Losing Patience

poop $#%^ bitch

JohnBoy...
There is an old saying...
"If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck and feels like a duck ... then its a duck!"

You say you have this feeling that she is just telling you what you want to hear. Then your intuition is probably right. Mine did the same to me and at one point she even admitted (post breakup) that a lot of the things she said were because she thought thats what I wanted to hear.

Thats called manipulation. If you are right in your suspicions, she is trying to get you in a place where she feels comfortable and has the control .... where you are thinking that you are comfortable in her beliefs, attitudes and behaviours. Because she has no real capacity for empathy, because she doesn't really even know who she is or what she believes in (apart from her own need for attention), she is mirroring back to you what she thinks you want to hear. Does that make sense?

There is nothing of an "adult relationship" in what she is trying to do here ... its all about control and manipulation for the greater goal ... attention, caregiving, sympathy ... whatever, as long as you are attending to her and her needs.

There is no real cut-and-dried answers to your questions, so let me just tell you about my situation in the terms of your questions.
A. Can I ever really trust her or believe what she is saying to me?
I still don't trust my ex and I never will. Just in the last week she has sent another letter to me this time apologising for her antics during and after the relationship. She stated in the letter that she has no "ulterior motive" in her apology ... but I know that her divorce will be finalised pretty much any day now ... I feel that she is trying to soften me up for more attempts from her to get back with me.
B. Is she definately going to cheat on me?
I don't know if my ex ever cheated on me, but I am suspicious about one weekend. However I do believe that if I continued in the relationship she eventually would have. She does have a history of cheating on her (soon to be) ex-husband ... including her affair with me.
C. Is it possible for her to ever really care about me or is this going to be simply a case of "she needs me to take care of her"?
I think with mine she sort of did care about me ... but I feel it was more in the context of "if I care for him, what's in it for me? .... what will I get out of it?"

As far as making it bareable goes, a relationship with an HPD sufferer will be difficult. Read my post http://www.psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=11676
about half way down the post is my view on how it would be to deal with an HPD long term.
I stress MY VIEW ONLY. I am not an expert.

Good luck.

There are two types of HPD which I've learned of.

The passive aggressive appeasing histrionic type that is a lesser case of HPD that goes more towards Dependant Personality Disorder than sociopathy.

And

Disingenuous anti social Histrionic Personality Disorder which is heavy on showmanship and heavily towards sociopathy with all the deception that comes with this type ie lying and all that jazz.

It is my belief that the anti social variety of HPD causes the most problems for the most people.

The more harmless passive aggressive appeasing HPD type really only causes stress for their partner by how much that HPDer needs your attention and time to feel energized and good.

Anyway it is my belief that your girlfriend fits the anti social disingenuous histrionic type like most HPD victims girlfriends or ex girlfriends on this forum.

"A.) Can I ever really trust her or believe what she is saying to me?"

Therapists say go with your gut instinct when it comes to believing what an HPD says to you. Its kind of funny this is the case as I read some HPD literature that says HPD's often go with their gut instinct on people and its usually wrong. If they'd back up their gut instinct with facts, logic and critical thinking then they could go with it but as is in their natural state they make most important decisions without really thinking them through. Anyway though as long as you really think about what she says to you before making a gut instinct judgement call on it then you can properly choose to trust or distrust her words to you.

"B.) Is she definately going to cheat on me?"

The type of HPD that I believe she is, its pretty much a certainty I'm afraid to say. When I had my discussions with the HPD on this forum who goes by the name of Mylife she told me that its not that she wants to cheat and lie. She simply has to do this because if she doesn't she becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and depression and in her case therapy with the help of many different doctors didn't really seem to help her be able to stop all this without feeling the anxiety and depression coming on. So this will likely be your girlfriend's motivating factor as well. Yes they do get the natural fun out of it a normal person would but primarily they do this bad stuff as a distraction to ward off once again the anxiety and depression that comes with the more severe HPD type.

"C.) Is it possible for her to ever really care about me or is this going to be simply a case of "she needs me to take care of her"?"

Well she is an HPD remember. She can only care about you how an HPD cares about a person ie her idea of really caring about someone is much different than that of you or I.

I guess what you'll have to do is encourage what you want to see out of her towards you caring wise and reward it with praise.

No, its not what you or I would consider to be the natural way of having a relationship but its the best you're going to get with an untreated HPD.

"I am not a jealous person, I am a fair person but I always get an unsettling feeling that she is just telling me what i want to hear... I don't feel like she truly means the things she says to me."

That same feeling came over me with my ex. Your feeling is right.
We don't often want to believe such things though because that breaks
our illusion of perfect love that these severe HPD types create for us.

"She recently told me she loves me... she would never cheat on me and makes a huge issue of my trust in her. I want to trust her and believe what she tells me but there are so many great liars out there and from what I have read on these forums very few if any are better than histrionics at lying. Please help me, is this terminal for my relationship... Am I being played like an idiot."

Here's a phrase I read in one of my books on the Cluster B Personality Disordered...

"Who but a liar would go to great lengths to say how honest they are?"

And here is one I made thats a variation on that which I believe gets the point across in a more telling way...

Who but someone who doesn't really love you will go to great lengths to say how much in love they are with you?

Get my meaning?

As for being the best liars...that award goes to the ASPD's.

As for this being terminal for your relationship well...

I'd suggest you rent the movie Blue Sky and watch Tommy Lee Jone's character closely.

He told his children that he decided a long time ago that he was going to love their mother despite her faults.

I believe that your girlfriend is the worst type of HPD and is cheating on and lying to you.

You will have to make the decision if you love her enough to overlook all of that and just love her for the good times and inspite of all this.

That is if she won't try the therapy route which may lessen her hurtful actions towards you and self destructive actions towards herself.

"I would also just like to say that I am not in the slightest a gullible person... I am not an overly emotional person and I am sure as hell not the type that gives in to her temper tantrums."

Thats good if you plan to stay with her because I can see her trying to control you through anger ie you question if she's cheating she will throw continually increasing violent temper tantrums and if you were the type to back down she could effectively get what she wants out of you in that way ie her main guy who she wants for HPD reasons that won't give her any trouble and just let her cheat up a storm without confronting her for fear of anger backlash.

"I feel like she is only with me because she can't conquer me... she has said that she has broken up with every one of her past boyfriends because they cater to her. I wont do that..."

You'll have to keep doing that to keep her.

"but I also want a real relationship... not a hoax where the only reason she is with me is because I am still wearing the pants. Thankyou to anyone who responds I really just want to learn more about this and what if anything I can do to make this more bareable."

If you want a real relationship you will end this one with her and seek out a normal woman.

Not an easy thing to do for sure but something you must do if thats what you truly want out of life because you won't get it with her.