Need feedback

I came across HPD while searching for ways to overcome an obsession with a man that I should not have. After reading some of the information, I am beginning to seriously wonder if that is what is wrong with me, and has been for all these years? Since about the age of 14, I have done stupid things to get attention, such as burning my arm, causing myself to wreck on my bicycle, cutting my knee and foot so I could go to the hospital in the hopes my then obsession with getting attention from ER doctors would help get rid of the constant thoughts of "how can I get to the ER?" I ended up attempting suicide twice when I was 16. It was just for attention. And I received so much on the 3 month stay in a psyc ward that I began to figure out ways to go back! I have always wanted attention, not to be the center of attention in a group, or by everyone all the time, it is more like I get this obsession (I keep using that word, but nothing else describes it) with a certain person and I NEED their attention, I need to cry on their shoulder, I need to have the long, serious conversations. It's like I want them to worry about me. I don't outright start with a lie, but when something minor happens, I turn it around and make it into a crisis - same thing as a lie, I guess. I have been seeing this guy for over a year. I have "embellished" the things I tell him. I crave his attention constantly. It is to the point where I start thinking all kinds of things if he doesn't text me every five minutes. I get upset if I even think he is pulling away. So, I take something mundane that happened and make myself the victim so I can get his attention focused on me, only me. The list goes on and on - all the way back to age 14 and a car wreck. That led to the fixation with the ER and the paramedics. I always go over these dramatic scenes in my mind. I call them "what if" and I see myself getting all this attention. I mean crazy things, being injured really bad, or someone dying from an illness and me getting the sympathy. I don't act on these thoughts, but I still have them. Now I am so confused that maybe I am writing this for attention. Sheesh. I don't know. I feel hurt, confused, ashamed, guilty, the list repeats itself. I also get fixated on someone's "bad habits" and I can't stand to be around them, even though they are close family. I take meds for depression and anxiety and it has helped. Maybe getting my mood mellowed out has allowed me to finally see what I have been doing all these years. I just don't know what to do.

Hiya lilwillow,

First welcome to the forum.

Second, wow that is commendable and brave that you've introspected. HPD or not, that takes guts to face yourself.

I don't know if you have HPD, and as this is just an internet forum nobody is qualified to diagnose but what you do know is something isn't working. I don't know if you afford it, but would you be willing to have a talk with a professional about what this? You mentioned you are taking some meds now. Maybe something you can bring up?

I guess the main thing with attention seeking is there are two aspects to be aware of:

1.) There is the validation aspect, the part that can temporarily boost self-esteem.
2.) There is the control side. The part that keeps others busy focused on us vs having their own thoughts and goals, which is outside of our control.

These two aspects go hand in hand, and are self-reinforcing. The later because if one is in control, it is also a self-esteem booster to feel one is in control.

Thanks for the reply. You know, the more I think on this, I guess the validation aspect makes the most sense. It is almost like a "boost" to get the attention. When I do these things, all I can think is "I want to matter to somebody." Now I have started saying to myself I can't be doing this, but I have this incredible uncontrollable impulse to go ahead and say this is the last time. I compare it to some kind of addiction because it is all consuming. I wish I could afford to see a psychologist about it. Right now my gp is prescribing the medications. Somehow, I will get to see someone who can help me. Maybe I an check on some programs that help if you don't have insurance. But what really puzzles me, is I did not have any kind of traumatic childhood. If anything, I was spoiled, never was grounded, never even received any kind of discipline. Loving parents, loving brothers and sisters. I just don't get why I even started this.

Hi lilwillow,

It's hard to know why, and maybe there is no good reason why.

I think in general we all have our innate personalities * our experiences. It's hard to know exactly what combination results in this or that. You might go talk to someone only to find that the past isn't why. Besides, it only matters so much, the reasons why. We can still change our future.

That written, you did write that you were well supported as a child. Sometimes too much support can backfire too. Eventually we end up out there and the rest of the world isn't so supportive. If we have no stress as a child then we are ill prepared for stress when it eventually happens as adults.

Sometimes that's not it either. We can get a message stuck in our heads and then go down a path that doesn't work. For people with HPD the message might be 'if I'm not everything to everyone than I'm nothing', black and white thinking, but for whatever reasons it becomes an all consuming goal. Nothing/Nobody is ever good enough because it's impossible to be everything to everyone, but there is no stopping it once that becomes the obsession. Occasionally it may work out, and so like you wrote, it becomes an addiction to seek out that high when it does, but the high is short-lived.

