Confession - My train wreck.

...

"I know you 'victims' of abuse from HPD's will laugh at me, but i
think I have done an amazing job of supressing my true feelings
all my adult life. Of course not so good, all the time and as you
know, it only takes one dramatic reaction to send people scurrying.
Family and partners see more."

We don't laugh at you for this.

We know that denial and dissociation are unfortunate defense mechanisms of HPD.

"I have two children, adults now, who really do love me as much
as I adore and love them. I am weeping now to think that I have psychologically damaged them in some way.
But I know I must have. I have to tell them and can't bear to.
As if they don't know something is crazy about their mother?
They say I'm funny and fun, but .........."

I don't know that this would necessarily be true unless you are also a malignant Narcissist as well since HPD's dual diagnosed with NPD act very selfish and jealous and cold towards their children as they are growing up but the pure HPD's I talked to raise their children with a lot of love and goofing around which could never harm anyone in my estimation.

I suppose if you being HPD did psychologically harm them at all it likely came from the side effects of being HPD rather than how you yourself treated them ie all the emotional turmoil that results from mommy cheating on daddy and maybe alcohol and drug abuse.

Also if it wasn't that I guess if your children did see you suffering a lot as they grew up from the depression and anxiety that often accompanies HPD that might've breeded a little depression in them as well but yeah I just can't see it giving them some really horrible condition though admittadly depression can be a pretty horrible condition depending to what extent it affects a person.

"I have in the past cut friends out of my life at the blink of an eye
and NEVER or rarely thought of them again.
And yet I have worked in a job which is very much about helping
people and a great social service.
YA on the surface, I've always been a do gooder.
Now I'm really looking at why? It was to compensate for my
feeling of intense self hatred, anxiety and need to be loved.
Or is it just easier and less trouble to get attention from good deads
rather than bad ones?"

All this "do gooding" may of been your subconscious or conscious attempt to make yourself believe you were still a good person even after cutting these friends out of your life with very likely no good reason. With HPD's I've learned just about everything you do is for validation so after cutting off your friends you might feel you are a bad person but then taking this "do gooder" job and helping people in that you make yourself validated that no, you are not a bad person for cutting your friends off you are a good person because of all the people you are helping now.

Well thats what the disorder would have you believe to keep you going anyway...

"I haven't had any sort of normal reactions, EVER - have I?
How do I know what is normal and what isn't?"

Being HPD know this...

If you've ever stopped to really think through an action before taking it then it was probably normal.

Of the HPD's I've talked to and brought up this point with they have all pretty much agreed that they would've hurt less people in their lives including themselves if they actually stopped to think about what they were doing first instead of running solely on impulse or the often times chaotic HPD emotions.

"Ya. Get therapy. Easier said than done.
I can't afford it. I'm not working. I can't bear to leave my house.
I don't think I can be helped.
How can you change patterns of thinking that are so entrenched?
I'm "classically" burnt out anyway. I need to go back to work,
can't, realize why now, and facing the truth and looking realistically
at what I have to go through so I can function again is JUST TOO MUCH."

I have a BPD friend that used to cut and wanted to kill herself often.
She was never at peace and thought she was totally worthless.
Yet despite all the suicide attempts and her feeling out of control she never stopped fighting her disorder.
She wanted treatment and was hard up for money too and I suggested she try to find a free therapy or counseling
solution as most developed countries in the world offer this so everyone can be helped. She did that and is on the road to recovery.
BPD's on average are much worse off in every way than HPD's so I'm just telling you that if my friend a BPD can start to recover
(she's in her 30's btw) I know that you an HPD can recover also and probably quicker since your condition is naturally less severe
than hers but yeah only if you want it and I think you do or you wouldn't of posted this message.

"My partner of 10 years (the only relationship to last as long) is
probably BPD, from a different culture, totally unsuited to me
and we fight - although not so much in the past few years.
I adore him and realize why now - he fits all the profiles of the type I am supposed to be attracted to."

The type I've read most HPD's are intensely attracted to more than any other kind of man is the psychopath/sociopath a.k.a Anti Social Personality Disorder sufferer.

The reason HPD's are attracted to this type of man is because the HPD game is often one of endless chasing trying to get their target to love them and once that is accomplished it is game over as the HPD loses all interest in that guy either forever or just for a little while until she gets interested in wanting him to love her again for whatever reason.

Well the ASPD is the perfect candidate for an HPD's love game as an ASPD literally has no love to give and cannot love and compared to them an HPD is a total amateur when it comes to the game of human chess. The ASPD will offer the endless chase that keeps an HPD interested which is why they are so perfect together. However though all the love talk gets to an ASPD over time so typically they will end the relationship with an HPD leaving her crushed for about 30 minutes at which point she will pick herself up, dust herself off and then go and look for easier targets but in the back of her mind she will keep thinking of ways to get that ASPD back with her since its so important for her to get that one man who wouldn't love her, to love her. Validation once again.

"I feel so pathetic and wretched. My ENTIRE LIFE is a sham.
I don't have any friends, just a fan club of males.
I have repressed memories of so much thrill seeking, dangerous
borderline illegal activities in my 30's that I LITERALLY get heart
palpitations when I think that my kids might ever discover any
of it one day or if I recall any of the things I am ashamed of."

Well I think it was the GI Joe cartoon that said "Knowing is half the battle" so at least now you know.

The question is will you finally do something about it?

"My barrister friend has offered me a house to stay and have a
holiday if I want to leave my partner who peridocally gets abusive.
I'm tired. But it's not the type of tired a holiday can fix.
I feel really hysterical about my children. How to tell them.
One child (female) is extremely successful the other has major problems (male). I have always thought I was close to them.
They call me, come over a lot, we have a lot of fun, but.....
Have I been kidding myself? What have I done to them?
I know they haven't been abused, but they must have picked up
on the obvious stress and the shutting-down and repressing."

Regardless of what you have done to them if anything you can take some comfort in the fact that they seem to love you a great deal.

You should read any book by James F. Masterson he gives you the typical childhood upbringing of people with personality disorders and how they think and why. As well as what you can expect if you enter therapy and how long it will take to get beyond the disorder. His books are brilliant

I have been in therapy a long time and i am also a therapist in my career. I have an INCREDIBLE amount of insight into the whys and hows I have become this way....the big problem comes in making a decision to CHANGE these ways. i KNOW why I do what I do....I also know what I really need to do in order to change - but I also know the depression, anxiety, and fear are inevitable with this change...And I cannot seem to face that reality. Gaining knowledge is critical, but making change is that hardest part. This is OUR PERSONALITIES - that is not something that is easy to change.