My 2 Cents

I'm starting to realize that a big issue i have in life is not being able to tell ppl if i care about them, because I usually avoid it by de-valueing someone or a million other reasons. I won't tell them because "I really don't feel it, I am just imagining I do." If I don't know the differences between reality and what I imagine the situation is, who's to say I actually care? But when someone shows you they care about you, and that they still love you though they are hurt and scared. That's when i can relate to them, it's like a glorious moment for my soul.
"I" am not as important as "we." Lately, I have been realizing that the people friends/romantic I care about...care about me too! Even if they don't show it, it's probably just because they are scared. Maybe even as scared as me. People need each other AND when people are hurt by those they love, they can massacre other ppl's heart without a care. This is the sad, poetic, beauy of life. But it is just that, beautiful. You have to love wether they are an emotional vampire or not. And I am willing to put my pride aside for someone who loves me, because I love them too. And when you have love nothing else matters.
But the HPD thinks they are "below" love, that no one could truely love them. I am opening up to a new world, in which everyone is an HPD. Everyone is scared to be emotionally vulnerable. And life is so much more beautiful, poetic, and yes, even dramatic that way. After all, you cannot have a real drama without your heart on the stage.

Good post lostHPD.

You are starting to see others as people and not objects which for an HPD really deeply thinking about things helps them to do.

Continue to think hard on life and you will pull yourself through the fog of the disorder and I do believe once you get official therapy it will pull you the rest of the way.

that's very sweet (group forum hug)

yes deep thinking sparked it but it was the fact that other ppl were showing true caring for me that really stuck. because in high school years, most people feel a little lost and alone anyway. i find it very helpful to spark up a friendly conversation with someone when no one else is around...that's when it's easy to subtly let people know you care.

I have experienced my HPD dwindling away, and once i deal with abandonment issues, i strongly think it will be gone. (knock on wood)

But...i still need help.

Listen, when I am trying to be genuine and vulnerable, it seems people are giving me less attention just to be cruel. When I looked back on today (an emotional day), I realize that the behavior of the people around me had not changed; and that in my mind they were giving me much more attention/praise before, when that was only slightly the case. (Let's face it, ppl like the attractive HPD and confident NPD)

Last night I kind of had this moment alone with this guy, and there was like a 'love stare' moment. Well, since then I have thought that we were 'meant to be,' and he is the sensitive kind who would not hurt me or tease me. But here's the problem; I was planning to show all of my love the next day and be so joyous, and it was supposed to be this huge landmark day where i'd tell people how much i really cared and just shock them to death...well, i could barely sleep that night, and i spent all day depressed. i could not wipe this frown off of my face and i wanted to cry at one moment. it's just, i wanted to tell people i care about them, but they weren't acting in a caring way. i mean they were being their normal selves with their friends, but they barely noticed me, maybe just to be mean because they're mad. I was going through Narcissistic withdraw and i could not hold out the entire day without some 'ulterior motive'. i just can't tell ppl i care because the ones i do care about are the ones i have already hurt, and they are still trying to get back at me.

at least i know what i resort to in times of feeling unloved, visions of me as a powerful dictator! the problem is i need constant attention and affection in order to be my better self & not subjected to depression and anger, which spark the usual PD reactions. but ppl are just not willing to show this much love in everyday situations & i'm sick of tricking ppl into loving me!!! If they don't care then I won't care! *@&#$^#(*@

ps- have u ever heard of the NPA theory?