I think I may have HPD. I need second opinions.

Hi. I won't say my name but, I'm 15 years old.

Ever since I was young, I have always craved attention. People noticing me, paying attention to me, caring about me, loving me, appreciating me, and being captivated by to me is what I love. I get this natural high from it. It's like my success comes from how many people like me or how interesting I am.

I am extremely manipulative. When I was young, I always got my brother to play to do things like play games with me, do my chores, embarrass himself etc. At a young age, I had a mind that knew exactly how to get what I wanted and whenever I wanted it. It was and is still a thrill that I get. It's a control thing. I feel great when I can make other people do what I want them to do without them even realizing what my motives are. On the outside, I seem innocent and people actually trust me but, in reality, almost everything I say is a lie.

About the lies...I've lied about countless things. Serious things. Things that are awful to lie about. It all started in Elementary School; I had very few friends and craved acceptance at a young age. I was a little overweight and considered "ugly" by my peers so, that hurt my self esteem. I got very depressed. I felt like nobody cared about me or even noticed I was there. So, I did everything I could to stand out. Even to the point of pretending to be suicidal.

And...I got what I wanted. Teachers were worried about me, classmates were talking about me; I was finally known. I may have not been well liked but, at least I was known. Because of my behavioral problems, I was sent to Special Ed. I got out of Special Ed in 6th grade because of a very convincing note that I wrote to the staff in 5th grade. Again, the manipulation...

So, I slowly continued throughout life lying about more things. I met this friend in seventh grade who I instantly liked and connected with. Then, I started telling these huge lies about how I wanted to die, and I even started cutting myself. She became closer to me, thinking that I "somehow instantly trusted her" and was extremely worried about me. So, I kept on and stuck with the story. Eventually, I did feel an enormous amount of guilt and by then, the depression had just gotten worse so, I decided to tell my friend that I had "gotten over it" and was now "in love with life".

I thought that was the end of the attention getting tactics. But, boy, was I wrong. It wasn't too long after that that I started pretending to be anorexic. Actually, I think I definitely had the mindset of one but, it was nothing I couldn't handle. However, I slowly started decreasing what I was eating, exercising everyday, and losing lots of weight. I was not fat at this point (because I had actually already lost the excess weight during the Summer of 6th grade by doing this same thing) but, I still felt like I should lose some more. I remembered how amazing it felt to hear comments such as "Wow, you look great. You've lost weight, haven't you?" and longed to hear those comments more.

Then, I thought about anorexia and those movies you see and shows you watch about how it's dangerous and how everybody worries about them. Then, without even thinking about it, I not only started trying to lose more weight, I tried subtly hinting at friends that I was anorexic (not eating at lunch, wearing baggy clothes that made me look thinner, acting like I had extremely low self esteem etc.) and sure enough, they suspected it. Of course, I denied it, knowing that true anorexics don't really admit to these kinds of things but worked even harder to make their suspicions grow. The lowest I ever got to was 140 but, when I tell friends about "my success story dealing with anorexia on my own" I tell them that the lowest I've been is 130. See, what I'm talking about? I lie about things that don't even matter!

Then, after a while, I "got over that" and "started accepting myself" because, my friend was starting to seriously worry about me, to the point where she was going to talk to my parents. So, I waited awhile, didn't really talk much about it, and then made it seem like I was back to normal. "This is the end of this." I thought. Nope.

Then in 9th grade, I met this guy who I really liked and instantly got close to him. I started telling him about my "success stories" and all that jazz and to him, it seemed like I was a strong person. After awhile, I suddenly started telling him that I heard literal voices in my head telling me I was fat, worthless, ugly, unaccomplished, etc. Then, I started over-exaggerating my depression (I do constantly get depressed and attempt suicide occasionally but, I know in my heart that I don't really want to die). When I say "over-exaggerating" I don't mean that I screamed out "I want to kill myself!" Because that is not the most effective way. I didn't want to seem like a person that was too open and obviously out for attention so, I slowly started mentioning things like "I get depressed a lot." Then, it evolved into "I sometimes think of suicide". He asked me "why" and I replied with another huge lie because I didn't want to seem like I didn't have a good enough reason...

