Am I dealin with an HPD?

I am 27 years old. I have been dating and living with my beautiful 21 year old girlfriend for 3 years. While I was at the gym that I go to I met a woman who is an aerobics instructor at this gym. She is 39 years old but very attractive. She is in incredible shape and certainly does not look her age. Actually she is pretty hot. Anyway, we started talking one day. We went to get a bite to eat. I told her that I was living with someone but that things were not so great, which was true at the time. To make a long story short, the next time I saw her was at her house, and I slept with her. Over the next two months things moved quick. We were sleeping with each other almost every day. Sex was great and we had a great time together. The whole time I was telling her that my girlfriend was going to move out but she had to give me time to work things out which she agreed to. One night she showed up at my house, ringing my doorbell and hysterically screaming trying to wake up my girlfriend. When she finally left, she came back 15 minutes later and did the same thing. She kept doing this ALL NIGHT. Foolishly I kept the relationship going for another week, when she came back again. This time my girlfriend was there and she told her the whole story. Now she will not stop calling me. She tells me how much she loves me. I tell her how could she be so in love after two months when she knew I was seeing someone else. If I do not answer her phone calls she comes to my house or job. She will show up at my house at all hours of the night ringing my bell. She cries hysterically about how much I hurt her and about the pain she is in. When I tell her that she is waking up my girlfriend and it is not fair to her or my roommate that she is also waking up she says that it is my fault for what I did to her. She calls my girlfriend on the phone and tells her every intimate detail of what we did when we slept together. I tell her that this is mean and malicious and not right to do my girlfriend who did nothing wrong. She says that the girlfriend deserves it for being stupid enough to stay with me. She talks to my girlfriend one the phone and tells my girlfriend that she, the girlfriend is a good person and that she cares for her. My girlfriend asks that she stops calling her and myself because it hurts her. This women agrees, but never stops calling. She is also constantly touting her accomplishments and showing off all her awards. When she does call me she feels the need to validate her self by saying thing like “ I was number one salesperson, I help people, I love my family, I love my students, I have a masters degree,…etc.” She is very smart and very attractive. Anyway, based on what I said, is she hpd?, npd?, both or maybe something else?

"I tell her that this is mean and malicious and not right to do my girlfriend who did nothing wrong."

Well I hope you know that what you did to your girlfriend by sleeping with this other chick was mean and malicious too but anyway...

The other woman definitely sounds like either an HPD or a BPD.

HPD's will call you with the manipulative hysterical crying but BPD's who do that will also go the extra mile of trying to confront you and not letting up.

So she could be either one or both.

Really though they are the same disorder basically with HPD being the lesser of the two and thus getting its own diagnosis seperate from BPD.

If you want to know how to get rid of this woman there's a few things you could do...

1. Act pathetically in love with her as that tends to be their goal with every relationship as once she has conquered you in that way she then feels validated and can move on.

2. Restraining order.

3. Tell her if she doesn't leave you alone that you will out her condition to everyone she knows. Some HPD's and BPD's get the message when a guy threatens this and others don't care. Only way to know if it will work is to try it if you don't prefer the other two methods.

What do you expect?

You slept with this woman every day for a couple of months??

Over the next two months things moved quick. We were sleeping with each other almost every day. Sex was great and we had a great time together. The whole time I was telling her that my girlfriend was going to move out but she had to give me time to work things out which she agreed to.

You promised her things that were lies??

You had no intention of letting your poor, unsuspecting,probably devoted girlfriend know that you were banging someone else every day???

Please - she isnt HPD or BPD or ASPD - but your lack of remorse/compassion for deceiving people might mean that you are.

I would check it out if I were you.

Starz, cheating is quite natural, especially for guys. What the OPer did places him in a very large majority of men who have done the same thing. Instinctively, our bodies tell us to spread our seed, thats just a fact of life. Some men can override their biological inclinations so as to suit social expectations, and some can't (or don't want to).

Hey Dig

I agree to some extent that men have been somewhat programmed to sow the ol wild oats. But to say that a woman is HPD because she is clearly upset that she has been deceived and lied to, is a bit rich.

Men can sow their oats, but they do not need to be in committed relationships should they wish to do so, nor need to lie to the women involved.

Fine, if he gives the women a choice as to whether they want to get involved and allow him multiple person sexual encounters -perhaps they too would then have their own 'OP' sexual encounters.

I wonder how Joe would feel to find out that his beautiful girlfriend of 3 years was sowing her wild oats with someone else every day for a couple of months - and the guy was the one to let him know about it??

Unfortunately, Joe played with fire, hence, Joe got burned.
Unfortunately so did his girlfriend, who clearly deserves better.

Ah well, im sure his girl will probably be having a think now and a bit of a look around herself. Why not? He has set the stage for this type of relationship and wont have anyone else to blame but himself when she does.

Oh I totally agree, within the bounds of our social values, Joe simply cannot expect to pull that kind of $#%^ and expect everyone to be 'cool' about it. I thought you were implying that him cheating was in itself a disorder, but I now see you were in fact referring to his attitude on his cheating (or complete lackthereof). It was indeed a little egotistical, and quite reminiscent of how I would have handled the situation (as an NPD) in a watered down manner. "I cheated on my girl, then ditched the girl I was fooling with. Now she has a problem, WTF?!?!?" Though I sincerely doubt him to be that self-absorbed so as to not even understand the girls response, let alone suggest it to be a result of a personality disorder she may or may not have. Maybe she just has abandonment issues. Maybe she is just feeling old. Personally the only person that really pops in mind in this situation is his girlfriend. What of her. He doesn't mention how she handled the fact that he was cheating on her, why she's still with him, how he feels about the way she feels, or anything. As such, I imagine it could be possible that he has systematically destroyed her self esteem (unless she didn't have one to begin with, lots of guys like that) so that she will just take this kind of crap as her lot in life. Sad thing is that it'll happen again. And again.

Maybe that was an extreme reading of the above situation, but I'd deduct from entirely circumstantial and theoretical evidence that this guy has a serious case of NPD, or an even worse case of D*ck.

At the very least he is just some jock who doesn't give a damn, and is waving his hands in the air at the mess he's made. Yes the woman is irrational, but people tend to ct that way when subjected to stress.

Sure, he's no angel but ...

The thing is that in his story he didn't ditch her. He hadn't broken up with her AND she came around in the middle of the night.

AND now she's not just making his life miserable but everyone elses and blaming him -- when she knew he was potentially occupied. And at 35+ years of age and the speed with which she allowed the relationship to become sexual, you'd think she had enough experience to know what she was getting into.

It is not obvious that she has HPD. IMO she would simply look for attention elsewhere and not keep coming back. Her actions seem more authentic than those that you associate with full blown HPD types.

ray wrote:It is not obvious that she has HPD. IMO she would simply look for attention elsewhere and not keep coming back. Her actions seem more authentic than those that you associate with full blown HPD types.

No, no, no.

I'd give her an 95% chance of being NPD/BPD.

5% chance of HPD.

Just my call. I barely skimmed the paragraph.

Edit:

Describe the sex in some lacking detail. Was it all about you? Her?

Its interesting that so may of these people (including myself) who get caught up with HPD/NPD/BPD relationships begin such relationships while one of more of the participants are in a relationship with someone else. I would like to blame this completely on the HPD/BDP/NPD, but I cant help but wonder if there is something about "us" that makes us more attractive, more likely to engage, or more likely to be targets of those with these disorders.

You cant help but think "you reap what you sew".