I never really considered being too supportive to kids. Dang, makes sense though. This has really opened my eyes to the fact that it is time to admit that I have a problem that I can't control by myself. It all makes sense but then, it doesn't make sense at the same time. Guess that is why confusion is the first word I think of about this entire situation. Glad I came across this forum. Really glad. Thanks a million for the info.

lilwillow wrote:...This has really opened my eyes to the fact that it is time to admit that I have a problem that I can't control by myself. It all makes sense but then, it doesn't make sense at the same time. Guess that is why confusion is the first word I think of about this entire situation. Glad I came across this forum. Really glad. Thanks a million for the info.

Kudos for the bravery required to face yourself!

The rest takes time, but the hardest step is to take the step you've taken, to realize something isn't working. Awesome

xdude wrote:
[...]

That written, you did write that you were well supported as a child. Sometimes too much support can backfire too. Eventually we end up out there and the rest of the world isn't so supportive. If we have no stress as a child then we are ill prepared for stress when it eventually happens as adults.

I second xdude's statement, in that if we happen to have too much supportive parents (i.e., iper-protective), this may backfire. This was indeed my case, even if I don't have any PD (just a mild borderline style personality ).

xdude wrote:Sometimes that's not it either. We can get a message stuck in our heads and then go down a path that doesn't work. For people with HPD the message might be 'if I'm not everything to everyone than I'm nothing', black and white thinking, but for whatever reasons it becomes an all consuming goal. Nothing/Nobody is ever good enough because it's impossible to be everything to everyone, but there is no stopping it once that becomes the obsession. Occasionally it may work out, and so like you wrote, it becomes an addiction to seek out that high when it does, but the high is short-lived.

The irony is that for an HPD "being everything to everyone" ends up being impossible, since with their destructive attention-seeking behaviour they end up distancing people who really loved or cared about

Ok. I have tried dealing with this issue several different ways. No luck. Just when I think I can quit seeking this man's attention, I waiver and give in. I even tried praying at the altar. I am too ashamed To talk to anyone about this and I just keep right on wanting his attention. I caught myself beginning to seek sympathy from someone else, but i was able to stop before it got out of hand... Why him I keep asking? Why can't I stop this stupid behavior of mine? I ended up visiting the ER and was so worked up they thought I was having a stroke. Dang, so did I. I felt totally out of control emotion wise. Ended up with a hefty hospital bill from the overnight stay to get my blood pressure down. Ugh. How can I move away from this?....I know I can't get diagnosed on a Forum, but any suggestions would be appreciated. I just Can't quit obsessing over getting his Attention/sympathy. Sheesh...

lilwillow wrote:Ok. I have tried dealing with this issue several different ways. No luck. Just when I think I can quit seeking this man's attention, I waiver and give in. I even tried praying at the altar. I am too ashamed To talk to anyone about this and I just keep right on wanting his attention. I caught myself beginning to seek sympathy from someone else, but i was able to stop before it got out of hand... Why him I keep asking? Why can't I stop this stupid behavior of mine? I ended up visiting the ER and was so worked up they thought I was having a stroke. Dang, so did I. I felt totally out of control emotion wise. Ended up with a hefty hospital bill from the overnight stay to get my blood pressure down. Ugh. How can I move away from this?....I know I can't get diagnosed on a Forum, but any suggestions would be appreciated. I just Can't quit obsessing over getting his Attention/sympathy. Sheesh...

First of all, I am not sure of your faith. I am a Christian and I have noticed that prayer does help me, if I tie it to something. For my situation I thanked God for giving me "a spanking" for doing the wrong thing because it will make me more cognizant of what I'm doing. Yes, my situation is ugly today, but I am less likely to repeat mistakes that I have learned the hard way not to do. Prayer gives me some relief, but that alone isn't enough. The issues need to be resolved to get healing.

From a relationship standpoint, I can certainly understand what it is like to be obsessed with someone. For me, I was in a wonderful relationship with a woman who was nearly perfect, for me, in every way. I have my own HPD trait where I too get attracted to other women and flirt with them (never cheating). That wrecked my relationship many years ago as she had a rock solid moral system and wouldn't accept that one bit. I realized that I ruined my ideal relationship and tried for YEARS to get her back and she would never have any of it, even though we were both single for a long, long time.

I am not a doctor and am not qualified to say if there is something wrong with you or not. But perhaps you can ask yourself this question:

Is it that you are in love with him and have to have him? Or is it that you really wanted to have someone to love and that you were in love with being in a relationship?

Since can't get this out of your mind (which should be option #1) Just try to break the problem down into smaller pieces. Is it just the type of person he is that you are attracted to? Is it because of the history and times built together? Even get a blank piece of paper, write it down, draw circles and arrows, map it out.

It may be that there is nothing wrong with you at all. Just having traits of a disorder doesn't mean having one. Also, we are all just people and there are limits to how much we can handle things without needing a little help.