I told him that my ex-boyfriend broke into my house and raped me while I was home alone. This of course made him more worried then anything else so, he mentioned that he couldn't promise to keep this confidential (he had promised to keep the other things like the voices, anorexia, depression etc. secret and I trusted him to so, I didn't think that this would be happening). So, right away, I told him that I lied. About everything. But, I did it in a way that I seemed like I was telling the truth but, trying to protect my ex. Of course, he said "If it''s true that you are lying, I no longer wish to deal with you." No! I can't lose a friend. My friends are my world, my security, my everything. And he had become one of my BEST friends! I had to think of something to get him to go back to being my friend but still not get it out that I was "raped". So I called a mutual friend of ours and explained to her the situation. Over the phone,as I talked to her about the "rape", I was hysterical. She thought I was crying about what supposedly happened but, in reality, I was crying because I thought I was going to lose one of my best friends (which was perfect timing by the way because from this, I quickly constructed a plan). I told her in tears "And I told him I was lying about it. But I'm not. And he thinks I'd lie about something like that. Never!" Even though I told her to promise me not to tell the guy, I knew she would because I knew what kind of person she was (I read people very well) and knew that she would tell him. Sure enough, just as I had expected, the guy instant messaged me and wanted me to talk about it. I told him my supposed "fears" about telling someone and he tried to convince me. I told him I would tell my parents but I never did and later told him that. After hearing that, he told me "I no longer wish to communicate with you until you tell someone." I was devastated. Because there was no way to tell anyone because 1. I still care about people and refuse to ruin their lives that dramatically. 2. I am a virgin so, I have no proof I have even had sex anyway. The sick, demented thing is, I was actually even considering seducing my ex (who is going to my school next year) and then playing off like I was raped. Of course, I stopped myself right there (seriously).

Meanwhile, as my guy friend continued shunning me (and now believes that I wes lying the whole time) the mutual friend of the guy's and I, still thought I was telling the truth and was really considering tell someone. So, I did the same thing with her as I did with him, I purposely told the truth unconvincingly so she'd believe the truth was a lie. And she read me just like I wanted her to read me. She fell for it. And accused me of "trying to protect him" (which I unconvincingly denied). Later, I hinted that the rape really did happen and she, being a naive, trusting person, believed me and promised not to tell anyone. Her philosophy was basically "If you care enough to ruin your reputation to protect him then, it's obviously important to you." This was actually the reaction I was hoping for but, I never thought I'd actually get it. I was surprised at how powerful I had gotten and how much control I had over people. I felt alive. How do I do this?

But, there's also so much guilt in lying about these things; it's like you wouldn't believe. There's so much burden because, I don't really want people to worry about me. I just need people to care about me. I must feel loved, accepted, and just well-liked overall. I do feel extreme remorse over these awful things I've done (which leads to depression and actual thoughts of suicide) because in reality, I love these people and care about them immensely. I really, truely do.

I just feel like I can't stop doing this. These lies were told on impulse; I'm not even joking. I didn't mean to deceive people into thinking I was raped; it just slipped out and I stuck with my story. I feel like since I've told way too many lies, hurt too many people, filled too many people with unnecessary worry, and just been too insanely manipulative (which seems to come naturally because, it takes me only a few seconds to devise another plan and then I just instantly follow through with it without thinking of what may happen) that there must be something seriously wrong with me.

I recently took some personality disorder test and scored "very high" in "Histrionic", "Paranoid", "Borderline", and "Avoidant". I'm not sure how accurate these tests really are but, I looked up information for "Histrionic" (because I honestly had no idea what it was) and was very surprised. Everything on that page fit me perfectly; it was unbelievable.

This whole page is all true! (though I really hate to admit it): http://www.ptypes.com/histrionicpd.html

So, I need to know, do you think I have it?

I think I certainly have a mindset like it because I'm constantly worried about what people think, how people perceive me, and what kind of impression I make on people. I think about it 24/7. And I often act really over-the-top crazy, especially when I'm around a group of people, just to make people see me as unique and interesting because I'm afraid of being boring (and because all of my friends only like me for who they think I am). My life is boring because there have been no tragedies or anything that has really happened. I have two loving parents, live in a good home, etc. So, I think perhaps I try to make up for it by making up this hard life so instead of the person who "has it easy", I'm the person who has "overcome obstacles".

I also tend to either make friendships very easily or turn people way because they think I'm "too weird".

