feeling hopeless

vertices wrote:I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad. So if it's a lot like that I can empathize, I can see why they end up in the hospital a lot. :c

Actually, many textbooks consider HPD as a "fancy" version of BPD, where basically the histrionic individual is considered more high-functioning, life-of-the-party, less depressed, etc.

Even more, in the DSM-5 HPD was removed and subsumed under BPD.

I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad.

I'm with you.
I think this aspect of being HPD (BPD?) is the worst and the thing we spend the most psychic energy trying to avoid.

pedsmommy wrote:

I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad.

I'm with you.
I think this aspect of being HPD (BPD?) is the worst and the thing we spend the most psychic energy trying to avoid.

Interesting. I have this belief that AsPD types in particular, but also many NPD types need alone time, and that even though NPD types may crave affirmation, many are essentially loners and comfortable with some alone time. They may want a relationship, but at the same time, I think they also feel engulfed, or trapped by them. Maybe, or maybe it's because NPD types tend to choose partners who are the type to be deeply involved (ego strong), maybe even clingy or needy (big ego stroke), but that same type of partner triggers the engulfment fears. Not sure.

On the other hand, I also wonder if HPD types are really so different? I wonder if they also feel conflicted, both wanting a relationship, but also feel trapped/engulfed by their serious relationships?

pedsmommy wrote:

I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad.

I'm with you.
I think this aspect of being HPD (BPD?) is the worst and the thing we spend the most psychic energy trying to avoid.

This was the case of my ex as well. We had a medium distance relationship, so I saw her only during the weekend...so, once she was alone because I couldn't stay with her, and during that weekend she cheated on me. One of the reasons (among others) was that she felt alone...

vertices wrote:

joe_TIGGER56 wrote:PM for Vertices you are not feeling hopless anymore... you are fun again wooo… my pen PALs and I we all like you !

Um idk if I'm intrigued or weirded out lol. do I know you?


waoo... looks like a private party between good friends so i just PM you
you dont know me i dont know you but the way you goof...and everything you wrote before made me think like I do know you...
bye now!

sorry you all no pun intended I screewed up with the buttons...coz i have ADD too!

Fr4nz83 wrote:

vertices wrote:I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad. So if it's a lot like that I can empathize, I can see why they end up in the hospital a lot. :c

Actually, many textbooks consider HPD as a "fancy" version of BPD, where basically the histrionic individual is considered more high-functioning, life-of-the-party, less depressed, etc.

Even more, in the DSM-5 HPD was removed and subsumed under BPD.

Well, I think it's like w/ HPD we are always desperately looking for the right place/person to evoke our feelings whereas BPD always feels something but is looking for the right outlet.

pedsmommy wrote:

I think I know a little of what it's like to be BPD bc when I'm alone I struggle to shut out the emotions and it is NOT FUN. Feeling alone is like... death. It's bad.

I'm with you.
I think this aspect of being HPD (BPD?) is the worst and the thing we spend the most psychic energy trying to avoid.

Yeah... it's really bad *huggles pedsmommy*

xdude wrote:
On the other hand, I also wonder if HPD types are really so different? I wonder if they also feel conflicted, both wanting a relationship, but also feel trapped/engulfed by their serious relationships?

Noooo never, not until the feelings faded and life lets us down. Then trapped yes, engulfed, not really... we want to be engulfed and enmeshed it just doesn't last. We are children at heart. At least personally I want that "I'd ######6 die for you" kind of love. Reality traps us by not being ENOUGH so we have to chase after fantasy. Raising kids, paying bills, doing chores, doing repetitive jobs and going through daily life like that is what makes us feel trapped, the expectation that we have "settled down" I mean. There is something ridiculously painful just about the THOUGHT of being an adult and that people will no longer treat us like children with unconditional affection.

