Trying to learn myself

Hi to everyone, I'm trying to find some answers regarding if I might have some for of HPD.

I recently had a big break up, which led me to search fro answers as to the cause and the reason for my behaviour.

I was in a relathinship with a person I thought was perfect for me, I would have been happy to be friends if not lovers.

But when we were together and she was not giving me the affection I felt she realy had for me I lost the plot as it were. I kept pushing, trying to impress her, I gto paranoid, searched through her things etc, trying to find answers as to why she didn't like me as I liked her, why things had changed and trying to find evidence of there being another man.

But the thing that makes me wonder if this was HPD or not is the fact that I was always trying to show her I could be better. I cared for her and wanted to try and understand her, I felt she didn't take me seriously, or when I tried to explain myself she didn't get me. I miss took gestures of friendship as signs of hidden affection. I kept denying pas indescresions when I knew she knew about them, ofetn conceeding and saying that it didn't matter because I loved her.

When it all ended I tried despratly to get her back, trying to explain my actions, trying to find any reason for what I did.

But after the break up I felt like I was waking up, things she had said to me took a new meaning, it felt like I could think again, I looked back on it all and realised where I had mistook things. During the whole relathionship I cared for her feelings and didn't want to upset her, I tried to integrate myself into her life.

I did some research on HPD and found several of the symptoms present in my past history. I can be charming and very manipulative, especially to get something or someone I want. I don't think I crave being the center of attention but it seems that I make an effort ot get in there and one up the people, build a bond by relating to a story they tell or to add an anecdote of my own.

If I look at past relathionships I can see a pattern of good beginings and bad endings. I'm very explorative both sexually and in my life, I enjoy excitment and new things. I over indulge in Alcohol, cigaretes etc. But I usually prefer to do things with someone else or a group.

I can be very flexible in social situations, I try to get along with anyone and find anything intresting. I also find that when I'm intrested in a girl I often make unapropriate sexual comments hints etc, which often scares them off.

I'm bright and smart, I try to be a nice guy and don't want to hurt the people I care for. But I find myself doing things that are not appropriate such as invasion of privacy, I become suspicious, I watch people and react to them rather than being myself. I've been described as calculating.

Some of these points seem contrary to the defined version of HPD, I was wondering if HPD gradually takes form over time slowly developing worse. If I look through my past I can see several flags pointing out possible HPD. But the fact that I care and thefact that I'm trying to better myself does that mean I have something else? Or do I have the potential to develop HPD if I don't handle these issues now.

I live in a place where proffesional psychriatric help is hard to find if not impossible. I was hopping for any help regarding this issue or of someone could perhaps direct me to somewhere where there is some sort of online evaluation I can take.

If I do have HPD and I want to change myself and help myself overcome it can anyone give any suggestions as to things one can do or change in one's life that would help in that matter?

I know I've been a bit vague but I'm trying to find out where my problem is, there is definetly something that went wrong in my head and made me behave out of character, just trying to pin it down and find out how to better myself.

Thanks for any help

"Some of these points seem contrary to the defined version of HPD, I was wondering if HPD gradually takes form over time slowly developing worse."

Most of what I've read says people who have HPD develop it as a result of trauma in early childhood.

However I read on this very forum a woman that said she was HPD say she developed it when she was older after having been overweight her whole life but then once she lost it she began seeking constant attention and then was eventually professionally diagnosed as having HPD so I'd wager that means someone with HPD traits could probably develop the fullblown disorder if they don't be mindful of their actions and effects on others and themselves regularly.

"If I look through my past I can see several flags pointing out possible HPD. But the fact that I care and thefact that I'm trying to better myself does that mean I have something else? Or do I have the potential to develop HPD if I don't handle these issues now."

I don't think you are HPD. You do exhibit some of the traits but hey much of what you've described you do non HPD's do when first meeting someone as well out of nervousness ie the not being themselves thing.

Well at least until they are comfortable and feel they know the new person well enough.

If you never get comfortable around new people you meet and never feel you can be yourself with them then yeah you could have a problem on your hands here.

Also the calculating thing sounds kind of like it could be sociopathic but only if you with your calculating behaviour are using it to maximize benefits for yourself and essentially setting the other person or people up for the fall if you judge they have betrayed you somehow or you think it would be fun to hurt people.

So basically if you are calculating but don't use it as a way to hurt people or as a pathological way to protect yourself from an imagined threat then it sounds like a normal persons type of being calculating and cautious.

I used to use any means to get what I wanted out of a person. Lies slight of hand etc. But I realised that by doing so I was setting out for a fall in the long run.

Perhaps is just a case of not knowing myself and what I really want. I think some self confidence issues might have something do do with it. At first I really thought I had HPD, but then like you said there were several contradictions to the norm classification. The more I research the more doubtfull I was. Hence the post for clarification.

There are a few taumatic events in my past that would definetly cause some sort of mental inballance or at least create some mental scarring. But off course the problem with self diagnosis is eventually thinking you have something you don't.

Maybe it's just a case of lack of experience in certain aspects of life.

Thanks for the reply, you've put my mind at ease. Perhaps the answer is something more simpler I've overlooked.

Just some quick questions,

Is it possible to discover the potential of HPD in a person before the onset of the disorder?

If a person is suceptible to HPD and the the potential is discovered before the Dissorder manifests itself can it be combated or prevented or is the knowledge of potential HPD enough and the reconition of the asociated problems?

Do people with HPD always have it? How does it develop? is it gradual, based on the patient history?

Are there other disorders or illnesses that may initially be miss interpreted as possible HPD?

Thanks for any information to the above.

"Just some quick questions,

Is it possible to discover the potential of HPD in a person before the onset of the disorder?"

Maybe through observing ever increasing attempts to attract attention that could go to incredible lengths of ridiculousness until the woman finds out that using sexuality is her best lure.

In a man's case maybe its the same but moreso through charm than availability if you get my meaning.

"If a person is suceptible to HPD and the the potential is discovered before the Dissorder manifests itself can it be combated or prevented or is the knowledge of potential HPD enough and the reconition of the asociated problems?"

Someone that recognizes and admits that they exhibit many of the symptoms of HPD and could possibly be HPD may not actually have it as HPD's use denial and dissociation to get through their problems and deal with life. If a person that knows them presents them with information that they have HPD on some level the HPD may know that person is correct about them but their internal measures of protecting themselves through denial and dissociation keeps them from fully accepting those painful truths about their lives so usually after a few days away from that knowledge bearer they go back to believing all is fine and dandy and they don't have a problem at all.

Like a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder self realization for HPD's of what they are and acceptance of it usually only comes with a life crisis like a death in the family or someother horrible thing that breaks up their disorder's ability to effectively manage their life and mask their problems that the disorder brought about.

Some of them wake up to what they have finally after years of failed relationships and inability to connect with people.

Meaning they realize and accept they have some kind of problem then they begin doing their own research to find out what that problem is which of course brings them to HPD.

"Do people with HPD always have it? How does it develop? is it gradual, based on the patient history?"

HPD is a pathological form of the healthy dramatic personality.
After succesful therapy with one of them they will always be a dramatic personality but the cruel things they did by being HPD will be no more.

"Are there other disorders or illnesses that may initially be miss interpreted as possible HPD?

Thanks for any information to the above."

Yeah, I've read some forms of depression can be diagnosed as HPD wrongfully and vice versa.

Probably bipolar disorder I'm thinking.