Can I Vent?

First off I want to say my HPD and I have more of a work relationship. Meaning.... we don't share activities outside of work but do get along from 9 to 5. This has always baffled me because she would come on so strong suggesting more and right when I take her bait she would pull away as if I was nuts for considering such thoughts. I've now taken the approach to actually study her and analyze her behavior.

Like Lucy does all the time to Charlie Brown with the football. I always saw this as some form of manipulation and eventually have stopped asking her out, even to lunch. Although I don't seek her out, I do treat her favorably when we do interact. I admit I am a good source of NS. Although I feed into her ego, I don't fall into the trap of overdoing it. I've disciplined myself to keep my emotions in check. This seems to work for both of us and most importantly for me.

Currently things have changed and I'm wondering what her motives are....

She is leaving the company soon (30 days), and I'm trying to assess her behavior. It seems as though she is trying to solidify our relationship. I doubt the relationship will last once she has secured her NS at her new job. BUt you never know.

I do like her and would like to continue the friendship after she leaves but am uncertain if that will ever occur. Should I expect it to die or will it work out for the better because it relieves the pressure for her to always be on? Over the last few days she has kept mentioning that we are friends. Not as though she needs to establish the boundaries between us, but more as a reassurance that she won't be abandoned. She might be frightened at the possibility of losing me and has sensed something and it has caused her to react. Let me explain.

I've tried stepping away from her because I want to ease the transition from her being in my life to not being in my life. However, she very craftily reinjects herself into the picture when she feels I've been away for too long. She seems to be very patient when she starts her manipulations. In the course of 3 days she has done the following:

Day 1 (Wed), Swing by in a common area at a time when she knows I will be there. I don't acknowledge her nor does she acknowledge me. Although she acknowledges everybody else.

Day 2 (Thurs), Asks me to do her a little favor. i.e. take something to another. first thing when I come in. I didn't respond to her right away and she's on the phone calling me. Come by later in the day for something small. Call me for the littlest things. Anything to remind me she's around and more importantly to manipulate me into taking care of her needs however small.

Day 3 (Fri), Ask me to go for break. By now I am very aware of her behavior and not in the best of moods. The reason why is because it gets me nowhere with this girl. I'm in no mood to give her an ego boost and decided to be a little mean towards her by telling her she needs to shed a few pounds. This didn't go over too well because she was hoping to gain a modeling gig by the end of the week, which might explain why I'm receiving her attention. She reacts and threatens not to call me. Only to show up at the end of the day with some made up story seeking my opinion. (Probably because she saw another attractive female flirting with me and more than likely it grinded on her mind throughout the day, since I didn't bother to ask her if she was still upset with me).

The thing is I've really examined her body language and behavior at the end of the day and she showed signs of someone who is truly in "love" with me. I'm not suggesting she actually loves me but the physical changes were very apparant. Her pupils were dilated. She fidgeted with her hair. Couldn't stop smiling, Mimicked my behavior, Giddy, etc.. This is very fascinating to me. I know she can't possibly like me given totallity of all her behavior. But still I'm hard pressed to explain her body language. It's like this temporary infatuation that goes away just as quickly as it comes.

She has shown a controlled jealous streak. Let me explain. She is getting the sense that she is no longer the only "woman" in my life. I'm sharing some experiences with her more about the ladies I'm dating and what we've been up to. The things we've done are very unique and not to boast but most woman would love to have done some of the things we've done. And judging by her comments, images in her mind of me sharing my time with someone else have stuck.

What I've noticed though is her curiousity of the women in my life has shot up. She asks me questions about my ex-wife, Tell me abou the girl your dating, etc. Of course, I tell her I don't share my private life, which I don't unless I totally trust the individual or can remain anonymous.

Today she calls and informs me she didn't get the job. She says she got a rating of a 9, which doesn't beat the person who ended up with a 9.5. Of course, I tell her around here she's a 10, and she should be proud of her beauty because she was one of the top candidates. I uplifted her spirits and that was the extent of our interaction. Part of me wanted to call her later and continue providing her some sympathy, but I am so distrustful of her that I'm almost certain it's just another manipulation tactic.

Is she calling me to feel better about herself or is it to remind me she's still around? I don't know. All I know is typing this up has relieved me of some pressure in dealing with her. I know this probably doesn't offer much, but if anything it's a lesson in the frustration of having to always operate with one's guard up.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

ANYGUY

If I may,
I don't really understand this stuff any more than you do despite the fact that I've lived with an HPD for the last 10 years. I didn't understand her motives all that time and now that I'm outside it I'm actually more puzzled.

Long-short I can't help you with the questions you've asked, although I'm sure somebody will be along who can. But you have raised a question in my mind that might possibly be more beneficial to answer:

What are your motivations towards her? I don't mean to pry, mind you....just something to think about.

What are your motivations towards her? I don't mean to pry, mind you....just something to think about.

Good Question...

In other words, why be a part of this chaos? What am I getting out of it?

Part of me is angry at myself for allowing myself to get sucked in by the mind games, and now, I want to feel satisfied that I've won in the end. Exacted some revenge on her.

Another side wants to avoid feeling the pain I felt after going through a tough divorce. This girl triggered in me some emotions I usually have under control. How she did it? I don't know but she has. By slowly weaning myself away from her, I 'm hoping I will be able to minimize the feelings of rejection I've felt.

