Lovebombing my kids, and "pretty girl 2.0"

crystal_richardson_ wrote:

trophywife wrote:Also, the chief pathogenator of HPD is not "exclusion of everything but looks", it's that the looks are the primary focus and means of orientation to the outside world.

no that's not he cause of HPD, that IS HPD.

but how does one acquire that orientation and focus?

they acquire it because that's what they were exclusively rewarded for, or paid attention at all to for, growing up.

The cause of HPD is the children focus on gaining attention.

Using the looks, or sexuality is just a mean to an end.

But not all histrionics will have this focus, many will focus on money, adventure/risks or being ultra kind as well.

It is the same as with NPD, people will divide NPD in looks and intelligence(somatic, cerebral) but that is an overly simplistic way of seeing the disorder.

Even when narcs are somatic they will differ from histrionics. Narcs will try to have the most beautiful body, but will be passive in attention seeking(people must recognize their beuaty). Histrionics may not be so good looking, but will make their 'target' feel wanted. They will be much more seductive in behaviour.

creative_nothing wrote:I think this is very complicate.

Nevertheless, the idea that histrionics are sexually promiscuous is inacurate. Some may be, but I think this is more an exception than a rule.

Oh, do agree...I think that MOST of the 'literature" on HPD is sexist in nature. Sexual promiscuity (while a term I have yet to have found a true definition on) is very bias; and loaded with many gender double-standards.

Do I think my daughter will be sexually more active than other girls? NO.. Do I believe that she will seek attention (or expect it) from men-- due to an "over abundance" of "love-bombing" from me-- who will *interpret* her "attention" as sexual, hence will use sex as a means to interact with her?

Maybe...yes.

How do I know this?
Personal experience.

I also admit that this is coming from my own lens and my own experiences, most of which are culturally based: IOW, where I'm from, "plain girls" are "friends... "dimes" are freaks...

Once more, I do recognize that my concerns might be (among users of this forum) filtered through a Eurocentric, westernized lens. Let's accept that PD are not just among one group of people.

I digress...

What I asserted, is from both the perspective of my disorder--and through a lens this is culturally based-- that I am concerned that my daughter *might* encounter some issues, especially if perimeters for dealing with male attention (of which she will get), are not addressed; and there is no "hardwiring" that might predispose her to adverse outcomes of male attention-seeking (eg... Lovebombing)

Also, a note: AfroCaribbean culture makes very marked distinctions and expectations regarding sexuality, based on appearance. Also, MOST not from the Caribbean will hypersexualize WI/SA women.

Just do a Google search on men's perception of "Brazilian" or "Caribbean" women. Spoiler alert: Most men, are NOT interested in our "personalities"...especially if perceived as attractive and attention seeking/getting).

In other words, it's nothing to think that the nice, pretty girl from Trinidad who wants attention from you, also wants to screw you. Maybe, she just wants a friend? But...if she's a "dime", then the ONLY reason for a man to want her around is to screw her (according to many MRA and PuAs). So what's a girl to do? Especially if there is some expectation that everyone who pays attention to her "loves" her...

It's difficult to perceive the nuances of "attention" from men when you 1) expect it--because you were love bombed as a child to believe everyone will "love you" and 2) (regarding male attention) look like a girl on the top of the Carnival float (as my daughter will in about 8 years), and have expectations that the ONLY expected attention from men is sexual (this is supported culturally, BTW).

Hence, why I don't support modeling for her. I realize it's controversial, yet, culturally, it's a mixed bag...She can be a mensa, yet, will always be viewed as the "pretty girl."

Note:

Sorry if this is triggering for others...But, my voice is equally as relevant to this discourse, and is to be respected as well. Those who can't *handle it*, are free to block my posts, with no worries from me...

Trophywife

Hey Trophywife,

I was just reading an article about 'how come?' nearly all the female Halloween costumes are 'sexy' [fill in the blank] (e.g., sexy cop, sexy doctor, sexy witch, sexy etc.) while the boys costumes are just cop, doctor, warlock, etc. Apparently there is even a controversial 'sexy ebola nurse' costume.

I doubt we will solve the whole world's gender differences issues/controversy here but I think the gist of what you are writing is that you want her to value herself for more than her looks, and that there is already no lack of pressure (and reinforcement on her) to value herself based on her looks.

To the OP.

How old is your daughter?

As far as I am concerbed hpd works as the opposite of spd.

The schizoid child is never praised and even punished by showing spontaneous behaviour. The histrionic child is praised for pretty much anything they do.

With time the schizoid loses all spontaneous interests and ways of interacting and feels an foreigner in exile, and the histrionic never develop the capacity for making deep and substantiou works and reflection, instead relying in recruiting help to get what they want.

