My wife is very difficult and I don't know what to do.

I am married to a very difficult woman. There are 2 kids involved here- one is an 8 year old boy from a previous relationship of hers- I have a fantastic relationship with him (possibly because I'm the only adult in his life). The other is our daughter- she is 16 months old and I would do anything for her. I am in such a difficult place. My relationship with this woman most closely resembles what I am reading in this forum. The "your my hero" to the "clinginess and it's all about her" to the "I can't stand you, you're an a_hole." Since my wife has been in therapy for almost 3 years, they initially said this was bipolar. As I read more about hpd- it seems to fit a heck of a lot more closely to what I am experiencing.
What I've seen to date:
-I can completely relate the HPD relationship game. I was her hero and she greatly was into everything I was doing. As time wore on, everything I was doing became a problem. Everything that's wrong in our marriage is 50% my fault although she's felt that I caused her to go to another man because I wasn't listening to her.
-Very impulsive with money almost financially ruining me. It doesn't seem to bother her that she wants everything new. Like gotta have those new shoes, I don't have the money, but I'll buy them anyway. Once she has them, she never wears them. She is an over-eater as well. She used to throw up a lot. Didn't find out about that until much later into our relationship.
-Sex: she always tried to use sex with me. She describes her past relationships as abusive. She used sex to keep them around- like to be accomadating. She's always tried that with me, but was never that important to me- trust and communication were a heck of a lot more important to me. When she figured that out, it was almost like a relief to her because she never felt chemistry with me anyway. She feels that maybe she just doesn't like sex or something. She is always complaining about me in bed which is also interesting because for a long time, she felt I was the best thing she ever had.
-She was very clingy at one time. Our relationship became more about her as time wore on. In fact, it became very centered around her. What we did, when we did it. It all revolves around her. If I make my own plans, it's a problem for her. I've felt at times that she was very unsupportive I the things I was doing, but now reading all this stuff- I've realized it's more than that. One day i was working on the PC- she threatened to unplug all the wires- almost like a child throwing a temper tantrum. One day I realized that she always seems to provoke me and when I react to that, it starts the drama- I chose to start ignoring her when she behaves this way because that is what I do with kids when they behave this way. She started throwing things and got physically violent. She's hit me, slapped me, thrown things at me.
-In March of this year, I noticed she became very withdrawn from me emotionally. Up to this point in our relationship, I was pretty happy with her. Mainly because she was very introspective and generally owned up to bad behavior. She claimed it was because I wasn't listening to her. She claimed it was because I put her down. She claimed it was because of my involvement in activities like community service- "What's more important? Me and the family or your service". She said that there was somebody else she was talking to at work. With all this laid on me in one shot, I was devestated. I starting looking at all the stuff she complained about. I started therapy etc. I felt like such a sh_t for doing this to her. I starting really believing her and doubting myself. I realized that no matter what, she would always find fault it didn't matter what I did or how I did it. There would always be some fault with me.
-By May of this year, she started staying away from home for periods of time. I caught her in several lies. She was spending time with this co-worker and she would actually put that over the kids and I. When I attempted to work out those lies with her. She became more and more hateful towards me.
-We went to see a marriage counselor together. It was a let's bash the man session for a couple of weeks, yet I never heard her take any responsibility. It was about how my comments are so abusive, but nothing about how she spent the night over another man's house and left the kids with her mother. It's always my part in it. It's all about how I talked to her mother and brother- I involve everybody- never he wanted to know what the heck was going on.
-She acts like a child much of the time. Bitchy, rotten, spoiled, self-centered.
-She admits to feeling empty much of the time. I've noticed that she absolutely pushes me and people that try to love her away.
-This entire summer she had me convinced that she was spending time with a very spiritual woman. She spend many nights over her house. I got fed up with always being treated like cr_p and having to play the role of both parents to the kids. I knew she was lying and I hired a PI. Of course she was with this other man. She wasn't caught doing anything, but she was with him.
-When I confronted her about this, she initially was bitchy about it, but then became accomadating again. After she talked to her mom, she then started calling me verbally abusive. I was so full of self-doubt at this point that I actually agreed to it!
-At this point she decided I was a problem, I was unstable and needed to go. She changed the locks and packed my bags.
-When she told me we needed to talk, I decided to call her on her bluff. I told her that I thought about everything and moving out/separating wasn't something I was willing to do. She got very arrogant and said that I have no choice. I told her I do have a choice. I choose to end this marriage, put the house up for sale and that's it's over. I went to start moving my bags to my car. Then I got the sad sorry eyes. She wanted to talk. I looked at her and told her "I love you and I want you to be happy. You're not happy with me, but you seem to be happy with him, since I want you to be happy, this marriage is over and you can do what you want'. She actually started pulling on my trying to stop me. She kept telling me that she is happy with me and that I can't go. I looked at her and said, "It's obvious you're not. My bags are packed and you changed the locks"
-Within 3 days, she was enrolling herself in therapy 2 times a week. She called me one day to acknowledge all of her bad behavior- it was all of it. She didn't miss anything. I felt for the first time in month that there was hope. She claimed she was going to try harder. She did for a while. Didn't take long before she was back to the same behaviors.
-She wants to go out. She feels that for the first time in her life she feels strong enough to go out on her own. She used to be a homebody- she enjoyed hanging out watching movies with me etc. And we would go out occasionally, but when we did go out- she was always in a hurry to want to go home. Even on our honeymoon. She wanted to go home the first day we were there.
She goes out until 4am very frequently. I thought this wasa bipolar mania- she always took the antidepressants and mood stabilier, but she didn't take the anti-manic med regularly enough. I told her repeatedly how much she was hurting me, but I always got "Get over it" or "I don't understand why it's a problem" "I'm not going to stop doing it". In the past month, although there has been progress, she's still very sneaky about what she does. When I attempt to talk to her about how hurtful the behavior is, I always hear, "You still refuse to get your part in this".
-She's describes most of her past relationships as abusive and they ended because she was abused. They cheated on her etc.
-She's described our relationship as very different. She doesn't know what to do. This is not her normal pattern of relationship- if anything she says she's usually me in a relationships. Up until this summer, we were together for 4 years. I was always respectful, mindful and treated her like a princess. When she started to behave like badly, I was respectful about it. Always starting with, "what can we learn together".
-Today is a good example of what it's like with her. Last night, at my stepson's concert- I saw his father. I've spoken to him a couple of times over this year because of my concerns for his son. He told me he completely can relate to the nightmare I've experienced- I didn't even tell him anything. He just said he could see it in face. I chose to show him a very brief list of characteristics. He saw the one about twisting things around etc. He looked at me and said- "I don't need to see the rest, the first one is enough". My mother in law happened to be a distance away and saw me approach him. She happened to see me showing him something and naturally assumed I was talking about her daughter. My mother in law is convinced thanks to my wife that I am a monster. today I got a call from my wife, "Did you go to him with stuff about our marriage etc? I want a divorce, this is the last straw, you are insane etc."

