HPD: Guilt

I feel guilt all the time!!

The problem is that the urge to act out is too big to anticipate the guilt I ALWAYS feel afterwards.

I am capable of flirting in front of the eyes of my boyfriend whilst knowing that I will feel an immense guilt afterwards and still continue my act.

In my head it's like "give me attention or I'll die" and this feeling overrides "what a pathetic selfish person am I, to do this harm to another human being who did nothing but being nice".

How would one even fix the problem of the absence of a sense of guilt? I know, therapy. But really, can this be taught? I think I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be as perfect as I can, because when I screw up I don't feel guilty even though I know it hurts other people. I cheated and felt no guilt whatsoever. Even when the guys wife continued to think we're good friends. Even after I told my husband about it, which I only did because he was imminently about to find out anyway. And even now, when things are thank god so so much better, my husband will point out to me (in a kind way, and because he knows I want to know) when I've screwed up and mistreated someone and this is when I'm actively trying to change! It's extremely frustrating and at times feels hopeless.
One thing though. I have a teenage son who's not so happy with the circumstances of his life. I feel incredibly guilty that I have not been able to provide him with a life that he finds happy and satisfying. My guilt surrounding this is sometimes crushing. I think it's truly the only thing that I feel guilt about. Which my husband consistently tells me is crazy and to let it go because I didn't do anything wrong. So the things that should make me feel guilty don't, and the area I feel most guilty for is (potentially) not even anything I could have controlled!

Evelyne_ wrote:I feel guilt all the time!!

The problem is that the urge to act out is too big to anticipate the guilt I ALWAYS feel afterwards.

I am capable of flirting in front of the eyes of my boyfriend whilst knowing that I will feel an immense guilt afterwards and still continue my act.

It's the "box of chocolate" guilt. I know that one really well too actually

I really don't know though some articles suggest that some people's brains may be wired such that they don't feel guilt (per some MRI studies), but it's really difficult to know if this is due to biology, or learned, or a mix of both (problem being the MRIs are taken later in life vs from early childhood).

I do think people can learn to suppress a lot of emotions, such as being angry, even when they have good cause to be. It's not surprising then that someone could learn to shut off guilt. Of course anger and guilt are radically different. I'm 'angry' at x, y, z other person is fundamentally different than guilt, because guilt is somewhat like being angry at ourselves.

What makes it fundamentally different is that it's much easier to find fault in others than it is to take responsibility for our faults. The later requires both the ability to introspect, and to face a set of emotions and thought processes that end with our finger pointing inward vs outward at others.

Finally I think a key matter when it comes to guilt is that if we do practice shutting it off, going ahead no matter what, we build up a kind of personal debt. As the debt climbs, it becomes increasingly hard to face, so odds are increasingly we will shut down that emotion.

Wonder if one could develop "cognitive guilt" the way we talk about developing "cognitive empathy"!

pedsmommy wrote:Wonder if one could develop "cognitive guilt" the way we talk about developing "cognitive empathy"!

Perhaps. I'll go out on a slight limb though and write that I personally think a couple of 'in plain site' factors matter:

1.) The first in plain site matter is that we humans do not stop developing at the moment of birth; it's a factor but our development is an on-going process from conception through our entire lives.
2.) I believe we humans are social beings at heart and need each other. I have no idea how to know how much of what we are is genetic (biological) vs learned, but it reminds me of a book I really enjoyed ... "The Extended Phenotype: The Long Reach of the Gene" by Richard Dawkins. The book basically is about a concept that our existence is not just inside, we are not loners, and the extremely rare cases of people who survived without a social upbringing - was not so inspiring.

So I don't know if we learn guilt or empathy, but I also don't think it's the right question to ask anyway. There is a lot of in plain site evidence that shows we humans need each other to thrive, but even beyond that, just to finish growing up. I do get that some people see themselves as loners, but they are really not doing it alone. That only works because others do have empathy, and are cooperative. If they had to live in their own dog eat dog world they believe in, I strongly suspect they'd hate it. Double standard