Getting Resolution? Please Help

Hello Everyone,

I am a "NON" that was in a relationship with a non-diagnosed HPD. I've lived through enough of the nightmare as I'm sure all of you have, so that I don't see the need to bog down the point of my post with a three page rant. There are many highly intelligent people here, as is my ex and as I am.

But I have read SO many posts about the devastation this disease causes. I am quite sure this is what I'm dealing with. BUT I'm not finding any success stories. I'm occasionally finding a gem here or there of solid advice (other then dump her, never talk to her again, which is a completely rational and likely wise course of action).

1) Are there any tactics/techniques to help an HPD to get themselves diagnosed and to get help? She is currently aware of a problem with alcohol abuse and is drifting around the edges of getting it. I hope that perhaps if she admits to that, I could tie it into the real underling problem, HPD or diagnosis for it.

2) Is there any effective treatment available?

3) Especially for the HDP members of this board: What is the HDP's concept of love, how do they view the people they "love" and is there ever the possibility of having a flawed, but lasting relationship that is monogamous with an HDP who is actively aware of it?

My reason for even posting is that there are children that aren't even mine that are involved and her destructive ways have moved to a higher level and are now endangering them. Despite moving on, she comes back to me and although every day I get stronger that I'm away from her, I do not want to abandon her or the kids to this cycle, even if she ends up ultimately with someone else.

I've been through hell the last few months alone. Friends just aren't capable of understanding what dealing with this is like or understanding this is a disease and thus aren't capable of dissecting this problem. I am a police officer. I'm trained in interpreting body language, performing statement analysis and detecting dishonesty through interview and interrogation. The harsh emotional facts are very clear to me and I'm desperate for advice to help better understand what I'm dealing with. Thank you in advance so much.

Look for Pedsmommy's posts...she's been diagnosed with hpd and she made huge improvements that brought her stability (apparently) in her life.

So the answer is: yes, people with hpd can change, however that requires introspection, therapy and willingness to change.

Thank you. What I'm looking for is understanding of how this disorder works. Obviously, HPD's get into situations that only make sense to themselves and no one else. I want to educate myself and understand it better.

Greetings Lionel,

If you post some questions on the Significant others, Family and Friends Forum, you will receive a lot of feedback.

Many of us have had relationships with HPD's. This particular forum is a support forum for individual's suffering from HPD, and out of respect for those individuals, we do not want to post anything that may be harmful to them.

For now, here are two very good links (courtesy of my fellow poster Fr4nz83)

These are very technical/clinical in nature but provide a very solid framework for understanding.

http://maretwebproject.com/users/docs/histrionic.pdf
http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf

All the best

Apart from the documents suggested by Mark, I'd also advise you to read all the posts in the HPD subforum, they are very informative and give you an idea about the driving goals and behaviours behind HPD thinking.

Also, bear in mind that many HPD women are actually comorbid with BPD, so it is not uncommon to find traits pertaining to both disorders in a single person; usually there's a dominant component though.

Thank you gentlemen for your responses. I'll be ending this post here and will move to the forum for future use.

My mother is a diagnosed HPD who has been married now for quite a long time. There have been a lot of rough patches in the relationship but apparently they have both been committed to make it work.

Being HPD/BPD myself, I relate to the need for the fan club, its almost impossible for me to fathom getting attention from only one man and being content with that. I can develop very deep loving feelings for people. But on impulse I still seek out other men's attention to boost me up and I do get some sort of rush out of it that I guess is probably similar to a drug addict seeking a fix.

it goes without saying this has destroyed almost all of my relationships. I am committed now to get better and I hope in my next relationship I will do things differently. I guess its like an addiction I need to kick, and also find ways to put healthier boundaries around myself and push away people who are not good for me. I have a hard time knowing who has good intentions towards me and who doesn't.

anyways, I think the reason my mom's relationship with her husband has been (relatively) successful is because he has been very understanding and forgiving of her. He knows about her disorder and apparently was able to look past some mistakes she made. he's exceptionally patient and forgiving, its amazing. they have a lot of common interests and their lives are so enmeshed right now honestly I can't see how any separation would be possible. I think this freaked my mom out for a long time. she does not like to feel enmeshed or engulfed. but I guess there were a lot of positives and benefits to the relationship so that she finally suppressed her urge to run.

so that is a successful marriage, I would say. although it hasn't been easy and they have had a lot of ups and downs. I think the partner of a pwHPD would have to be very forgiving and understanding and not take her behavior personally.

as I said, no matter how much in love I feel with a man, it doesn't stop me from being immune to the attention of other men. doesn't mean I love him less, but I don't know how to set that healthy boundary, and I also observed that behavior for so long that it looks normal to me now.

Wow justagirl00,

You're obviously very introspective and observant.

This is not the place to expand on what you've said (me being a Non). I have posted lots of links about HPD before (elsewhere) but most are aimed at Non's attempting to deal/understand the disorder and are probably triggering. You might be better off reading "dry" textbooks/papers on HPD--for the time being at least.

Hello justagirl,

I want to tell you that I appreciate your recent posts. Your level of self-awareness is something I wish my ex (HPD) had possessed.

As a non, I just want to make a few comments based on this

justagirl00 wrote: He knows about her disorder and apparently was able to look past some mistakes she made. he's exceptionally patient and forgiving, its amazing. they have a lot of common interests

justagirl00 wrote:so that is a successful marriage, I would say. although it hasn't been easy and they have had a lot of ups and downs. I think the partner of a pwHPD would have to be very forgiving and understanding and not take her behavior personally.

I think for many of us (nons), we were never able to sit down and really "talk" with our HPD partners. We could not seem to cross the "bridge" so to speak and communicate as your mother has. From what you have written, she obviously has spoken with her husband about this.

If I had known that she( my ex) was struggling with all of this, then certainly I would have reacted/thought differently. Perhaps, there would have been a better connection between us. Perhaps in the end, none of it would have mattered.

The main problem appears that we simply do not understand each other very well. Each party's motivations and desires seem in conflict with each other. If we (nons) did know, then perhaps we would have had a different choice to make.

I believe there are many nons who would have wanted that chance.

I wish you well on your journey. I will also look forward to your posts as I believe that many of us can learn from them.

All the best

mark1958 wrote:The main problem appears that we simply do not understand each other very well. Each party's motivations and desires seem in conflict with each other. If we (nons) did know, then perhaps we would have had a different choice to make.

I believe there are many nons who would have wanted that chance.

Yeah, probably the vast majority of us...