How did you realise you had HPD and needed help?

Hi everyone,

I have been perusing the forum in the hope of getting some information that might help me with my situation.

I believe my SIL has unHPD and possibly BPD. She did once mention to our MIL that she was once diagnosed with ADHD (not sure if that's true) Her marriage to my BIL is quite new, about four years and they dated briefly before then. There are lots of reasons as to why I think my SIL may have a PD, some of the red flags come from the fact I was once in a romantic relationship with someone with NPD, so I have noticed some of the signs, whereas other family members don't.

I was just wondering how those diagnosed and getting help were able to realise that they were having problems. Was it something you realised yourself, did a loved one try and help, maybe a partner? Also how did they go about it? Were you accepting, or did you fight against the help?

Maybe you're someone who has had to help a loved one or partner with HPD, how did you go about speaking about it with them? I don't think my BIL would even consider that his wife has a PD, I'm not sure many people even realise about them. And I wouldn't even know how to approach the subject with him. Some members of the family put my SIL's behaviour down to possible depression. But I think it's much more than that. She has been described by many as being 'toxic.' She certainly always seems to be causing fall outs, issues and arguments and is the kind of person unfortunately you don't enjoy having around you.

Whilst I realise my SIL and I are very different, I would at least like to have some sort of relationship with her. But currently the way she acts makes this very difficult. And puts a huge strain on many members of the family.

Any insight would be gratefully received.

Well, this one time a therapist diagnosed me with HPD.

But I don't have it, soooooo

I think there are those of us who realized something was wrong and sought help, and those of us who were forced into the psychiatrist's office either by a partner or because they were just plain miserable. And then there are those like the one above (jk!) Who will never ever admit that there's a problem and will continue their lives causing misery to themselves and those around them. It's hard to define what causes an HPD to make that jump from oblivion to self insight though. Some can achieve it and some just can't see, no matter what. Obviously the ones who post here though are a self selecting group.

I'm glad you asked this question because this is the exact thing I want to talk about today.

I just recently came to terms with having HPD. Part of it was being informed that my mom was diagnosed with this years ago, but never told me, until very recently. Then it all clicked together.

I was a psychology student and I remember the first time I learned about HPD I thought that sounds like my mom. But then I talked myself out of it over the years, although its clear she has personality issues, on the Cluster B spectrum, I kept thinking of BPD, NPD, etc. but the more I read about HPD the more it fits like a glove, for my mom.

I have related a lot to BPD and I think I have this too. but in all honesty, the HPD has caused me more interpersonal problems than the BPD.

I was in therapy for several years and was going through a crisis at the time, although honestly my entire life has been a crisis. so it wasn't unusual. but my therapist kept trying to force me to get insight about something. she had the answer but she wouldn't tell me. she said I had to come to the realization on my own. whatever it was, was some key that explained why I was in so much turmoil and pain and misery. but I couldn't figure out what she was getting at. its taken 10 years of processing and I finally figured it out.

its my addiction to attention that is causing me so many problems. addiction to attention and drama.

literally, this only really clicked together the past day or two. I've been thinking it over for a long time. I need attention. I do anything and everything I can to get attention. I have done a lot of things i'm actually too embarrassed to talk about here. but that tells you something right there. I won't go into detail.

I have BPD too but I think the BPD causes me more angst and more problems with functioning day to day. But its the HPD that causes me more relationship problems, and more real life consequences. BPD is like existential angst and feeling empty and having no goals. but HPD is doing things that cause me to be stigmatized by society at large and cause me to hurt men that care about me. but it took me forever to see how I was in the wrong. its like some fog has just lifted. and while I am ashamed of my behavior, also, its not really my fault. since I was raised by an HPD woman. and in a lot of ways she trained me to be the way. there were also jealousy/competition issues, but overall, she groomed me to be her clone. and while i'm not her complete clone, we are very, very similar. so in a way, I feel more empathy for her now. so I think it will improve our relationship. I understand her better.

so that's how I realized it. my therapist was trying to tell me this for a long time. but she didn't want to lay it all out, bluntly. she wanted me to discover it on my own. and I just did. its really weird for me. I have a lot to think about now.

justagirl00 wrote:literally, this only really clicked together the past day or two.

Well at least you figured it out. A great many haven't and probably never will (e.g. the woman I know).

It took me about 30 years to figure someone out (nothing to do with PD's). We haven't spoken since. That's probably a good thing though.

My experience with HPD/Hysteria is from the other side of the fence so to speak but it's good to see someone with self-awareness. Would you be willing to speak with... Oh never mind.

Thank you HPD victim

And now today I'm sick in bed with a migraine. I think it's the psychosomatic stress of realizing these things. I'm really not proud of my behavior over the years. I hope I can still change.

I was on a psychodynamic therapy the initial diagnosis were bipolar disorder and adhd when I have been talking about a girl in the therapy I said "I don't like her, because she is very histrionic" and my therapist said, "Hmm, you don't like the traits which you have" and later on we talked about this and he told me that I have strong HPD tendencies.

P.S: Sorry for my poor language I'm not a native English speaker.

Hey potemkin,

I think it would be fair to write that one of the key matters that differentiates disordered thinking from what is considered the 'norm' is something you just touched on.

NON's (aka the norm), tend to get along with each other reasonably well. The traits they express they also enjoy in each other.

For some disordered types though, it's the opposite. The traits they express are also traits they object to in others. So for example, consider the stereotypical narcissist type. When it comes to others needing to always be right, or bragging, or being critical, etc., they find those traits unlivable, maybe even more so than NONs. When it comes to themselves, because of a sense of deep entitlement, they are good with those traits in themselves.

It's 'disordered' because of the inconsistency of beliefs about how they can think/act/feel vs how they feel about what is tolerable in others.

xdude wrote:Hey potemkin,

I think it would be fair to write that one of the key matters that differentiates disordered thinking from what is considered the 'norm' is something you just touched on.

NON's (aka the norm), tend to get along with each other reasonably well. The traits they express they also enjoy in each other.

For some disordered types though, it's the opposite. The traits they express are also traits they object to in others. So for example, consider the stereotypical narcissist type. When it comes to others needing to always be right, or bragging, or being critical, etc., they find those traits unlivable, maybe even more so than NONs. When it comes to themselves, because of a sense of deep entitlement, they are good with those traits in themselves.

It's 'disordered' because of the inconsistency of beliefs about how they can think/act/feel vs how they feel about what is tolerable in others.

Very well explained thank you...