I am HPD and have some thoughts

Mylife wrote:
"Sometimes I feel guilty, but more times than not, I brush it off and THANK the Lord that I have gotten past that story. We DENY and DENY the truth in our minds, to the point that we almost believe our own lies to hold the truth. But really it is to protect ourselves from what we fear the most - being rejected, disliked, disowned, ridiculed, or shamed.....IF we told the truth about many of our actions we would be forced to reckon with our demons and the fact that maybe deep down inside we are living a life that constitutes one big lie. "

Mylife, thank you for this informative post. I wonder, do you consider these problems to constitute a health problem, rather than a willful predatory act? The reason I'm asking is there is a difference between, say, an Enron executive trying to rob people for all they have -all while he has all the wealth in the world; and a person trying to avoid the severe depression that follows by trying to be in a relationship they are not equipped for, all while being unable to stand alone.

Following this logic it is possible you COULD face the truth about your actions and not fear being "rejected, disliked, disowned, ridiculed, or shamed", given that a health problem needs treatment, not shame or ridicule. It seems to me the main problem is the lack of education people have around mental illness, -what was called "possession by the devil" not so long ago would be referred to as schizophrenia or epilepsy today. If you can find validation, perhaps outside sexual relations, and be honest with select true friends about your difficulties, there is a possibility you can face your issues without shame; thereby avoiding the rejection, disliking, disowning and ridicule as well.

Mylife, many of us here struggle with shame and depression following what happened to us, and many of us struggle with how to communicate with friends and family about what happened. Many of us face belittling comments of how naive we were to get involved with a disordered person, and on this board it is not hard to find statements that express hate towards the mentally disordered. In spite of this, I have found that the best cure for my own sense of shame is to express my own grief and disappointment to friends and family, and I have found that most people will react with empathy and respect.

We all face problems. All of us cope the best we can. As you are in therapy, I believe you are dealing with your troubles better than most. As time goes by I hope you can find courage, and that your resistance to change will decrease. If for no other reason, perhaps your sense of adventure can allow you to try another way to relate to people around you: it's something you haven't tried before, and the current method isn't giving you much satisfaction. Why not try it?

Good luck.