Why am I thinking too much about this? When I don't want to.

Okay, I really didn't want to post because I feel like I'm prolonging everything. But I feel someone might help me get this woman out of my head. I've managed to stop thinking of her as a potential mate, but I still feel there is some aspect of her which controls me.

In the beginning, she started working at my company, and there was an obvious attraction. She is drop dead gorgeous. Was well aware of her effect on men and was not very shy about being the center of attention, always energetic, related well to everybody, and dressed very provocatively.

She always seemed to find common interest with other individual. She is about as shallow as they come. She is not very deep at all. She can talk about her going to a halloween party but cannot share anything meaningful about herself. For example, she might say something about her father's wife being a big problem, but provide very little details. Another thing is the outright lying. She'll watch a movie and make one of the scenes as part of reality. She is classic HPD, but I think extremely hardcore. She also exhibits signs of other PD's which I will describe later.

She latched on to me immediately, but never fully because she had a boyfriend. Whenever I pursued her, she would always push away. Although, she gave me all the signs she was interested. Body language, suggestive e-mails and telephone conversations. She showed strong jealous tendancies and expected me to treat her like a girlfriend. Even though I couldn't get her to go out with me too often. I would ask her why she would lead me on and her response was because she liked to see me squirm.

Finally, it got to the point where I became justifiably fed up and told her I've had enough, and I wasn't going to treat her so special. Her reaction really sent chills down my spine. It was a simple short phone conversation, but the tone she gave off was very different. She wasn't loud or angry, but very very cold and unemotional. Very machine like. In a calm voice she asked me if she, "did something for me, would it make me happy today". This is what I don't understand because it runs counter to what you'd expect of an HPD.

Over time, I became exhausted, and decided after much prick teasing to cut off all contact. It lasted about a month. At which time, she contacted me to restore our friendship. We shared lunch and all she could talk about is how beautiful she was and how all the guys liked her. I was pretty critical of her and called her arrogant. Well, things starting dropping off between us. She started distancing herself as though to reject me. I'll be honest it bothers me because I don't necessarily see her as a potential mate but someone I could be friends with.

It seems as though she has some kind of master plan to lure me back in. I say this because when I deal with her I'm happy go lucky. I don't push anything and keep everything casual. I can be the coolest guy and appear not affected by her behavior at all. At times, when I do encounter her, there is an obvious uncomfortableness on her part.

But what bothers me is.... that I'm bothered by her at all. Maybe, it's because she is ever so slightly befriending some of my buddies who I have an inner circle with. She will act like I don't exist, but will then will get friendly with me. Also, when we e-mail each other. She responds rapidly to me, but will cut off the conversation abruptly. Am I being manipulated?

Lastly, one thing I noticed about her is when she first started her desk was clean and orderly, which coincided with her open personality. Now, her desk is in total chaos. Her work is backing up, and she is claiming to be bored at work. By what she says her money situation has deteriorated, and she has distanced herself from almost everybody. Although now, I'm probably the one she shies away from the most. She no longer dresses up. She seems out of control.

I want to be her friend, but am concerned I have been devalued by her and all my efforts would be futile. I'm not seeking a relationship with her, but I will admit I do enjoy her visits and talking to her. It would bother me if we weren't "hanging out".

Lately, it seems as though I'm making all the effort and I don't want to be caught giving her any kind of satisfaction. My probelm is I'm having extreme difficulty shaking her out of my head and want to know how one does it. Especially when the chances of encountering her on a daily basis are high. Any advice.

Thanks everybody.

Anyguy,

You've got to understand: she doesn't want to be your friend, so why bother thinking about her in that way?

In plain terms, these women base their self-worth on how much attention they can get from men. Any man. You are nothing special to her, and never have been. Their game consists of getting you interested, but once you are, the fun is over for them, so they seek that thrill somewhere else.

I also don't think you're being that honest here. If all you want to be is a friend to her, what do you care if she seems to be distancing herself from you lately? You can be friends with anybody else if you put your mind to it. Or does the fact she's drop-dead gorgeous have something to do with it? If she were always sweaty and weighed 235 pounds, how you would you feel then? This is an important point. Think about it.

Sure it's hard to feel you've been let down, but really: think of how much hell your life would be right now if you had had a sexual relationship with her. You'd be even more hooked on her than you are now.

