The Investigation of a Lifetime

I have visited this site almost daily since I ended my relationship with my hpd approximately a month and a half ago and have found it very therapeutic. I thank everyone for their contributions. I actually wrote a fifteen page paper documenting my experience with my hpd, but decided to post a condensed version of it, because I did not want to bore everyone to death.

My hpd and I had a long distance relationship, which made her even more elusive and it took an extensive investigation of phone card records, e-mail accounts, and interrogation tactics to find out that my hpd had cheated on me with at least six other men during our two year relationship. The relationship I had with my hpd has played a vital role in me losing my job as a police officer, losing part of my innocence, and creating distance between myself and my friends and family. In fact, I had been supporting my retired parents for the past few years and they have moved out of my residence, because they do not ever want to have to go through another experience like this again.

After our break up, I fell into a deep depression, lost a lot of weight and never left my house. All I did was search the internet for answers. I never knew anything about personality disorders until I did a google search on several of her symptoms. I initially thought that she may have narcissistic pd, because she had an obsession with ideal love, and because she thought she was special with her physical illnesses and language skills, but people with npd usually deny being weak and sick. Then I thought she may have borderline pd, because she really feared abandonment, but she was usually not angry and never attempted suicide.

On the fifth day of my search I found out about hpd and how it's commonly comorbid with somatization disorder. She fit all the symptoms: She was charming, overly dramatic, seeked out attention and excitement, egocentric, flirtatious, manipulative, had a lack of empathy, obtained her identity from me, grossly overexagerated the level of intimacy in interpersonal relationships, was unloyal, and engaged in risky behavior.

After this cathartic revelation, I sent my hpd an e-mail telling her that I am no longer angry at her and no longer interested in her dishonesty and infidelity. I told her that I was 99.9% sure that she suffered from hpd and sent her links to a couple of websites (including this one) that discuss hpd in detail. I called her that same night to see if she was enlightened by any of the information I provided, but she did not answer her phone. It saddened me to know that I knew exactly what her problem was, yet was unable to do anything about it. I however, came to the realization that there is nothing I can do to help someone who does not want to be helped. If one day she does want my help I will certainly do what I can to support and encourage her, but I will never ever reach out to her again and never ever be sucked into any of her games. In fact, I think I know her better than she knows herself and could probably beat her at her game if I was evil enough to play it.

I have now almost fully recovered and I have gone back to doing the things that I used to enjoy before I met my hpd. I have also applied to various police agencies and hopefully I will get hired soon.

Here are some red flags
She had an overexagerated sense of intimacy- We had met on the internet on a match-making site and after less than a month of speaking to her, she began calling me honey and began telling me that she loved me. I found it kind of strange, but I also just thought that she was just special due to her upbringing. She claimed to have come from a very loving family and claimed to have never seen her parents argue (which may have been true, because she lived apart from her mother for most of her life or may have just been one of many of her lies). She went on to say that her mother taught her to give her love first, instead of just expecting to be loved.

I also found out from a telephone conversation that I had with one of the guys she cheated on me with that she asked him to be her boyfriend after meeting him for the first time. Although she did not have sex with him, she ended up sleeping on the same bed with him and kissing him.

She overly needed attention- My hpd rarely wore make-up, nor took long to get ready, but she would often tell me that all these guys were interested in her, and that guys would wink at her or smile at her while we were just walking down the street. When I gained access to her e-mail account (she gave me her password after I demanded it) I found out she had over 50 contacts, most of whom were male, along with over 50 inactive contacts. This is from someone who in the two years that I had known her had no real friends.

She commonly used physical illness (somatization disorder) to gain attention. On the two occasions I told her that we should break up (because she was so needy), she fainted on me. She also writhed in pain for several minutes one day after we cleaned the house together. She once told me and others that she had carpal tunnel syndrome and used it as an excuse to get me and one of her internet friends (who I later found out she cheated on me with) to do translation work for her.

She also told me that she was in and out of hospitals between the ages of 3 and 10 and that she had a rare blood disease, known as Glanzmann's Thromblasthenia. She told me that her blood disorder (which reduces her blood's ability to clot) could prevent her from having children one day. This was the hugest blow to me as my greatest wish in life is to have a family. Despite this, I still wanted to get married to her because I loved her so much. She also told me that she had a benign tumor in her womb, would often complain of lower back pain, and would periodically have severe headaches. She further told me that her intestines were twisted when she was a child and as a result had to have surgery.

