My Wife, need opinions

we have been married seven years. let me discribe her. always has makeup on. flirts with any male from age 3 to 80. she must always look good, car must always look good ect.
three times in seven years I have endured her affairs with other men. the trigger to the affiars is usually something that would require her to deal with a stressful situation. most of the time (90%) she is a warm loving shallow person to me and her family. she is a poor communcator except when attraction has her attention. she is very likely to be quiet for part of the day when it is just her and I together,but if we go out in public or say to her parents she becomes outgoing and very attentive to others. she has be spoken about as a "actress". I have learned to recognize this behavior the moment it starts. she is somewhat this way all the time but has a knowledge of right from wrong. Then , almost every two years or so, it all falls apart, I see it the moment it happens. You can not even talk to her about it. she goes about distructive behavior to our marriage and also to her family with total disreguard of the pain and damage. During this time she will personality shift when her attraction is not around... becoming more intune with her behavior. say the current male attraction calls, then it is back to denial, deception, lying, and takes no responsibility at all. she will say. "this is what I want and I will do it no matter what."
she also becomes more attached to much younger people at this time. She is 29 but now spends time with her 13 year old neice and her attachments(boyfriends) daughter who is 11. she acts similar to them and here world is totally dependent to the new attachment,(boyfriend) and the two girls.
the relationships with other men happen in a split second and over the smallest thing. she then lives to please them. usually a month or two later it is back to reality as she knows it.
she does not have some of the other symptoms.... but as I read about this, it just sank in she is so close to histrionic. She seeks attention ,will not deal with difficult situations, lyes, uses others to gain what she wants, over emotional about sex, promiscuous, total disregurd for others, child like. opinions please!

"she also becomes more attached to much younger people at this time. She is 29 but now spends time with her 13 year old neice and her attachments(boyfriends) daughter who is 11. she acts similar to them and here world is totally dependent to the new attachment,(boyfriend) and the two girls."

Well its not surprising.

To be HPD is to be somewhat trapped in the mind of a child.

People with it bounce back and forth from their child self to their mature adult self and constantly have an internal war going on over which side is in control.

"the relationships with other men happen in a split second and over the smallest thing. she then lives to please them. usually a month or two later it is back to reality as she knows it."

Meaning she is now bored of them and its time to go back to her main guy ie the HPD parental father figure that being you.

"she does not have some of the other symptoms.... but as I read about this, it just sank in she is so close to histrionic."

Most people don't fit all the criteria of a certain diagnosis and a person really doesn't have to in order to be diagnosed as something. They just need a certain number of the traits and those traits have to impair their lives and hurt others in the process then its labelled a personality disorder.

"She seeks attention ,will not deal with difficult situations, lyes, uses others to gain what she wants, over emotional about sex, promiscuous, total disregurd for others, child like. opinions please!"

With the help of an HPD and another poster on the forum I recently discovered that HPD's have zero empathy.

Before from what I gathered with my own research I was thinking this varied from HPD to HPD and that a few of them had traces of empathy.

Turns out I was wrong and this total lack of empathy explains why HPD's do what they do.

Here's the main definition of empathy so everyone who reads this topic can see it.

empathy:

Noun
1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Without this key human trait HPD's need to constantly seek attention and love from the men they target as even though you love her dearly she having no empathy cannot put herself in your shoes and feel and know that you love her. Intellectually she knows that you do but this lack of empathy is why she keeps attention seeking for it as well as attention.

She is never satisfied and can never get enough attention and love because she cannot hold onto the feeling that she is loved and adored without constantly getting re-assured of this through you and other people pouring it on her.

This again goes back to the lack of empathy.

This lack of empathy also explains why she can so coldly cheat on you.

She cannot put herself in your shoes so she doesn't feel your horrible feelings about what she is doing and has done with those other guys.

She knows you have feelings, but she doesn't feel you have feelings so to her she can easily rationalize her cheating behaviour as ok knowing with her disordered mind that because you will forgive her and take her back its probably not hurting you all that bad. How wrong she is.

The lack of empathy does not excuse their horrible behaviour on others and keep their activity from being called evil as other posters would have you believe but it does explain why they can do a lot of the things they do so coldly.

Why do I think they can be held accountable for what they do as being evil actions?

I hold this view because intellectually all of them understand what they are doing is wrong. They are not beyond that realization even without empathy.

The personality disorder itself doesn't make any of these people evil.

It is the actions they take when they know those actions are wrong that makes them evil in the moment.

Its up to each HPD to choose to take control of their lives and seek out therapy and get treatment for this disorder as of Cluster B it is the most treatable from what I've read.

These people may not all be able to be cured but some can and even those who cannot, can be greatly helped to stop being so hurtful to themselves and others.

In closing even the BPD women say that their personality disorder is no excuse for the bad things they have done to others and these women are arguably worse off with their condition than HPD's.

So again I say an HPD is just as capable of evil as a normal person is.

Its just that their lack of empathy explains how they can do evil things easier than a normal person can.

An HPD's intellectual capacity lets them know right from wrong so they are not exempt from being evil even without empathy.

Well, if she doesn't get help, this will happen again and again, no doubt about it. If she does seek therapy, it may happen with less frequency, but her fidelity will always be in question.

Maybe you need to look at yourself instead of her and ask yourself two things:
1. What do I want in a lifelong partner?
2. How do I deserve to be treated?

You cannot control her actions, you can only control how you react to them. If you want to stop hurting, maybe you should leave her. Especially if she refuses treatment, or her treatment is unsuccessful. This may sound harsh, but you have to take charge of your own life and your own destiny.

Obviously she is an HPD. The fact that she does not manifest all the symptoms all the time does not detract from this in the least.

My big mistake in diagnosing my own girlfiend with HPD was expecting her to manifest all and only those symptoms in the list for HPD, although she also showed signs of Sociopathic and Narcissistic disorders too.