Making myself crazy

I don't know if he is bpd or a narcissist or a psychopath, all i know is he exhibits behaviors of bpd. And I feel like he is empathetic, but I am driving myself crazy. I am bpd with hpd but I'm losing my mind over what he did.

I'll bite: What. did. he do?

We have been together over a year. We spent literally every second non-stop. He broke up his only long term ex for me. There was no possible way they could have had any contact when when we were together, Bc we literally never left each other's sides. In July he got arrested, he actually took blame for something i did. We spoke everyday on the phone, and if she visited, it wasn't often Bc I was there like clockwork and he never knew if I was coming for sure. In October, he sent me a letter she wrote him, he ripped off the return address Bc he knows I'm crazy lol. Well I held the envelope to the light and got the address and went to her house. She is much bigger than me and gross so that made me feel better. So i trusted him even more than I already did. He spent 8 months in the box (solitary) so we couldnt talk on the phone, but i visited all 8 months. We wrote back and forth everyday. The last month he told me that he didnt want me to have to travel to see him behind glass-in 1 month I could come on regular visits and we could talk on the phone regularly. After a few times on the phone he began accusing me of having a man in the house. I made a huge deal of it, crying and denying, how could he even THINK that. So for four weeks straight i did nothing but research...NOTHING! He didn't want me to visit and sent me letters about my betrayal. The first visit he wanted to forget about it, but I wouldn't let it go, and he got mad and abusive, then would be extremely provocative. I kept saying he was crazy and after a couple of times he got really upset. I left even more determined to find out what was wrong, low and behold bpd. I was so happy to have a name for it. The next week I went and didn't really bring it up-we spoke about moving on and this time HE said we can only write. I left feeling good, until the next morning I was very low, I needed someone to talk to. I called his friends wife all week with no reply until Thursday. He said he'd been trying to call and there was no $ on the phone. I had put $ on the phone and that's when i had my epiphany. He was full of $#%^. I started to put everything together and realized that he didnt just start talking to his ex, he was talking to her the whole time. He kept me #1, and i got a sick beachfront apartment for us-have everything set for our future. Then he wrote me a letter that says he had two gifts for me one would come in the mail and one he would "present" in person. I was imaginging her being there. Then I walked to my door to find 2 boxes with gift baskets from him. The next day mothers day he called me a million times. I never answered. The next day he called me once i picked up and he hung up. I wrote him an evil letter just saying I never loved him and i am moving, haven't heard from him since. I realized i have made a mess of my life and I also have bpd, i had one session and was professionally diagnosed. The thing is i love this guy and i have different thoughts with my different moods. I have made a mess of my life. I just want to work things out with him. I cry, sleep, get a burst of energy and the cycle repeats.

-- Thu May 22, 2014 10:24 am --

We have been together over a year. We spent literally every second non-stop. He broke up his only long term ex for me. There was no possible way they could have had any contact when when we were together, Bc we literally never left each other's sides. In July he got arrested, he actually took blame for something i did. We spoke everyday on the phone, and if she visited, it wasn't often Bc I was there like clockwork and he never knew if I was coming for sure. In October, he sent me a letter she wrote him, he ripped off the return address Bc he knows I'm crazy lol. Well I held the envelope to the light and got the address and went to her house. She is much bigger than me and gross so that made me feel better. So i trusted him even more than I already did. He spent 8 months in the box (solitary) so we couldnt talk on the phone, but i visited all 8 months. We wrote back and forth everyday. The last month he told me that he didnt want me to have to travel to see him behind glass-in 1 month I could come on regular visits and we could talk on the phone regularly. After a few times on the phone he began accusing me of having a man in the house. I made a huge deal of it, crying and denying, how could he even THINK that. So for four weeks straight i did nothing but research...NOTHING! He didn't want me to visit and sent me letters about my betrayal. The first visit he wanted to forget about it, but I wouldn't let it go, and he got mad and abusive, then would be extremely provocative. I kept saying he was crazy and after a couple of times he got really upset. I left even more determined to find out what was wrong, low and behold bpd. I was so happy to have a name for it. The next week I went and didn't really bring it up-we spoke about moving on and this time HE said we can only write. I left feeling good, until the next morning I was very low, I needed someone to talk to. I called his friends wife all week with no reply until Thursday. He said he'd been trying to call and there was no $ on the phone. I had put $ on the phone and that's when i had my epiphany. He was full of $#%^. I started to put everything together and realized that he didnt just start talking to his ex, he was talking to her the whole time. He kept me #1, and i got a sick beachfront apartment for us-have everything set for our future. Then he wrote me a letter that says he had two gifts for me one would come in the mail and one he would "present" in person. I was imaginging her being there. Then I walked to my door to find 2 boxes with gift baskets from him. The next day mothers day he called me a million times. I never answered. The next day he called me once i picked up and he hung up. I wrote him an evil letter just saying I never loved him and i am moving, haven't heard from him since. I realized i have made a mess of my life and I also have bpd, i had one session and was professionally diagnosed. The thing is i love this guy and i have different thoughts with my different moods. I have made a mess of my life. I just want to work things out with him. I cry, sleep, get a burst of energy and the cycle repeats.

Megs135 wrote:I wrote him an evil letter just saying I never loved him and i am moving, haven't heard from him since.

That ba$tard!

Well it was after I found out about this ex and that he told his entire family all this horrible stuff about them, smear campaign... And I acted out of impulse

Megs135 wrote:Well it was after I found out about this ex and that he told his entire family all this horrible stuff about them, smear campaign... And I acted out of impulse

Ah, now that makes more sense.... I can't stand the smear campaigning crap. I was basically vilified by my ex and rejected by her entire family and friends because of her lies.

I just don't understand it?!? Then the gifts? I was certain if I went to visit him he was gonna have her waiting there in person. But my mind goes crazy as well. I really need to get off this low it's the worst. I missed 2 sessions in a row with my therapist.

Megs135 wrote:I just don't understand it?!?

Me neither. However I did read an interesting post on sanctuary for the abused which said that one of the strongest indicators that you're dealing with someone who has a personality disorder is smear campaigning. I didn't get much closure with her involved. I had no choice but to reach my own understanding of her illness, and then simply chalk it up to bad luck coupled with my failure to give her numerous red flags much consideration prior to letting her move in with me.

Megs135 wrote:I really need to get off this low it's the worst. I missed 2 sessions in a row with my therapist.

Agreed. Best thing you can do in this situation is to take care of yourself. Brighter days ahead. He is his own rainbow. Don't let his confusing actions twist your mind too much. I eventually just had to let it go. I'm now very thankful she's no longer in my life.

Megs135 wrote:I just don't understand it?!? Then the gifts?

If you are correct about him being intimate with her at the same time he is with you (that's the same impression I got too), I would think the gifts were his way to make amends with you for the trouble he caused when he was reconnecting with her.

Megs135 wrote:I really need to get off this low it's the worst. I missed 2 sessions in a row with my therapist.

I'd be in a slump too if I went through what you did. You're thinking clearly and forward though, and that's a good thing.