I am HPD and have some thoughts

First, I came to this site because I was looking to read about other HPD individuals - it was shocking to me to see that most visitors to the HPD site are victims of HPD abuse, not the HPD individuals themselves.

I have been diagnosed HPD by my therapist. I always knew something was wrong with me because I did things so differently than my girlfriends. I have often been told I am like a "dude" in my actions because I am non-committal and have always "played" in relationships. I have a history of affairs, broken hearts, and superifical relationships. I can say that I have had some good times in my actions, but I hurt more than anything else. It is so sad and lonely to never really feel close to anyone - especially a man. I am terrified to ever feel vulnerable so I chose partners who "fall for me" and then I date others while I have a steady partner. I dont want to be this person, but I cannot figure out in other way. I get so easily BORED and dread routine like the plague. I crave excitement and spontaniety. Sex is something that is not used for pleasure and intimacy, but rather an ego-boost and thrill. That is so sad to me. I seduce people by being hypersexual and dont really even get anything out of it for myself.

i am 30, professional, masters degree, successful etc.....I look at others who can have long intimate relationships and I feel so envious. Will I ever have this? I dont know if I will due to my tendency to quickly bore or crave excitement.

I guess I just wanted to say that I never do anything to hurt anyone. It is about my own survival needs. I have such severe anxiety but when I am doing something exciting or new I tend to feel better. It is so sad. I am trying to work on things in therapy, but I am resistant to change because I cannot see another way to live.

My therapist has told me that people with Obsessive Compuslive Personality disorder (different than ocd) tend to be attracted to HPD's. It might be interesting for those of you who find yourself falling for HPD's to think about the possibility of OCPD in you. They are like opposites and balance each other out.

Interesting.

I hope you stick around the forum and offer your input as you see fit mylife.

Don't be fooled by any of the angry victim posts you see.

You are very welcome here.

Just so you know though this forum was a ghost town before the victim posters showed up as HPD's never arrived in droves in the beginning to make this place their own.

It would be great if more showed up to create a 50/50 balance but hey its not a perfect world as we all well know.

Welcome mylife! Wow, your lines could have been written by my ex-boyfriend.....sorry that I've nothing to offer you other than a virtual hug....I understand and I know it's difficult. I appreciate your outing here.

Interesting consideration about OCPD, I didn't know this. Personally I haven't the slightest hint of ocpd, it's true that I'm not specially attracted by hpd's, just stumbled upon a charming one in the course of my life. I'm more of a paranoid person, not a good match anyway for hpd's . But reading you I see also hints of my younger self....really, I've been a bit like this in a distant past, so I can understand: I kept wandering until I understood myself, and now....well, I keep wandering because I've to find my place, I guess I'll have no much peace in my life.

All the best to you! Love, kj

Thanks for the welcome! I know it is not easy for those who have been scorned by a HPD to be accepting or compassionate towards one of us HPD'ers. But please know, that we have pain too.

This weekend I have been so bored. The only thing that i can think of to release myself from this boredom would be to engage in an affair.....and quite frankly, if this one man that I am interested in would respond to me, that is what I would be doing right now.
Being with someone new would be exciting and fun. But most of all would be VALIDATING. i think that for many HPD's our problems stem from needing to be validated by others - and because we know sexuality so well, that is what we use to "hook someone".

Has anyone seen Match Point rental movie? I watched it last night and it was amazing. I think that Scarlett played a somewhat histrionic woman.....I could FEEL her PAIN at the end when she fought to keep him. She trapped him with her sexuality and charm....yet became vulernable in the end and hurt. I think THIS scenario is what so many HPD's fear the most - VULNERABILITY and LOSS.....If we have multiple relationships, then we have less potential to lose anything. Sad but true. If you havent seen the movie, I recommend you check it out.

I welcome your participation, as I am curious to hear opinions from someone with HPD.

I understand that may people with HPD must be tormented on the insight, being pulled in different directions by different emotions and perhaps not knowing why they have these needs that other around will not understand or approve.

Please feel free to see my recent post and make any comments regarding my past situation. People have offered insight that I have found to be both interesting and enlightening.

"Has anyone seen Match Point rental movie? I watched it last night and it was amazing. I think that Scarlett played a somewhat histrionic woman.....I could FEEL her PAIN at the end when she fought to keep him. She trapped him with her sexuality and charm....yet became vulernable in the end and hurt. I think THIS scenario is what so many HPD's fear the most - VULNERABILITY and LOSS.....If we have multiple relationships, then we have less potential to lose anything. Sad but true. If you havent seen the movie, I recommend you check it out."

I haven't seen it but I will be on the lookout for it appearing on one of my pay channels like HBO or Cinamax, etc.

Also I highly recommend the movie Blue Sky to you starring Jessica Lange and Tommy Lee Jones.

