So tired of this destructive cycle

I really just like to vent here.

I am so tired of my own destructive behavior. Whilst still mourning about a lost love affair (mind that I also have a boyfriend, whom I don't want to leave), I am already falling in love with someone new. I have commenced a new cycle.

It is so tiring, it's like I'm trying to fill an empty hole. I'm fantasizing about this new guy, imagining how it would be like to be with him, how he would admire my looks and compliment me. How I would feel sexy and alive. I enjoy him looking at me, I know he thinks I'm hot and I like it a lot.

It really lifts my depressive feelings. I wonder how long this high is going to last...

I just want to be content with my boyfriend who is absolutely perfect for me, without him needing to validate me in extremes, without needing to have attention from all other men on the planet. I want to focus on work, focus on what I'm doing, not on how much attention I'm getting.

I want to feel alive, even when nobody is noticing me. If I don't get the validation ALL THE TIME, I just feel so ugly, boring, empty, like I'm not even alive. Then I want to cry, crawl in my bed and I think "If I have to go out in the streets anonymously, what's the point in living".

If I leave this guy alone, how am I going to know that I am worth living? How am I going to know that I am someone, that I mean something? What is going to give me this high?

-- Wed Sep 02, 2015 9:52 pm --

Whilst I know I am just looking for validation, it really feels like I am falling in love. And when these relationships end, it's like the end of the world. Self-worth to zero.

Just ridiculous really...

Evelyne,

you're not ridiculous, really! Always think you're a beautiful person...you just have to understand how to dominate your HPD (and for this, you really need to enter therapy and have lots of patience).

You say that you tried to focus yourself on work...this is the way to go. However, instead of focusing on work, why not trying to focus on novel ways which can feed your need for attention in a "sane" way (anyway, for this a threapist may really help you)?

For example, doing some theatre, singing, etc...?
Take some time and think about it!

Anyhow, I have one question: when you are in a rerlationship, your interest towards other men starts from the very beginning of the r/s or it has to pass some time (i.e., the initial "idealization" phase has to wear off, typically it lasts 3-6 months)?

Hello Evelyne,
that is a very intelligent and mature post!
You are so very aware of yourself and of your HPD disorder, all seems very clear in your mind... that is very impressive to me...
I would guess you have done a long way towards recovery...
The right therapy is what you need and it will probably help you a great deal...
which raises the question what type of therapy is the right therapy!?
Good luck

Ok, lets go Evelyne! I need your help!! Destructive cycle – Check. Pity party – Check. You are suffering – Check. Boyfriend/husband that loves you – Check. Self-awareness of PD – Check.

I NEED YOU TO GET BETTER. You ARE my wife!! You have been chosen as the one here to give me hope that I can get this ship righted. YOU! Pedsmommy is making it work. Why not you? I need some hope here and your post just kills me. In fact, all the damn posts on this site kill me. Most everybody tells me to shut down my life/wife/strife. It’s just so easy to say goodbye. But nobody is willing, or feels they need, to work for it. Love it worth fighting for. But why not you?

We’ve been chatting for a couple of months already and it’s time for some tough love here. I could not think of anything to say to you yesterday when I checked in. Nothing new anyway. So lets says what has already been said.

WHAT IF!? What if you could get the affirmation you need? What if you could beat the depression? What if you could have an opportunity to grow old with your boyfriend/husband? What if you could have Wesley and Buttercup True Love (or something close)?

WHAT IF!?

What is happening now with all these affairs will NOT get you ANY of the above. Nothing. Nada. Zoink. It will be forever misery. It’s nothing more than a bad crack addiction.

We know therapy helps. We know medication helps. We know self-introspection helps.

So, what’s up? Do you see it? Do you want to work hard? I don’t even think you have to work that hard, I think it is easier than that. I think it just takes the first step. How do we get you to take it? Surely you have SOME survival instinct. What’s the alternative? (Wither up in a ball under your covers forever?)

What happens to YOU, will happen to all these HPD women. Maybe if you will not do it for yourself, you’ll do it for my wife and all the others who see your posts who cannot bring themselves to speak up.

What’s your move? We are waiting. WHAT IF!?

I guess my only thought here is:

1.) Being comfortable and happy when we are alone is self-esteem.
2.) But it is a different experience than a social one in which we get affirmation from others.
3.) People with self-esteem do experience a 'high' but it is a different kind of 'high'

I have commenced therapy in which I work on my self-esteem.

This new guy has approached me in a not to misunderstanding manner, and I have been able to keep him at a distance. It's so hard not to act on it. If it would only be possible to shut down these fall in love emotions and feel a sense of morality that is big enough not to cheat on my boyfriend.

I DO love my boyfriend but I feel like I HAVE to have this guy's attention. I don't know what to do. Everything is so boring and empty without this excitement. But I really do want to grow old with my boyfriend even though I can imagine myself being with this new guy too.

Sometimes I think the most crucial factor, is the lack of a sense of morality, as I think everybody fantasizes about somebody else sometimes, but isn't it that most people feel guilt? I don't.

Maybe I am not capable of loving someone profoundly enough, to not act out of egoism?

Evelyne_ wrote:I have commenced therapy in which I work on my self-esteem.

This new guy has approached me in a not to misunderstanding manner, and I have been able to keep him at a distance. It's so hard not to act on it. If it would only be possible to shut down these fall in love emotions and feel a sense of morality that is big enough not to cheat on my boyfriend.

I DO love my boyfriend but I feel like I HAVE to have this guy's attention. I don't know what to do. Everything is so boring and empty without this excitement. But I really do want to grow old with my boyfriend even though I can imagine myself being with this new guy too.

Sometimes I think the most crucial factor, is the lack of a sense of morality, as I think everybody fantasizes about somebody else sometimes, but isn't it that most people feel guilt? I don't.

Maybe I am not capable of loving someone profoundly enough, to not act out of egoism?

The fact that you have these doubts is an excellent sign Evelyne! It means that you are able to introspect. And: it is very evident that you are learning and realizing new things/concepts, this is very apparent to us all!

Keep on, and if you have any difficulty write here, we are here to help you!

Evelyne_ wrote:Sometimes I think the most crucial factor, is the lack of a sense of morality, as I think everybody fantasizes about somebody else sometimes, but isn't it that most people feel guilt? I don't.

Not sure but yes people fantasize but guessing most don't take their own fantasy thoughts seriously. Easy come easy go. Not necessary to act on and... which hurts more? Someone having a thought to hurt you, or actually doing it? They might not feel guilty about having thoughts but would about actually hurting someone.

I'll start by apologizing for my bad english...I'm from denmark and therefor not completely fluent in english..

Evelyn, oh how I wish my girlfriend had the same insight as you. i know you're fighting as hard as you can, and because of your awareness about this cycle, I'm positive that you can pull through. I believe in you!

I'm pretty sure, that my girlfriend goes through the same cycle, and by god, I wish she would talk to me about it. So that i could comfort her, and give her a shoulder to lean on...But maybe that isn't the actual need, someone to lean on...Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about the urge? Most importantly would you feel comfortable about it? Is there something he can do to ease this urge of yours?

Hoping the very best for both of you!

Evelyne you totally have it in you to turn this around. Everyone's right, the ability to introspect is hugely lacking in those PDs who don't get better. The fact that you have developed such a good sense of self awareness already puts you on the right path, and Dan's right, you just need that first step in the right direction and the rest will follow, it just takes time!