I've noticed that with the friendships I do make, I can make them think anything that I want them to by just changing the way I carry myself. Happy and confident? Smiling, staring the world in the face, friendly presence. Depressed? Fake smiles, stiff body language, occasionally looking at the ground as you hate the world. Insecure? Clutching on to a jacket as if you're trying to hide you body, constantly putting your arms in front of your body, suspiciously looking around at people pretending to think that every one's watching you and talking about you. Hyper? Big strides, open expressions, big smile, very jumpy, fast-paced walk.

^And I constantly think about this, it seems like almost every second of the day. Always changing movements, body language, facial expressions, etc. just to appear as whatever I wish. And it ALWAYS works. I also constantly try to appear funny by trying to come up with jokes in my head. It's an addiction; if no one is laughing, I must try again until they do laugh. And when they do, I feel on top of the world. I love to entertain people. I am an actress.

Another reason it's a possibility is that I tend to get extremely attached to people. And, if I feel like they're ignoring me, I get depressed because that is the worst thing ever. My greatest fear is to be forgotten. That is one of the reasons that I have a very intense fear of death (that and the unknown, like what's going to happen to me etc.) Also, with guys, I tend to make believe I'm in love with them even if I don't really like them or when I don't know if I feel the same. Then, come off too strong, get rejected, get very hurt, and then get more depressed. This has happened three times; only one of them was one that actually became my boyfriend.

Also, I have an enormous love for theatre and acting. It's one of my great passions. I live in my own fantasy world where I am famous, everybody knows my name, and I perform for an audience. I'm am trapped in this world constantly; it is my escape from reality. People in my daydreams love, accept, and appreciate me. At times, I even imagine them being jealous of me.

And, I'm a bit full of myself. I'm vain and look in the mirror every chance I get and am obsessed with how much I weigh.

So...what do you think?

Since you are asking us...

I think you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Of course only a trained professional can give you an official diagnosis but that is my opinion of what I believe you to have more than anything else.

BPD behaviour to draw people in is often the same as that of an HPD.

In fact HPD is many times referred to as BPD light as in a lesser form of BPD.

In your case though if you go in and get diagnosed don't be surprised if you get diagnosed with both of these disorders as it is not uncommon for a person with one personality disorder to be diagnosed with more than one. I have a friend who was diagnosed HPD and BPD so she is proof of this.

What seperates BPD from HPD is the self injury (cutting) to feel alive or as a method of manipulation which you used it for and the suicidal thoughts that you have as HPD's for the most part are not said to have suicidal thoughts as part of their disorder though it was included for them in the past when the personality disorders weren't as differentiated from eachother as they are today. So again suicidal thoughts are more the realm of the BPD sufferer.

"(I read people very well) and knew that she would tell him."

Its interesting that you say this.

I believe ASPD a.k.a psychopathy is the well from which all three of the other sociopathic personality disorders in Cluster B spring from.

An ASPD I once talked to about his condition told me one time "I read people like you wouldn't believe" and here you are echoing his statement even though not an ASPD yourself.

See I believe that BPD, NPD and HPD are all failed solutions for traumatized children whose minds are trying to shield them from emotional hurt by becoming a non feeling, conscience free psychopath/ASPD type but for some reason your minds don't go all the way to that solution by becoming ASPD but instead one of the other harmful but less harmful than ASPD personality disordered in Cluster B.

"Sure enough, just as I had expected, the guy instant messaged me and wanted me to talk about it. I told him my supposed "fears" about telling someone and he tried to convince me. I told him I would tell my parents but I never did and later told him that. After hearing that, he told me "I no longer wish to communicate with you until you tell someone." I was devastated. Because there was no way to tell anyone because 1. I still care about people and refuse to ruin their lives that dramatically."

Its good to know that you care about people as it means you are not ASPD and thus have some hope for being cured some day of what you have whatever it may be officially diagnosed as.

"2. I am a virgin so, I have no proof I have even had sex anyway. The sick, demented thing is, I was actually even considering seducing my ex (who is going to my school next year) and then playing off like I was raped. Of course, I stopped myself right there (seriously)."