You probably somehow recognise that you made a big mistake falling for her attempt at re-establishing this so-called "friendship" after a month of no contact.

There is no formula for getting someone out of your head beyond patiently allowing for the passage of time. What will definitely help though, is not seeing her. No contact = no lies, and above all, no manipulation. You actually had to ask if you were being manipulated?

I realise this might be difficult, considering she is a colleague, but with a little creativity you might be able to pull it off. On the other hand, by the way you describe her work habits lately, your boss might soon solve your problem for you and fire her.

excellent advice!!!!!She sounds alittle bipolar or maybe Bpd, NPD combo.

the change in moods, manipulation, dress, cleanliness changes etc.

she is feeding her own needs, don't fall into the bpd dance.

She's HDP, but when she loses control or is overwhelmed by "circumstances, look out! It sounds like narcissitic issues come to the fore.

Thanks everyone for your views...

Let me provide additonal insight, which could be helpful

Juswundrin

[quote]You've got to understand: she doesn't want to be your friend, so why bother thinking about her in that way? [/quote]

I kind of understand what your saying here. Are you saying she can't be my friend in the traditional sense? Where there is the give in take in the friendship. I've noticed she is does try to manipulate me by stirring up my sympathies. However, often times I don't see her until there is a need, whether it be for attention or something else. Lately, she has been playing this total disappering act on me. If she's in my area she is discrete, etc. What gives? I don't even make any effort to contact her on my part. So, why all the tip toeing around?

I also don't think you're being that honest here. If all you want to be is a friend to her, what do you care if she seems to be distancing herself from you lately?

I am being honest when I say I just want to be her friend. But remember I have an ego and the distancing part does affect my self esteem. To be even more honest. I enjoyed her attention, too. Who doesn't enjoy being made special? However, unreal it was?
I do know those feelings I had when I met her have all but diminished. It's just that I don't want the associated bad blood between us and I do still want to have a social relationship with her where we can enjoy some together.

You probably somehow recognise that you made a big mistake falling for her attempt at re-establishing this so-called "friendship" after a month of no contact.

Without a doubt.

Ddeehopes

She sounds alittle bipolar or maybe Bpd, NPD combo.

I recognize the HPD in her, but the one element missing is the dramatics. She is very cool and doesn't show much emotion. Although, I've seen her get angry and it ain't pretty. In general, she seems to keep everything under wraps. It's as though she has created a game plan and watching it unfold. I never really considered bipolar or BPD. Very interesting.

Orson

She's HDP, but when she loses control or is overwhelmed by "circumstances, look out! It sounds like narcissitic issues come to the fore.

Right now I think she is overwhelmed by events in her personal life. What they are I have no idea because she seems to put up a wall around herself. The girl is strange. That's all that I can say.


[/quote]

Anyguy,

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. She doesn't want to be your friend in the traditional sense. If you're friends with someone, do you usually lead them on, then tell them, "I like to see you squirm?" How ###$ is that?

Truth is, these people are very skilled in getting you to like them, but they don't know how to be real friends with real give and take.

Maybe saying you weren't being honest was off the mark and you do indeed want to be her friend. But you've got to seriously examine your motivations for that if, on the one hand, you describe this woman as being classic hpd, seriously hardcore, manipulative, that you have to sit and listen to her go on and on about how all the guys like her, etc etc.

Are these criteria you normally look for in a person before you decide to be friends with them? If so, the problem is yours.

Maybe you consider yourself to be some knight in shining armour who will rescue this woman from her own problems? And that you'll get a payback somehow from that?

Have you taken the time to do a *thorough* read-through of ALL the posts on this forum, AND on the NPD forum? If not, do so.

Just make sure you're wearing a decent helmet, because after marvelling at the train wrecks these women have not only made of their own lives, but have provoked in the lives of some of those who got too close to them, you're going to be slapping your head and saying, "What was I thinking?"

Juswundrin,

Thanks for your perspective. It has been helpful in assessing my situation.

Are these criteria you normally look for in a person before you decide to be friends with them? If so, the problem is yours.

