So why are they typically good-looking?

by **xdude** » Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:12 pm

Scarlett1939 wrote:...
Things sure are different on here now. Don't really see much of the ones that used to be here. I hope that is a good thing. ...

Maybe

I grew up in a cluster B home so might have a perspective that can associate, but I do constantly question, let a threat run its course, or intervene if it moves into the realm of personal insults. Like most people, I have to constantly question my personal motives vs what is good for others (or maybe that's what separates disordered from not? not sure

)

Scarlett1939 wrote:Crystal. ...
I assure you the need to feel special is long past. I do not do things to attract attention. I fix my hair and makeup for work or an outing of course but I have also gone places with very little effort and when I thought I was most rugged and fully covered and clothed with hoodie and all and some have still come up to me to address me. As for the kind of guys they are. ..I didn't stick around enough to find out. I am fully happy in my marriage. I do not need outside validation to know what is. I'm sorry you misunderstood my post. If you ever go back and read my posts from years ago you will remember most of my shortcomings I fell into were before I was married. It wasn't though until I found this board that I realized WHY I did those things. I still try to make sure to keep things in check. I know who I am and I do not need to justify myself to anyone. I only post on occasion to help anyone that it may.

You can't change the symptomatic things about hpd because you don't like the fact we are in the "above average looks" it is what it is. If you don't believe it then that is of course your opinion. But the professional doctor opinion is that we are. But had our families not been so screwed up we might not have developed the tendencies we did.

Either way...you are entitled to your opinion and I have no ill will against anyone here on this board. If you met me in person you would not believe I am looking for attention or validation of any sort. I'm just being honest here of my experiences.

Best of luck to you Crystal.
Scarlett

My point was not disputing that HPD are often above-average looking, it was disputing the 'naturalness' of it, that their attractiveness can't be helped, that they just have 'something' and no matter what they do they attract.

Minus the hair/make-up, etc. and minus attention-seeking behaviours, their attractiveness is not high, is my point.

Are those attention-seeking behaviours compulsive and in that sense uncontrollable? Yes. But that's different from having some automatic thoughtless allure. The HPD is very active and involved in their attractiveness; they are not the unwilling victim of attention or people falling for them.

by **xdude** » Sat Feb 14, 2015 5:25 am

Hi crystal,

crystal_richardson_ wrote:....
also the HPD doesn't just attract anyone, it is a particular kind of guy that shares their insecurity.
...

You are likely on to the truth here. I know when I reached a point where I finally faced my self-esteem issues the magical hold over me that brought me here disintegrated, and then I saw she was no more or less attractive than so many other women. And with that the magic I thought I saw went *poof* too.

Could just be that HPD is another form or narcissism, where HPD types (unconsciously) select people with low self-esteem, leverage their lack of self-worth (because it's a way to control others, which is no different than what NPD types want, to have others they can control to boost their lack of facing their own self-esteem issues), and so are seen as larger than life.

by **Romeo111** » Sun Feb 15, 2015 12:56 pm

xdude wrote:Hi crystal,

crystal_richardson_ wrote:....
also the HPD doesn't just attract anyone, it is a particular kind of guy that shares their insecurity.
...

You are likely on to the truth here. I know when I reached a point where I finally faced my self-esteem issues the magical hold over me that brought me here disintegrated, and then I saw she was no more or less attractive than so many other women. And with that the magic I thought I saw went *poof* too.

Could just be that HPD is another form or narcissism, where HPD types (unconsciously) select people with low self-esteem, leverage their lack of self-worth (because it's a way to control others, which is no different than what NPD types want, to have others they can control to boost their lack of facing their own self-esteem issues), and so are seen as larger than life.

So how would you classify a healthy relationship ? The control of 50-50 between both partners or a slight stronger control in favour of the male partner. Women love the strong and selfish dudes and it is very common that relationships hold over 30 years with that. The moment we men become "weaker" we lose towards other competitors around our area, in the end just look at the facts. You go out and every guy has intention to hit on a woman because lets face it, it is so awesome and manly to hit on chicks. Best reference are the player tutorials on youtube. Independent if that woman has a partner or not, those guys hit constantly, in some cases those women hit on them back and flirt but that is more rare. So my point is, if you are not managing to survive in this dilemma "survival of the fittest" male, I don't think the women keep their respect for you, as they would think you are a man who doesn't respect himself to be stronger than others mentally or sexually.
As far as it concerns pretty women, it is hard to handle them or their infidelity. Being pretty gives people a power too many don't understand. Having that specific aura around you which attracts the opposite sex is annoying for yourself and for others if you have a commited relationship already. HPDs or not, people like the " I am wanted" feeling, don't they? Lets not lie about this, please.

by **xdude** » Sun Feb 15, 2015 1:10 pm

Hi Romeo,

You are likely on to something. Equality was a big thing with the woman I got involved with, but then when it came down to who would have to arrange the vacations, pay for it, the nitty-gritty details in life, it was on me and she'd criticize me for being not enough of a man no matter what.

