warning signs

I found the information below on the web site of the Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/warning.php) Although the focus is potential problems with prospective spouses I believe that it pretty much refers to hpd issues.

• Warning sign: Does she become overly emotional about issues that don't seem to be that important?
Significance: Simply put, people who routinely engage in histrionics, extreme emotional displays, or who "create a scene" may not be stable. Be aware that this behavior is also present in some personality disorders.
• Warning sign: How many long-term friends does she have? ("Long-term" meaning five or more years of acquaintance)
Significance: An inability to maintain long-term friendships is a very bad sign. It's a reliable indicator that she is unable to maintain stable interpersonal relationships, a key foundation in any marriage. In short, if she doesn't have at least a few long-term friends, be suspicious.
• Warning sign: Does she have frequent conflicts with your friends and/or family? Have you stopped seeing certain people because of problems between them and your prospective spouse?
Significance: This is a classic sign of trouble to come, especially if you answered "yes" to the second question. Systematically alienating your friends and family through "manufactured" conflict is a classic sign of jealousy and insecurity.
• Warning sign: Does she have a history of seriously strained or conflicted relationships with her parents or siblings?
Significance: The presence of troubled or dysfunctional relationships with family members is an indication that she may have difficulty sustaining personal relationships. This is especially so if her conflict (for example, not speaking to certain family members) has gone on for an extended period of time.
• Warning sign: Is her personal and/or professional life characterized by frequent "crisis" situations?
Significance: An endless stream of crisis events is a sure sign that this person simply cannot "keep it together". It may also mean she has a need for this kind of constant "drama" in her life. Marrying this kind of person means that you will undoubtedly become part of her "support system". You'll also get to deal with her endless supply of "crisis" situations.
• Warning sign: Does her employment history include an abnormally large number of different jobs? Does she change jobs frequently, and if so, why?
Significance: Having a large number of jobs over time is another possible indicator of an unstable personality. Many times, the reason for the changes in employment will involve personality conflicts with co-workers, although this may not be disclosed to you (for obvious reasons).
• Warning sign: Does she have a history of starting things but rarely finishing any of them? (For example; schooling, personal projects or goals, etc)
Significance: This is another strong indication of a basic inability to commit to things, whether it be school, relationships, or a career. This kind of person is extremely dangerous to enter into marriage with. Often, the "reason" for quitting before the goal is reached will be a "crisis" situation, as mentioned earlier.
• Warning sign: Does she "fight fair", or does she resort to yelling, name-calling, door-slamming, leaving, or other similar behavior? Can she discuss touchy or uncomfortable issues without becoming upset?
Significance: Someone who can't discuss issues rationally is going to be a hard person to work on a marriage with. Problems will come up, and you need someone who will be able to work constructively on these issues with you.
• Warning sign: Does she use ultimatums to get her way?
Significance: Ultimatums are a sign that she cannot (or will not) or negotiate fairly for what she wants. This means that you'll have a difficult time reaching agreements with her on issues that come up. When someone uses ultimatums, what they're saying, in effect, is "I come first. What you think, feel, or want doesn't matter. I'm going to get what I want, even if I have to destroy our relationship to do it."
• Warning sign: Does she have credit problems or is she currently in debt? Has she been in debt often or continuously in the past?
Significance: A lack of credit-worthiness or a history of credit problems often indicates a low level of personal responsibility or accountability. It may also demonstrate an inability to fulfill their end of a contract....such as marriage.
• Warning sign: Is she unreasonably inhibited or prudish as regards sex or her sexuality?
Significance: Repressed sexuality often accompanies other, deeper psychological or personality problems. Repressed people are at much higher risk of having difficulties in other parts of their life, especially in interpersonal relationships.
• Warning sign: Has she ever withheld sex to punish you or to "get her way" about something?
Significance: This is childish and disturbing behavior in a relationship, and almost invariably gets worse after marriage. Be prepared to have this used against you with increasing frequency.
• Warning sign: Does she often harbor suspicions about her current friends and/or co-workers, and does she voice these suspicions?
Significance: These suspicions, which are usually groundless, will eventually turn towards you. This kind of behavior may stem from a Paranoid Personality Disorder.
• Warning sign: Does she try to structure your life so that she is the center of your existence?
Significance: Asking you to stop being involved in certain activities (typically activities she can't or won't participate in) is a way to isolate you and monopolize your time. She may also accomplish the same thing by "scheduling" every minute of your day, or by insisting that you participate in her activities to the exclusion of all of your pastimes.
• Warning sign: Is she used to "getting her way" by using her looks?
Significance: Some women who are used to getting by on looks may be emotionally shallow and insecure. They may also be unable to "pull their own weight" within the confines of a marriage. Be very careful, these women aren't used to working for what they have. They may in fact have an "entitlement" mentality.
• Warning sign: Does she pay an excessive amount of attention to makeup, clothing, or fashion?
Significance: Again, this may indicate an extreme shallowness of personality, if her concerns with superficial considerations like makeup and clothing are excessive.
• Warning sign: Does she often act impulsively, without thinking (or worrying) about the future or the consequences of her actions?
Significance: This is a bad sign, and one often goes hand-in-hand with credit problems. This one personality characteristic alone can be the cause of more trouble than you can imagine. People like this will do and/or say anything on the spur of the moment to get whatever it is they want at that moment, without regard to what happens next. Be very, very, careful.

warum, what can i say. excellent perspective. basically women without hpd can be like this and that in itself would lead to a sad, lonely life of drudgery, self doubt and depression for the person dealing with a woman like this.

but, when she is hpd it is a thousand times worse...

once again the only man that can deal with an hpd and spend time with her without going crazy is an aspd (because he can't feel) or an npd (who mananges to keep the control).

but, then again, on second thought...i don't even think an npd could handle this type of woman long term...when she goes from worshiping the npd to pulling this behaviour the npd suffers endless streams of narcisstic injury...

an avpd would stay around and be her emotional punching bag forever. the normal guy would lose himself, his sense of reality and his self-esteem too...

consensus once again...hpd's and aspd's are made for eachother...