Yes. Please don't do that. You literally can ruin someone's life by making a rape accusation on them and it going all the way to court. Even if you are proved a liar there were still be some damned idiots out there who believe that you got screwed over by the courts and believe that guy to be a rapist so a group of dumbass but well meaning guys might take after him and beat him up when he's by himself out somewhere and maybe even kill him and then they themselves being dumb kids will probably talk about it and then get caught and be doing life for manslaughter. All of this negative affect resulting from your lie. Its very important you get help for whatever it is you have as pathological lying is a natural part of personality disorders in Cluster B and is obviously very dangerous to do regularly for a variety of reasons.

"See I believe that BPD, NPD and HPD are all failed solutions for traumatized children whose minds are trying to shield them from emotional hurt by becoming a non feeling, conscience free psychopath/ASPD type but for some reason your minds don't go all the way to that solution by becoming ASPD but instead one of the other harmful but less harmful than ASPD personality disordered in Cluster B."

Nothing has happened to me to create any trama though. I have a near-perfect-life. That's why I don't understand why I feel like I have to lie.

Well I forgot to include sometimes people are just born with these conditions.

It is thought that something about the frontal lobe of the brain is different in the personality disordered than in the non personality disordered that makes them the way they are.

After reading twocent's posts on that and not being entirely convinced I read Robert Hare's book Without Conscience and he brings up the brain theory on personality disorders and confirms that it is a strong theory to why they come about but its by no means proven that this is why they come about.

One of the first brain theories about it is that people with PD's have damage to the frontal lobe of their brain but when some ASPD's were tested for damage they showed none. However their brainwaves were different from non ASPD's. Probably the same for all of the Cluster B Personality Disordered.

So yeah though there is speculation about brain damage, differences in the way the brain forms in childhood, nature vs nuture debates, the view that our society is toxic and thus responsible for the fostering and development of sociopathic personality disorders and other things no one is entirely sure how Cluster B Personality Disorders are brought about so for my part I hold to the view that all of them are probable causes.

Anyway, an HPD girl I talked to and another one whose post I read on here a few pages back well both of them said the same thing about having a great family but then I asked my new HPD friend more questions and she said that she wasn't getting enough attention from her peers for a long time until she got older and became very attractive and then of course the HPD attention seeking and other associated behaviours came about.

Anyway getting back to BPD do you ever feel a lot of intense anger and a feeling that when no one's around that you don't exist ie have no self?

If so then those just add to my guess that you probably have that.

Of course everything you described isn't necessarily BPD either.

You may just be a pathological liar with a few other disorders not personality disorder related.

Its reasonable though that you think you might be HPD and maybe now BPD since I brought that to your attention but yeah you definitely don't seem clear cut enough for us to give you any specific diagnosis so hopefully you go to a professional and report back to us what you find out.

Oh yeah and note that if you are merely a pathological liar then that is the reason for your not being able to stop lying.

You are driven by that conditions impulsiveness.

No further explaining is really necessary.

The condition is the cause and produces the lying effect.

"Hmmm, an HPD girl I talked to and another one whose post I read on here a few pages back well both of them said the same thing about having a great family but then I asked my new HPD friend more questions and she said that she wasn't getting enough attention from her peers for a long time until she got older and became very attractive and then of course the HPD attention seeking and other associated behaviours came about."

I've always craved attention. Even when I was overweight. As a child, I'd stand in the middle of the room so everyone would notice me. I'd also perform for my family practically every day.

Then, when I lost the weight, gained some confidence, and started believing that I was pretty, I started getting really suggestive with my body language and such. Of course, to believe this about myself (that I'm pretty, hot, ect.), I have to have reassurance from people. I get that from their reactions. This gives me an ego boost; a high I live for. So, those are my reasons behind doing that.

"Anyway getting back to BPD do you ever feel a lot of intense anger and a feeling that when no one's around that you don't exist ie have no self?"

Yes. Almost every night. I sometimes enjoy being alone (to get a break from people sometimes) but, when I'm alone for too long I get insane. I either 1. Get really depressed and belittle my self worth. 2. Go into my fantasy world where I am a star and everybody loves me. 3. Do something to get attention. This includes calling a friend and over-exagerrating a story, acting over-the-top crazy with someone, ect.

Also, I've noticed that I am completely unaware of my identity. When I'm with someone, I often mold myself to be who they are. For example, If they say that they are Christian, I am a Christian too. If I then switch to talking to an Atheist friend, I become an Atheist. I don't have any idea what I believe about anything and I can't stand it. Everyone thinks that I'm this strong-willed, opinionated, independent person but, it is just not true. The only time I do have opinions on things are when we're talking about small things, and that's just starting out. I will firmly state "I like Green Day". However, if someone I'm talking to doesn't, I'll find myself listening to their opinions and trying to make myself believe what they are saying (i.e. "maybe that's true..."). It seems arguments like that are always won by the other person and I never admit it but, I'm very easily influenced.

