bad night... venting.. tw

I'm getting really freaking stir crazy lately. i don't understand why life is so hard. I thought I was having a good day yesterday and then somehow everything with my boyfriend just went wrong. This is what I get for being dependent on him. But i don't even know what happened. He got pissed off that I was ignoring him and started choking me and hitting me (which i told him I wanted from other guys before bc he said he loved me too much to hurt me but it didn't feel genuine while he was doing it and he was yelling at me for not acting turned on, actually I was laughing at him and telling him to do it harder) and he even tried to reinflict a trauma I had with my dad. Then after that he ignored me and I started seriously seriously wanting to die, I just felt paralyzed, cuz I have become so inhibited to acting in life that I can't even take action to kill myself, I really wanted to but I was paralyzed, just had to live with the torture of being conscious, and it hurt so bad, I couldn't take it. I don't know, then I just wanted to leave, maybe go out and die in a ditch somewhere, so I left the house in the middle of the night, here in the middle of nowhere, but it was so buggy out for being so late and there was nowhere to go.

Man, I hate life, I'm more stable now, not drunk anymore and stuff but I keep having nights like this lately,like as soon as I think I'm being good. Anyway I'm just still so reluctant to act, it seems to hard to get out of this ditch. I never have any energy lately because I'm always depressed and suicidal, it's harder lately cuz my therapist who I majorly idealize is going away for god knows how long, and I'm stuck in farm country without any independence. I don't know why I moved here for this boy, so stupid of me. Stupid... grr... I just need to meet more people but there's like nobody here and I can't drive, and I'm starting to think I won't be able to take it much longer, tonight i started thinking about calling a taxi to take me to a big city and then I could probably afford a month of rent going on adventures all the time before I dropped dead.

Is anyone else this broken/alone??? I feel so alone. Don't you ever just want to go back and be a child again?

Hey vertices,

Quick question.

You mentioned being drunk when this went down. Was your BF drinking too?

xdude wrote:Hey vertices,

Quick question.

You mentioned being drunk when this went down. Was your BF drinking too?

Yes... a little...

I was going to be good and not even drink for a long time then he brought home booze .He thinks I'm not into him enough that he has to get me drunk.

But I was thinking about what happened last night and it was like, wow, my life is seriously at the point where that was hardly even an event. I don't know how to be traumatized anymore. Well this morning he started offering to buy me $#%^. hr knows he screwed up. I just can't find it in me to care. :/

Vertices, I am so sorry for what went down and how stuck you seem to be at the moment.Is there anyone else trustworthy you can go stay with?family..trusted friend?It doesnt matter if you were drinking,or if your boyfriend was drinking,no one has the right to lay a hand on you,verbally,emotionally abuse you.That man has problems that you cant help or fix,only he can,when he is man enough to admit he has a problem.NO real man abuses women,or anyone,anything for that matter.Once in the comfort zone of abuse,they will continue,using any excuse out of the book on how you started it,deserved it,etc.It doesnt stop but gets worse.I can understand why you feel the way you do.Please dont let this one person,or the situation you are in right now,rob you of your joy for a happy life,which you so DESERVE.This doesnt have to be a permanent solution for you or your lot in life.There are options out there,sometimes you have to ask for help,or look outside the usual box.I understand you are rural and isolated..That is how abusers like their victims,isolated.Seek help..I am so wishing you peace and happiness and love in life..XX...hugs.

Vertices, I couldn't have put it better than Starbright

Vertices, I am so sorry for what went down and how stuck you seem to be at the moment.Is there anyone else trustworthy you can go stay with?family..trusted friend?It doesnt matter if you were drinking,or if your boyfriend was drinking,no one has the right to lay a hand on you,verbally,emotionally abuse you.That man has problems that you cant help or fix,only he can,when he is man enough to admit he has a problem.NO real man abuses women,or anyone,anything for that matter.Once in the comfort zone of abuse,they will continue,using any excuse out of the book on how you started it,deserved it,etc.It doesnt stop but gets worse.I can understand why you feel the way you do.Please dont let this one person,or the situation you are in right now,rob you of your joy for a happy life,which you so DESERVE.This doesnt have to be a permanent solution for you or your lot in life.There are options out there,sometimes you have to ask for help,or look outside the usual box.I understand you are rural and isolated..That is how abusers like their victims,isolated.Seek help..I am so wishing you peace and happiness and love in life..XX...hugs.

Please keep yourself safe.

N'awww thank you... Honestly. I know I shouldn't be putting up with this. but, my sanity is so fractured at this point. I really really just wanted him to kill me last night, not that he was going to or anything, I mean don't worry about me too much, he actually does care about me, but I mean I would have been 100% ok with it if he had just killed me. I don't know.... I'm just tired :c

Anyway It turns out before we started arguing he found something I wrote about seeing other guys, which, he has no reason to complain about at all because he agreed to an open relationship and I told him several times you didn't have to agree to it if you didn't want it, but whatever. That's why he did that. So I just said I forgive him. Guh..

