My Explosion

Hey everyone, I really need to reach out for some help...

28, Male, Histrionic, Gay, who gained the world and went through the worst nervous breakdown that prompted me to move home and go to the hospital, I just want to change the wiring of my mind... As an adult I have become a low functioning person who cannot trust myself, or others anymore, my pizzaz and fun life is over, I am left wihth the pieces and cognitive issues.

All my life, I caused boundary issues as a child with authoriy figures, girls, and also guys as well as my family. I was in therapy as long as I was a child and as long as I can remember...

I moved from Boston to LA at 18, because I thought I had great friends there, and always worked in commission sales, (I am the master of the art of emotional manipulation and bull $#%^) When I first fell for a guy in LA, I prompted him to have him move in with me within 3 months, then pushed him back and forth until I had a breakdown and prompted me to move to Boston again "I'm sick of all the fake people, I hate California) (I never did anything out of planning I just went from lily pad to lily pad all my life which has ultimately costed me my career and friendships)

Forward, I move to Boston, after drinking and driving accidents (total 4) and I get out of them every single time.... I worked in a luxury department store which allowed me to feed my ego, and make the show about me, and when I ever did something wrong or illegal, I would never take responsibility and just manipulated management, when I was fired, I felt an identity fall apart that I knew to grow to...

I was dating billionaire men, flying on private jets, having sex, taking 4 vacations a year, doing cocaine, and living a very fast life to anyone who would give me attention.

I finally saved up enough of my own money (money hoarding to the extreme) and alternated between hating Boston once my reputation ruined me, and behavior caught up with me. I moved to LA, I was so money driven all my life, like a hamster on the wheel. Finally got a decent job $60,000 a year fresh out of college doing technology sales and #######4 myself into this job, after a lackluster background check and engaged in reckless sex, drinking everyday to numb the pain, imposing boundary issues and causing fights with people I lived with. I went from being the princess in my early twenties to the complete victim act (which doesnt work with strangers) and the job ultimately fired me, because guess what I couldnt sell (it was technical and not #######4, hence my charm didn't work)

I sat in an apartment in West Hollywood, CA, and layed in bed for 3 months and didnt eat and came across the diagnosis after all the manipulation, lies, reckless and dangerous drinking and driving and sex, to wake up to drink a bottle of wine and smoke 3 pack of cigarettes at night to self loathe all day going over all my behaviors.

When I came across the histrionic definition, every moment in life, decision, job failure, relationship issues, and family problems all connected at once. As if I learned that my root desire has caused so much destruction of my life and others, (Ive gotten others fired, used to be a nice person, to a complete asshole in order not to be hurt and ###$ with others)

I had a nervous breakdown twice in less than a month and dropped off my Audi at the airport called the bank and told them to pick it up and fly back home that day to realize, i once again did a flight or fight response (when your tired you just fly) another pattern of avoidance and now am living with a friend who used to take care of me and knows about all of my issues...

I went from charging $250 an hour, flying all over the world, wearing designer clothes, at 23 to being a lost little boy all over again which has no idea what to do for a career, how to stop this destructive craziness, and enjoy life...

I was sitting in Malibu on the beach not being able to enjoy the sun, just realized, I was just chasing old ideas.

HELP ME.

Contuining this post I wanted to say are there any healthy ways to improve my life so I don't continue on this downward spiral!

Hey Aging,

just for a start, in order to know yourself better (and perhaps provide some insights about what to do for your feelings) you may want to read these documents:

http://maretwebproject.com/users/docs/histrionic.pdf
http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf

I'm also sure that xdude will give you some useful suggestions

Hi Aging,

I don't have any great advice. There is a section in one of the links Fr4nz83 posted about the difference between Histrionic Personality Style vs Histrionic Personality Disorder. It essentially notes that there is nothing wrong with being someone who is outgoing, sensation oriented, enjoys attention, etc. It's just when these traits are taken to extremes that it becomes problematic. The implication is you don't need to entirely change who you are, just make changes in a direction that decreases extremes.

For me what works is making small changes in the direction I want to go. Small changes can be very small. In your case it could be something like dressing down just a bit as compared with how you wanted to dress; skipping seeking one compliment per day; if you do go out, go home one hour earlier than you normally would, and so on.

Of course if you are still drinking, well, that may need to stop entirely. You know yourself well enough to know if you can slow down on that or are someone who once started doesn't stop.

=(

sounds rough. i love explosions. when things get boring? BAM

maybe you need to keep spiraling, beautiful american boy? fall and fall and fall until you realize...c'est la vie

anyways...living on the shoulders of other people is not a stable position, and you sound extremely fun, so while i have absolutely no advice to offer, i can shove some perspective down your throat. maybe you're on a collision course for a content life, and you just need to fall through all this meaningless nonsense you're currently lamenting and crash land in the lap of someone who can truly appreciate your turmoil and love you despite it all. the one who sees you as the broken boy you are. no more princess, no more victim, no more gigolo...just a train wreck. sounds dismal, but we're all crashing in our own way, you just went off the high dive. honestly, you might discover you're a lot happier when inertia finally sets in and you're reduced to something genuine. even this plea for a savior is sort of attractive...let's people know there's a real boy inside, you know?

curious...what does it feel like to lose so much? none of that stuff means anything to me, but sounds like it means a lot to you...do you want it back? even though it's causing you so much suffering? if letting it all go gave you peace of mind, would you do it, or is the idea of so much sensation too alluring? too gratifying?

anyways, i expect things will turn around for you. you'll probably get the chance to skip back into your old ways before you know it. that's the curse of karma. it always offers you a little more rope to hang yourself with. personally, i hope you avoid it, keep falling and find lasting happiness.

all the best, beautiful american boy,=)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-ITv4OBV9c