self therapy and break up

Hi,

I am new here. I have had a break up some time back.
I suddenly discovered a pattern in my behavior. Earlier I always attributed it to the guy. However this is the second time that I have observed very similar destructive behaviors in myself.

In the puppy love stage everything is fine, he loves me dearly and I am happy with myself. Then a conflict appears. The conflict mostly revolves around the time being spent together, which I find too little. The last person I was with had a depression and I did things like sitting in front of his door for hours, banging on his door and even being verbally (often) and sometimes even physically abusive. I could not understand how he would not meet my needs, and cried like a child. Once it was over I had a few months off relationships, where I engaged in casual contacts with other guys, which made me feel even worse, but I always felt I would need it for my self esteem. I have analysed a lot of my behavior, but I am having troubles following my logic knowledge. Often times I feel that I have a logical understanding, but my feelings are either too strong. In the sense that I feel huge anxiety if my ex boyfriend rejects me and I can't be by myself.

This time I moved continent as it was initially a long distance relationship. I had a bad start and now I feel very alone. On the other hand I am not in the psychological condition to meet anyone right now. I have also a diagnosed depression, but I feel that maybe the depression is just another symptom of my lack of self love. Right now I feel completely incapable of establishing healthy relationships with new people, which I would need because I am away from home. I feel completely shallow and have nothing to share with people. Now that my exboyfriend turned away from me, after I had the same game, I realized that there is something very wrong with me, as a pattern emerged in my relationships. My exboyfriend felt abused, he told me several times before the breakup. But I could only see myself coming the long way and blamed him for being here, because I do not particularly like the place. He sustained my blaming for 8 months, it went to the point that I got jealous on him being with his friends more than me. Logically I understand that he did not want to be with me after all the abuse, he burried himself in his work and spent about 8 hours a week with me on around two days. I felt so unappreciated. I know this is stemming from my low sense of self.
What I also realized is that the whole world has to revolve around me.


Regarding my interpersonal relationships here which are few, I feel that I have nothing real to give.
I fear other people because I have this thought of being uninteresting, which makes me grow quiet. The only time I can interact is in one on one relationships with people I believe to know. This diagnosis made me feel more isolated, because I have told a person. And suddenly I had the feeling he was scared of me, even though I just tried to be honest. I feel a pressing need to fix myself. Not superficially but in depth. I feel the need to find my personality which I consider lost. There is nothing. That feeling of emptiness, which is scary to me.
I forget things a lot because they just seem to pass by. My memory for insignificant things like locations is amazing. But my memory for articles, books and emotional event seem to cease very fast. I feel that with finding my true self, I would establish a framework in which those informations could find a place.

I want to ask you who went on a path of healing what you did.
I understand that I have to find the hurt in my childhood. The problem is that my memory of these emotional events is very shallow. I can barely remember my childhood. I know a few things, that I have been rejected by my peers until age 18 until i left school. And that I have been throwing immense tantrums at age 2 when my sister was born. My father is possibly narcistic and HPD was possibly also in my grandmother. My mother was shocked when she realized how similar we are. And when I told her I wanted to take time off to heal myself, she labeled me a drama queen and said this is not how adult life works.
How do you find the time to work on yourself between all these emotions and responsibilities?
How do you find an ability to not logically but emotionally relate to people?
And what steps did you take to heal yourself?
I want to stay alone for some time now, without a relationship. But in the end I would really want to pursue a long lasting and fulfilled relationship. I always considered this an integral part of my adult life. But I feel that train has passed in the sense that I can't really trust myself. I have destroyed my ex boyfriend emotionally. He is a very good guy. I am also feeling sorry for it in my logical moments. But in my emotional periods I hate him, I have split him for a long time now. It is sad.

Please anyone who has ideas about treating oneself let me know how you went about getting a sense of self worth and a sense of self in general.

Thank you very much!

And most importantly he is living just next door he moved out a while ago. Which I couldn't handle well.
What do you do if your emotions get so intense that you just have to see him. He is scared of me.
Everytime I see him I get another rejection which somehow confirms my self image. I know it is bad for me but my emotions just run errands with me.
What is a strategy to apply. I try meditation, but in these moments it is like my emotions take my feet and run over to his place....

Thank you and sorry for the long post!

Hi tastatur -

Hopefully some other people can chime in with what is working for them. You wrote a lot of insightful thoughts, but I did want to comment on this small piece:

tastatur wrote:...
What I also realized is that the whole world has to revolve around me.

