Think my wife has HPD…

I’m pretty sure my wife has HPD. I don’t know if it is “full blown” HPD as the symptoms do not seem as extreme as some described here, but what I thought was just her personality matches about 80% of the HPD characteristics.

She is very self indulgent, emotionally shallow, demanding attention, obsessed with physical symptoms, exaggeratedly expressive, somewhat manipulative, lies about failures, hates to debate or discuss anything serious or complicated, does not follow through on stuff, goes from doctor to therapist to herbal remedy to psychic healer to new doctor etc. but never completes the therapy, hates routine (house is always a MESS), rationalizes or her inappropriate behaviors, or denies it, or says it is being misinterpreted. She is prone to black & white thinking.

She was over the last four years less and less outgoing and since the passing of both parents became extremely depressed, almost suicidal. Medication recently seemed to correct the depression and she is now very upbeat. Things came to a head for me because I was very supportive during her years of depression, and now that she is upbeat, she is out taking on all sorts of community stuff and having a ball, yet I am left with even less support from her than I had before. I feel like I have been used, that I am nothing more than a provider and facilitator for her life.

I am mad as hell and I believe she is now terrified I’m going to leave her. She suggested today that I may want to look into male menopause as a possible cause of my anger – which of course just caused a whole lot more.

I read somewhere that HPD can be treated with cognitive therapy. I have not given up completely on the marriage, but don’t know if or how I can bring this “diagnosis” of mine to her attention. I am sure she will not receive it well from me. She is very competitive about not having more problems than me and will I think reject any suggestion I make, yet I don’t think any doctor she has seen has diagnosed HPD.

Should I tell her, and if so how???! How can I encourage her to get into treatment for HPD, when I am not sure I can even get her to accept she may have it?

"I feel like I have been used, that I am nothing more than a provider and facilitator for her life."

You feel like you've been used because you have been used.

They tend to take everything from a person. All the fun, all the laughs, all the rewards of your company and not give anything back or if they do give something back its not much of substance.

"I am mad as hell and I believe she is now terrified I’m going to leave her. She suggested today that I may want to look into male menopause as a possible cause of my anger – which of course just caused a whole lot more."

Understandable anger my friend at her incompetence and HPD lack of full awareness of what she has done to you but if she doesn't and hasn't cheated on you, I suppose you can consider that one positive of this horrid union. I only assume she hasn't cheated on you because most of the people who post here who have dealt with HPD's are here because of the cheating and subsequent abandoment by their HPD for apparently no reason and make that clear in their opening post.

"I read somewhere that HPD can be treated with cognitive therapy. I have not given up completely on the marriage, but don’t know if or how I can bring this “diagnosis” of mine to her attention."

That or the one I've heard most often for them is psychodynamic therapy.

Probably both are needed...

"I am sure she will not receive it well from me. She is very competitive about not having more problems than me and will I think reject any suggestion I make, yet I don’t think any doctor she has seen has diagnosed HPD."

Sociopaths are good at hiding their true nature from professionals when they do not want to be found out.

What I've often read in the literature on HPD is that to help with getting a proper diagnosis ie if its HPD or not the therapist often needs to consult with friends and partners about the person to see a true portrait of her true behaviour when she's not doing the whole perfect, respectful, brave, clean and reverent act for the therapist.

"Should I tell her, and if so how???! How can I encourage her to get into treatment for HPD, when I am not sure I can even get her to accept she may have it?"

Just buy her the book Emotional Vampires and tell her she might be interested in the section on histrionics.

If she asks why just say that as her being your wife for so long you should have a pretty good idea of what would interest her or not and then wink at her like it will be something fun for her to see lol.

Thats a casual approach that would probably get her to look at it and then realize what you've done by maybe recognizing herself in the pages after she reads the whole section on them which is about roughly 40-50 pages that the histrionic section of the book is devoted to.

Another more direct and probably less succesful way to go is print her up the giant HPD document and say that its important for her to read it over as you think it applies to her.

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/histrion.htm

She'll probably give you some $#%^ about how you are the crazy one and not her.

This is just her trying to protect her fragile ego through projection ie projecting onto you how she really feels inside.

She probably already has a lot of problems and like you said she wouldn't want to have one more.

I suppose if you go this route and she keeps talking to you tell her to look at it this way...

That she only really has one problem in that HPD is the well from which all of her other problems have sprung.

HPD I believe causes depression, anxiety and low self esteem in women who have it.

To fight those negative feelings off they must either engage in an exciting sexual trist cheating on their partner, do someother sort of attention seeking maneuver if not that or worse abuse drugs and or alcohol to block out all those negative vibes until they can sufficiently forget about the problems for the moment and then they restart anew.

KontrollerX, Thanks for the feedback.

I think I must be a magnet for HPDs, BPDs. Maybe it's my introverted, compassionate nature that attracts them. I can see similar patterns in previous relationships, though only one very stormy one was definitely BPD. That one lasted only 6 months, but left me emotionally damaged for a couple of years.

At least in this case my wife is HPD and seems to have no BPD traits. And she is not as extreme as some it seems, but the damage has added up over the years. I hope I am not being naive in thinking it might improve, but I have a lot invested and am not ready yet to give up. She has not cheated on me - I am fairly sure of that, and don't think she will leave (she has it too good). She gets her kicks out of doing zany things with her friends and changing hobbies/interests regularly. She also does not abuse alcohol or drugs (unless you consider a whole shelf full of herbal remedies abuse ).

I will buy the Emotional Vampires book for starters - if even just so I better understand what I am dealing with. My wife has not read nay of the books therapists have given her as hoework, so I don't hold out much hope she will read anything I give her. But nothing to lose by trying.

Problem is you can't help someone if they choose not to be helped.

Thanks again - I don't think I have fully come to terms with what I am facing, but it is easier when there are others out there who understand first hand.