So, when I'm alone, I sit and try to make my own opinions so that I can stop contradicting myself around people. But, it seems anytime I do and decide on something, I tell someone who has a different opinion and get swayed. This creates so much confusion in my mind. Also, it makes me really hate myself because I hate it when people don't know where they stand.

Perhaps I'm just too open-minded for my own good?

"You may just be a pathological liar with a few other disorders not personality disorder related."

I probably wouldn't be surprised if I was a pathological liar.

"Its reasonable though that you think you might be HPD and maybe now BPD since I brought that to your attention but yeah you definitely don't seem clear cut enough for us to give you any specific diagnosis so hopefully you go to a professional and report back to us what you find out."

The only thing about getting a specific diagnosis is 1. It is expensive and I feel uncomfortable asking because my parents all already doing so much for me. They've gotten me an Ipod (which I lost), payed for a trip for Europe next year, gotten me a gym membership, and pretty much everything that I ever asked for. 2. I don't want them to worry about me. And, if I tell them to get a diagnosis, they will ask me why I would ever think I was and I'd have to tell them everything. I'm very ashamed of all I've done and the last thing I want to do is disapoint them. Also, as much as a love attention, there's a small part inside of me that doesn't want people to worry (because I know the pain I've caused them and feel great sorrow from it). I just want them to show they care because I guess I just have self doubt about my worth and need people to reassure me that I am worth something. But, I know my parents care and if I were to tell them these things, they'd worry like crazy. Also, they would stop trusting me and I'd lose all control I ever possesed. I can't let that happen. People feel an instant connection to me because they feel they can trust me. I don't want to screw that up; especially with my parents.

Plus, how do you just tell someone all this? "Hey, mom. Guess what?"

"I've always craved attention. Even when I was overweight. As a child, I'd stand in the middle of the room so everyone would notice me. I'd also perform for my family practically every day.

Then, when I lost the weight, gained some confidence, and started believing that I was pretty, I started getting really suggestive with my body language and such. Of course, to believe this about myself (that I'm pretty, hot, ect.), I have to have reassurance from people. I get that from their reactions. This gives me an ego boost; a high I live for. So, those are my reasons behind doing that."

Well after the last post of yours and this one things seem clearer and I do believe you will get the same HPD and BPD diagnosis my friend got should you go in and get professionally evaluated.

"Yes. Almost every night. I sometimes enjoy being alone (to get a break from people sometimes) but, when I'm alone for too long I get insane. I either 1. Get really depressed and belittle my self worth. 2. Go into my fantasy world where I am a star and everybody loves me. 3. Do something to get attention. This includes calling a friend and over-exagerrating a story, acting over-the-top crazy with someone, ect.

Also, I've noticed that I am completely unaware of my identity. When I'm with someone, I often mold myself to be who they are. For example, If they say that they are Christian, I am a Christian too. If I then switch to talking to an Atheist friend, I become an Atheist. I don't have any idea what I believe about anything and I can't stand it. Everyone thinks that I'm this strong-willed, opinionated, independent person but, it is just not true. The only time I do have opinions on things are when we're talking about small things, and that's just starting out. I will firmly state "I like Green Day". However, if someone I'm talking to doesn't, I'll find myself listening to their opinions and trying to make myself believe what they are saying (i.e. "maybe that's true..."). It seems arguments like that are always won by the other person and I never admit it but, I'm very easily influenced."

HPD's are easily influenced by others and both HPD's and BPD's lack their own self to degrees (BPD's being worse in this regard) so they borrow the self of the people they interact with which is what you are doing in your interactions with people.

"So, when I'm alone, I sit and try to make my own opinions so that I can stop contradicting myself around people. But, it seems anytime I do and decide on something, I tell someone who has a different opinion and get swayed. This creates so much confusion in my mind. Also, it makes me really hate myself because I hate it when people don't know where they stand."

From the book Emotional Vampires self help section for Histrionics...

Openly disagree with somebody every day. Say it nicely, but say it.