It took me some time to realize my lack of true self-esteem kept me involved, and that she wanted it both ways, the benefits of equality but not the costs.

by **Romeo111** » Sun Feb 15, 2015 7:26 pm

@ xdude

I am really sad to hear that you went through that. Luckily the women I have been involved with were good to me financially. Two of them said more or less the same line when it came down to that: "I would feel bad if you payed so much and I didn't give back anything in return, let me pay this time."

I know every person has individual qualities and we can't generalize as I said, as you can see on my example. Although having a disorder those women were civilized when it came down to money not to ruin me financially, because most of them I told straight away what I've went through to get to where I am or where I want to be. So we can say communication is a major key. I told them what I would throw at them at the same time I was honest and gentle.

The woman I am with now (possibly healthy) is doing the same thing, she gives back. Be it love or money when she sees that I do something for her. I guess only if we connect with them more deeply and not superficial they have a big part of empathy for us. I know it is abit derailing the thread but I hope it gives you another perspective that PDs can have reciprocal love even if lived very shortly with only one partner. What could have helped in my perspective is if I hadn't become too nice to overlook their mistakes in other areas. Well, lesson learned and yes they are typically good looking. And no they aren't typically good looking. It depends alot on the person and who they want or they are with or which life goal they want to secure.

by **ridingthewtfbus** » Mon Feb 16, 2015 11:10 pm

xdude wrote:Equality was a big thing with the woman I got involved with, but then when it came down to who would have to arrange the vacations, pay for it, the nitty-gritty details in life, it was on me and she'd criticize me for being not enough of a man no matter what.

It took me some time to realize my lack of true self-esteem kept me involved, and that she wanted it both ways, the benefits of equality but not the costs.

Great post.... rung a bell inside me. The distribution of effort was clearly shifted in her favor from day one, and although I really didn't complain too much, it escalated towards the end after she injured herself which changed the distribution from a more manageable level to one where I was under too much stress. It was the breaking point in our relationship because I think she finally realized I was on to her game, even though I really wasn't (I didn't even know HPD existed at that point). I was only asking for more help. In retrospect I now know I was simply being used all along. I'm not exactly sure if the guilt ate her up inside, which would require empathy I'm not sure she had, or if she simply saw no other solution but to detonate the relationship. Either way, I am thankful for my freedom. I still regret the outcome though for our children's sake, though. I doubt that will ever change until they are free as well. They are still too young to see what happened.

-- Mon Feb 16, 2015 6:16 pm --

Scarlett1939 wrote:It's all flowers and butterflies until she shows her true self to them. Once she does that, they are dumbfounded that she is the girl they "fell in love with". She transforms herself to what she thinks they want. Then... she drops the hammer like Thor when she doesn't get her way.

Sounds exactly like my ex.

-- Mon Feb 16, 2015 6:17 pm --

Scarlett1939 wrote:There are others who still live in that toddler mind... you do as I say or I throw a fit and punish you.

This too.....

by **xdude** » Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:24 pm

I guess the general lesson is that while a lot of people talk about the intellectual concept of "don't judge others based on how they look" (i.e., you can't judge a book by its cover), the reality is we humans do that at times. That's further confounded by a couple of things:

First, that most people don't object so much to being judged or treated differently (or even encourage it) if they feel they are benefiting.

Second, that when a person is judged or treated differently, for better or worse, that if that goes on for most of their life, it's not surprising that to some degree they are going to internalize it, feel others treatment is a reflection of self.

That written, the way a person behaves can affect how some others evaluate their appearance too (sort of crystal's point, perceptions can be altered to a degree).

Bottom line though is that just as we have to watch out for treating others poorly due to their appearance, but for all the same reasons just because someone appears attractive to us, treating them with preference can be a mistake too.

by **Sous Le Masque** » Thu Mar 19, 2015 10:52 am

Had to smile to myself with the question ' So why are they typically good-looking?'

Easy answer. We are because it's one of the best attention feeds a person can have. I'm not sure if it's a conscious or subconscious thing that we have.

As an HPD male it's really easy to stand out from other males and get female attention. I'm always aware of my appearance. Always at the gym, dieting, regularly go to the barbers, buying clothes and shoes.

So it's no accident that I look the way I do. HPD women are appearance obsessed too and will do anything to become good looking for the very same reason.

Simple answer to a simple question.

Sous

by **ridingthewtfbus** » Sat Mar 21, 2015 6:17 pm

Sous Le Masque wrote:So it's no accident that I look the way I do. HPD women are appearance obsessed too and will do anything to become good looking for the very same reason.

Simple answer to a simple question.

Sous

Enjoy it while it lasts bro. Eventually whatever pain you have caused will return to haunt you.

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