What sort of reaction can I expect?

I realise this is may be a difficult question to answer accurately but in general, how do HPD's - or those you only suspect have HPD - react when you offer them evidence? I know someone I strongly suspect has HPD or something close to it. I've been lurking here looking for an answer to this and am finally posting. Assuming she hasn't been confronted with this type of thing before, might she get really vengeful or otherwise flip out if I call her out on it? She isn't that important to me, really, she's not a family member or anything, just someone I fell for a while ago and am hoping to quietly faze out of my life without too much drama. Any advice, queries welcome.

"I realise this is may be a difficult question to answer accurately but in general, how do HPD's - or those you only suspect have HPD - react when you offer them evidence?"

Oh they use projection in general and projection is when a person puts whats going on inside themself onto another person ie she'll say you're the crazy one or the one with mental problems etc and not her.

Also even if you go on with how you care about her and you really feel she has this she might consider it for a second or two but then later use the HPD defense mechanism of denial and dissociation to block out that knowledge about herself as she and really anyone naturally doesn't like the idea of having mental problems but in an HPD's case to admit she has something like that goes a bit farther in that she would be accepting that she is not perfect which is very hard for most HPD's to do.

Also as for them finding out about HPD themselves. Mostly women who have it know something is wrong with them their whole life, its just that they can't figure out what it is. Lots of them never wake up to that sense of wrongness though but the ones that do typically make inquiries when they are in their 30's eventually learning that its HPD thats been causing their problems of depression, anxiety and endless failed relationships.

"I know someone I strongly suspect has HPD or something close to it."

If you really want to know if it is this that she has or something else in Cluster B I suggest you study the other disorders in this order:
1. Borderline Personality Disorder 2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder 3. Anti Social Personality Disorder.

Also you might want to read about Bipolar Disorder which tends to sometimes go hand in hand with HPD and BPD.

"I've been lurking here looking for an answer to this and am finally posting. Assuming she hasn't been confronted with this type of thing before, might she get really vengeful or otherwise flip out if I call her out on it?"

If you two have mutual friends and she really is an HPD there is a chance she could try to ruin your reputation and if not that just trash talk you a little bit as being a jerk or some such. Usually not too much to worry about if she's an HPD.

If she's a BPD though things could get dangerous as with a BPD you really never know whats going to happen next. Some BPD's are more normal than others and some are really really dangerous to a person physically and mentally as in they might try to kill you or do stuff that will really mess with your mind.

"She isn't that important to me, really, she's not a family member or anything, just someone I fell for a while ago and am hoping to quietly faze out of my life without too much drama. Any advice, queries welcome."

Well I sense she's more important to you than you are letting on since you feel the need to confront her about her disorder.

Understandable but please read up on BPD first to rule that disorder out as if she is BPD you must be very careful about how you tell her and fully decide whether telling her is important enough for you to do despite the crazy stuff she may do to you or your reputation later in retaliation. No, not all BPD's are like that but many are so you just have to be careful.

If she's ASPD and you tell her about her disorder you'll just be laughed at or ignored unless you threaten her social status by giving her the impression you will tell everybody so I don't really see that as much of a threat to your safety if you inform her she has that if she does.

Thanks for your input, KX. What I meant is that she is not a family member or a work colleague or an ex-wife sharing parental duties or otherwise someone whom under normal circumstances I couldn't just avoid, until she finally figures out I don't want to have anything to do with her. I've known her for about a year and a half, and fell for her big time in the first few months. Never slept with her, but tried. She's 33, and has said that her father's abandonment of the family when she was about 7 might be a reason she is always seeking out male company and attention. She's got about 8 she's told me about in her circle of "friends" and there are always new ones to bring up.

Since discovering about five weeks ago via this and other sites that she's probably HPD, I have not contacted her. (I checked the ones you suggested and HPD fits most closely.)

She has tried to contact me to go out for drinks, but I simply ignored her text msgs. The one time she did manage to get ahold by phone I was cordial but distant. Because I'll be on holidays over the summer, there'll be no chance of her to contact me til after then.

I don't want to have to deal with her any more, and just wish she would drop out of my life forever, with no mess. So perhaps I should ask this instead: If she confronts me with why I have suddenly withdrawn contact and become distant, how do I tell her I want her gone without provoking drama? I wouldn't be shy to tell a "normal" woman in no uncertain terms that it's over, but I've never dealt with this type of woman before, and am unsure of how to get out cleanly, once and for all.

"I don't want to have to deal with her any more, and just wish she would drop out of my life forever, with no mess. So perhaps I should ask this instead: If she confronts me with why I have suddenly withdrawn contact and become distant, how do I tell her I want her gone without provoking drama? I wouldn't be shy to tell a "normal" woman in no uncertain terms that it's over, but I've never dealt with this type of woman before, and am unsure of how to get out cleanly, once and for all."

Well there's a few ways of getting an HPD woman out of your life.

1. You could act intensely patheticely in love with her. Doing this would make her feel she's won her game and she will withdraw from you forever or just for a while depending on the type of HPD she is. If she's a plain old HPD with no NPD dual diagnosis in her even if you do the intense love act she'll probably come back seeking after your attention once she senses you have moved on.