Being alone feels like death because we internally do not trust that we can handle life without someone there to make it better. We still think we are helpless little babies in a world of adults on an emotonal level. not necessarily logically.

vertices wrote:Noooo never, not until the feelings faded and life lets us down. Then trapped yes, engulfed, not really... we want to be engulfed and enmeshed it just doesn't last. We are children at heart. At least personally I want that "I'd ######6 die for you" kind of love. Reality traps us by not being ENOUGH so we have to chase after fantasy. Raising kids, paying bills, doing chores, doing repetitive jobs and going through daily life like that is what makes us feel trapped, the expectation that we have "settled down" I mean. There is something ridiculously painful just about the THOUGHT of being an adult and that people will no longer treat us like children with unconditional affection.

Being alone feels like death because we internally do not trust that we can handle life without someone there to make it better. We still think we are helpless little babies in a world of adults on an emotonal level. not necessarily logically.

Such an eye opener. I shouldn't speak for others though, but when I was younger I had adopted a lot of NPD traits (yea I really did feel I was superior to others; a safe perch up high so I could keep my emotional distance). Difference was I wanted nothing more than to get out and do it on my own. No dependencies on my parents or others felt better than feeling enmeshed, indebted, slave to my parents, and how I was treated in childhood.

But separately I was also wondering, which of these seems worse?

A parent who sends a ton of mixed messages, so their kid is confused.

A parent who is much clearer, I don't care about you?

I'm not sure why I ask but I was thinking today in a way I think I'm luckier than my sister. She remained enmeshed with mom for many years long after I was done with it. I felt it was much easier for me to say f' it, move away, take care of myself because it was clear where I stood.

xdude wrote:
Such an eye opener. I shouldn't speak for others though, but when I was younger I had adopted a lot of NPD traits (yea I really did feel I was superior to others; a safe perch up high so I could keep my emotional distance). Difference was I wanted nothing more than to get out and do it on my own. No dependencies on my parents or others felt better than feeling enmeshed, indebted, slave to my parents, and how I was treated in childhood.

But separately I was also wondering, which of these seems worse?

A parent who sends a ton of mixed messages, so their kid is confused.

A parent who is much clearer, I don't care about you?

I'm not sure why I ask but I was thinking today in a way I think I'm luckier than my sister. She remained enmeshed with mom for many years long after I was done with it. I felt it was much easier for me to say f' it, move away, take care of myself because it was clear where I stood.

xdude wrote:
Such an eye opener. I shouldn't speak for others though, but when I was younger I had adopted a lot of NPD traits (yea I really did feel I was superior to others; a safe perch up high so I could keep my emotional distance). Difference was I wanted nothing more than to get out and do it on my own. No dependencies on my parents or others felt better than feeling enmeshed, indebted, slave to my parents, and how I was treated in childhood.

But separately I was also wondering, which of these seems worse?

A parent who sends a ton of mixed messages, so their kid is confused.

A parent who is much clearer, I don't care about you?

I'm not sure why I ask but I was thinking today in a way I think I'm luckier than my sister. She remained enmeshed with mom for many years long after I was done with it. I felt it was much easier for me to say f' it, move away, take care of myself because it was clear where I stood.

Sorry um hit the wrong button on my last post... why did you guys disable editing? w/e

I kind of always was a lil baby inside. I have conflicting impulses to be independent and dependent. I want to be dependent so my needs get met then I want to be independent when they are neglected.

Not to speak for other pwHPD either but, my problem is I CAN'T just go out there and do things for myself, dunno what it is I just can't or at least, have not been able to. It's like, there are too many possibilities and I have no clue what one I should do and no belief that any of them will work out, and no sustaining motivation because I don't believe it will work.. Anyway it's just like being a baby someone dumped on the side of the road. It feels like that, like I will die. I never stopped being enmeshed I just moved to different people than my parents.

I do WANT to be independent deep down but since I am not able to, I dream of finding the perfect person rather than getting away from people.

Also overtime I have started to feel guilty and very toxic for how I affect and change people. I'm bad news. And I don't want to do it but I would die if I was alone. <---------- also when I admit that to people it makes people like me less and makes me have to be more independent so I can't get out of this pattern. I can't get out of it because people don't WANT me to be my own person and I can feel that as if it were a physical force. It takes no effort to seduce someone justs willingness to respond to their psychic demands.

About your question, I think the parent who says they don't care is much better b/c then you can move on faster and you never had to believe they loved you in the first place right?