Adult survivor of HPD parent

Wow, I'm glad I found this forum. I'm 51 and trying to come to terms with dealing with a mother that is/was/has HPD. Growing up with her for both my brother and I was a nightmare. Mother could be the dictionary definition of HPD. My father was emotionally withdrawn making him the perfect textbook mate for her.
She grew up in a home where both her mother and brother were hospitalized for schizophrenia. I'm don't know much about her dad but she constantly fought with him over bizzare things as when he went out and bought a car....she carried on about that for yrs. She would cut up my brothers clothes, chase me around the house with a knife for asking a simple question. She bullied my father who then turned the off switch in his head making him unreachable. She ruined all family relationships for my brother and I. She was always mad at everyone and I had to wait to be an adult to rebuild these relationship. Of course most found her darling and charming at first until she got under ones skin and you had to back off from her. OK, the problem now is I hate the woman with a passion...you know, the kind of hate that will wake you up at 3am and keep you up thinking about things she did when you were a kid. I could never resolve anything with her as she saw that she did nothing wrong to anyone. I did call her out on her "forever" illnesses a couple a wks ago and she hasn't bother me since. Now that she is in her 80s, I know it is time for ME to reslove my feeling. Hating someone 1200 miles away at 3am doesn't really hurt anyone but me at this point but I don't want to have to play into her. I need support and help from others that grew up like I did

Look, nobody is going to agree with me, but ###$ it. You need to take one monumental act of revenge upon her, then forget her. The act of revenge is only token, theres no way you could summ up all of those years of torment in one misdeed. The purpose of the revenge is to condition you for the imminent discarding of that hag forever. Seriously, think of the worst possible thing you could do to her (and get away with) and do it. Let her, and only her know, and make sure it can never get back to you. When she 'dobs' on you, make her look like a senile idiot with a decent allaby. That should give you all of the satisfaction you need to then take steps to forget her forever. First, cut off all contact. Next, stop talking about her completely. Then go and be happy. As soon as you are used to being happy. Not having empathy myself, I have no specific advice on how to stop caring if you still do at this point.

Another thing you could do is make sure you are the one who kills her. This is something I always swore I would do for my stepmother until I stopped caring about her. However, if you can't stop caring, maybe you should think about it. I'm not talking about anything illegal (unless you are ) but instead just being the one to 'pull her plug' if and when the tiime comes. Imagine the relief you will feel as those pins slide out of that socket... ahhh. Then the consummating 'click' as it snaps out of the socket altogether, ending her miserable miserable life. I almost wish I was still planning on doing it myself (Not caring is so much better than living for revenge. Well...not better than the moment of revenge, but on the whole much better compared to x-deacades in smouldering rage).

[quote="digital.noface"]Look, nobody is going to agree with me, but ###$ it. You need to take one monumental act of revenge upon her, then forget her. The act of revenge is only token, theres no way you could summ up all of those years of torment in one misdeed. The purpose of the revenge is to condition you for the imminent discarding of that hag forever.


Interesting view and I can relate. It's hard to cut off someone that is as emotional as she is. I suppose I could change my phone # so she couldnt call. The last time I cut her off for 2 yrs she had the friggen balls to call my father in law to tell him "She was very sick" He in turn called me to tell me "Your mother is very sick" Sick my ass, she had a back pain that miraculously healed when I called her. I suppose my last revenge was her last call when she told me how sick she was. She does have pulmonary problems from chain smoking but that was her own doing and I told her so. I also brought up how I remember her always being such a sickly person and gee, weren't you ALWAY running to the Doc when we were kids.haha. I mentioned the many many miles she had gotten out of a lump in her breast she has had since I was in high school...that was over 30 yrs ago and she still runs to the Dr to get it checked...her Dr loves her of course. That did leave her speechless enough not to call me for over 3 wks now Yeaaaaaaaaa. I think, perhaps the more I dish here, the better I will feel and will finally be able to bury the witch once and for all. Right now I feel a great need to obsess about her.
PS as bad as my life was, I was able to raise 2 of the coolset kids into adult hood

See, mistreating scumbags feels good, doesn't it? Do it more, and to a further degree. You'll get to like it.

EDITED BY ADMIN: User was banned for advocating violence against others.