After one of our biggest arguments, she and I stopped speaking to eachother for two and a half weeks. She finally called and told me that she was in Portland for an internship, and that she had spent a week in a hospital, because of the stress caused by our argument. I later found out that she never was hospitalized and instead spent five days with a guy she met online.

She was overly dramatic- My hpd was always overly dramatic, but I'll provide you with one example that sticks out in my mind. We went on a ride called the Hollywood Towers at California Adventures amusement park, and I must admit it was the scariest ride that I've been on, but while she was riding it she grabbed me with one hand and grabbed the guy sitting on the other side of her with her other hand and began crying hysterically. She continued to cry hysterically long after the ride had ended and dropped down and sat on the ground.

She had also lived with my parents and I for a month and my parents disliked everything about her, but the thing that bothered them most was the fact that she was overly dramatic. They interpreted this as her being fake and felt that she could not be trusted.

She was extremely needy- I was extremely lovey dovey with my hpd, I spoke to her on the phone everyday throughout the two years that we were together for at least four hours a day, I bought her plane tickets, took her to the finest restaurants, took her to the nicest resorts, bought her the most extravagant gifts, and she still constantly needed more excitement and more material pleasures.

She was a walking contradiction- She claimed to be like a sunflower. She said that just like the sunflower lives it's whole life absorbing the sun's rays, she claimed to only love and know the person she falls in love with. She was abnormaly enamored with love and as such would talk about it all the time and read books about love. This is the same person who cheated on me with at least six other guys. She claimed to have high morals and standards, but her actions proved to be the direct opposite. She looked and acted like the most innocent person on Earth, but she would often do and say things that didn't match up with that image. She would often wear short mini shirts and tops that showed her belly button (which in our Asian culture was thought to be somewhat risque). She also mentioned that she wanted to get a tattoo or a nose job. She would always complain about not having any money, yet would have no problem buying a $500 pair of sunglasses, a $500 cellphone, or anything else extravagent.

She would lie and deny everything- At times I doubted some of her stories, but there was no way to prove that she was lying. Towards the end of our relationship however, she told me a lie which I could prove with a 100% certainty was a lie. She sent me a love letter via e-mail that I immediately recognized as not being authored by her, because it was not written in her style and her English was mediocre, but this letter had been perfectly written. It didn't really matter to me, because people use other people's work all the time to express their feelings, but I questioned her about it just to see if she could be honest with me. She told me that she had not copied any portion of the letter and denied it to the very end, even after I showed her the original document that I found on the internet. After denial after denial I asked her to turn on her webcam and show me the letter which she claimed to have a hardcopy of. She agreed and then placed me on hold. Not once did she ever put me on hold in the two years we were together. I hung up the phone and called her back and she finally picked up 15 minutes later. I got furious and told her that I wanted to be put on webcam so that I can make sure she was not producing a copy from her computer. She then gave me a ridiculous excuse of having to go pick up her laundry. She also denied ever putting me on hold. She claimed to have laid the phone down on her bed, even though it was obvious that I was placed on hold with the periodic beeps that her phone emitted. She became angry herself and told me that she could not believe how I was acting. She finally put me on webcam and showed me a prestine white piece of paper that had been folded up several times and crumpled to make it look like the 6-7 year old document she claimed it was. I didn't have to be a cop to know that this document was just printed on a fresh piece of paper. It was at this point that I knew she had a severe problem.

She also of course lied and denied that she ever cheated on me. And when she did finally admit to being unfaithful, she blamed me for making her cheat. This was coming from the same person who always told me I was perfect for her and that she wanted to marry me and have my baby.

She also would tell lies for no apparent benefit. One of the guys she cheated on me with told me that she told him that she couldn't speak Korean, even though that was her native language.

She was basically a child in a woman's body- She had a child-like exuberance. She was always giddy, and did things children like to do, such as jump up and try to grab the leaves off of a tree. Her voice was even child-like, until she got angry of course.

