Lovebombing my kids, and "pretty girl 2.0"

So, recently I've been searching for information on the potential harm to a child for having a H mother. Most of the data is on "sexual promiscuity" , "inappropriate boundaries with adults" and precociousness..

But...

I'm somewhat concerned about the risk of "lovebombing" my kids...and potentially giving them TOO MUCH loving (if that's even possible), as it can create the expectation that they will always, in any situation, receive the same level of attention (which, they will not.)

So...I'm actively scaling back on the "I love yous" to at least 10 a day... Yes, I will tell my kids over 50 times a day that I love them. I also allow them "free independent play", so that they can select an activity but they have to do so ALONE.
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I also have made it clear that my daughter will NOT be involved with modeling or pageants. She's very cute also, and I'm hearing the "oooh, you're such a pretty girl..", "you look like your mother"...

My xNh would take pride in saying, "Yes, she has her mother's looks....she's set!"

Yuck.

I want to teach her how to play chess.
She hates princesses (Yay!!!)
And she like to "dress casual"

But...

Doesn't matter.

that's not a bad idea...

but also take into consideration how the rest of the world will react to her.

if she feels her mother is holding her back, while others are encouraging her to model, that might sour your relationship, build resentment, etc

also, be aware that the models of today are not princesses, because that is not trendy any more, it is causal jeans wearing tomboyish girls.

so your daughter could yet still identify with this...or become involved

which leads to my next question: why is that a problem?

do you see modelling and other activities/pursuits as incompatible?

the chief pathogenetor of HPD is praise of looks to the exclusion of other things, like personality, intelligence, etc.

why not balance? let her model (if she tries it and likes it), and encourage/allow her the opportunity to try other stuff as well, so she can see for herself what she likes, instead of making the decision for her not to model.

if she REALLY like modelling, tell her she can do it, but you insist she equally prioritize schooling, etc, because (and this true) she should have a backup or something if modelling doesn't work out.

also, regarding pageants, I think some people's reaction to this is completely ignorant and retarded. if the child enjoys and wants to do it, and the mother is not pressuring her then it's not a problem. it's just playing dress up with a bit of competitive fun, no different than putting boys in hockey or whatever.

it's not WHAT she does, but why that is important. don't make love conditional, and don't make decisions for her.

Once again. You make assumptions.

You assume, I do not understand balance with pretty/smarts. I live this everyday, you are merely an observer. I have an earned doctorate degree, clearly I'm not a dumbass.

You assume that making a decision that my child will not model will build resentment. Have you modeled? Do you know what happens to kids who model? I'll deal with that *possible* resentment, over my child being potentially sexually exploited.

Also, the chief pathogenator of HPD is not "exclusion of everything but looks", it's that the looks are the primary focus and means of orientation to the outside world.

Many HPD have earned degrees and are highly intelligent, yet it's often overshadowed by their looks.

Ok. really...I'm done.

Let's call it.

trophywife wrote:Also, the chief pathogenator of HPD is not "exclusion of everything but looks", it's that the looks are the primary focus and means of orientation to the outside world.

no that's not he cause of HPD, that IS HPD.

but how does one acquire that orientation and focus?

they acquire it because that's what they were exclusively rewarded for, or paid attention at all to for, growing up.

-- Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:27 pm --

trophywife wrote:Do you know what happens to kids who model?

this is a sweeping generalization.

model is a wide range of things.

it's not all sexually oriented. it can be home catalogues. product advertisements. sports equipment.

just because you had a bad experience in modelling doesn't mean your daughter will. but you can use your experience to guide her, of course.

I do speak from personal experience about the resentment. it's a very real possibility. I just don't think it's wise to cut modelling out wholesale.

what do you really want for your child? for her to be happy, or for her to favour mommy's image of being a smart professional women?

she deserves to take chances just as you did, but you can use your experience to guide her and support her in her choices.

I have no strong opinion, but some misc thoughts, mostly on the question of is female modeling career similar to a male pursing a sports careers.