I feel like I am losing my mind. I am currently in therapy and every week, I talk about how I am feeling and my TDoc keeps reminding me that who could expect a marriage to last when the wife behaves like this. I am so full of doubt about myself and wonder if I have a codependent need to be in a situation like this.

She is definitely BPD. Not HPD.

I've been rubbed to the bone. I cannot do this anymore. I have my answer and need a lawyer.

She's been in therapy for 3 years now and all I see is the same pattern over and over. As far as she is concerned, I'm pathetic. It's all me and I don't see my part in this marriage failing.

Heck, I do see my part- I've been the perfect supply of drama for her.

Bobb,

I am sorry this sad situation is a part of your life.

I've been in therapy for a while. Mostly, what I've gotten out of it so far, is my part is allowing myself to "put up with" certain behaviors. I don't allow my pets to behave in certain ways, I don't have to put up with certain behaviors from the people in my life, either. I'm not at their mercy.

I also have learned with people, you have to set boundaries and limits regarding what you'll accept and what you want. I've laid some ground rules with folks that I've loved and been close to. I've told them if they didn't start accommodating me on some things and if I didn't accommodate them on some of their things, the relationships needed to end.

A lot of my relationships have ended. I know with children involved, you don't want that option. I hope you can work through this situation well enough to reach a point where the children's needs are met by both of you. Even if you and your wife aren't able to co-exist in a marriage, I hope you can work together as a parental team for your children.

Something I've learned to do that's helped me is to write a list of pros and cons regarding my relationships. I weigh the good and the bad. Everything has been a tough call, but at least I feel I've given both sides equal time while I've reached my decisions.

I wish you lots of luck and strength. Be there for your kids, but also be there for yourself. I don't think you can make your kids happy if you're unhappy with your own life.