Posters on another forum who had also been victimized by HPD's said it was great and I read somewhere a professor or psychologist (not sure what he was but it was important lol) say it was an excellent example of Histrionic Personality Disorder though when it does come on TV in your cable guide it doesn't say HPD they either describe the character as depressed or some other depressive disorder and that may well be the case but she is also very descriptive of a severe HPD case.

I watched it and it was hard for me to do as Jessica Lange so accurately portrayed the way my ex was.

Anyway I'd been hoping to get a genuine HPD as a chat buddy for a long time now to learn what I can from a true HPD's perspective and have had to settle for an ASPD and BPD with a somewhat similar but not completely the same mindset so if you have an IM program like MSN Messenger or AIM mylife feel free to PM me your contact information or whatever if you wish. Email address is even good.

If not thats cool but I would be very happy to speak with you on one of those as much more can be said and learned using them than here.

mylife wrote: I always knew something was wrong with me because I did things so differently than my girlfriends. I have often been told I am like a "dude" in my actions because I am non-committal and have always "played" in relationships. I have a history of affairs, broken hearts, and superifical relationships. I can say that I have had some good times in my actions, but I hurt more than anything else. It is so sad and lonely to never really feel close to anyone - especially a man. I am terrified to ever feel vulnerable so I chose partners who "fall for me" and then I date others while I have a steady partner. I dont want to be this person, but I cannot figure out in other way. I get so easily BORED and dread routine like the plague. I crave excitement and spontaniety. Sex is something that is not used for pleasure and intimacy, but rather an ego-boost and thrill. That is so sad to me. I seduce people by being hypersexual and dont really even get anything out of it for myself.

i am 30, professional, masters degree, successful etc.....I look at others who can have long intimate relationships and I feel so envious. Will I ever have this? I dont know if I will due to my tendency to quickly bore or crave excitement.

I guess I just wanted to say that I never do anything to hurt anyone. It is about my own survival needs. I have such severe anxiety but when I am doing something exciting or new I tend to feel better. It is so sad. I am trying to work on things in therapy, but I am resistant to change because I cannot see another way to live.

Bloody hell, I'm exactly like you just described above. But I don't have professional career but something else. I found it hard to work with women cuz they don't seem to like me at all. Sometimes I can hear them talking behind my back. I think they're just jealous about my appearance cuz I've had a few plastic surgery operations.
I'm not happy about the way I see other people and the world.
Most of the time I'm just depressed and thinking about the way I look. Getting old frightens me a lot. When I go out I just love all the attention and compliments I get from men. I love skimpy clothing and wherever I go people always notice me.

mylife wrote:This weekend I have been so bored. The only thing that i can think of to release myself from this boredom would be to engage in an affair.....and quite frankly, if this one man that I am interested in would respond to me, that is what I would be doing right now.
Being with someone new would be exciting and fun. But most of all would be VALIDATING. i think that for many HPD's our problems stem from needing to be validated by others - and because we know sexuality so well, that is what we use to "hook someone".

And this one as well. So much like my own thoughts. I've left behind many broken hearts and a marriage (I cheated my hubby about 20 times). Because of this behaviour. I crave novelty and change. I can't have any proper relationships with anybody cuz I always cheat. I have tried not to cheat but I can't help my behaviour, it's like an obsession for me. I'm 30 as well.
If you wanna chat with me just feel free to PM me!

Sarina5 -

I DREAD aging like everyday. I avoid the sun entirely because I am afraid of wrinking. I already PLAN on having plastic surgery - I have been to surgeons to discuss plastic surgery but have not done as of now.

I actually have a few good female friends who lucky for me accept me as I am! I think they like my wild and carefree style.

I cheat on everybody and dont think I can stop doing it. Stopped once for three years but it was because I was pregnant and then I tried to stop for my baby - but eventually I gave in to my old habits....by the way, I was MISERABLE when I was not cheating. Totally depressed and anxious.....Once I started having affairs my life got fun again.

I dont have IM but please send me a personal message. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything??? Tried to get help?

I should tell you that I am a mental health therapist...and although I self-diagnosed myself - I have been too several therapists myself who have confirmed my anxiety disorder and HPD! I think i go to therapy to amuse the doctor and tell my crazy stories. So silly cause I really do want to change, but do not have a CLUE how to do so without being totally depressed.

BUT the AGING thing is EXACTLY like me. I think about it everday and every minute. I cannot wait to get Botox...actually MSN had an article today that Botox in the forehead has been successful nine out of ten times at treating DEPRESSION. I LOVED hearing that!

Maybe we can learn from each other, eh?

If I assume anything that troubles you; please just let me know. I'll never mean to make you feel badly... sometimes people assume things that aren't necessarily true. Sorry if I ever do that.

Here's a question for you....

When you lie to a guy, particularly if it's something that defies logic and fact... sort of like the kid who swears he didn't take any cookies from the cookie jar, even though she has cookie crumbs on her lips....

Do you know you're lying?

What goes through your mind?