through the eyes of an hpd and those that admire them...

= yes thanks mylife- I appreciate it ! I feel better today-
I think because she said 'don't expect any further contact from me' I feel like I can never talk to her again without her possibly getting hostile...I don't know..that's the thing.

I forgive her since I can see she's just a scared human who deserves respect and love/etc. I never said anything like..you are ###$ UP..or you're a bitch or you suck.
But she got fed up with me I think for being demanding as far as - 1. hinting at my desire for open-ness and honesty and truth
2) wishing she'd be more emotionally expressive

Following KXs line-

Friends who've earned trust over a long period of time can see glimmers of the true self and emotions of the HPD though

The issue is ..who will stick around that long when you get treated so poorly? Only messed up disordered people generally..or else the HPD needs to at LEAST admit they have some issues. She had BARELY ever tipped her hand to say she had any 'issues'..1 comment about 'feeling empty' and one comment about 'her issues' but I never got any more data as to WHAT those issues are. So it's a catch 22- I feel trapped in limbo. I guess I hope she will wonder if she was too harsh and maybe miss me in some way...however since HPDs seem to kinda see everyone as equal-I don't know why she would -and her pride seems much larger than admitting she may have been 'wrong' or 'mean' .
-- anyways--
THANKS again for your input mylife it made my heart melt ---

and her pride seems much larger than admitting she may have been 'wrong' or 'mean' .

Is this a typical HPD trait- because they are a form of NPD ? Because my wife also never apologised- ever. The "apology" had to be dragged from her- and even then it was never genuine.

I too am not sure if anyone can be friends long enough to "earn trust". How exactly can one be trustworthy and stick with an untrustworthy person- masochism perhaps ?

Friends who've earned trust over a long period of time can see glimmers of the true self and emotions of the HPD though

This assumes that they do have a "true self". Unfortunately they do not. They are just empty. At least their HPD persona is interesting!...

My $0.02

As someone that suffers from what I guess is more of a borderline case, I did find this sentence so shocking I had to close my eyes after reading it.

“When the hpd marries it is to a heavily idealised figure or to a perpetually disappointing figure, with the ideal object still carried in the mind in countless daydreams every day.”

I now know my “type”. Tall dark and withholding. Since I NEED attention from the one I’m with, I can’t see why I would choose the withholding types as friends and lovers AND now a husband. But this sentence clears it up unfortunately. My only faith is that (I have come such a long way from how TOTALLY HPD , miss Dxd as BP) as I work this out I will be able to deeply connect and not just daydream about connecting. This on the other hand I dispute:

"the hpd uses foreplay as a series of touchings which are never meant to find release in genital fulfillment...rather in withdrawl and/or frustration. hpd bliss thrives on this sacrifice, as self and other - brought to the point of sexual engagement - withdraw from it in order to testify to a greater or higher love. wait...if you love me you will wait. in deferral is found true love."

I don’t use these tactics since maybe the age of 21 or 22. I think very young HPDs might be like this, and I feel most women tease their partner way too much and hold satisfaction over their heads. (we are taught to do this btw, think stupid books like “the rules”) I can relate to this in one context though. My spouse wants more total nudity and I hold back on that out of fear I guess? Since I’m not 21 anymore I don’t have the body I once did, but more than that I feel too exposed. I know this is a need for him, and I do sometimes feel that if he truly loved me or was attracted to me he would need that less so I would feel more comfortable. If anything my H teases me MUCH more. But I guess that’s one of the reasons I chose him, since in my mind the perfect mate is up for mating all of the time. (I also think men are forced to fake being hypersexual so as to be seen as “real men”) I guess I knew he had a lower drive, and by choosing someone with a conflicting drive I was CHOOSING to be dissatisfied, or constantly chasing him. As much as I hate it at times, it does keep me wanting him, yet I hate to be teased and it makes me feel that he doesn’t love me when he rejects me, or I guess it’s the fact that he can so easily say ‘no’ when other men seem to be so easily turned on. I know he feels objectified by my high drive, but some of that is natural right? Or is it all just linked back to getting attention? He says he thinks I’m ‘hypersexual’ and at times I am. But the problem is when I’m like that it’s like a beacon to other men to approach me with amorous attention. My gf says it’s like you can see this light around me or that I light up the room with “that vibe” and I’ve been accused of “exuding sex”,though I have learn to tone that down with appropriate dress and body language. Then I tend to resent him and think “These other guys are interested, but my HUSBAND isn’t!” And then you get the “You’ve got one lucky husband” from the low drive wives, and little do they know that neither of us think of ourselves as lucky since we have this dysfunction in the way of said happiness! ARAAAHHHHH!

