I think I have HPD...

Well, I don't want to write a long essay, so I'll make this as brief as I can. I discovered this disorder today for the first time, which surprised me because I've been a psychology major for 2 years. Anyways, after reading the symptoms, I sat in humbled shock.

Here are some key points about me:

I remember as far back as 4 years old getting dramatically angry at little things. As an only child, I was heavily spoiled by two parents who've never gotten along very well. My dad is a dramatic, sensitive person who lets his emotions get the best of him very easily. He loves my mom, but I think it's because she's the only person who's ever tolerated and not left him. The reason she didn't leave him is because she "got used to living with a good man who has nothing in common with her."

My mom would spoil me, and my dad would get mad about it. When I didn't get what I wanted, I would become very sad and express my dissatisfaction through my mood and attempts to make my parents feel sorry for me. My dad had cancer when I was in 5th grade, and this aided the tension within the house. I was semi-suicidal, telling my mom I wish I was dead and trying to make her feel bad.

Also, I had a strange tendency to over-like girls who were nice to me. I can remember becoming infatuated with a girl in kindergarten, and I told two girls in 2nd and 3rd grade that I loved them. They both freaked out, of course. In 6th grade, I became infatuated with an 8th grade girl. I did things like anonymously giving her a ring, thinking about her all day, and the last time I thought I'd see her, I told her I loved her for the heck of it. All this even though there were obvious signs she was just toying with my head. I tried to impress her through running, and I became very good. After she graduated, I met a new kid who became my new best friend. The combination of him and running helped ease the anger I felt at home.

I'm glancing over these situations... so maybe I will list specific times where I think I showed signs of HPD:

I don't think I always needed to be the center of attention, but I enjoyed it. I would always try and get the approval of my friends by being as funny as I could. One time in 8th grade, I bought things on Ebay under a classmate's name; I then bragged about it the next day in school, not worried about the impending trouble I was getting into. I would constantly try and make my classmates laugh by making fun of kids, the teacher, or doing whatever I could. This carried on into high school at times, and it was prevalent my freshman year of college. I would do things against my nature like make fun of women, minorities, or really anyone in order to make people laugh. So, maybe I always did try to be the center of attention. Well, perhaps to the extent that I was fine until I felt like I was being ostracized... when I felt like I was out of a conversation or was losing the long term attention of my friends, I would go out of my way to get it.



I spent most of high school running in order to please my coach. Also, while I was socially avoidant (I would sit in my room at home - when kids asked me to hang out, I would make any excuse possible to not go), I wanted to be the fastest kid in the school. Whenever I received praise for doing well, it made me feel great. I didn't care if I finished first or if the team won... if my coach was happy, and others didn't do better than I did, then I was happy. I actually enjoyed it when our team lost because, if we won, someone else was bound to get more praise than me.

I can remember never really considering other peoples' feelings for my first 20 years. I didn't hang out with people - I played sports, video games, or any other goal related activity. I was very prejudiced, black and white, and perfectionistic. With girls, I felt like I was on some romantic escapade to win their hearts... I would write poems, buy them things, or say whatever I thought I needed to magically win their love. Whenever girls wanted to talk about problems or pretty much anything other than how much I loved them or they loved me, I didn't seem to care. I felt like the only person I ever loved was the girl I obsessed over in 6th grade, and nobody else matched up. Girls called me manipulative, dramatic, and at the time, I didn't understand why.

Looking back today, I can certainly see what they meant. I almost felt like relationships were just some game, or a set of goals to achieve. The same can probably be said for friendships, as I don't know if I've ever had a true friend. There have been people I played games with and talked about games with, but that is it. Right before college started, I was very depressed and angry because my running career was suddenly over. I was abusing my closest friends and parents with my dramatic, angry attempts for attention. I would say the most hurtful things to make them feel sorry for me. In fact, I can remember telling someone a few years ago that the only thing I was ever really good at was making others feel sorry for me. I was brilliant. I would go into depression chat rooms not to look for advice, but to make every feel bad for me. I would exaggerate my problems and shoot down whatever advice they had to make me look hopeless. When my best friend didn't like my favorite song, I slashed his tires and vandalized his house on multiple occasions. I felt like I would hurt those closest to me.

