Exploring *Bad* Emotions

Hey Trophy,

Some people do try to provoke jealous emotions in others. This generally only works though on someone who is emotionally involved, or who has issues and easily triggered to feel jealous.

It seems like for you this is a more or less casual relationship, and he is also seeing others.

It does seem some people try to provoke feelings of jealousy in others for various reasons such as:

1.) To demonstrate their 'social value'; sadly the need to prove it can also be a sign of poor self-esteem.
2.) If they have a sadistic side, I guess it's empowering for them to see someone else hurt.
3.) Habit carried over from younger years.
4.) etc.

xdude wrote:Hey Trophy,

Some people do try to provoke jealous emotions in others. This generally only works though on someone who is emotionally involved, or who has issues and easily triggered to feel jealous.

It seems like for you this is a more or less casual relationship, and he is also seeing others.

It does seem some people try to provoke feelings of jealousy in others for various reasons such as:

1.) To demonstrate their 'social value'; sadly the need to prove it can also be a sign of poor self-esteem.
2.) If they have a sadistic side, I guess it's empowering for them to see someone else hurt.
3.) Habit carried over from younger years.
4.) etc.

So to some degree, we agree that it's emotional manipulation?

Where I'm having a bit of an issue, is that I DIDN'T view this as a casual relationship. He approached ME two times for a relationship. I actually really *want to try to* love him. But...then it got weird when I didn't "play my role" (crying, begging, acting jealous and clingy...while he slept with other women when out of town on business).

But... even with this desire, I am not jealous of him seeing other women. I just accept that he *probably will not stop* seeing other women, and would prefer to simply lie to me about it and feign monogamy.

That's why I entertained "an open relationship." He didn't seem to comfortable with that.

I mean, does he really think, that I BELIEVE he's going to stop????

I'm confused. Wouldn't an open relationship remove the veil so that everyone can just be free--understanding that the PRIMARY relationship was between the two of us?

Yet, despite all of this, I haven't discarded him. Hence, why I *think* there are some deeper level emotions that are at play here, possibly below my level of cognition.

We don't speak as much, and I actually hope he's found someone (again). BTW, I think he's lying about these "girlfriends" who keep popping up every time I don't perform on cue.

I would be just as happy (or happier) if he simply fell in love with someone capable of loving him (and acquiescing to the male/female status quo), of which, I admit, I do not..acquiesce to, I meant.

Really only you know him so I can only guess.

Maybe just a case of he wants to have his cake and eat it too (one set of rules for him, another for you). I suppose he could be a player (more than you yet aware), or has some disordered traits of his own. Yes, it could be he is making up the other women, a jealousy play.

xdude wrote:Really only you know him so I can only guess.

Yes, it could be he is making up the other women, a jealousy play.

He's such a pussycat...That what makes this soooooo hard.

And...he's sort of shy and hides behind his "title, prominence, money, status..."

He's cute.

Yeah, I sort of think he's making them up. Also, don't think he's a player, as he's pretty high profile and dating many women would be a "bad look" ... I strongly believe that most of the women are contractual (escorts).

But...I did find this interesting article on "matching feelings with affect" that I will try to incorporate into my own work.

Also, I'm trying to learn from "normal ladies" how they would act in certain situations. It does appear that my behavior leaves most like "huh??"

And...others WISH they could do it.

You're a great help...BTW.


-- Fri Oct 24, 2014 1:54 pm --

xdude wrote:Really only you know him so I can only guess.

Maybe just a case of he wants to have his cake and eat it too (one set of rules for him, another for you).

Now...he KNOWS that simply won't work....

There are different kinds of HPD apparently with different features. I can feel jealousy, but only when "in love" or attached with expectations. I'm not going to get jealous over some casual partner or date who I wasn't sure how I felt about. I might even feel relief that I didn't have to feel guilty for having to reject someone I wasn't "in love" with. Maybe you just weren't that into him. Or is this always, like even with a strong connection or long term attachments?

trophywife wrote:

xdude wrote:Really only you know him so I can only guess.

Yes, it could be he is making up the other women, a jealousy play.

He's such a pussycat...That what makes this soooooo hard.

And...he's sort of shy and hides behind his "title, prominence, money, status..."

He's cute.

Yeah, I sort of think he's making them up. Also, don't think he's a player, as he's pretty high profile and dating many women would be a "bad look" ... I strongly believe that most of the women are contractual (escorts).

But...I did find this interesting article on "matching feelings with affect" that I will try to incorporate into my own work.

Also, I'm trying to learn from "normal ladies" how they would act in certain situations. It does appear that my behavior leaves most like "huh??"

And...others WISH they could do it.

You're a great help...BTW.


-- Fri Oct 24, 2014 1:54 pm --

xdude wrote:Really only you know him so I can only guess.

Maybe just a case of he wants to have his cake and eat it too (one set of rules for him, another for you).

Now...he KNOWS that simply won't work....

Whoa...hides behind money, status, hires escorts, behaves correctly not for internal morals but because it would be a "bad look"....my narcissist red sirens would be going off like mad, if not actual NPD, features or traits. Just saying, because you're calling him "a pussycat" and then describe a person quite opposite of a pussycat. It's none of my business, I once was deeply in love with a narcissist who everyone else saw as being pretentious and never happy for others, but whom I was blind to, despite his confessed emotional issues, until he brutally discarded me after eighteen months of constantly seeking supply, actually very needy in his attachments, then just as brutally discarded, giving horrible insulting shallow reasons for seeking new supply (she promptly dumped him in six months, apparently less naive than my HPD self)....and you mention your ex was NPD.

None of my business, only you know what's right for you, but what you describe sets off my alarm bells.

Good observation....

trophywife wrote::wink: Good observation....

I hope all is well.

I've never felt jealousy either. Idk. I feel a lot of emotions but jealousy isn't one of them. Not sure why, I guess I never feel possessive in the first place. It doesn't really hurt my self esteem if he ###$ someone else. Maybe if u've never felt jealous it means u've never truly been in love? Idk.

vertices wrote:I've never felt jealousy either. Idk. I feel a lot of emotions but jealousy isn't one of them. Not sure why, I guess I never feel possessive in the first place. It doesn't really hurt my self esteem if he ###$ someone else. Maybe if u've never felt jealous it means u've never truly been in love? Idk.

Good to know that someone else can articulate the mind-fu(kery of "not feeling jealous." That's the thing: for me, it's not a "blow to my self-esteem", nor do I care that he screwed other women (quite honestly, I'm not even overly bothered by the escort thing, as most are very careful with birth control and frequently test for STIs...and want NO DRAMA).

Yet, I do find that I developed feelings quite different than for any other man, including my ex husband. So...did I love him and just didn't "act" the right way? Did I not love him?

Hell...

Update: He's miserable (so he and our mutual friends tell me). He didn't want the pregnancy, but wants to do the right thing. And he misses me.

I miss him too... But hope that he can find happiness with his new situation.

Afterall, she (they) got pregnant, moved into his home and wants to marry him. From accounts from mutual friends, she seems very happy with him, despite his unrequited happiness towards her. Clearly she loves him more than I do...right??

He's just adjusting... He'll learn to love her. Besides she's "wife" material...

To answer the NPD question earlier in the thread: Yes, I did consider it... But returned with "no, not really." I have a Narc-father (somatic) and Narc-xhus (cerebral) so I can sniff out one like a hound.