So why are they typically good-looking?

by **trophywife** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:13 pm

blank_identity wrote:
No two histrionics are alike, just as there are many different flavors of narcissism.

This is true.

And I actually have no traits of NPD. There are also cultural factors to my personality (I'm West Indian/AfroCaribbean).

Are pwHPD really more beautiful, or just more alluring? There's a difference. Though I have been long told I have a pretty face, and even a nice body by men who prefer curvy women, I don't look like a supermodel. I can snag most people though, to the point that when I was a little younger, and I couldn't snag someone, I would wonder why and get pissed instead of just realizing it's absurd to think you can be that attractive to everyone you want.

I think a lot of people here have already touched on the possibility that it's a self fulfilling prophecy, that the pretty child was made to feel that was their main worth, and for women this is easily reinforced by society.

I know one of my reasons for being a woman who made myself into a sex object is that I thought it gave me more power and control. To me it seemed like wife types get cheated on, get taken advantage of, that the sex object is always just slightly out of reach, so is more tantalizing, and if one man gets mean or bored, there's always another.

The daddy/princess thing is probably a good point too. I do think one of my favorite musicians, Lana del Rey (aka Lizzy Grant) is a good example of a famous histrionic. If she's not HPD she exemplifies so many tendencies. She recreated herself physically almost to the point where she's a woman, but such a woman in an over blown way that she's practically a drag queen. Some people hate her for it, some love her (that typical trait where an H is either alluring or found to be a huge pain in the ass)...her music focuses often on themes of being mistress lover or whore instead of wife. In some songs she talks about daddy issues or sleeping with another woman's husband. And yet paradoxically she seems fragile, dependent and independent all at once, crying easily on stage, hugging and kissing fans, getting depressed when people talk badly about her in the media.

But point being, she made herself into that. I do think a lot of Histrionics are somewhat pretty to begin with, but that it is still personality related and requires effort.

by **Marmotini** » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:21 am

Occams Chainsaw wrote:trophywife,

I don't understand why, if you don't like the attention and consequences of how you look, you focus so much on looking good:

a strawman example of this would be that women who paid to have a third breast to appear less attractive to remove the stigma of being attractive from her life. While clearly a case of going too far, I wonder whether a step in that direction might make sense for mental health.

For instance, if you were to not wear makeup and had a more 'muted' look, do you think you'd be taken more seriously at work etc like you implied you'd like? It seems like you're actually indulging in it and enjoy the attention on one side and then complaining about the consequences on the other.

Not meant as a dig, I'm just trying to understand.

I know you aren't addressing me, but hey I have done and do this and frankly it does help especially if say focusing on career or schooling, to intentionally dress down and take the mask off, I play both roles, problem being that if you have not dealt with deeper self esteem and self validation issues as a histrionic, you may eventually become distressed or depressed if you have intentionally made yourself less appealing. A feeling of hollowness may arise possibly like maybe similar to what Borderline experiences, where you feel good about being taken seriously for being smart or good, but if you go out of your way to detract from beauty, and this was a key issue (it actually isn't for all histrionics, I think it's a myth that we are all Barbies or hookers, it's just COMMON for inappropriate sexuality to be a symptom) ...but yeah anyway despite congrats on being smart or kind, the H may still feel less than because they are not seen as attractive, feeling like they're blending in with the wall, which will just trigger more acting out. It's not that simple to just get over it without doing the inner work. Otherwise it wouldn't be a personality disorder.

by **Marmotini** » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:41 am

vertices wrote:Ugly people can't get away with being histrionic

Lol...tell the late great Divine that.

-- Wed Jan 14, 2015 6:42 pm --

vertices wrote:Ugly people can't get away with being histrionic

Lol...tell the late great Divine that.

by **trophywife** » Thu Jan 15, 2015 3:01 am

Marmotini wrote:
vertices wrote:Ugly people can't get away with being histrionic

Lol...tell the late great Divine that.

HELLLOOOO???????