When everything was going smoothly and how I wanted it, I was happy. When anything felt fishy, like when a girl responded strangely over AIM or on the phone, or when a friend didn't invite me to dinner, I would flip out. I lost most of my friends, and the girls I used to date hate me because I was crazy. I was also nice to people until they were "mean" to me. If a girl called me dramatic, I would mull over what she said for weeks and then try to get the last word in. I felt like I had to say everything perfectly in order to make the situation as dramatic as possible? At the time, I always thought it was them being bitches - I mean, what does manipulative or dramatic even mean?? I thought they were just excuses, I didn't think they were telling me the real reason.

Right around turning 20, I had a bit of a epiphany. I had become so depressed and frustrated over my situation that I searched for a way out. I, for once, began to look for the good in people, and I stopped stealing, vandalizing, or any of that bad stuff. I began eating well, and I focused on classes. However, as I began to change, the remaining friends seemed to fade. The ones at my college transferred, and those I spoke to online were nothing more than that - online friends. For the first time, I was mostly on my own - I no longer had any friends, I wasn't integral in any school activity or athletic team, and my parents were no longer here to make my dinner, clean my clothes, and baby me.

That's where I'm at today. I'm almost 21, and I feel like I've lived a life without any concept of self esteem, self respect, respect for others including friends and family, and those old suicide threats have become very real for me. I used to just think that I wanted to die, but I would never really do it. Now, sitting here with next to nothing in the way of social support and increasing depression, I'm at a breaking point. I suffer constant social anxiety, rendering it next to impossible for me to talk to others, participate in class, and walk outside. Along with being such a mean child, I was friends with many mean, critical people. I have heard enough people call me crazy or give me looks for saying / doing weird things. And now, looking back, it's hard for me to disagree. I was a very screwed up kid, and now these Social Anxiety audio tapes are telling me to be myself. They want me to ignore the negative thoughts and remember those times when I succeeded.

The only problem with that is I don't feel like I've ever succeeded. I did well in school because my dad scared me, I ran well to get the respect / attention of others, I obeyed authority figures because I was feared them rather than respected them, I was a thief, a swindler, and asshole, and many other bad things. I've never once had a quality relationship, and past girls hate me. I also don't feel like I ever made a true friend - my best friend today has hardly nothing in common with me, and he only likes me because he A. is a diehard Christian and B. enjoyed my evil sense of humor.

As for other key problems...

1. I act on emotions very much. If I ask a girl out or something, I actually like it when they reject me. That sad feeling makes me want to write a really dramatic, angry song. Yet, when I write the lyrics and look them over later, I feel like an idiot. I'll tell myself "come on this sounds so dramatic, get over it." I also buy clothes on impulse and emotion - I'll buy eccentric jeans one day only to think they look horrible the next.

2. I'm very conscious about how I dress, and I never used to be like this. At least, not until people criticized me for how I dressed. Now, being alone with no friends, I feel like I have to look perfect before I walk out the door.

3. I have always been and still am easily influenced by other people, and I am extremely agreeable. I think this is partly because I never had a high self esteem... When I had the approval of friends, I was happy. So, I'm constantly trying to please everybody because I'm scared of someone not liking me. I'm a sharp kid, and I'm fully aware of how wrong this one is. I know that I need to put myself first and not worry about what others think, but it's so hard. It's so hard when I don't even know who I am anymore. When I "be myself", I'm the type to act on emotion and imagination... which really screws me up. I'm so scared because I don't have confidence in who I'm supposed to be.

4. I have the desire to be a rock star, but I am scared this dream is just my emotional, theatrical side looking for that needed attention. I'm scared that if I put all my eggs into this basket, I will some day realize this was all part of me looking for approval.

Ok, I need to stop. Sorry for the long post. I'm currently in group therapy, and I don't have insurance yet to pay for psychotherapy. Can someone at least tell me what they think of my situation... do I sound like I have HPD? What advice can you give me? Do you have any questions for me?

