Encouraging Employer With HPD to Seek Help

I walked out of a job I had a few weeks ago because I was no longer able to withstand the abuse, mood swings and general erratic behavior of my boss. A few days ago I researched personality disorders and believe that my former employer had Histrionic Personality Disorder. She seems to have seven of the eight required traits, and reading through other stories here I see lots of similarities. I even sent a wikipedia link describing the disorder to a couple of former coworkers and received the response, “You nailed it, she has HPD.”

This woman has effectively ruined my career. I have a twenty plus year history in the workforce, and never walked out of a job without giving two weeks notice before. I'm afraid I won't be able to get a good job again because I work in visual communication, which is an extremely competitive field, and I have no reference for my most recent job now. Not that I felt I really could count on her for a good reference anyway. She was so erratic that I always feared she would blame whatever was bothering her about the situation she was in when the interviewer called on me and give me a bad reference.

Anyway, my question is this: When I send her my final tally of hours, should I include a note telling her that I believe she has HPD and should seek help? Will this action do more harm than good? This isn't something I'm doing to be vindictive. I used to always say, “I don't think she's an evil person. She's just very difficult to work with.” I want her to get help for her own good and for the good of any future employee who winds up working with her. Any insight into this is appreciated.

Well, even if you want to do this with your best intentions, fact is that it's very difficult for an undiagnosed HPD to accept there's something wrong and get help.

So, the point is...this could backfire. If you really want to do it, consider CAREFULLY what could be her counter-actions...you don't need to ruin your career further.
If you see that the advantages surpass the disadvantages, then go for it; otherwise, don't do it.

Honestly, I would be focusing on possibly trying to get her to give you a good reference somehow. You quit the job, move on with you life and be glad you're out of that situation now.

Thanks for your input.

Seems like the best option is to let the sleeping dog lie.

There is no possible way I can rely on this woman for a reference. She's too erratic. Even if I had given her two weeks, there would be no way to know what she would say from day to day. I just feel bad for the people that are still stuck with her, or who wind up replacing me.

Thanks again.

EZEarache wrote:Thanks for your input.

Seems like the best option is to let the sleeping dog lie.

There is no possible way I can rely on this woman for a reference. She's too erratic. Even if I had given her two weeks, there would be no way to know what she would say from day to day. I just feel bad for the people that are still stuck with her, or who wind up replacing me.

Thanks again.

Yeah, I guess this is the best possible choice. There's a recurrent advice given in BPDFamily.com, which is:

"don't play the game"

This means, basically, to NOT participate in their drama, emotional outbursts, etc., since in these scenarios, which are basically controlled by them, it is extremely probable to end up defeated.

EzEarache,
Firstly I can't tell you how jealous I am that you managed to get away from your HPD employer!! CONGRATS!!!!

I currently work for a lady who has HPD, She like your former boss has not been diagnosed, and I like you, did the same thing, and she has all the characteristics.

Everybody has given you the best advice. LET IT GO. If you address this problem, you can say…'hey what do I have to lose?' Well… maybe your sanity. When I imagine telling my boss I think she has this problem, I see anger, YELLING, denial and then the inevitable…. 'I don't have a problem…YOU have a problem, Lets talk about your problem, but actually what is going to happen is we will end up talking about me, and i will manipulate this into you feeling sorry for me, and guilty about how YOU have treated ME. And that I am actually the nicest person on this planet, and you are so unappreciative.' And I think….NAH. Not my problem. Not going to say a word to her. I haven't quit…yet. I intend to….but its complicated. Am I going to bring HPD up to her? No…no way. I don't even like to bring up when she skips a stop sign….. Because she WILL go to the local store to find the CCTV to prove you wrong….

D xx

I have no idea if she has HPD, but if she is hard to work for it's not because she hasn't heard it from others before you, it's because she isn't able or ready to accept it (or she may perceives her own management style as a positive, someone who is her own mind 'gets the job done'). Telling her again, or in a different way, isn't going to change that.

Consider too that few of us if any enjoys criticism. Imagine then someone telling you that your whole personality is damaged. Of course she is not going to reply with 'wow thank you for telling me'. Absolutely the best thing to do is to let it go and live your life.

DaisyChain18 wrote:get away from your HPD employer!! CONGRATS!!!!

xdude wrote:I have no idea if she has HPD, but if she is hard to work for it's not because she hasn't heard it from others before you

Exactly.

And i bet you in her case, her disorder may have actually helped her get to the position she is at now, as hard to believe as it may be.

Once you get to know people with PDs, and see their perspective, if you even can reach that far, you would be amazed at how valid and justified their actions are in their own minds, and how dense they would be to advice that suggests to act other wise

mushybaNaNaNa wrote:And i bet you in her case, her disorder may have actually helped her get to the position she is at now, as hard to believe as it may be.

Almost assuredly. She would need a real reason to change; being hard to work for isn't going to be it.

Just to post a follow up to anyone interested in this thread and my story. I walked at the beginning of November and it is mid February as I write this. I landed a new job at the end of December. It was another bad situation, but I needed the money so I jumped at it. After about two weeks there a Friend of mine gave me a lead on a new job that is AMAZING. A level headed employer that values my experience and insight, offers full health benefits is giving me 10 paid vacation days plus ten percent commission on anything I close.

One of the nasty things my HPD said to me when I told her I couldn't work over the weekend because I was helping my friend was, "I hope these friends of yours can help you when you don't have a job anymore."

Well guess what, they did! After my experience, my advice is if you're dealing with an HPD boss make an exit strategy. You won't be able to stay there for long and eventually your instinct for self preservation will kick in at an inopportune time. Be ready for when it happens.

Whatever you do don't take this person's antics to heart. My former employer really messed up my head. I didn't realize just how badly until I started my first New position in December. I was completely on edge, and expecting to get screamed at, at any moment. It's taken some adjustment for me to not be on the defensive at all times. I also now have to put a lot more effort into working up the confidence to venture an opinion.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I guarantee I am much better at handling difficult personalities now than I was two and a half years ago.

Hopefully my story can be an inspiration for you if you're experiencing similar struggles.