Thanks for posting this. Very interesting.

A female friend asked me the other day why guys are attracted to HPD women. Just from my point of view and a close male friend, we think it's because they zero in on a guy's weaknesses and insecurities, then play on them. They make guys feel special and attractive and sexy. Because an HPD woman is often attractive, it is a huge ego boost.

In a superficial way, I believe guys are very attracted to the HPD woman at first. A lot depends on the guy who is attracted. If he desires substance and true intimacy, I don't believe he will likely find that with an HPD woman (depending, again). What attracted him at first may repulse him as time goes by and he sees her "outer beauty" marred by her "inner ugliness."

I've known several people, both men and women, who have strong HPD features. Their first impressions are right on, nobody does it better. Time is their enemy. The longer people are around them, the more people tire of them and their game playing. They get tired of the neediness and constant demands, not to mention the lack of responsibility of some HPDs.

"A female friend asked me the other day why guys are attracted to HPD women. Just from my point of view and a close male friend, we think it's because they zero in on a guy's weaknesses and insecurities, then play on them. They make guys feel special and attractive and sexy. Because an HPD woman is often attractive, it is a huge ego boost."

Yes, that is all true but a big part of the weakness of all normal males is the protect and provider instinct. HPD's mercilessly abuse this instinct to establish a false bond in their target.

"In a superficial way, I believe guys are very attracted to the HPD woman at first. A lot depends on the guy who is attracted. If he desires substance and true intimacy, I don't believe he will likely find that with an HPD woman (depending, again). What attracted him at first may repulse him as time goes by and he sees her "outer beauty" marred by her "inner ugliness."

Well this kind of happened with Tommy Lee Jone's character in Blue Sky but his character had decided long ago to love his HPD wife for her faults since the good moments were so good to him. It was clear his character desired true substance and intimacy and thought he got that in the good moments but his false reality was shattered time and again when she cheated on him. He remained with her though. Probably the common marital defeatist mindset of I've been with so and so this long it'd be a total waste of my life to throw it all away with divorce now.

Yes, a lot of us guys fall for the girl described. Some of us will do anything to be around an attractive girl. The girls know their power over us and get us hooked. A good looking girl can always find someone to put up with them for a while.
James

soulsearch wrote:warum, what can i say. excellent perspective. basically women without hpd can be like this and that in itself would lead to a sad, lonely life of drudgery, self doubt and depression for the person dealing with a woman like this.

but, when she is hpd it is a thousand times worse...

once again the only man that can deal with an hpd and spend time with her without going crazy is an aspd (because he can't feel) or an npd (who mananges to keep the control).

but, then again, on second thought...i don't even think an npd could handle this type of woman long term...when she goes from worshiping the npd to pulling this behaviour the npd suffers endless streams of narcisstic injury...

an avpd would stay around and be her emotional punching bag forever. the normal guy would lose himself, his sense of reality and his self-esteem too...

consensus once again...hpd's and aspd's are made for eachother...

My AvPD/SPD grandfather married an HPD. They've been that way for 50 years flat.

My AvPD/SPD grandfather married an HPD. They've been that way for 50 years flat.

yeah, it can happen...of course. but, not without considerable pain.

my npd/avpd dad is still married to my passive aggressive hpd/waif borderline mom...for just over 35 years. sparing the details, at times my family life resembled a horror movie and myself and my siblings went through hell.

i didn't really want to get into this on this forum. the reason i am here is to learn and now maybe be able to assist those who have fallen for an hpd...which is why i stumbled upon this place...

being with anyone with a pd is not advisable. relationships between normal people who are non-pd is hard. but, when one or both parties have pd's it is not fun...at times it is like a bomb going off.

for long term i would not recommend it, especially if there are kids involved.

bump

Furthermore, we have to remember that 20 or 30 years ago it was not so common for people to have divorces. So they normally would keep together even though life could be like hell.

For example an HPD wife would have it more difficult to be unfaitfull. She would end up just being depressed and miserable all the time, because she couldn't develop her "full potential" to hurt the husband.

It is also truth that, by those days, PD's, Depression, etc. were not so known as thay are today. Imagine if today a man still has lots of problems to explain his friends why he broke-up with this "aparently" loving wife (and the oposite also happens), how would it be back then?

Yesterday someone posted a link to a site wich talked that nowadays women tend to be so unfaitfull as men. I think that there is a undercover problem there...

...Because 30 years ago, men had "more reasons" to be unfaitfull, because divorce was not well seen on the comunity, men would prefer to "search" fullfilment outside the unhappy marriage, and to maintain it at the same time. Women just didn't do it so often because it was more difficult for them to do it...

I think that today there is no reason for men or women to be unfaitfull. We live on another era. Nowone is obligated to be with nowone. So unfaitfullness is really a coward act, of someone who doesn't have the honesty to break-up, or the courage to resist to his own impulses.

ps: I'm not religiuos. I'm an atheist!

i had the biggest realisation today, after a friend asked me if i was histrionic! i didnt even know what it was, until i started googling and reading up on it. Now i am convinced.

So all this time of wondering why i was like that! i finally see a reason.

There is help out there right?!!!