Question for clusterB and HPD women +others about no contact

How would you act in the following situation.

You've been seeing a man (main supply) for a coupla years with occasional periods of 2-3 months of going out of town. The first year you mostly idealized him and he did things for you without letting you walk all over him i.e. you shared expenses, were submissive to him, had a lot of sex etc. You also occasionally saw other men for sex and were married (the husband supported you financially but you only spent very little time with him).

In the second year you both move to a different more traditional (patriarchal) country and he stops doing some of the things he was doing before (e.g. wants you to buy all your own alcohol and makes you pay all expenses for club outings; wants you to cook more and wash all the dishes while this was shared before). You both become more irritable, the push pull increases, the mutual vengeful behavior increases, you both start leaving one anothers apartment where you are at the time; then reconnect later. You play jealousy games by "accidentally" dropping the condoms from your purse even though you don't use condoms with him.

Things like this occur:
One day at your apartment, he leaves on an outing (he typically does not say where). Even though you stopped smoking, you buy a pack of expensive cigarettes and a bottle of vodka and are drunk and raging when he comes back; you accuse him of sleeping with someone else and declare that you are going to do it to with 10 men and will come back in 8 hours. You say that you'll invite him to the club later but you don't call.

You go out of town for 2 months. In the first month you often call while he is sleeping due to time difference) and when he does not respond you write "fvck you" followed by suggestive selfies in the club and attempt to cause jealousy. You are annoyed that he is not immediately responding.

He either ignores your messages or cannot answer because he is sleeping.

Eventually he gets tired of this and texts you not to call any more (he does not want contact with you any more). You suddenly switch to a sweet demeanor and attempt to get him to call you by sending sweet messages and asking if you want to buy him something with a gift certificate he gave you to buy something for him (but you did not do it for months). After not responding for 2 hours to your multiple calls and messages he texts that he can't talk now but that you can call tomorrow if you are in a good mood and obedient (he often uses the term obedient for you; you don't necessarily mind because it's typical in the country you are from and you can be somewhat submissive when you are together).


Before the next day he sends an email describing what you need to do if you wish to continue contact with him. This includes obedience, pleasant behavior, not expecting immediate return of calls and respecting his time schedule and time difference. That if he asks you to buy something for him you'll do it immediately wihout playing games. If you have an agreement about something there will be no further changes or adding a lot of things to the agreement. He wants you to not call or visit at all if you are going to play games.

The next day you respond by email saying that you don't agree with everything in his email and that it's best to cease contact. He does not respond.

You don't contact each other for a week.

1 What would you do/feel if he called you after that week.

2 What would you do/feel and when if he did not call you at all.

3 How would you feel about him and the situation.

4 Would you think about this at all or would you just continue with your life and activities with the fan club and men from other relationships.

Hey where8 -

I know you've posted similar questions over on the Significant Others Family, and Friends forum.

Likewise you've PMed me asking similar questions, for which I have no answers but what happened in my specific case.

I'm doubtful you'll find the answers you seek on this forum either, as no two people are exactly alike, there are no crystal balls, but I'm going to go ahead and leave this post on this forum in case anyone who struggles with HPD has some thoughts/advice.

thanks. I really appreciate your answers and help via PM.
I thought it might be interesting to attempt to get the perspective from this side. In some way it's helpful to me to hear the opinion of others...

xdude wrote:Hey where8 -

I know you've posted similar questions over on the Significant Others Family, and Friends forum.

Likewise you've PMed me asking similar questions, for which I have no answers but what happened in my specific case.

I'm doubtful you'll find the answers you seek on this forum either, as no two people are exactly alike, there are no crystal balls, but I'm going to go ahead and leave this post on this forum in case anyone who struggles with HPD has some thoughts/advice.

where8 wrote:1 What would you do/feel if he called you after that week.
2 What would you do/feel and when if he did not call you at all.
3 How would you feel about him and the situation.
4 Would you think about this at all or would you just continue with your life and activities with the fan club and men from other relationships.

1. unknown
2. I guess I'd consider my role in the relationship and try to understand how I contributed to its demise, and move on.
3. I'd respect his wishes and move on.
4. If I really loved someone I'd try not to lash out at them anymore and just continue on with my life. Live and let live. There's always your fan club and sausage supply.

For one thing, I would have agreed to his conditions if I wanted his attention badly enough. I actually would have felt turned on by him taking the time to consider rules to help our relationship. What helps me settle in relationships is that I make the guy (I never feel insecure about relationships with girls bc they're a dime a dozen) promise he would tell me if he ever wanted to stop being friends, lovers or whatever.

That helps me a lot. If I can get a thoughtful promise, and know he's not a liar, I will stop reacting to perceived threats of abandonment because I know the end of our friendship will be discrete. This helps fight the urge to blow up their phone, especially if I can have faith in him. I just have to remind myself that he respects me enough to tell me about changes in our contact, and that anyone who leaves without a word knows you're stronger than them and thus is intimidated or knows they couldn't assert themselves against you or be zen enough to end the relationship distinctly.

A flaw in your questioning is that I don't know how important he was to you before you stopped talking. Assuming you want his love badly, my reactions would be as follows:

1. I would be excited. I'd feel like the world is a place of endless possibility. I'd be a little skeptical, thinking perhaps he's trying to teach me a lesson or perhaps he's in cahoots with an enemy, but I'd be too eager to not look into things and treat myself to some badly needed praise.

2. Depending on the strength of my interest, my thoughts about him would decrease in either quality, quantity, or both. As he ignored me, I'd find reasons to be mad at him, try to convince myself to be angry or that I have the objective right to anger. But ultimately I'd be afraid to execute this anger because I want him to want me, so I try to use things that will make him feel bad for leaving me or that make it seem like I don't care. I can either act aggressively by assaulting him in some way, or I can act passively but with the same amount of energy. This manifests in temper tantrums or just "scenes" in general. I have a pipe dream about faking psychosis in the presence of someone I am disappointed by.

3. If he was really that great and I had minimal reason to believe in reconciliation, I would embrace my swan-song and exploit love for the tragedy that it can be.

4. I would interact with my fan club more impulsively but also in a more shallow way. I would try to be as reckless and young as possible. I would try to shame him for his decision by having crazy amounts of fun with other guys. I'd do that to prove to myself that I'm attractive and great and also to see if I can make him jealous or something. I would make him aware of what I was doing, but not why unless he asked me if that was the reason why.

1 I'd roll my eyes and smile a little much...I win, and I'd have confirmation he is just blowing hot air, he is addicted to me. He will always cave.
2 never ever talk to him again, maybe it's just me but as long as you ignore me I am never initiating contact again.
3 tentative
4 probably be thinking about other people by a couple days let alone a week. I would have meant what I said in that email. Again, he stops contact and I'm done with him, cuz we already established he's not worth it as things are, it's stressful to think about beyond that.... you have to understand, again, maybe this is just for me, but? If someone is ignoring me, my attachment to them... poof. It's gone. I'm pretty black and white but at that point having anything to do with them, again, it's enormously stressful, it takes so much out of me to do that with someone I'm not idealizing. If I'm idealizing them it's different, I'll push everyone else away a little more until I have them again, but if i wrote that email, I'm probably not idealizing them.

I wouldn't think anything of it, maybe a little reflection in the past but that is about it.

You sent him an email and told him you don't want to date him anymore, so that's it, you move on and find someone else to date. What's the big deal with analyzing your feelings about it, just don't think about it and move on, it will only hurt you in the long run.

what I really don't understand about your behavior, is why did you suddenly switch to a sweet behavior? - it was over right there, right at that moment in time he got fed up with you and walked out.