New to this

My wife is just beginning treatment. We had just gone through family counseling and the therapist is pretty confident that my wife has a personality disorder, although she has not spoken to her about it yet. (Narcassistic, Histrionic or bpd). She suggested that I read "Quit Walking on Eggshells" It was like a huge burden was lifted. Everything short of the physical abuse was what was happening in our lives. The one thing missing from the book though is the incessant talking about herself. If she is speaking, she is talking about herself, or how someone reflects on her. This is really difficult with the children (girls ages 10 & 13). I want to protect them but I am not sure be doing that. She is not physcically abusive, and even the verbal stuff more the nit picking little stuff like, but it is constant. She gets mad if everyone doesn't give her the constant attention. Again, she does't get phyical, but she gets mad at everyone if we don't listen to her. If the kids have a success, it is because they did something that she suggested, a failure is due to them not heeding her advice.

I can take all of this from my point of view, I willing chose to marry her, but I am not sure what I should do for the kids

g2g.. I hear her coming through the door now.

"If the kids have a success, it is because they did something that she suggested, a failure is due to them not heeding her advice."

Yeah stuff like that could be damaging to them. That needs to stop.

Also the thing about some HPD's that are usually dual diagnosed with NPD is if they are female and have a little girl they usually have this disgusting jealousy towards their child that comes out in passive agression towards them as the HPD dual diagnosed with NPD is actually jealous of her little girl for being younger and getting more attention than the HPD for being a little child who needs attention and support and has no control over being so young.

So mind bending these personality disorders can be at times.

Hi touchofgray,

I feel for your situation and I hope all the best thats possible comes out of it for both you and your daughters.

Unfortunately, I can't really help you directly with any advice as I dont have any kids of my own, and this alone means there is much more dynamics going on in the household compared to my situation.

However, my ex-HPD has a little girl who was 8 y.o when we were living together. I didn't realise that my ex had HPD until after I left her but I certainly knew that she had "issues" and her daughter was obviously going down the track of learning her mothers ways. I always tried to be consistant in how I delt with both mother and daughter. Certainly with the daughter I believe improvements were evident in her behaviour. Even her HPD mother had commented to me a number of times how my presence was a positive influence in her daughters life. This may have been part of my ex's "building me up" tactics, but I did see an improvement myself. With my ex though, with a lifetime of manipulation, tantrums, whatever .... my presence was not enough.

You though, are at least in a situation where she is seeing a therapist while you are still together. This is at least positive.

For you AND your children, perhaps the way to go is to lead by example. I haven't read the book you mention, but the book "Emotional Vampires" gives good advice on how to deal with these people, setting boundaries, how not to get involved in their theatrics etc.... (BTW thanks KX, good book)

You need to develop a strategy, work out "your role" and how you will play out that role when she acts like the way she does..... and stick to that strategy and do not make allowances or deviate. She must be told there are consequences for her actions; and when she waivers you MUST deliver on those consequences. If she is saveable, slowly she will start to associate the behaviour with the consequences. You see, they are already adept at making that connection ... thats what they do every day when they act up. The advice in the book also says that you must still praise good deeds or good behaviour ... so you are still giving them the attention they need/want. What I have said is a bit of a readers digest version though ... you need to get the whole picture, so read the book if you can.

____________________


I've got a question though, I've just done a search on the book you've mentioned, it appears to be more directed to people dealing with partners of BPD not HPD. Did you find it helpful enough anyway?? Does it give good tips on how to deal with them and how you should handle yourself??
Cheers

Wife came back from her first psychiatrist visit today, and about twenty minutes of discussion, and he tells her nothing wrong with her.

Our marraige counsler had suggested that she has either BPD, Histionic (the one I beleive) or Narcissistic PD. The counsler is the third therapist who has suggested that these are probable scenarios. We have been seeing the therapist for months. Another friend of the family who has known us for years has made the same suggestions (she is a liscensed therapist as well).

After reading the "Walking on Eggshells" book, I was pretty convinced as this is how I feel around her, as do most of the people around my wife who have discussed this with me. I am at a loss as what to do next. [/b]

Maybe the psychiatrist she saw hadn't really had much, if any, experience in HPD recognition.

Twenty minutes doesn't sound like a long time to me. If she is HPD then in that short space of time your wife would have come across as affable and charming..... hence the negative diagnosis. Other people in your life have suggested HPD ... don't let this one person blow away any avenues you might have. Because if she is HPD, then you will need a structured plan to deal with it.

Maybe YOU should canvas other psyciatrists to see if they have good experience in HPD diagnosis ... then if you find one, go to the first session, or couple of sessions.

You haven't been too specific about what she does, but if she was anything like my ex-HPD partner, she will twist the truth and manipulate a situation to get what she wants out of it. Accountability is the key, and without you being present with the psychiatrist, she will not be held accountable and will have free reign over the meeting to do and say as she pleases.

"Wife came back from her first psychiatrist visit today, and about twenty minutes of discussion, and he tells her nothing wrong with her."

Some therapists/psychiatrists/counselors actually have a prejudice against the personality disordered and refuse to treat or diagnose them in hopes that they will go some place else for help as they are so manipulative and so difficult to treat.

Its unfortunate but a reality.

There is also the sad fact that many therapists are not familiar with Cluster B Personality Disorders as well.

Bottom line is the doctor that said she was ok is either the type that doesn't want to deal with them, the type that doesn't know or like many nons was fooled by your wife's normalcy act while she was getting evaluated.

Getting her to go to another psych is going to be tough. She thinks everyone else is at fault and this just proves that ereryone else is just picking on her (me, the kids , her siblings and her mother) .

I am at a loss at what to do next. I am going back to see the original therapist now to try and get some direction.

Getting her to go to another psych is going to be tough. She thinks everyone else is at fault and this just proves that everyone else is just picking on her (me, the kids , her siblings and her mother) .

I am at a loss at what to do next. I am going back to see the original therapist now to try and get some direction.

She might also have lied to you about what the therapist said. My HPD sister got very angry at her therapist when he tried to get her to admit to her lies, manipulation techniques, etc and stopped seeing him. Is this a possibility with your wife?