So what I am trying to say it is no wrong for a girl be ocuppied with beauty, but the root cause of HPD is trying to solve any problem trough recruiting help through superficial behaviour.

creative_nothing wrote:To the OP.

How old is your daughter?

As far as I am concerbed hpd works as the opposite of spd.

The schizoid child is never praised and even punished by showing spontaneous behaviour. The histrionic child is praised for pretty much anything they do.

With time the schizoid loses all spontaneous interests and ways of interacting and feels an foreigner in exile, and the histrionic never develop the capacity for making deep and substantiou works and reflection, instead relying in recruiting help to get what they want.

So what I am trying to say it is no wrong for a girl be ocuppied with beauty, but the root cause of HPD is trying to solve any problem trough recruiting help through superficial behaviour.

This is a very interesting perspective! But you're spot on...it does *feel* like the praising (at least for me) was almost too much--with the root focus: appearance.

However, I can't speak for more pathological pwHPD (I have all traits and a few of the more pathological components (hence, I tend to not be exploitative, per se...),

but, from my own experience, I can see how ALWAYS GETTING ATTENTION and ALWAYS GETTING PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT can have a damaging effect: I have no idea who "really loves me" and who "loves" the idea of being with me... I also don't know "how much attention" is too much...or not enough...

Through my own work, my inability to discern "true" love or cultivate non-sexual relationships with men is due in part from my disorder and the lovebombing I experienced early in my life. Some might believe that "appearance" had nothing to do with it...yet my not-perceived- as-pretty cousin was treated TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Sort of like the extreme of a SPD child. Great analogy, BTW.

My concern for my children (primarily my daughter) is that my "lovebombing" will somehow set her up for expecting it...And due to her beauty, culturally, she will get attention (because guys approach pretty girls)...yet, the attention is not always "good attention."

I'm striving for balance...

-- Wed Oct 29, 2014 12:22 pm --

creative_nothing wrote:To the OP.

How old is your daughter?

She's 8.

xdude wrote:Hey Trophywife,

Apparently there is even a controversial 'sexy ebola nurse' costume. [I SAW THIS! COMPLETELY REPREHENSIBLE!!!! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THOUGHT THAT S**T WAS APPROPRIATE???? PEOPLE ARE DYING FROM EBOLA, AND SOMEONE HAD THE THOUGHT "HEY, LET'S PUT SOME HOT CHICK IN A HAZMAT SUIT!!!" *BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'S "DISORDERED" FOR HAVING ISSUES HOW ATTRACTIVE WOMEN ARE TREATED. ]

I think the gist of what you are writing is that you want her to value herself for more than her looks, and that there is already no lack of pressure (and reinforcement on her) to value herself based on her looks. [PRETTY MUCH... YET, I ALSO WISH TO ADD THAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT HOW MY BEHAVIOR WILL IMPACT THIS. I'M INTROSPECTIVE HERE...]

Someone asked me what I was "going as" for Halloween.

I'm dressing as Freddy Krueger...

Be natural.

Love can do no harm.

Artificiality can.

Dont think too much. Personalities are at great deal genetic. It is not under your control. Let her grow.

Although I rarely agree with Creative Nothing, I have to agree in this case

Loving your kids is a good thing. Holding back is the wrong approach when it comes to loving your children, because I think that's just provoking them to question themselves about it and develop lifelong insecurities. I tell my kids I love them well over 50 times a day. Someday, if they tell me I'm annoying them, I might change my approach. But for now, while they are young, I don't think it's possible to love them too much.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:Although I rarely agree with Creative Nothing, I have to agree in this case

Loving your kids is a good thing. Holding back is the wrong approach when it comes to loving your children, because I think that's just provoking them to question themselves about it and develop lifelong insecurities. I tell my kids I love them well over 50 times a day. Someday, if they tell me I'm annoying them, I might change my approach. But for now, while they are young, I don't think it's possible to love them too much.

Thank you..

I love them like crazy.... and will continue to do so. For me, they are the only people I've "loved" without question. I have been told that I "spoil them" with love and then that just causes the cycling of "am I lovebombing them?

I'd rather they feel "loved" than the converse.

creative_nothing wrote:Be natural.

Love can do no harm.

Artificiality can.

Dont think too much. Personalities are at great deal genetic. It is not under your control. Let her grow.

That's the intent. In addition, I fully intend on letting her "grow" (and prepare her that she will be viewed though a lens that is gender-inequitable and culturally biased).

So...

I found this thread from 2007 about a HPD mother and the "abuse" she's inflicted on her children. None of this even reads like me, or others I know...

But...I must say (like most stuff about HPD) the thread is inundated with a bunch of pissed off ex-partners who've become "experts" on the disorder.

I quit.

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