2. HPD's live a life that is their own movie. Write a new role for yourself of a very boring person who doesn't have too much to say to her when you talk and if she asks of any plans you have tell her something that you know will bore her to tears.

3. If she asks why you are not giving her attention anymore say convingly but with no hostility in your tone "Oh, well no offense but I am only dating /going after attractive women now" Seriously man as corny as that sounds it works to really hurt an HPD and that hurt may drive her away from you. I've talked to an HPD about what really gets to them and she told me that a guy or girl could insult her in the most viscious fashion imaginable and she wouldn't give a damn at all or be hurt unless the guy or girl insulted her looks. I was amazed because there are some really nasty insults to say about women but yeah these would have no effect on an HPD according to this HPD girl I talked to recently.

And well any of these routes you could have drama to deal with but I think #2 will allow for you to escape relatively unscathed with her annoying you from time to time but eventually getting a clue that you are boring now and no longer worth her effort LOL.

I like your number 2 suggestion the best, KX - thank you! I have been very evasive and non-committal and unenthusiastic and basically weird in the limited contact I have had with her over the past five weeks. If I ever have to be in contact with her again, boring it will be.

I suppose my desire to tell her about the HPD is linked to wanting to get some sort of revenge, let her know I'm on to her. I now know that would just be an ego satisfaction on my part, not be taken seriously anyway and possibly lead to drama, so I will just avoid doing so. But I remember how I felt reading through this site for the first time: like a con artist had fleeced me months and months ago, and I'd only discovered it that very day. Damn, it is tempting to lash back, but I'm confident that feeling will dim to nothing the longer I haven't seen her.

Personally, given enough clear evidence, I had no problems with the information. This is for two reasons. HPD is just a BS psych label which has been applied to a loosely grouped lot of personality trends. It is not real in it's self. Much like cumulus clouds, which are named cumulus because they appear to be heaped up (Cumulus means heap in latin), however, Cumulus clouds are not restricted in form or activity to our irrelevant label, based upon our limited perceptions. Furthermore, of all of the sciences, psychology is the least exact, most questionable, and most frequently populated by delusional quacks. The second reason is that I don't asscociate HPD with my person. It is quite seperate. I am no lessened in superiority because I have HPD. How shall I explain? I alienate the disorder from my true self. Think of a strong man who wears handcuffs. Is he any less strong because of the handcuffs? No. Does it impede his ability to use his massive strength? At times, depending on how he manages the fact that he has handcuffs on. It can, but it doesn't have to.

Thanks for your suggestion, noinsight, but things seem to be working out for themselves. A friend pointed out that even normal people will stay away if you are cold and uncommunicative, which I suddenly was. Since I returned from summer holidays a few weeks ago she has not tried to contact me and I have of course not tried to contact her. It's over! I feel so liberated! A great feeling.

The only scenario I can imagine where I would send her a link to this forum and elsewhere would be if she contacted me out of the blue asking me why I turned my back on her three months ago.

But even then, what do I stand to gain by throwing all this diagnosis at her? I'm under no obligation to help her get her life in order. All I can see is the downside risk of her flipping out, spreading #######4 about me and - worse case scenario - having a drama fit on my doorstep since she knows where I live - with wife and family, no less. I'd sooner delete her mail unopened like I did the last one she sent. That way, the ball stays in my court where it belongs.

"I was typically initially diagnosed as "depressed' or possibly "bi-polar"

Same thing happened with my ex and her getting the depression diagnosis only.

She tried to use that to say see thats all I am but later admitted to me she felt I was probably right though she said it in a way that was reserved which I guess she felt "saved her face" if any of you are familiar with that expression.

I think it means to preserve one's self respect level I guess when fearing humiliation.

Also as I've said before HPD or BPD can be mistaken solely for depression or bi-polar disorder.

Not that an HPD or BPD couldn't have these disorders its just that sometimes the pros make mistakes about exactly what a person has.

digital.noface wrote:Personally, given enough clear evidence, I had no problems with the information. This is for two reasons. HPD is just a BS psych label which has been applied to a loosely grouped lot of personality trends. It is not real in it's self. Much like cumulus clouds, which are named cumulus because they appear to be heaped up (Cumulus means heap in latin), however, Cumulus clouds are not restricted in form or activity to our irrelevant label, based upon our limited perceptions. Furthermore, of all of the sciences, psychology is the least exact, most questionable, and most frequently populated by delusional quacks. The second reason is that I don't asscociate HPD with my person. It is quite seperate. I am no lessened in superiority because I have HPD. How shall I explain? I alienate the disorder from my true self. Think of a strong man who wears handcuffs. Is he any less strong because of the handcuffs? No. Does it impede his ability to use his massive strength? At times, depending on how he manages the fact that he has handcuffs on. It can, but it doesn't have to.

Digital Noface, It may be easier to see this as a colour blind person being able to differentiate between colours or a person being able to see for the first time or smell for the first time.. The ability to feel contrite, to introspect and as it were to throw away the dirt one finds inside, is a source of MAJOR strength, success and happiness. No offence- a strong person with handcuffs on is still no good as a weight lifter