She really didn't care about who I was- During the "getting to know each other" period at the beginning of our relationship, my hpd had no desire to get to know who I was. I was a good-looking, well-educated, successful guy with great character, yet she did not seem the least bit interested. She would tell me that she only cared about how much I loved her. It now all makes sense to me, but at the time I just admired her for not being superficial.

She takes people's identities- After our break-up I found her profile on three different match-making sites and all three had word for word quotes that I had told her. For example, she was an animal lover and I told her that I didn't like animals much, but if I had to be one I would be a bird, because flying would be awesome. She told me that she hated birds yet she put that exact quote in her profile. This was just one of several quotes that she stole from me.

She also professed to me how much she loved reading, just as her father loved reading. She had once recommended that I read the Da Vinci Code, and although I did not enjoy reading, I found the book to be quite entertaining. As such, I sent her a copy about a year ago and when I asked her how she liked the book, she told me that she had not read it yet. I really do not think she was ever interested in reading so much as she pretended to be interested in reading. One of the hpd sites I went on stated that people who have hpd also commonly engage in dilletantism- faking interest in art and literature.

She had an empty stare- I visited my hpd in Canada and her neediness became so unbeareable, I told her that I was going to leave early and fly back to California. She looked at me with the most bizare blank stare I had ever seen and then started to cry. She continued to cry (without going hysterical as she normally did when she cried), and began repeating the words, "don't leave." I never could explain this empty look on her face until I came to this site and discovered that many people with hpd partners had experienced the exact same thing.

She had grandiose ideas- She told me that she wanted to be a college professor one day, or run her own translation company. This seemed unreasonable for several reasons: She was 26 years-old going to what I found out was a community college (she told me that she was going to a prestigious University); she constantly changed her major; her English was subpar, so there was no way that she could translate anything or teach in the US; and throughout the two years we were together, she held one job for maybe two months and then quit, because she magically developed carpal tunnel syndrome.

She used alot of projection- She once cried just because one of her classmates got a better score than her on a test. She said that she had given him her notes from all the lectures that he missed, because he had told her that he was sick. She said that she found out that he was faking being sick and was really angered by it. This is not something I can confirm, but it sounds totally like something she would do, as opposed to being a victim. I also once found some porn on her computer and she told me it was her former roommate's porn. I just took her word for it at the time, but seeing how people with hpd are sexually repressed, I can totally picture her watching porn. She also told my mom that she lent her former roommate $3000 and that her roommate never returned the money, but this is also something I can see my hpd doing.

Some points of interest
Possible causes- I'm not sure what causes hpd, but I think that it stems from both biological and environmental factors. My hpd told me that she lived apart from her mother since the age of 3. She also said that she was in and out of hospitals between the ages of 3 and 10. I think that the lack of a mother (from what I have read a person's mother is who you get most of your personality from) and the fact that she got attention when she was ill, caused her to develop hpd and somatization disorder.

This is only speculation as I have never met my hpd's mother before, but I feel that my hpd's mother may also suffer from hpd or have hpd traits. My hpd would always tell me that her mother was even more charming and child-like than she was, which was hard to believe because I couldn't imagine a person being more charming or child-like than my hpd. Plus during the two years that I was with my hpd, she told me that her mother was suffering from diabetes, got struck by a car, and on the day I broke up with her she called me an hour later and told me that her mother might have cancer. She started crying hysterically and telling me that she was getting punished for all the wrong she did to me. Several months earlier she also told me that her grandmother developed dementia, which makes me believe mental illness runs in her family. I don't know if my hpd was making up all of her mother's physical problems for attention or if her mother did really suffer from them, but most experts seem to share the opinion that hpd is both hereditary and a product of childhood truama/neglect.

I also think that my hpd may have been sexually abused as she once told me that an old man who went to her church tried to molest her when she was a child. This again is only pure speculation, but I feel that this may not have been an attempt but an actual molestation. I also believe that the old man she was referring to may have been her grandfather. I say this because she always spoke glowingly about every member of her family but referred to her grandfather as being a horrible man.

She also did not enjoy receiving oral sex (unlike most other women) and she also always complained of pain when I inserted a finger (even my pinky) into her vagina.

