HPD, infidelity, I've ruined my marriage

@ruinedgirl;

I'm much more passive/less assertive and introverted in real life. Due to my sensitivity it really hinders me and holds me back.

I crave attention and nurturance and those underlying needs have never changed nor decreased with time, no matter how self-aware I've become. When I'm alone and don't have attention, I feel invisible, un-noticed, non-existent. I get really depressed and feel worthless. I feel like crap.

I get jealous about many things, but that would take too long to explain.

Some times I am expressive, but I'm mostly introverted. I am not theatrical or seductive. I read once (couldn't find the link now) that the difference between extroverted and introverted histrionics are in how they garner attention. Extroverted types are more likely to be seductive, while introverted types are more likely to gain attention through somatization/hypochondria, which fits me extremely well. Which also plays into the victim-playing and so on.

It's amazing when I look back when I wasn't aware of myself and can see how I acted. It seemed normal to me. What little surface awareness I had, I knew I was different from most people, and Ioved being that way. It made me feel special and unique, and I took a lot of pride in who I was and in my personality. But it never really occured to me that anything I was doing wasn't normal. I was just different.

In relationships, I was always mirroring them, taking on their traits or likes, being a chameleon. I never thought it was pretending (that I'm aware of), it felt natural to me. Never aware that I was being what they wanted and I was being highly manipulative, and all just to secure that attention and nurturance that I needed so much. Something that I was terrified of losing once I found, too.

Rinse, repeat.

It's easy to get so caught up in your own needs that it blinds you.

It amazes me how much your last post sounds like me. I am introverted as well, almost shy. In a group setting, I don't like attention. I feel uncomfortable. I like exclusive attention, I want to be everyone's favorite friend and what not. I get jealous if friends have other best friends and stuff. But I come across shy a lot. I feel awkward and out of place. I have noticed ill dress to be noticed, low shirts, short shorts, etc but im not seductive. If a guy notices me or talks to me, I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I want people to like me but I'm so self conscious they'll see something they dont like, which doesn't make sense at all. I'm also a hypochondriac. I dont think I do it for attention but of course I do talk a lot about what disease of the week I have. Hmm. Interesting. You and I are a lot alike

It's interesting that you wrote you over-react to things. I do this as well. But what many people may not realize, is that it's not an act. If I get triggered it triggers strong feelings in me, and I get overwhelmed and can't help but to feel overwhelmed and over-react to it. Act in the moment without thinking just to relieve those feelings. I get overwhelmed and feel helpless and feel like I can't handle it on my own.

Some times I have been a little dramatic as an act though. Just manipulating to get something I wanted or whatever. But most of the time though it's a reaction to overwhelming feelings.

As with attention, it depends on the kind of attention it is. I feel uncomfortable in group settings too, but I like being on display for everyone at the same time. I like to dress nice, I dress uniquely and I like standing out in a crowd, but I can't push the boundaries as far as I want because I'm so sensitive. I'm very sensitive to criticism and disapproval from others (which is why I'm so appeasing and non-assertive in real life), and is often why I would give in to social pressures. I don't think my mirroring was just a way to get attention, but also a way of protecting me from un-wanted attention (being criticised or disapproved of for something I did).

So there are times when I really like to stand out, and some times I just want to blend in.

You sound extremely self-aware for someone who was just diagnosed. It's taken me more than a year of solid introspection to get this far in my self-awareness.

I am the same way with the drama and what not. I always just thought I was over emotional. I am dramatic and like you said, sometimes I cant help it. Something triggers it and I have to let it out. Its a very strong emotion and I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't react. my husband doesnt understand that, it may seem crazy and ridiculous to him, and an extreme reaction but for me in that moment, its very very real. have been purposely dramatic as well to get attention, or to manipulate a situation as well. Theres been times in the middle of a very dramatic moment (a fight, a break down, whatever) that I've actually wondered why I was reacting that way but I felt like I was too far in to quit, to admit I was in the wrong so I purposely kept it going. I think sometimes I do it just to get a reaction. I do manipulate people and never noticed or realized that before. I like to be on display too, I like to see people look at me but like you, I don't handle criticism at all. I get almost angry if someone criticizes me and I cry easily about it. I really cant handle it. Its hard for me to accept blame. I have trouble with empathy. My feelings are strong but its hard for me to care as much about others feelings. Its hard for me to grasp how they feel. If someone dies, of course I feel bad for those affected but if I've done something wrong to someone, its difficult for me to grasp how that person is feeling. I put the blame on others and can't accept fault. I wish I was self aware. I realize I do all of this stuff and I've known something was different with me for a long time, but I never wanted to admit I had a problem. I wish I knew who I was. A lot of the time I feel like I'm just floating through life existing but not really living. I feel numb a lot as well. I don't think my emotions or feelings are like most peoples. I feel empty a lot and blank. You seem very self aware as well. Most of what you write fits me exactly. When were you diagnosed?

My latest diagnosis was fairly recent, but I was first diagnosed last year.

My feelings are strong but its hard for me to care as much about others feelings. Its hard for me to grasp how they feel.

I'm the same way, but I lack affective empathy. I'm mostly flat, but strong feelings get triggered. But I noticed some time back that my feelings are always ego-centric. If they're only relevant to me, otherwise I don't care.

I see a lot of similiarities between us and it's nice to find commonality with others here.

Let me say welcome to the board!

About the issues that you're facing, sorry that I have no advice for you.

blank_identity wrote:...
Let me say welcome to the board!
...

So agree

While it's been a difficult and emotional topic, respect for your open sharing ruinedgirl

Thanks guys! Its nice to find people who understand and who share some of the same issues...makes me feel less alone and isolated. Thank you both for not judging me horribly and for welcoming me. Its nice to have a place to vent and share your thoughts so openly.