trying to be normal

I have been researching a lot about hpd recently. I have always known there was something different about me.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety regularly throughout my life and have always struggled to understand other people and relationships. I used to think I was slightly autistic because I cant relate to other people. I have also considered that maybe I was bi polar or have npd but nothing has made as much sense to me as hpd. I cant afford professional treatment which is why I am here for some support or ideas.

I have been trying to change my behaviour since I recognised that attention was my goal in all situations but I'm really struggling to be happy. I have been limiting my attention seeking behaviour but I dont know what to replace it with. Normally when I'm sad I meet up with some guy I know who loves me and I talk about myself and make him more obsessed because it makes me so happy. This behaviour was automatic, I wasnt trying to be cruel, it feels like an addiction.

I dont know what to do to be happy now. I have been avoiding men so I dont say anything inappropriate or sexual but I'm so empty and I feel alone and depressed.

I have been keeping busy working, eating well, exercising and meeting friends but it is all just routine without the flirting and attention

Hi Jupgirl and welcome to the HPD forum
You know, if you try to hard to be normal, you can be less normal.
Instead of maybe trying to be somebody else, I would try to start thinking dialectically...something that you own, from your own thoughts. Like for example, you say you know what intense flirting is. Now, write down it's opposite, let's say, a poker face. Then, envision an intermediate behavior that arises when intense flirting and a poker face collide. Then, try to do all three behaviors in front of a mirror, for the "feel" of the intermediate face and behavior.
In life, we all are histrionic to some degree; we must play different roles to different people, and do so comfortably, and with some authenticity. Think of a fireman, who one hour must help a little girl and her Mom get their kitten out of a tree, the next, resuscitate a heart attack victim.
Imo, some of the most important differences between being histrionic and "normal" is normal people have a wider repertoire, their roles aren't as intense, and they move more fluidly from one role to another.
Of course, all this is much easier with a qualified therapist, because the best ones are also coaches for learning role play -responding in healthy ways to all the different people we encounter. And they are the best people to determine whether or not you might have HPD, or maybe just some traits. Diagnosing yourself can be like trying to paint your own potrait using the mirror in a make-up case. Which is not to say we shouldn't recognize abnormal traits within ourselves, but for the best determination that you as a human being deserve, hold off on any decisive conclusions until you have been diagnosed by a professional.

Hi again
But I also think it is good that you are exploring HPD and learning about it.

One thing that sometimes makes me cringe is maybe people read up on a disorder and think they have it, then become it, and it wastes their time, at least for a while.

We all tend to recognize such traits in ourselves. I would just continue to explore, and file the information away for later possible self-evaluation. If someday you are diagnosed with HPD, this knowledge will help you, and you should then communicate it to your therapist.

jupgirl wrote:I have been researching a lot about hpd recently. I have always known there was something different about me.

It is not possible to self-diagnose. The mind can not correctly perceive itself.
While it is possible for a person to recognize that there is a problem, only another (trained) person can determine what that problem might be.

... I have suffered from depression and anxiety ... struggled to understand other people and relationships ... slightly autistic ... maybe I was bi polar or have npd [etc...]

Those could be symptoms of any one of a dozen problems. They could come from simple stress. It could be one of the major problems like you mention. Again, a person can not diagnose himself.

Do you know I had heart palpitations because of the stress from my marriage to my BPD wife? Yes! I thought I was having a heart attack! I had to go to the hospital because they were so bad. The doctors thought I was making it all up until they saw the EKG. This went on for almost two years but the doctors could not find a cause.

Wanna' know something else? I haven't had a single skipped heartbeat since the day my divorce papers were signed. Not one!

If the stress from my bad marriage caused me to have phantom heart attacks, what might be the cause of your feeling bi-polar or autistic? It could be one of a dozen things. Couldn't it?

How are you going to find out? Professional!

I cant afford professional treatment which is why I am here for some support or ideas.

Not always true. There are community organizations that can help.
When I was in college, I went to the State Mental Hospital for therapy.
They have an Outpatient Services Department. You don't have to get committed to get in. All you have to do is fill out the paperwork and apply.