Of course not, if your seeking a relationship. However, your comments have caused me to reconsider what I really want from her. I don't see us really being involved romantically because in my own way (through emotional exhaustion and self respect), I've managed to see her now more as a "friend". And what kind of a friend is she to me? At this time, she is someone I can get a good laugh from. Enjoy some light conversation with and when I walk out the door after a hard days work, she and work will remain there until I walk back into the office the next day. She can say and do things that will try to get me jealous or baffle me, but I'm determined to leave her with the big stack of papers on my desk each and every day I go home.

Truth is, these people are very skilled in getting you to like them, but they don't know how to be real friends with real give and take.

I agree with you on this one. When I thought she saw me as the most disgusting person in the world, which was certainly a blow to the ego, she changes her tune and thinks of me as the greatest person who has ever lived. Of course, using some of the advice and opinion I have read here has helped me resist her charm. She would e-mail me, follow up with a visit with a plate of pastries and then a phone call. As if she can't get enough of me. I don't know what her motive is because I treat her like everybody else now. No better. No worse.

I know she is frustrated because I don't call or e-mail her, but emotionally it's better for me. It's not as though I'm obsessed with her, but more as though I needed enough space to break away from the web she cast on me. Make sense?

I've managed to not let her bother me so much and have a better understanding of the big picture. So that, her little manipulations are better defensed against.

Maybe you consider yourself to be some knight in shining armour who will rescue this woman from her own problems? And that you'll get a payback somehow from that?

I've thought about this. And maybe have used this as an excuse to continue the dance with her. However, I've learned through a my own failed marraige that anytime I'm placed in the role of the rescuer, it's a recipe for disaster. When a woman perceives me as the knight in shining armour, I run. Because when she realizes I have my own flaws and can only do so much, it only leads to disappointment on her part. So, no, I have enough problems to fix on my own. Let alone try to help her with hers.

Just make sure you're wearing a decent helmet, because after marvelling at the train wrecks these women have not only made of their own lives, but have provoked in the lives of some of those who got too close to them, you're going to be slapping your head and saying, "What was I thinking?"

During the no contact period, I did alot of head slapping. I still do it today, but I am far less affected by her behavior than when I first met her. To be realistic though, I should expect to engage with her almost daily. However, I believe by treating her as a good office friend would be the best approach. I do sense she is trying to push for something beyond that to ensure she has her supply. She almost has this pattern where she will pursue.. pursue.. and then back off hoping I chase. So far I haven't taken her bait. I no longer purposely avoid her. It's just that I don't feel the need to do it.

Ddeehopes

You brought up the possibility of BPD, which I believe many sufferers are known to scar themselves. How severely do they injure themselves? The reason I ask is, the other day she showed me some bites, which to the ordinary person would pass as bug bites. But the location of the bites are suspicious. She claimed the bites were possibly spider bites, but who gets a bite on the pad of the hand? Not to mention the multiple bites. Also, the bites didn't have associated swelling, one would expect. Many I'm overanalyzing, but the bites just didn't seem normal. Can the BPD individual control the harm they cause themselves?

anyguy,

I guess if you know what you're getting into and are quick to identify any #######4 coming your way, you can get away with being her "friend."

I couldn't do that though. Better alone than in bad company, that's me.

Anyguy, I agree w/Juswonderin..however you are still 'hooked' by the barbs of a sick woman. You are likely bored at work? Not busy enough to find her to be kinda just an annoyance? Does she make you question your manliness? Does she tell you 'how it is with women' and ask your wonderful opinion on things? Does she feed your ego with heaps of little tidbits about life and how to live it and how you've got it right- except....maybe some thing she'll pick out about you- a weakness? Do you really want to shag her and dominate that way? Like JusW..I agree better alone than in bad company. Birds of a feather..etc. The HPD types are masters at mind-f9cks.....smoke and mirrors.

--If I may, I'd suggest finding a better pastime at work than her. In any sparetime -go for walks, surf the web, check into investing, take an online class,look at cars, hunting...whatever. You'll come to be ok without the little diversions she offers. She's toxic. HPDs are impossible to 'figure out' since their brain is not working like you'd expect. Just when you think you 'get it' they change the game...and you're tumbling in confusion again.

-I suggest figuring out and admitting to yourself what your core drive behind your obsession with her is...then you can begin to address it. == lift the fog

(mine is..I sadly still would want to sleep w/her. It's simple as that. Plus I want to save her from herself and her robotic sycophants.

gone