Tips for getting over an HPD

Gnange,

Thank you, this is very powerful. When I digest this, I will post more in depth.

You've touched on many things. One of them was the grieving, the mourning. I can relate. It hit me when I was alone with my thoughts after someone who I love had told me gently for the 1000th time the woman I loved never existed. "She wasn't real," she kept saying to me until it sank it slowly. "That woman never existed except in your mind."

I read about projection after that. Everything about my HPD I had projected on her. She played another role, the role my mind had created for her.

The most lasting damage I have is that I don't trust my mind very much these days. I was overconfident before. Now I constantly think I am terrible when it comes to judging a person's character.

Thank you for your words and for listening.
Be well.
Kevin

Great list! I think that it should be posted at the top of the forum as an announcement or whatever it needs to be, for reference for everyone to use, especially for newcomers to easily find.

I have run into the gal I dated twice in the last month. The first time I wanted vomit, screw her, strangle her and save her all at the same time. I did not engage her, I just kept walking. Just before christmas I saw her again and came within a couple of feet of her in a store, and I just kept walking. I am not sure if she saw me either time, but this second time those emotions I had the first time were not there. It made me realize that it is the relationship that I am missing. This is something that could be added to the list. It is the relationship not the girl that a person misses!

I have a forgiven myself and her, but more importantly I am thankful to my higher power for having met her. The personal growth I have gone through since seperating from her has been very significant for me. I suggest that a person read "Rebuilding, when your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. It is for divorce but many of the concepts can be applied to any break up. It helps with grieving and prepares you for your next relationship, which I think is very important. I would like to date again just to get the HPD off my mind, but unfortunately from the reading I know I am not ready for that. Sucks that an easy cure can't be used!

My psychologist suggested that at Christmas time that I prepare for a possible phone call and that I should have a script ready to gracefully get off the phone. I think this is a good idea for any time to avoid any further entanglement or temptation.

Have peace in the new year.[/b]

Thats a good idea for sure Roy.

I may leave it off of that for a few more days though as I think people naturally avoid posting in the stickied topics as most forums have rules against it.

To my knowledge ours doesn't.

In anycase good job on the tips guys.

To add my little bit more I would say that...

An evaluation for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and treatment can help as well you might need grief therapy.

Where's the list of tips???

WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGERS FOR SENSITIVE PEOPLE WITH HPD OR OTHER PD'S
Couldn't find it either.
If I could fill in here what I have learned...basically getting over an HPD is an extreme version of getting over a Non woman. If you Google that topic, you will come up with something like this:
(assume you are a male Non trying to get over a female HPD...no disrespect for other gender combinations...just switch the pronouns and situations, hopefully)

(1)Actively establish No Contact with your ex HPD: no physical, visual, auditory, telephonic, e mail, or social media contact, etc. Sometimes this is not entirely possible (i.e., she could be a co-worker), but to the greatest extent possible absolute No Contact is the fastest way back. Think of it as "half-hearted No Contact takes twice as long."
If she tries to contact you don't respond; it she surprises you in person or with a phone call be prepared to say no to any requests, and in general to brush her off...let her firmly know she no longer has a place in your life. If you become a stalking victim you have a very unfortunate situation requiring lawyers, the police, judges, etc., but No Contact still applies so let the cops, courts or your lawyer handle the communications between the two of you.

(2) When you start to think about her, think about her flaws, i.e., "wow, what a b*tch; she has a hopeless Personality Disorder, jeez I was lucky to get away." Make her the enemy, but not in an obsessive or vindictive way.
Later, after you are out of your emotional pain, you will have more honest room to feel compassion for people with PD's. Right now, you need to separate yourself from her, with some feelings of animosity and even a little contempt. If you try to understand her to the degree that you feel sorry for her, then you will want to help her, and you will be right back where you started.

Soon, instead of thinking of her as a bad person, you should be able to just think of something else.

(3) Start doing something that requires rigorous activity. For example, playing Rugby with some guys would be better than Golf, because Rugby is physically exhausting, has male-male dynamics, and has no room for contemplative breaks like Golf, during which you might start to remember her.

(4) Go out, have some fun, and meet and date other women (healthy ones). This might come off as vulgar, but try to have respectful, consentual, safe sex with them. If you became sexually addicted to your ex HPD, you will need to break out of the addiction. Having sex and light romance with another woman will give you a big mental and emotional perspective to get out of the addiction.

(5) Eventually, fall in honest love with another woman (a more mentally healthy one).

One thing sometimes suggested is that you should become friends with your ex's new guy. I would never do this, especially in the case of an HPD, because he could be a Non like you were, all messed up (as you were), and all his pain will re-open your triggers, or he could be AsPD, and maybe leave you wondering how he pulls it off...you could become jealous, and there could be violence, etc.
Or if that new relationship fails you might be tempted to jump in the blank space...and she would probably welcome you back in.

Also, some will say that if you don't re-examine why you fell for your HPD ex (like in therapy) you might likely end up falling for another. This is true. But if you go to therapy too soon and talk too much about what you went through with her, you can inadvertantly convert these memories into triggers, which means you will keep starting over and over emotionally, even though you are simultaneously learning what flaws led you to have a relationship with an HPD.
Specifically, what I am getting at it is it will be hard to render the relationship emotionally extinct and do the self-analysis at the same time...you have to first make your emotional history with her as extinct as possible before you start going back and looking at your reasons for getting involved with your HPD ex. At least this is an optimal sequence.

In my opinion. Anyone with feedback...please respond

Nope, sounds good.

The struggle would be in finding a woman who's decent enough AND loves you as much as you love her.