I guess it depends on if the person has any type of professional analysis. I KNOW I have issues and admit that readily to friends and family. Though I’m only finding stuff on HPD, (I was miss Dxd as borderline/BPD and I always knew that I was not that bad off since I could control much of my life), I know it from reading about patterning and boundaries that I can see what I do that is dysfunctional and see where I have no boundaries and need to try to build them.

I identify with EVERYTHING on the write up I read on HPD, yet over the last 6 years I have been able to really make progress. Even before my dx I was willing to try and was “sorry” and freely apologized. Those apologies started to fall on dead ears when the patterns were repeated over and over. I also abstained from all substances for a 3 year period, that helped me keep level emotionally and physically and took away my crutch so I had to learn to cope somehow.


I can’t tell you how scary/great it is to find out about HPD! Now that I have this piece I feel I can REALLY work on my issues and stop “casting” people in to roles and love them for who they are instead. I’ve always felt that I strongly craved rejection yet it was my nemesis! As the picture gets clearer it seems that all that is needed is to stay in therapy, stay as sober as possible, and keep growing up and facing life as it comes at me. Funny, that advice was given to me years ago, glad I’m finally following it!

My gf says it’s like you can see this light around me or that I light up the room with “that vibe” and I’ve been accused of “exuding sex”

wow, your above statement really got to me. all i can say is - all hpd's are the same...at least in this aspect.

like joe dimaggio (husband of marilyn monroe) said..."it's not fun being married to a light bulb."

"wow, your above statement really got to me. all i can say is - all hpd's are the same...at least in this aspect. "

Yup, I guess so. Now I've learned to really tone it down and not even allow myself that guilty pleasure of dressing to the 9's and strutting my stuff. I happen to be very tall so it's really is a problem to keep a low profile, and I am very extrovert and this causes me problems as well. After reading all the HPD stuff it makes me want to tone it down even more. What next, stop using deodorant! LOL! J/K

The funny thing about me is that when I was young I was all dumpy and not cool at all. But I guess that, whatever it is still came through, but not to my peers. Adults would comment how I was going "to be a piece of work" someday, but I wasn't what my age guy/girls thought of as attractive. So I changed just about everything about myself and grew about 3 inches in a summer and then my whole life changed, but not for the better. It is such a burden to care about how you look! I was typically shy as a kid, but I was also very uninhibited about my body. It bothered other people, the way I wasn’t living up to my physical potential, but for the most part I did let it ruin my life. Then I found all the “love” and praise that came with being “the pretty girl”. My best friend said this when she saw a pic of me as a lumpy kid:

“Well THAT explains your personality”! I was like huh? And she said “Even though I know you like attention for your looks, at some point you were just you with out all the fanfare, and it shows when a person gets to know you.”

I was very touched to say the least. I think since I know what it feels like to be invisible to my peers I can slip back into that persona and focus on personality better. Then I tend to re-emerge sometimes with the obsessions about looks, but I’ve learned the hard way how fickle that type of love is. In fact the people that I’ve loved and valued the most in my life have been people that treated me with kindness and respect no matter what I looked like right then. The fair weather or looks people have been filtered out by my “dropping out” so to speak. There’s a movie about it, I didn’t see it all, but this guy meets this girl and she gives him a makeover and is only with him for what he appears to be now. You find that your true friends couldn’t care what you look like, and will be seen with you (without trying to prod you into conforming) anytime, anyplace, in any state of dress. I get bashed for not requiring friends of mine to conform to the “social norms”, but I know how bad it feels to be constantly under appraisal like some kind of pedigree dog, and when the show’s over what’s your prize? Best dog in show! Woof!

Sorry for the tirade, it such a huge part of what people assume about me that it gets me going every time! I can’t tell you how many people have voiced, to my face, that they assumed I’d be stuck-up or rude or lame or whatever, before I even shook their hand. We all make these little 1st time assessments of each other, but this celebrity obsessed world has turn everyone into paparazzi, just looking for the flaw so they can zoom in!

Good reading - thanks folks form the past!

Rockergirl-Thanks for bringing it to the front. I wonder if your personality disorder will allow the typo to remain.

thanks folks from the past. Or?

thanks, folks form the past.

Folks form the past. They sure do.

WOW! That's some pretty deep $#%^!!! I think I will stick with Al and his book. One thing about his book though, it says they seldom lie. But as we all know that's not true. What's up with that theory of his? Is there another better book out there?