Sexuality issues

I don't know if there is already a topic on this, heck, it might have even been by me, but I'm starting this to discuss sexuality/erotophobia/pseudohypersexuality in the hysteric/histrionic. I'm going to use the term hysteric not because I believe it is associated with the uterus (I'm a male diagnosed with HPD), but because it's less letters and I believe it evokes a concept to people that they are more easily able to understand, and it is obviously very broad, as there are a lot of variants of the hysterical personality. But for all intents and purposes, histrionic can be a substitute for hysteric if you don't like reading that term.

Anyway, perhaps this thread could be used to discuss all of the sexuality issues relevant to hysterics, instead of making a new thread for every inquiry. I don't know.

One of the most frustrating, probably the most frustrating, aspects of this condition is my aversion to intimate sexuality, paired with my fickleness to casual sexuality. If I think a guy is hot, I lose interest or even lose the ability to lust for him as soon as I get to know him. If I just do a hookup, I find myself taking forever to orgasm (and at least last time I had to think about something else). I also am afraid to let him handle my penis because I have a fear that it's going to hurt or damage my genitals, probably both. I find myself willing to give him head and use my hands and stuff, but I kind of think penises are really gross, except for mine bc I'm used to it.

I find myself intensely aroused often, in a state of mind where I'll jump into bed with anything. As soon as I reach climax, however, it's game over. I've gotten better at controlling how I act at this point, but I still feel very sad (like the way you feel during a dejavu or when you're homesick or when you're dehydrated but not thirsty or when you remember childhood disappointment) and don't want to stick around, let alone continue playing. When I have sex with others, the very end of my penis (the meatus) is always a little sore, like it just got burnt. That doesn't happen when I masturbate. It does happen if I masturbate in the presence of another, however.

Sex just isn't really appealing to me. It feels like the means to an end, and nothing more. The faces people make, and the things they say are appalling. I think I've traumatized myself with porn. I can never make it to the end, or maybe I don't have the money to pay to see the end (never bought porn in my life) so I just see sex as an endless means to an end, a submission to power or a currency you never run out of. I also hate how in porn there are these twinks who act like giving a hot guy a BJ is satisfying in and of itself.

I like kissing and touching, and flirting (especially flirty teasing), but I think what is more satisfying than sex with an attractive man is to be promised something by an attractive man. Dedication to and mindfulness of me is what is most erotic.

Are there any ways to get around this issue? Will a guy be understanding when I tell him all of the crazy precautions he has to take (and I have to, too) while we copulate? I'm saying like a guy I've known and have a relationship with. I know it's stupid to be demanding of booty-calls.

coneyislandking -

Hopefully someone with diagnosed HPD can comment whether or not they share similar feelings. While I can't personally relate to the scope/depth of what you wrote, you are also not the first (or last) person to ask/wonder if porn has a detrimental affect on the enjoyment of sex in real relationships. An obvious suggestion there is to try abstaining for a time.

At the end of your post you asked one question. The short answer is that there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who respects our boundaries including our sexual boundaries, but the complexity is that people vary in their ability/want to respect each others boundaries, we have to communicate our boundaries (expecting others to 'just' know rarely works), and ... other people are human too. To a degree there are 'norms', how most people think/feel, what most people want/need. Others reasonably expect others boundaries to fall within the norms they share. In other words even empathetic people are only likely to be able to relate to others up to a point.

So all that written... have you given any thought to taking a general break from sexual relationships for a while? Sometimes when things are confusing/conflicted, just stopping and taking a breather can help us see everything in a new light.

Hello Coney Island
Aversion to intimacy and sexual dysfunction has been repeatedly observed (although maybe not so well understood) in many females in the hysterical/histrionic continuum, I have asked several male self-described histrionics about this topic, but until now none ever answered with detail. For that matter, only got hints from some of the ladies. That's ok; obviously a sensitive topic, and people don't have to post about that which makes them uncomfortable. Anyhow, thanks for your candor.

Whatever they were right or wrong about, the Freudians and neo-Freudians have always been focused on psycho-sexual aspects and pre-DNA era self-imagery and expression, so I would begin your research there. For example, there were some posts a while back by Wisdom that described Freudian gen 2 Reich's observations (search the forum using Wilhelm Reich, the posts should pop up).
If I recall the content of those posts correctly, besides aversion to intimacy and avoiding sex altogether, the other track some female Hysterics/Histrionics supposedly took was what could be generally described as nymphomania or hyper-sexuality; frequent instances of intercourse, maybe with multiple partners, with "desperate" but still unsuccessful attempts at orgasms - might be the basis of the old Greek term Hysteria ("wandering womb").