:lol:

-- Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:08 pm --

problem being that if you have not dealt with deeper self esteem and self validation issues as a histrionic, you may eventually become distressed or depressed if you have intentionally made yourself less appealing.

YUP. And if you are expected to NOT dress down (or shamed for doing so...eg. "Girl, do yoself up, ya lukin' like dem tomboys"), there is a new level of insanity...

I won't even go into the education again (especially, when you now have to fight off co-eds AND PROFESSORS)

Seriously, when folks start with the leveling and "well, look normal" talk, I just tune that sh% t out...

If only it was THAT EASY...

by **vertices** » Thu Jan 15, 2015 3:33 am

trophywife wrote:
YUP. And if you are expected to NOT dress down (or shamed for doing so...eg. "Girl, do yoself up, ya lukin' like dem tomboys"), there is a new level of insanity...

I won't even go into the education again (especially, when you now have to fight off co-eds AND PROFESSORS)

Seriously, when folks start with the leveling and "well, look normal" talk, I just tune that sh% t out...

If only it was THAT EASY...

also if you have a certain type of face, just taking care of yourself, people act like you're going all out, and it would be weird to intentionally have bad hygiene just because other people can't tell you're not making some big effort...

by **Marmotini** » Fri Jan 16, 2015 7:33 am

Yes to Trophywife and Vertices, there's a whole new level when people are like why aren't you being more girly or fitting this stereotypes when you are intentionally trying to break it (without being just unhygienic and ridiculous about it). I have wanted to scream at them I used to wear five inch heels and liquid eyeliner almost every night. ...and that's part of the societal enabling of the disorder for women, they see you dressed down and ask why, and don't think how that affects you. I like men who like me without make up or in very casual clothes, but even one says to me, you are so good at beauty (make up, hair) why don't you do it professionally? I felt crushed like you don't see me for who I am at all,, you just remember the days that I was feeding my histrionic tendencies to be loved for this. .....yeah, I feel involuntarily ashamed sometimes for being criticized for not being feminine enough, but then also feel that discomfort and even anger Trophywife describes, when guys try to pick you up on the street in a tee shirt and jeans, like please leave me alone. It's so crazy, all of it, and I feel it's societal in part.

by **words-as-weapons666** » Sat Jan 17, 2015 1:52 am

trophywife wrote:Ask my parents...I have NOTHING to do with it.

Other than lipgloss and eye liner, I'm not sure how "made up" I am.

This questions has been asked, et nauseum. So I'll try:

Imagine--
1- From the time you're old enough to suckle, you master-status is your looks.
2- You can't play with the other kids, without some boy (or several) wanting to "cop a feel"
3- Girls won't play with you because the boys all like you
4- Adults comment on your appearance, sometimes inappropriately.
5- You are told "you should be a model"
6- Your relatives all comment on your appearance

EVERY DAMN THING IN YOUR CHILDHOOD IS ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE

Then you hit puberty..
7- You have FEWER girls who are your friend
8- The primary attention you get is from boys
9- You get preferential treatment from your teachers (especially male teachers)
10- You are viewed as "barely legal" or "jail bait" and you overhear this as you walk past the teacher's lounge
11- You decide to model, and are exploited by photographers
12. After your 18th birthday, men as old as 40 find you an appropriate mate

EVERY DAMN THING IN YOUR ADOLESCENCE IS ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE

Then you start dating...

13- And you are "the dime" or "the 10"
14- Your boyfriend's friends know about how fine you are before they meet you, and openly talk about your looks
15- Than you become friendly with his friends, and he becomes jealous
16- And it goes down hill from there.

AND THEN THERE'S COLLEGE...CAREER...LIFE... EVERY DAMN THING IN YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE.

So....

In the mist of all of this admiration/jealousy you are expected to go to school, get a degree, and a job...and find a partner, a life...

Nope.

You're too "pretty" to be a wife... Because you are high infidelity risk. Even in perception...you hadn't not even done anything.