They look at your income and charge you on a sliding scale. When I went there, I only had to pay $25 per week. I know some people who got therapy for free.

Ask around. Get somebody in-the-know to help. You can get therapy if you look hard enough.

I have been trying to change my behaviour...

I dont know what to do to be happy now.

50% of solving the problem is to know that you have one in the first place.
The other parts of the equation are to get a therapist (see above) and to know that you're not going to solve this problem in two weeks.

Question: How long did it take you to learn this behavior? Your whole life, so far. Right? What makes a person think that, if it takes years to develop a problem, that it will take a few sessions on a therapist's couch to solve?

The secret is to just keep working at it and to keep trying. If you do that, if you put in some honest effort and don't give up, you have a very high chance of succeeding.

You've got 50% of your problem under control, right now. All you have to do is keep persevering.

I have been keeping busy working, eating well, exercising and meeting friends...

Smart!

...it is all just routine without the flirting and attention

Who said that OTHER people have to pay attention to you in order for you to be happy? Why can't you pay attention to yourself?

Remember the old saying, "You can't be friends with other people until you are a friend to yourself, first." You're already working out, watching your diet and minding your work. A pretty good start, right there. Isn't it?

You might be doing a pretty good job at it, already. You just might not recognize it.

Keep on keeping on! You'll catch on!

Thanks for your replies. I dont want to be one of those people who diagnose themselves but I have just been looking into hpd lately and recognised all of those traits in me. I have other problems but my main problem is with my relationships with others. I am really struggling to keep positive but to be fair I have only just started trying to behave properly since Friday.. I think maybe youre right in that I'm doing better than I may realise... This takes time right? I have only flirted with one married friend and text one guy I dont like and I even turned down a booty call from a different guy I dont like.. Notice there are a lot of guys I dont like.. In my life I have only ever fallen for 2 guys who both pulled away from me after I made it clear we were not in a monogamous relationship and I gained a lot of respect for them and became obsessed.

I actually dont live in the usa so our healthcare is different to yours. My friend offered to pay for me to get professional help yesterday but I said no because it was my manipulative ways that actually managed to get him to offer this in the first place..

I keep thinking to myself il just give up trying because I can make myself so happy being the center of attention but I feel like ive exposed my own problem now and it feels false when it never did before. Like I used to go on dates with men because I knew they would love me straight away and I could leave them wanting more until I need attention again. Now I imagine that situation and I keep thinking they dont really love me because I'm special but because I'm manipulative and I pretend they are amazing to get what I want..

I am trying to imagine the intermediate behaviour and feeling like you suggested but it's pretty difficult.. I wish someone could follow me around and tell me when I do something weird.

Please feel free to ask any questions because it's nice to talk about this

Hi JupGirl
Regarding the HPD diagnosis, I don't know how old you are, but be aware that up to age 18, or even later, HPD-like behavior is more normal -one reason why children and adolescents aren't dx'd with HPD.
Whatever the challenges all of us face in life, you are correct in noting that it takes time to change, and the best eay to accomplish it is with small, realistic goals. If you try to change too much and too fast, you probably will set yourself up for failure.
Maybe start a journal, so you can record your impressions, and also reflect on the small changes you accomplish?

orion8591 wrote:...
Whatever the challenges all of us face in life, you are correct in noting that it takes time to change, and the best eay to accomplish it is with small, realistic goals. If you try to change too much and too fast, you probably will set yourself up for failure...
Maybe start a journal, so you can record your impressions, and also reflect on the small changes you accomplish?

Just to add a +1 vote to what orion wrote here, from personal experience I entirely agree, if we try to change too much too fast we are setting ourselves up to feel like "it" is impossible, and thus failure. It takes time to change, and we are much more likely to succeed if we work on small realistic goals.

Its honestly hard to hold back my anger at people on this site.

All of the above advice is terrible. I say this in the most respectful way possible, believe this is true.

