Love for tragedy

So, I don't know which PD's way of thinking this is, but I'm pretty sure it isn't exactly normal and it seems cluster B-ish.
You see, I have this thing with being "tragic" in lack of a better word.I dream GINORMOUS, but I lack will and strength at times which makes me doubt my future will be as great as I'd like it to be.That's why I find comfort in viewing myself as an unlucky person, a hopeless romantic, misunderstood and destined to fail even though I have the potential. That way I know that I'll always succeed, even if I don't accomplish much.I'll always be able to mess my life up by making it as dramatic as possible and then I'll be able to go out of it in style peacefully, knowing that I did SOMETHING, that I was noticed and will be remembered.I actually take pride in those thoughts because they are the proof bad things happened to me in the past and that way of thinking will get me where I want to be eventually.I have always been a huge fan of anything tragic and my dream is to be a perfect protagonist, but even I don't really get it.

I posted this on BPD forum a couple of days ago because it seemed like something self-destructive and desperate to be honest and there are even suicidal thoughts involved, but people there couldn't really grasp the concept of actually enjoying being seen as that person and it kind of has a theatrical feel to it, so why not post it here as well.

Bovary wrote:That's why I find comfort in viewing myself as an unlucky person, a hopeless romantic, misunderstood and destined to fail even though I have the potential.

That is a tragic way of viewing things.

Bovary wrote:That way I know that I'll always succeed, even if I don't accomplish much.

I think on some level you don't believe you can succeed, i.e. you feel helpless to succeed. Something about your life experiences has left you with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness instead of a sense of capability. Ways this can come out vary between people but the end result is not succeeding.

(I understand this part, I've tended to do the opposite and fight things that hold me back, but I've also taken that to the extreme to the extent where I've fought them to the point I couldn't sit down and take a look at what and why.)
I can see how accepting them is very similar to fighting them in a way which prevents you from properly processing them, or denying them. I'd reckon most people have a combination of those things going on.

Bovary wrote:I'll always be able to mess my life up by making it as dramatic as possible and then I'll be able to go out of it in style peacefully, knowing that I did SOMETHING, that I was noticed and will be remembered.I actually take pride in those thoughts because they are the proof bad things happened to me in the past and that way of thinking will get me where I want to be eventually.I have always been a huge fan of anything tragic and my dream is to be a perfect protagonist, but even I don't really get it.

Sounds like a way to make acceptance OK. Its creating a fantasy idea to protect yourself from what seems like an uncomfortable or unpleasant reality, and it only seems like an uncomfortable or unpleasant reality because you believe you are helpless to change it. Maybe you don't have the skills yet, but the most important skill is actually learning how to approach things in a way which lets you get them - once you really start to get that its suddenly a lot less hopeless.

I know this is probably a haha guess what disorder I'm posting about post, but ###$ that, this is a useful reply to what would otherwise be a useless question, lol.

Why would my question be useless? I thought of it, I wanted to share it, I wanted to see replies, therefore it is of great use, at least to me.

Bovary -

I think this is an excellent insight! There is so much I could write about this, but you wrote so much of it already. Yes, I think this is a pattern of thinking that is very relevant and common for some people with PDs. A related thought is abandonment, if one believes on some level that they can't be understood or really loved, that they will be abandoned some way some how, no matter how a relationship turns out they are 'safe' (lacking any better word at the moment).

Eventually there is the matter of what to do about it, if anything, but I think having the insight is step one.

Bovary wrote:Why would my question be useless? I thought of it, I wanted to share it, I wanted to see replies, therefore it is of great use, at least to me.

Specifically, the "which PD" side of it is useless.

katana wrote:Specifically, the "which PD" side of it is useless.

If you say so

Bowary, one thing struck me in your post. You said that there were times when you have been having suicidal thoughts. It's important that you keep yourself safe and speak to a doctor, as there is effective treatment availabe. You don't have to feel this way. If these thoughts become overwhelming, please take yourself to your nearest emergency department at your local hospital.

masquerade wrote:Bowary, one thing struck me in your post. You said that there were times when you have been having suicidal thoughts. It's important that you keep yourself safe and speak to a doctor, as there is effective treatment availabe. You don't have to feel this way. If these thoughts become overwhelming, please take yourself to your nearest emergency department at your local hospital.

Well that's the thing.I'm not really feeling suicidal, at least not overwhelmingly so.I just keep it as an option if I don't do any other significant thing.I also often say I want to do it, but I most definitely wouldn't at this point of my life.

I'm glad to hear that, Bovary. Please keep safe.

Bovary wrote:So, I don't know which PD's way of thinking this is, but I'm pretty sure it isn't exactly normal and it seems cluster B-ish.
You see, I have this thing with being "tragic" in lack of a better word.I dream GINORMOUS, but I lack will and strength at times which makes me doubt my future will be as great as I'd like it to be.That's why I find comfort in viewing myself as an unlucky person, a hopeless romantic, misunderstood and destined to fail even though I have the potential. That way I know that I'll always succeed, even if I don't accomplish much.I'll always be able to mess my life up by making it as dramatic as possible and then I'll be able to go out of it in style peacefully, knowing that I did SOMETHING, that I was noticed and will be remembered.I actually take pride in those thoughts because they are the proof bad things happened to me in the past and that way of thinking will get me where I want to be eventually.I have always been a huge fan of anything tragic and my dream is to be a perfect protagonist, but even I don't really get it.

I posted this on BPD forum a couple of days ago because it seemed like something self-destructive and desperate to be honest and there are even suicidal thoughts involved, but people there couldn't really grasp the concept of actually enjoying being seen as that person and it kind of has a theatrical feel to it, so why not post it here as well.

Is this an HPD thing? I suspect a person to be HPD and our story seems to be a kind of tragedy in some ways. At first I thought she was creating the tragedy herself via invisible walls in her head to please everyone, which really distressed me because it's kind of self-destructive, but at some point I started to realize maybe it is not a true tragedy for her, that she does not suffer from it as I do, and might even enjoy it somehow, enjoying being the victim of it. I thought she cared too much for others and decided to endure pain for herself to make them happy, but it might be that she does not actually genuinely care about those "others," but instead enjoys being the saint in this tragic story.