Excuses given for failed relationships- My hpd claimed to have only had two boyfriend's prior to being with me. She said that both of her ex-boyfriends broke up with her, because their mothers disapproved of her. I'm not sure if this is true or if it's just another one of her lies, but I'm guessing that she is just using their mother's as scapegoats, because of her internal resentment towards the mother figure. What are your thoughts?

Targeted victims- I think that I may have been a target of my hpd, because I naturally have a caretaker personality, although I'm sure that she also got some pleasure from sharing the perceived status I had as a police officer. It should also be noted that my hpd met all the guys that she cheated on me with through the internet, saw them in person for only a few days, and they were all college students between the ages of 21-23. I think that she also hand picked these guys as her secondary targets, because they were young and easier to manipulate.

One parting question for some peace of mind
Although I am not religious, I had always held the belief that you should only have sex with a person you are truly in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with. I also wished to share my first sexual experience with someone who held this same belief. As such, I decided to lose my virginity to my hpd as I was deeply in love with her and because she told me that she was also a virgin. I truly believe that she was a virgin at the time, because she was so tight it felt as if I was tearing her inside. I now somewhat question her virginity, because hpd's are known to be highly sexual. Based on your experiences do all hpd's sleep around? Or are hpd's who use illness for attention less sexually active? I'm sure you'll find it hard to believe that my hpd was a virgin, but keep in mind that she had just turned 24 years-old at the time and did come from a conservative cultural background. I know that this shouldn't be that important to me, but because it was something I placed a high value on, it continues to trouble me.

note: one thing that was unusual about our first time was the fact that we had sex while she was on her period. Any thoughts on why she would want to have sex on her period?

Hello Lone Ranger- sorry to hear your story...I can relate w/parts of it for sure.

I wanted to respond to your 2 questions. I am a female who was briefly involved w/a female whom I believe was HPD or at least a clusterB w/heavy HPD symptoms.

1)the ex I know had from day 1 some sort of health issues. I also heard on 2nd or 3rd phone call with her the family health status on cancer/dementia/etc. At first I found it depressing but thought, gosh I am so blessed to have good health and my family/etc. I felt bad for her but was also thinking..er-what does this have to do with 'us' now?

So, the 'issues' didn't stop. It became one thing after another w/her. Healthwise she was a walking bundle of potential excuses. That is how I came to see it. It has been proven and I believe Hypochondriosis forum will show you about that- but if a person thinks enough deeply ingrained negative thoughts actual illness can manifest. 'worried sick'..etc.

I found it very sad and could early on see that she's burying issues of some sort deep beneath and it's impacting her. Hence I wanted to then 'save her'. It's the way she pulled it off though that began to irritate me since she never considered my feelings or felt any need to explain herself or say..gee, I'm sorry I'm not feeling well or I'm sorry I bla bla bla-it seemed that she's resigned to the self -image of sickly victim and doesnt' think she has any way of making herself better.

I felt that many of these aches, illnesses, pains were kept floating about so that she could at any time pull out a sad story or an illness or pain from an old car accident etc. I saw that when I would sometimes try and ask her direct emotional or behaviour related questions, she'd prattle off the litany of 'bad $#%^' she's been thru and I was then supposed to feel like crap for being so hard on her I guess.

I really don't think she was promiscuous since I see her as more depressed and tired. The weakness of body and tired-ness and illness and television shows seems to be what she was most consumed with. I really don't know what she 'likes to do for fun' since there was always some sort of 'problem' that was in the way it seemed. She did have fellows at work (married) whom I am sure she has wrapped around her finger..but I can't imagine her sleeping w/them since they're kinda sub-par. However, her sexuality is fluid..she doesn't know herself so I think for now she's gay, but she may be back w/men now for all I know. Men are more dangerous to piss off...women are smarter as far as knowing what it's like to be a woman and how much is #######4..but they aren't usually as dangerous or intimidating physically if say you tease them and lead them on, ###$ with their heartstrings then take the rug out from under them. I think she's been there from some of the odd old ex relationship stories I heard from her.