You're too "pretty" to be taken seriously in the workplace, so you are usually passed over for promotions or given preferential treatment (always with something expected in return)

Basically, you're too damn pretty to do ANYTHING else, or serve ANY OTHER role than to be pretty...

*Grabs my phone and car keys and try not to be called "stuck up" today....

Hmmm...sounds like my life. My mother, a teacher, was told by a 14 yo student that i would be hot when I grew up (I was 6). I had been sexually assaulted by 10, offered porn jobs at 12, gotten a teacher fired for making sexual comments about me age 13, was constantly referred to as "the pretty one" despite having a genius IQ, speaking 6 languages and having written my first novel at age 10, I was engaged to a good-looking lawyer at age 15 (yes, I am white). My father was a model in Sweden and my mother in Germany and France, but they were opposed to me modelling. But that didn't stop me from having an incredibly uncomfortable childhood. As a gymnast, everyone would always downplay my achievements saying I had only won because I was beautiful. You only held down a job bc you are pretty. You only got those grades bc you are pretty. Boyfriends wasted energy worrying about my faithfulness while I refused to wear makeup and dressed in three layers of baggy clothes so I wouldn't get noticed by the opposite, or the same, gender.

by **crystal_richardson_** » Sat Jan 17, 2015 2:25 am

You know what I think the problem is here?

This curse of beauty thing in childhood wouldn't be a problem if we weren't expected in adulthood to develop other things which we are now.

Think about it, if all women, as they were for most of human history, were just expected to be housewives and mothers then they wouldn't worry about having to get approval in other areas.

You resent your childhood because you were subsequently expected to be more. Essentially, you were ill-prepared.

You don't resent how you were treated for being relatively pretty, you resent that this ill-prepared you for your adult life increasingly characterized by being involved in traditionally men's stuff.

because women in other cultures don't have these problems...childhood experiences are consistent with adult expectations...same with boys.

by **Marmotini** » Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:09 am

crystal_richardson_ wrote:You know what I think the problem is here?

This curse of beauty thing in childhood wouldn't be a problem if we weren't expected in adulthood to develop other things which we are now.

Think about it, if all women, as they were for most of human history, were just expected to be housewives and mothers then they wouldn't worry about having to get approval in other areas.

You resent your childhood because you were subsequently expected to be more. Essentially, you were ill-prepared.

You don't resent how you were treated for being relatively pretty, you resent that this ill-prepared you for your adult life increasingly characterized by being involved in traditionally men's stuff.

because women in other cultures don't have these problems...childhood experiences are consistent with adult expectations...same with boys.

On one hand I get what you are saying...but then again no. In my current on again off again relationship, I feel like I'm sometimes not being listened to on something as simple as my own feelings, let alone things like political opinions, because he is so distracted by my looks or wanting to have sex with me, and I know I invited and perpetuate this because at some point I agreed I was an object who loved being adored as a hot girl, so subconsciously attract men who gratify that self perception, "I love your body, I love your hair, I love your boobs, I like your earrings or nail polish, I'm sorry let's stop talking so I can grope you"....of course it's not like that every single minute, but there are definitely moments where I am actually shocked that he doesn't care what I say and will try to automatically smooth things over with compliments or sex, or something banal, instead of taking what I am saying seriously. I was in a six year relationship with someone who took me more seriously intellectually, but still felt gleefully satisfied to inform me that I had better not get too uppity, since men only like me because I have big boobs, in order to "prevent" me from cheating, in his mind this was a real risk, even if I went to church.

I totally get that it's possible that society may expect too much from the average person these days, be everything to everyone or be good at whatever you do, and I even questioned back before I accepted my HPD diagnosis that society was just judging me unfairly for having "an artistic temperament" that I am just a passionate, lively, sensitive person who occasionally gets on people's nerves because I am brave enough to express my emotional state and might be seen as a "bad" woman for liking sex. There's that. Except there's actually something called Dramatic personality that is the HEALTHY well adjusted version of the Histrionic, so no, probably not, especially since being a dramatic asshole and over capitalizing on my looks or sexuality has actually caused me great pain at times, and I do it to myself.

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