Friendship issues

I am usually quick to spill my life story, including my personality disorder. I would hate to seem like some self diagnosing pre-teen who labels themselves with insomnia after one night, but I often feel like if I don't tell them about my problem when things are good, they will assume I'm lying.

With one friend, who I've mentioned before, I have never told him about my personality disorder or most of my life. This is interesting to me, because this is a friendship I really enjoy. He is interested in me and what I have to say, but for some reason I never feel compelled to tell him.

Sometimes I become like super clingy or ridiculously demanding on him, the second situation being why I write this.

Me (text): (name) can you get me a drink and bring it to class since I wrote your name on the paper last week?

Him: Are you kidding me

Me: I got my own sorry
Me: I was thirsty and I didn't think I'd have time so I grabbed at straws
Me: So if you don't want to you don't have to (puppy emoji bc puppies)
Me: I'm sorry!
Me: If you're mad, I'd like if you told me. Then I know not to bother you.
Me: But let me know because I would feel really bad to lose you over my being demanding.

Him: I was pissed

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't realize how ridiculous that was to ask, really, and I regret asking. My friendships mean a lot to me and I really hope you don't decide to be done.

Him: It's not a big deal

Me: I tend to assume everything will be the last straw. So we're friends?

Him: Yeah

Me: Thank you

I become crazy clingy to him frequently, like once a week. The one time I almost told him what was wrong with me, he replied telling me I was fine and he was just sleeping, and that was why I was going ignored. I think I'm projecting onto him by assuming he hates me when I do assume that, because I get annoyed with myself. I hold him very dear to my heart, in a pretty platonic way. I'm scared of losing him, but I'm scared telling him about HPD will only make me seem like a freak to him and I'll lose him faster. I have found a replacement for him, though I've never spoken to this replacement, but I don't want to replace him. He sometimes shows me that he really cares about me, and that makes me feel better than anything else in the world. Our friendship has actually been very therapeutic I think. It has taught me a lot about how I like to be treated, and about what I like in boys... instead of previously where I go ad hoc in composing an ideal mate so that everyone fits that ideal.

Should I tell him about having a personality disorder? Should I do it in person or over text? Should I make him promise not to give up on me before telling him, under the pretense that I know I'm a ######6 space cadet?

I care so much about him. It's not even an obsessive care either. I've experienced limerence and this is a much weaker thing than that. I can go time without contacting him, it's just that I get testy when he doesn't show up to our class together. Sometimes, I get kind of sad for no reason and think of posing suicidal threats to him to elicit sympathy, but I don't because I think he'd just think I'm a freak and leave. I did get sympathy from my hot RA for cutting myself though, so maybe it'd work. I promised my neighbor I wouldn't though, and I like to pride myself on loyalty.


I digress; should I tell him or not? And how should I do it?

i completely feel your pain/panic/anxiety but i have learned to control my feelings/words by either coming here and writing things out or talking to a friend. sometimes i make the mistake of spinning, but that comes with alcohol and then i have to suffer the consequences later...and that usually means the loss of said person but it's my own fault as my guard and impulse control is nil when i'm in that state.

can you resort to these things for a bit? try them out? write out your feelings instead of expressing them?