Also, there is the challenge of winning this girl over, and possibly including her as someone to have fun with outside of work. While at the same time, conditioning myself to handle such a person.

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Today was quite strange.... Ever since she learned of me dating other women, it has sent her into a bit of a tizzy. Nothing extreme. She wants to know their names, who are they, How'd I meet them, etc.. Yeah I know it sounds like typical questions, but the manner in which she asks is in a jealous sarcastic tone. She seemed very threatened. She called me a derogatory name and suggested I was having sex with both, which I never even discussed with her. This was all made up in her mind.

I haven't shared much information and have refrained from exposing her to my personal life for the main reason I don't trust her. The things I do talk about are very general and typical of what two friends might discuss. Such as, I might mention going to Disneyland with a friend without going into too great of detail. It's not said in anyway as to spark any emotional reaction. In other words, I might be responding to her asking what I did for the weekend.

It seems though, she can't stand the idea of not having my full attention. Her not being the center of my universe has caused her to panic. She has initiated more contact and appears less confident. Most strongly during the morning when I first arrive. Lately, I might add she has shown a little anger streak of late because I haven't detailed much at all. I must add I don't discuss anything unless she asks and even then it's very limited.

I guess what I'm getting at. And this is hopefully for the HPD/BPD/NPD's out there, what goes through your mind when you initially learn that your supplier is wandering off? When you're not with the person for an extended period of time (like say from the end of the work day to the following morning), what would you be thinking in your moment of solitude given the events of my situation? What are you planning?

Part of me is angry at myself for allowing myself to get sucked in by the mind games, and now, I want to feel satisfied that I've won in the end. Exacted some revenge on her.

Surely you realize that the type of revenge you seek is impossible?
I mean...she doesn't understand the consequences of her actions on you any more than a toddler playing with matches. What good could come of revenge? If you want revenge you can have it. You know her weakness while she is oblivious to yours.
If you wanted to, you could do whatever you wished to her. You could easily crush her emotionally or just manipulate her for your own ends. But how would that help you with your self-recriminations? You'd end up a heartbroken person with a self-image so bad you'd end up on the road to being like her...

Another side wants to avoid feeling the pain I felt after going through a tough divorce. This girl triggered in me some emotions I usually have under control. How she did it? I don't know but she has. By slowly weaning myself away from her, I'm hoping I will be able to minimize the feelings of rejection I've felt.

She's a good actress and having her attention focused on you made you feel good about yourself. Who wouldn't fall for that?
How can anyone blame themself for feeling special when someone set out to intentionally make them feel that way? Rhetorical question. I sure as hell do

Also, there is the challenge of winning this girl over, and possibly including her as someone to have fun with outside of work. While at the same time, conditioning myself to handle such a person.

The "challenge" is a one-way trip to dispair as you can see. This girl isn't real. Not any more than an actress on the TV or a fictional character in a book. She can't be won over because she's a mere projection. You don't know the real woman behind the mask.

I apologise if that sounds blunt and hurtful, but that's the truth.

Also, you are already conditioned to handle such people as friends. You know what they look like now. Simply enjoy their company and don't take them seriously.

Here's my $0.02 although I know you didn't ask:
The only way you can heal from this is to fix the damage she has done to you and move on. That requires counseling.
No good will come of exacting revenge, as that will only make you feel like a jerk. No good will come of waiting from an apology, as she doesn't know she's done anything wrong. No good will come of trying to "keep" her as she's not "there" to begin with.
You're a long way from this point and I wish you well on your journey.

Damon,
I'll do my best to answer your questions, but keep in mind they're really only based on my unique experience.

I have noticed that. Why is that though?

No working empathy. No ability to understand the concept of "ramifications". HPDs live in the moment. They lie to themselves just as easily as they lie to you, so the negative lessons for improper behavior aren't internalized.

What is/are her weakness(es)? Why is she oblivious to his weakness(es)? How would it be possible for him to do whatever he wishes to, to crush her emotionally and/or to manipulate her? I'm not saying I want to do these things, but I'm wondering how these things are possible.

I won't post examples of how to manipulate an HPD sufferer since many new victims want revenge before healing. I'd just as soon not contribute to that type of behavior.

The weakness: they are not in control of their own self-esteem as we are.. They consider your view of them as their view of themselves. They do not have empathy like we do, so they're not certain what effect their behavior will have on us. They do not plan ahead like we do.

Those factors combined would make it child's play for someone to manipulate one of these people. They don't see the weakness because they can't stand to contemplate themselves. We see it clear as day.

Is that a reason not to form a relationship with such a woman? If that is so, then it seems as though every single guy should stay clear of such a woman (when it comes to romance). If that happened, the woman would end up with no guy at all because she is a victim of her condition. Surely, such a woman deserves to be happy (romantically speaking). Isn't there a way of forming a romantic relationship with such a woman while successfully managing/dealing/overcoming/defeating her condition? Because if there is not, I feel very sorry for her (not to mention the guy).

I would say yes, it's a valid reason to not form a relationship. A relationship cannot be formed with someone who has no regard for their obligations to their partner. I'd be willing to help an HPD sufferer get better, but I wouldn't knowingly walk into a "relationship" with one. Yeah, it is sad.

Is there an alternative to counseling?

I don't think so... At least not a healthy one. It's basically that or else dump your frustrations on the next hapless partner you run across.