I feel that she had sex with me so I wouldn't leave, but then when she had me - she didn't know what to do w/me. I was too real. I wasn't shallow and clueless. She couldn't control me. I wasn't going to feed into her game. I had healthy nice friends who were my equals. She had a few friends whom she controlled, persons beneath her mentally, physical appearance-wise, and socially kinda inept. The best pal is a virtual slave to her, a classic codependent. She said this person was 'like a sister ' to her, but it seemed much more dependent and unhealthy to me. A healthy person doesn't take $#%^ over and over and keep coming back for more. B4 we 'dated' I had asked if she was in love w/her friend because it seemed like way closer than a normal friendship. She said no because 1) she's (the other one) in a relationship 2)she's a friend like a sister to her and she doesn't sleep w/her friends. OK. whatever. Well then break away from her then-I never had a chance to get between that setup.

So, I think mainly she needed to reel people in just far enough, and then used the illness as a way to keep people at a safe distance when they tried to get too close and look beneath the mask.

So LoneRanger- I would say that no, not all HPDs are super promiscous, but if they aren't then they're likely using their body in some other way to get attention(sickness).

2) as far as the 'period' thing..that is well, personally I would rather wait to be not 'on my period' to have sex w/someone esp. for the 1st time. It isn't the 'safest' re: AIDS..etc., and it isn't usually when a woman is feelilng best in that area of the body. She sounds very disordered, so that little feature seems insignificant. She may have sensed that you were about to leave and that happened to be the time she felt she needed to get you to stay. Or maybe she felt that she wanted to humiliate you and possibly 'gross you out' by having to shag a woman who's bleeding so you would prove your love..and not say no. ?

=== the end ===
Either way..be glad you're outta there. -

One parting question for some peace of mind

Although I am not religious, I had always held the belief that you should only have sex with a person you are truly in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with. I also wished to share my first sexual experience with someone who held this same belief. As such, I decided to lose my virginity to my hpd as I was deeply in love with her and because she told me that she was also a virgin. I truly believe that she was a virgin at the time, because she was so tight it felt as if I was tearing her inside. I now somewhat question her virginity, because hpd's are known to be highly sexual. Based on your experiences do all hpd's sleep around? Or are hpd's who use illness for attention less sexually active? I'm sure you'll find it hard to believe that my hpd was a virgin, but keep in mind that she had just turned 24 years-old at the time and did come from a conservative cultural background. I know that this shouldn't be that important to me, but because it was something I placed a high value on, it continues to trouble me.

note: one thing that was unusual about our first time was the fact that we had sex while she was on her period. Any thoughts on why she would want to have sex on her period?

i believe quite possibly that you could have been her first as well. i have started reading a book called hysteria by christopher bollas. it is a very heavy, heady, ph-d style read. but, for those who want to get a really in-depth view of hpd from a psycho-analysts prespective this book is fantastic. i have come to realize that the sexual represssion inside the core of the hpd is a lot more powerful than i had previously imagined. bollas believes that the core genital based sexuality of the hpd is almost completely repressed before the age of three because of 'lack of mother' and replaced by the body as primary object in an auto-erotic style to be presented to the world almost like an illuminated christmas tree to create a theatrical, pleasing effect to the world. therefore much of what is percieved as sexual desire is actually the complete opposite. here are some quotes from the book. i will add more quotes on a seperate thread - as i find more interesting pieces. --->

"adult hyterics are tempted to abandon sexuality because it is 'too complicated'. one patient ended all her sexual encounters with men or women after several months. 'sexuality makes things too complicated between us.'"

"adult hysterics, seem skilful narrators of their lives. but for them sexual representation and narrative are strangely at odds with each other. when describing a non-sexual situation they may act in sexually suggestive ways, through gestures and illocutionary acts. but, when addressing sexual life they often do so in an indifferent tone of voice. if the hpd giggles seductively whilst describing a mundane daily task, it is an invitation for the analyst to invade the patient's inner world with a question. if the question is asked the patient will retreat, showing the analyst what will happen if one pursues the other."

there seems to be a huge focus on engaging and then pushing away those who are engaged. it is almost like they are simply acting on a stage to get reactions because this is the behaviour that may have been awarded when they were children. the mother is believed to have rejected the physical part of the child and rewarded theatrics.

Hey Loneranger- I too am from Asia and had similar experiences the problems with my parents and relatives have still not gone away- worse I was married to her( HPD/ASPD) and that made things much much worse...

4 months after the event, I am still screwed up and seeing a shrink..

Ah well- just so you know- you are not alone..