Thanks for your time.

Also, I used to be a pathological liar. I would completely make up stories to impress people, or I would greatly exaggerate real ones. To this day I have forced myself to believe some of those lies.

The more I read about the disorder, I start to wonder if it's what I have. I can remember being very histrionic growing up, but I never really had some of the big symptoms. For example, I never had the desire to cheat on a girlfriend, but I was overly insecure and protective of them. If a girlfriend or even someone I was simply dating decided to hang out with someone else that night, I would be really worried. It would really depress me, and then I would act on my emotions by acting really dramatic.

For example, if I liked a girl who was interested in me, my mood would shoot through the roof. It was like nothing could piss me off so long as the girl was attending to me. But, the moment I detected a change in her responses or found out she was hanging out with a guy friend, my mood would severely tumble. I would listen to really sad music, and I would act like the world was ending. Then, as soon as she called me, IMed me, or attended to me again, my mood went back up to where it was. I would tell myself "jeez, I got all worked up over nothing."

Mind you, this has been known to happen with me regarding girlfriends, friends, or even random girls / people I met yesterday. If I see a girl I'm attracted to in a class, I will fantasize about her before even speaking. By fantasize, I mean I will think of my life with her... her liking me, being my girlfriend, doing stuff together... and then as soon as I see a wedding ring on her finger, I will get upset. I will throw away any chance of speaking to her, and part of me will almost dislike her. All this before ever talking.

This used to happen a lot, but I've learned to not do it so much. I'm aware that I'm taking a girl and painting a perfect picture of her in my head. This only sets me up for disappointment, so I'm working on not doing it.

Is it possible I used to be extremely histrionic, and now my awareness of my past actions has lessoned the symptoms? Perhaps I can grow out of the problem by gaining self esteem and stopping the old habits? It's almost like I need to numb myself from being so easily affected by others actions. I almost feel like I need everyone to like me because I don't have any friends anymore.

dalnet....its like me talking about my own problems. i have the EXACT same problems, every single point from the dressing thing to what i did when i was younger....oh my God...i really think its HPD...and im worried.

im a guy...does it happen with u alot with guys? it happens with me ALOT with guys....im also bi...not very....but considerably.....

My opinion isn't worth much, but it doesn't sound like you have HPD to me. All of that sounds pretty normal.

A therapist I speak with said he doesn't think I currently have histrionic disorder. As to my past actions, it's possible I represented HPD, but I don't anymore so much. It's possible that I acted out the symptoms without having a full blown disorder.

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mom of hpd wrote:
The hpd I know would never admit she was wrong.....thought about things wrong or had a fault. She would blame others.


Good Luck

The hpd I had the misfortune of knowing would easily admit that she was wrong if she felt that it was the right move. Later, she would either forget what she admitted to or show her real face, and say she wasn't wrong re: the same issue.
It is like lies and manipulations for them. When the moment calls for it they'd denounce themselves, "show" lots of emphaty and remorse.
In my experience of five years, none of the emphaty and remorse she showed turned out to be genuine.
In our last year I decided to pin her down by asking her to write down and sign what she just admitted (that she was wrong). She would resist doing it strongly, and most of the time I failed to get her written statement. (I do have, however, a few statements of her.)
The fact that I decided to get written statements and her rejections shows, I think, not only her lack of honesty, but also to what extent (to a large extent) the relationship had turned into one big fabrication.

i cant help gettin emotionally involved with ppl and then startin to play the 'hpd game'. altho i do it much less now....i feel i have no autonomy and a very high level of suggestibility.

i feel that a relationship is more intimate than it actually is and i realized after i read about hpd that i have an unreal persepective of people, relationships etc.. and the world in general.

right now im tryin to stop myself to do something really evil to the latest victim of my hpd because i feel he was bad to me....like he betrayed me and he loved me first and now hes looking down on me and thinks that im $#%^....

when i read about hpd and realize that what i have is a disorder it makes things more in the proper perspective and helps me not 'believe my inner urges/suggestions'. i become happier....

now i really understand what it means when they say 'identifying the problem is the first step towards solving it'