Since you seem to be doing that already the obvious next step is to try and hold your disagreement and when you're alone think of things that support your view to help you in this.

"Perhaps I'm just too open-minded for my own good?"

Yes and its all a part of the HPD and Cluster B in general chameleon affect where you automatically want to do your best to be liked by everyone so to accomplish this you avoid just about any conflict no matter how slight.

"The only thing about getting a specific diagnosis is 1. It is expensive and I feel uncomfortable asking because my parents all already doing so much for me."

Understandable but this is a very important issue for you to address.

"They've gotten me an Ipod (which I lost), payed for a trip for Europe next year, gotten me a gym membership, and pretty much everything that I ever asked for. 2. I don't want them to worry about me. And, if I tell them to get a diagnosis, they will ask me why I would ever think I was and I'd have to tell them everything. I'm very ashamed of all I've done and the last thing I want to do is disapoint them."

If you are HPD and BPD to go untreated dissapointing your parents will be inevitable and it will be worse because they will think you do such bad things because you are a bad person rather than being personality disordered and compelled almost uncontrollably to do the things you will do. See they will look at your bad behaviour as a normal girl deciding to step on people because she's got it so good...looks, personality, everything, etc and they will think less of you for that until you fess up.

"Also, as much as a love attention, there's a small part inside of me that doesn't want people to worry (because I know the pain I've caused them and feel great sorrow from it). I just want them to show they care because I guess I just have self doubt about my worth and need people to reassure me that I am worth something. But, I know my parents care and if I were to tell them these things, they'd worry like crazy.
Also, they would stop trusting me and I'd lose all control I ever possesed. I can't let that happen. People feel an instant connection to me because they feel they can trust me. I don't want to screw that up; especially with my parents."

How much are people going to trust you when they inevitably learn you've been lying to them? And they will. This forum is mostly filled with victims of HPD's but thankfully that is changing slowly but surely but anyway the point is we are here because we eventually learned the truth about our partners in one way or another and about all the lies they told and this will happen to you too. Every relationship you have while untreated is doomed to failure or enormous pain. You are 15 years old, so young with your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to live your life suffering from the full effects of these disorders. It has been stated that when people like you are treated when you are young there is a better success rate than with adults. Your mind is pliable now and may better be able to be changed.

Your parents and you must talk with your service provider and you must have your doctor address your concerns with your parents so that you continue to have your parents trust and you must want to change for the better each and every day. Not an easy thing to do I'm sure but you must do it. You must face this head on as it will not get better with time or self help. These are personality disorders and need professional treatment not a band aid or living in denial hoping you can get through life because it will just get harder and harder until you are abusing alcohol, drugs or both to shut out the negative effect and what has become of you. Don't let this happen.

"Plus, how do you just tell someone all this? "Hey, mom. Guess what?"

Hey you've got nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't exactly ask for this condition. Just tell your mother or father or both that you need to have a serious talk with them and go from there.

This is a much more important thing for you to ask for ie the professional help than an ipod or someother material possession and your parents will know and understand this. If they are caring enough to buy you so many things and do so much great stuff for you. You can damn sure bet they will do anything in their power to ensure you are healthy and happy throughout life and I'm gonna tell ya its not gonna happen unless you take care of your PD's the best you can with real help for them.

That you as a possible HPD/BPD can admit your problems I've learned from therapists is a very good sign that you have a genuine shot at recovery.

Maybe I will. I am really sick of living a double life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I manipulate people, lie about the most awful things, and don't feel sorrow until a while later whn I realize what I've done. But, even then, that sorrow last for like, 30 minutes to an hour. Then, of course, the next day, I find myself either lying about something new or traveling deeper in past lies. Where is my compassion?!?! I mean, I know I don't totally lack it...I sometimes get emotional when watching sad movies and I do worry about friends when they are going through hard times but, it seems that that worry is only temporary. Then, of course, I start thinging about myself and forget about it.

I've been struggling with this for a while but, I've never told anyone because I feel so out of place. I feel like an awful person; a physco, evil person. It's like there is something inside of me controling my actions. It's not me. I don't even know who I am. But, I've never felt any connection with myself. At first I just thought it was about "discovering my identity" because these are teenage years and it's common but, I seriously know NOTHING about myself. I don't know what I feel, what I think, or why I act in the way that I do. Hense the username. There is no depth to me, even from my own point of view.