1. I have HPD, I have since I was like 10 I think,
2. The first thing you should know is that people have not done any research on these "disorders", I call them differences
3. I'm so sick of society treating us like freaks. It's not bad to be HPD.
4. You can't change is #######4. Thats possible the worst advice to give to anyone
5. WHen I found out I had HPD, which it is totally possible to self diagnose, although hard, I felt like $#%^, because of this website. I plan on changing that, because people on this website are for the most part clueless
6. I think the biggest and probably the only reason for HPD and NPD is your family and the lack of attention they show you when you were raised or even now,
7. Remember HPD's are very smart people, this disorder only happens to smart people
8. The difference is all emotional
9. Its really not the big a deal if you remember these two things when trying to "heal" or change your mindset. Its all about "maturity" and "fear"
10. Just be mature about everything and you will be fine. Fear falls under maturity
11. The biggest lie in the therapy world is anxiety. There is no such thing!!!! That word is synonymous to FEAR. Fear = anxiety. There is stress but it is complete different and manifests itself it different ways.
12. Remember that were all just people. Don't label yourself as NPD or HPD. It's ######6 stupid. Your grasping onto it to try to find your identity.
13. Stop trusting other peoples opinions, even mine (to a certain extenet haha) seriously though. Part about finding your own Identity is making your own opinions, and since HPD's are very smart people we have the ability to make are own decisons, not saying we will.
14. Just remember some people would love to be HPD, were essentially really smart adults, with the emotional span of kids. So were still kids at heart. Just think about how much fun your going to have in life, its kinda cool in a weird way, its like your a kid forever.
15. Embrace HPD, don't act like a ######6 child and let it run your life, but don't fight it either, find clever ways to manouver through your life. HPD's need attention, so your going to have to get it someway or another. So just find a mature way to get attention. remember NO FEAR AND MATURITY.
16. Just think about stuff and write a lot. And honestly don't give your family the benefit of the doubt.
17. If you have HPD, chances are they're pretty ###$ up people, and you need to let them go.

I'm just so sick of people putting us down. If you got hurt by someone with HPD, get the ###$ over it. honestly, stop crying about. HPD's especially, stop playing the victim, thats the worst thing to do, just realize that thats your emotion playing tricks on your mind. Control your own emotion.

Its really not that hard to be happy and lead a succesful life with "HPD." Just think things through.

P.S Btw I'm 19 years old. I diagnosed myself with HPD about 4 months ago. I have been working through it mostly on my own and with friends. And no therepists do not know everything, in fact i would say that it would be much harder for a therapist to diagnose someone or help someone then themselves. I'm sick of people letting people with "HPD" act ALL LIKE THEIR LIFE IS RUINED AND THAT THEY SHOULD BE THE VICTIM. My parents don't love me, all they love is money. My 21 year old sister, mom and dad don't respect me at all. They act like they are all mature, when really they are the children. They are the cause of all of my problems, well more like the root. But honestly I don't ######6 care anyone, you can't point the finger at people for the rest of your life.

Well, just about done. I would love to hear any feedback from people,

Thanks,

Is intelligence in the DSM criteria now? Haven't read the 5th one...

we are perfectly willing to try and help you in the best way we can if you have specific questions - but please try not to lash out on people try to help you.

you seem angry HT

I diagnosed myself with HPD about 4 months ago.

It is not possible to diagnose yourself.

There are no sensory neurons inside the brain. The brain can not tell if something is wrong inside itself. Since the mind is a construct that is created inside the brain, the mind can not sense itself. If the mind can not sense itself, it can not perceive itself. Perception is key to diagnosis. Since the mind can not perceive itself, the mind can not diagnose itself.

Sigmund Freud could not diagnose himself!

Oh... And just to point out... At the top of your post you proclaim that you have self-diagnosed with HPD then, at the bottom of your post, you say that labeling one's self with HPD is stupid and is only a way to grasp for an identity.

In two consecutive sentences, you say that people with HPD are F-ed up people then you say that you are sick of being put down.

All I can say is, J'Accuse!