I've always thought of murder as the ultimate misdeed. Rationally, it should pay off like no other act of revenge. Unfortunately (or not) I have never had the inclination, oppurtunity, or balls to do it. Interesting to theorise upon though[/b]

digital.noface wrote:See, mistreating scumbags feels good, doesn't it? Do it more, and to a further degree. You'll get to like it.

I've always thought of murder as the ultimate misdeed. Rationally, it should pay off like no other act of revenge. Unfortunately (or not) I have never had the inclination, oppurtunity, or balls to do it. Interesting to theorise upon though.

EDITED BY ADMIN

Just telling her if she nails me on a phone call "Look, I'm not putting up with your histrionics today" should set her off the wall.
I wish she would just leave me alone. I know this sounds awful and I really don't give a crap if it does but the reason I keep any contact with her at all my inheritance. My Bro and I deserve it after what she put us through.

EDITED BY ADMIN: USER BANNED FOR ADVOCATING VIOLENCE

mousey wrote: Sigh...she would come back and haunt me if I murdered her. Just telling her if she nails me on a phone call "Look, I'm not putting up with your histrionics today" should set her off the wall.
I wish she would just leave me alone. I know this sounds awful and I really don't give a crap if it does but the reason I keep any contact with her at all my inheritance. My Bro and I deserve it after what she put us through.

Sounds reasonable, is she rich?

digital.noface wrote:

mousey wrote: Sigh...she would come back and haunt me if I murdered her. Just telling her if she nails me on a phone call "Look, I'm not putting up with your histrionics today" should set her off the wall.
I wish she would just leave me alone. I know this sounds awful and I really don't give a crap if it does but the reason I keep any contact with her at all my inheritance. My Bro and I deserve it after what she put us through.

Sounds reasonable, is she rich?

sweetie, my parents have the first dime they ever made plus a 2 bed/2 bath co-op in NY. Reason enough to be nice but it's so hard

[>snipe off the long part< Isn't it weird to consider yourself incapable of rape, but capable of murder?[/quote]


I don't think so....I wouldnt think twice about murdering someone that hurt one of my kids.

mousey, I went through a period of rage with someone from my childhood as well. I don't think he hurt me as badly as your mother did you and your brother, and thankfully he isn't part of my life. I also have an ex who did me very, very wrong and I struggled with that as well. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. We are only angry because of another emotion (fear, hurt, confusion, helplessness, etc.). You have to dig down and find that feeling that is resulting in anger and deal with it in order to conquer your fury. Anger protects you from the depth of those wounds, but you must tend to them in order to let the anger go.

In the meantime... I have a very vivid imagination, so I often envisioned bludgeoning or killing my ex (a rocket launcher into his chest, cutting off his private parts with a dirty blade, a machete splitting his skull, punching him repeatedly, etc.). Visualization helps.

Keeping those people out of my life has helped immensely. I strongly suggest you do the same as no amount of money is worth your sanity. You don't even have to rage at her... just tell her that she is mentally unstable and aging poorly... being calm and aloof when you insult someone seems to drive the knife in deeper. If she insults you back, just nonchalantly blame her for whatever flaw she accuses you of having.

Run, take up kickboxing, or do yoga.. you're right that this anger is hurting you (both physically and emotionally). You can sort through it in time, but in the meantime take care of yourself otherwise. The exertion will increase endorphin production and other "happy" chemicals that will counter the anger to a degree, so that's another benefit.

If you are religious, pray for them. I know it sounds ridiculous, but when I was the most angry and in pain, praying that they would never hurt someone like they'd hurt me or praying that God would hold a mirror to their face helped me some. It is partly a "letting go" of the control over the situation (and of course any control over someone else's actions is simply an illusion). Letting go and "giving it to God" made me feel a little lighter.

Definitely consider therapy. You suffered abuse as a child, and you need the tools that a good professional can give you. The anger is just a way of cauterizing the wound that she continues to pick at. Don't be afraid to tell those to whom SHE reaches out to get at you that she was abusive... those are strong words, but they apply in your case. Tell everyone that she was a "Mommy Dearest" (see the film if you haven't) and that on the outside she wore a mask to hide the horror she visited upon her children.

And finally... truly realizing--knowing deep inside myself--that living through these toxic people makes me strong is where I ended up. And shedding the shackles and chains they put on me, I am only heading toward a better place within myself. One cell in my body is brighter and better than the sum of their parts. That is true of you as well... in time I hope it will be enough to rise above her abuse.