Regarding my interpersonal relationships here which are few, I feel that I have nothing real to give. ...

From a certain point of view it's true for all of us. The world does in a sense revolve around all of us as we really only experience the world from our own point of view. We feel our emotions, not others (though we can indirectly empathize), and we experience our own thoughts directly, while others at best we experience indirectly (i.e., what they tell us, what they share with us).

That's a very lonely way to live though, when everything is just about us. From a certain point of view it's also a safe way to live, but for many of us (and it sounds like you too), we don't want to go through life entirely alone.

Anyway I think many people deal with a sense of isolation, just in different forms - withdrawing from others is one way to isolate ourselves, but it's also possible to be extremely outgoing and yet still be isolated if others never get to know the real us, and we never get to know the real them.

Which leads into my question:

You wrote that you feel you have nothing real to give. I'm curious what you mean, like what is something 'real' that others can give that you aren't able to (or can't?) give?

Hi there,
I understand your position tastatur, every symptom and example you describe. I also suffer from Histrionic Disorder and just like you have a hard time to figure out where to start my treatment.

I did not diagnose myself like you did. I was absolutely unaware of anything being different with me. I was blessed to meet my ex boyfriend, whose love was strong enough to analyze my behaviors and he come across this disorder.

Just like you I don't know how to help myself. I can control some behaviors, dress appropriately, limit my interaction with people who don't bring anything to my life ---before everyone seemed to be my friend, even if they were unaware of it
I catch myself seeking attention, and when I realize I try to take charge. However those moments also give me anxiety and I don't know how to act assertively and I lose thought, words, act weird.

With every error or mistake I make at work, at home anywhere I feel like failure. I used to have stupid/silly conversations with my coworkers or random people. Now if I do that I feel like my histrionic personality might be coming through so I stop having those interactions. Just like you I feel like I have nothing to offer to people. Worse in the past I developed very liberal views. I thought in order to get the bit of attention or appreciation from males I had to give myself out. I did not have any regrets. Their pleasure gave me satisfaction mentally, filled my ego, made me feel attractive, wanted etc. I never realized how much harm I was doing to myself and how realization of this poor behavior makes me worthless of any dream I might have had (building meaningful friendships and one day, family).

I too feel sad and depressed, as any action I take to 'fix myself up' feels like I am being histrionic and tricking myself, or others may think that I am trying to trick them. Consciously, I have no evil intentions, I don't want to hurt anyone or make them believe that I am someone that I am not.
I also feel scared of being lonely, on the other hand I think that's what is best for me, so no one has to suffer with me (...even that might be a sign of histrionic disorder- me victimizing myself).

How I want to cut this circle and be the good, normal me.
If someone managed to get some help, please share.

Dear Testaur, I m a HDP diagnosed.
In m'y lige I have accumulated up to now So many moments like yours after having acted naturally with my character,which is not at all natural (we know) so strategically with my character always so precise in analysing the situations and so precise in adapting to each situation like a sticky pastry!
I feel empty when alone after playing my life outside and when alone and on my personal judgement, I go paniquing about what am I doing who am I.Always I find myself never satisfied deeply for me myself ,but winner when I could succeed things asked from others.job family love...
I think that I do not know what happiness is because if I have it for one moment I believe it will last for one moment and not more and that I do not deserve it or better, why such lights on me?? There is a big contradiction,because I look for the light but when light is on me from outside,I do not believe that and I cannot keep the moment and would like to run away.
This is to tell you what I did recently to change the stage.
I decided to do something entirely but principally choosing to go for the,best and for the WORST,even deciding to know I will suffer and will not stop!
So, I decided to go ahead in that moment where I feel bad and not admired and criticised.
I found the opportunity in the relation with a Narc, the heaviest personality to face for us that need complaisance .
This is to tell you that I am sure that you like me have a strength inside which is given from our capability to face the light and we are capable to stay in that light that we like to touch but that we run away from usually .We must believe that there is normal things after the light that we must see but if we always run away from anything different to our plans we run away from us and will not build ourselves.We do mot want to build but just want to touch and to run away,ok we are permanently revolutionary, but like a butterfly . There is one day I think for each of us to take a decision to suffer completely to the end for something ,please, try to believe in something,even if it is your ex boyfriend, be strong in a feeling,it will fix you,to normality,but it will give you a sense .
I am trying to and fighting against the world that knows me like the kind and available and there for everybody and now I am limiting my life to the essential,to a few things ,loosing my self esteem sometimes and detesting me but living and not flying.