A further segueway might be where mind meets body: neuropsychology.

orion -

I remember some of the posts from self-described male histrionic types on this forum. Yes many had written in various forms, that they felt driven to reach the point of a sexual relationship with new women, but that the intimacy and sex itself was not important, even a turn off.

xdude wrote:orion -

I remember some of the posts from self-described male histrionic types on this forum. Yes many had written in various forms, that they felt driven to reach the point of a sexual relationship with new women, but that the intimacy and sex itself was not important, even a turn off.

Interesting, Xdude, among Cluster Bs, when intimacy and sex is a turn off, it is more likely than not to be HPD or NPD people, whereas many BPDs are more likely to become overly dependent on sex, and AsPDs say they enjoy sex as a sensory experience and power vehicle.

Does anyone else think this is true, in general terms?

I definitely think that something NPD's and HPD's have in common is that they cannot integrate the idea of sexuality with their ideal self. For instance, I wish I was born without genitals and further, without a sex-drive. I am a hysteric, and according to some literature, I try to provoke a sexual reaction in others to ease my neuroses about sexuality, because my mind bases my assessments of self by the way I perceive others, and if others are sexually provoked, I can more easily allow myself to be, as well.

Narcissists perceive sexuality as a flaw because to be sexual is to desire human contact, and to do that is to need someone, which is giving them influence or even authority. The narcissist dreads the thought of needing anyone.

The hysteric's issue is more that they can't integrate the concepts of virtue and sexuality. Good people are seen as not needing sexuality. Sexuality is associated by the hysteric with the absent father, whose role has been replaced by taboo, particularly sexual. Bollas notes that the hysteric replaces the father with child molestors and rapists on TV, but also that for each failure of the father to fulfill his responsibilities, is another dynamic motivation in the hysteric to destroy his function.

So I guess the hysteric uses sex to try and replace their father, but because of their ill-equipment, sex leaves them feeling guilty. By ill-equipment, I mean inappropriate sexual object relations and overall naivete.

coneyislandking -

You clearly have a lot of insights into yourself. Admirable for sure

xdude - Are you being honest or are you trying to imply that I'm faking having any problem? Because I'm not, I'm just really smart and researching my problem makes me feel better about it. I guess it would be illogical for you to make such an accusation, since you're a mod, but I'm afraid of not being believed or of being disliked or ridiculed. I feel like I'm the infantile histrionic because lately, I've been noticing more BPD tendencies.

Honest coneyisland -

I grew up with a BPD mother; and recently was in a relationship with a woman who I strongly suspect has HPD (she meets all the criteria strongly), neither of which was capable of facing the possibility they had issues of their own.

It is admirable that you are able to see your issues, and share them here. Not everyone has the strength of will to do that.

Really best wishes,

X

xdude - Are you being honest or are you trying to imply that I'm faking having any problem? Because I'm not, I'm just really smart and researching my problem makes me feel better about it. I guess it would be illogical for you to make such an accusation, since you're a mod, but I'm afraid of not being believed or of being disliked or ridiculed. I feel like I'm the infantile histrionic because lately, I've been noticing more BPD tendencies.

Coneyisland, I feel that you mistook xdude's intentions here. He has been a regular member for some time, and very recently became a mod. During his membership here, he has seen many people with HPD come and go, some of them unaware of the extent of their issues, and others with a great deal of inner strength and self awareness. He has, many times, expressed feelings of inspiration towards those, like yourself, who have insight and a genuine desire to heal. He remembers me from my early days on the forum, before I became a mod, and then later an admin, when I was confused, searching for a direction, taking tentative steps forward, and sometimes falling. He has seen me pick myself up, bruised, but determined to continue the journey. During all of those times, when we were both just regular members, he listened, showed support and encouragement, and sometimes told me things I didn't always want to hear, but needed to hear in order to continue my journey. I have known him on the forum for a long time. He doesn't define himself as being a mod, he really is here because he understands and empathises, and his words to you were sincere and meant to be taken as encouragement. I know xdude, and I know this to be true. Xdude speaks as he finds.