First, I have no idea how well most men fair after a sports career. We hear about the reports of those who do well while they are playing, as well as those who end up bankrupt or in trouble, but we hear almost nothing about what happens after their careers are over. (of course if someone does well, saves their $, they should be able to have a comfy life long after their career is over; you can't save up looks though).

In many sports it's well understood that a sports career is a time limited gig (yes there are a few exceptions, but out of the billions of us, only a few are so fortunate). Same with modeling; very few will go on well into their 40s, 50s etc.

It does seem many (maybe most or nearly all) girls feel the pressure of 'to be liked, I need to look good, sexy, etc.'

Likewise, I think many boys feel the pressure of 'to be liked, I need to succeed, make money, do something amazing, etc.' Sports is just one way to succeed but it's just one of many ways.

And so that...

Maybe the key difference is that there are a lot of ways to 'succeed' (at least in terms of jobs, work, positions of authority, etc.) as a person ages, but when it comes to looks, while it's not PC to write, let's face it, we tend to associate looks (i.e., beauty and sexually attractive) with youth.

Problem is youth is also a time limited gig. I suspect not everyone handles it equally well when the gig fades or is up.

xdude wrote:I have no strong opinion, but some misc thoughts, mostly on the question of is female modeling career similar to a male pursing a sports careers.

.

I think so, yes...and like modeling, many youth sports have some pretty awful "hazing" practices under the guise of "masculinity."

I suppose another way to look at is it is normal enough to take pay for our assets, be it our intelligence, talents, physical strength, or looks. Some of these types of assets can provide for a long career, some not so much.

It's arguable, but it seems to some degree we have assets that we are born with (e.g., maybe someone who is exceptionally good at math is no different than someone who has an exceptional singing voice), plus there is our "effort" factor, how hard we work at it, and the decisions we make.

I can understand the concern though, that she might end up focusing too much on her looks (or come to value herself primarily for her appearance) at the expense of focus on other talents she has, skills, education, job experience, etc., that would provide long term stability and a sense of "I accomplished that".

I don't think modelling itself, like getting involved in it, can determine character...like make someone HPD.

it depends on why the person goes into it, i.e. what they are like prior and their motivations.

just because HPDs might be found in greater numbers in modelling doesn't mean that modelling causes HPD. it could be that they were just attracted for HPD reasons...they were HPD long before

but there are other reasons, like practical (ex. like xdude said, making money). and of course other things relating to satisfaction with one's career choice which is fine...as long as the child's needs are met at home or wherever early on then I don't think parents should worry too much about their children being corrupted by this or that.

it all depends on how it figures in the child's core relationships, and whether love/etc is conditional on performance/compliance.

crystal_richardson_ wrote:I don't think modelling itself, like getting involved in it, can determine character...like make someone HPD.

it depends on why the person goes into it, i.e. what they are like prior and their motivations.

just because HPDs might be found in greater numbers in modelling doesn't mean that modelling causes HPD. it could be that they were just attracted for HPD reasons...they were HPD long before

but there are other reasons, like practical (ex. like xdude said, making money). and of course other things relating to satisfaction with one's career choice which is fine...as long as the child's needs are met at home or wherever early on then I don't think parents should worry too much about their children being corrupted by this or that.

it all depends on how it figures in the child's core relationships, and whether love/etc is conditional on performance/compliance.

Ok.

I think this is very complicate.

Many times I do think my mother suffers from HPD(and OCPD) and no, I am not promiscuous, neither I do think my sisters are.

But I must say that the one of the hard thing, is that she had little patience with mistakes. I know this when I see how she treats my 88 y.o. grandapa. She treats him if he was an adult.

The second point is that she is attention seeking, and has no boundaries. She has zero respect for privacy.

But all that I am just guessing.

Nevertheless, the idea that histrionics are sexually promiscuous is inacurate. Some may be, but I think this is more an exception than a rule.