I mean I know I should probably leave, but I just do not honestly think I can take care of myself in the adult world....

But, I kind of do want to find another guy instead... there's this guy I'm talking to and I sort of like him and he seems to be really into me, but I can tell he's sorta psycho too... I kind of don't care though honestly.... I can tell he gets off on me not minding when he says something that is just going a little too far, and honestly it's sort of hot. I mean to be wanted like that, rather than just being like, taught a lesson by your insecure boyfriend

Hi vertices,

I agree, and from personal experience, physical/psychologically abusive relationships are not likely to get any better (and are likely to get worse) if nothing changes. You are facing the very real possibility of the situation getting worse, and facing the possibility of greater harm.

I couldn't really tell if you are hoping to salvage the relationship or just feeling like there are no alternatives and waiting it out until something better comes along. If it's to salvage, a couple of things you could take the lead on, if you want to -

Do you think he'd be open to no booze for a while? It sounded like you were willing to skip it, but then he brought it, and it didn't end well.

I personally think a lot of people think they can handle an open relationship (intellectually), only to find out that they really can't (emotionally). I don't know how important that is to you, or him, but if it's important to you and he really can't handle it then it's not likely to work. That's something that needs to be faced, or put aside, etc., or he is very likely to grow increasingly jealous and abusive.

xdude wrote:Hi vertices,

I agree, and from personal experience, physical/psychologically abusive relationships are not likely to get any better (and are likely to get worse) if nothing changes. You are facing the very real possibility of the situation getting worse, and facing the possibility of greater harm.

I couldn't really tell if you are hoping to salvage the relationship or just feeling like there are no alternatives and waiting it out until something better comes along. If it's to salvage, a couple of things you could take the lead on, if you want to -

Do you think he'd be open to no booze for a while? It sounded like you were willing to skip it, but then he brought it, and it didn't end well.

I personally think a lot of people think they can handle an open relationship (intellectually), only to find out that they really can't (emotionally). I don't know how important that is to you, or him, but if it's important to you and he really can't handle it then it's not likely to work. That's something that needs to be faced, or put aside, etc., or he is very likely to grow increasingly jealous and abusive.

Thanks... honestly i dont know if we can make it work. I dont know if it ever should have been what it is. I dont kniw if I would still be here if I truly had the choice. I cant bear to think about it though.

I talked to my friend tonight who has all my problems and it just reiterated to me that life is too much, i dont know. We're the girls who are always trying to join that first clique, who are always naively dating that first boy, who are always doing stupid things to fit in, but we will never, ever fit in, because we can't feel it. I love people who can't love me back. That's why I'm in a failed relationship. I'm just longing for the next guy who can't possibly love me back.

Why do you think you feel the need to be in such relationships?

Placid wrote:Why do you think you feel the need to be in such relationships?

Idk.

It just feels natural.

My stalker is trying to manipulate my best friend to get to me again, that's a good example. That's the kind of person I connect with. He's a psychopath and a pathological liar. Y'know, really ######6 creepy. and it's all I can do to not start talking to him again cuz around healthy people I just feel dead and I get really insecure. Around people like that, it's just so natural. I feel alive and somehow human. He has that hollowness that I have too but I try to cover up. Everyone that gets at all close to me is a cluster B, or else they inevitably get hurt because they have the wrong ideas about me. It's so effortless to talk to PwPDs, as friends or lovers. And I need someone who can't value other people cuz it is the perfect match for me who can't value myself.

I wrote this down earlier, it all makes sense when I put them together:

My stalker:

-Seeks out and Initiates with people ( targets)
-No empathy (directed at others)
-Hurts others to see self as in control
-Unable to respect boundaries
-Pathological liar (tests bonds/boundaries by hinting at the truth)
-Represses awareness of others' needs and feelings
-Fear: I have no power over others

me:

-Advertises but Initiates with nobody (responds to everybody)
-No empathy (directed at self)
-Hurts self to control others
-Unable to set boundaries
-Self-deceptive (tests bonds/boundaries by realizing the truth)
-Represses new self-insights and awareness of own needs
-Fear: I mean nothing to others


I mean I do this, I have these moments where I sit there trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I figure it out, but then the next day I wake up and it's gone, I'm still living in my broken self, still playing games. I'm probably going to end up talking to this guy again. I just know that if I do I'm gonna end up on some rusty hook in his closet. Cause when he fishes for a reaction he's telling the truth, and he loves to talk about torture.