Maybe I'm getting paranoid ...

Hi all again,

As some of you may have read before, I left my ex-HPD g/f in November. Back 2 months ago (even that late I didnt know she had HPD), I had a phone convo with her which got quite heated. I told her that I knew she had not been honest to her family about the reasons I left her and I also said that she may have even made up stories about me .... hence their reactions to me when I did see or talk to members of her family. She told me that what she needed was for me to tell her that I didn't love her anymore and that I didn't want to see her again. I obliged!

I have come to the conclusion, and you guys on this forum have all been really helpful here, is that the best way to deal with my ex-HPD is not to return any attempted contact from her. I know to some of you that sounds harsh, but the majority will know that if I give in and return her calls, texts etc, this to her, will be an open invitation for her to continue and escalate the contact.

Today she tried to call me on my home phone when I wasn't home. She doesn't know that I now have caller ID so I can screen her calls. The thing is that she didn't leave a message .... when the answering machine cut in she just hung up. I believe she wants to catch me off guard and try to trap me in some sort of conversation. She thinks that if she has my ear, she has a chance.

This is on the back of her constantly sending e-mails, texting me, sending regular-mail, sending parcels, dropping off boxes of stuff to my front door. This has been going on since I left her, but within the last few weeks it has been getting more frequent.

During the relationship, whenever she wasn't getting the attention she wanted, she would seeth with volatility and anger .... twisting the truth around so she can play the victim ... with all the usual palava that went with it.... always directed at me.

Every time she tries to contact me, even when I saw her in the street last week (luckily she didnt see me) I can feel my heart starting to pound with I suppose some sort of anxiety or maybe fear! It feels like she is stalking me and if her attempts to contact me continue and become more frequent I have decided that the first thing I will do is ring her father and ask him to tell his daughter to stop stalking me. This may at the least start to ring alarm bells with her family.

What I am afraid of now is that her intense anger may manifest into something seriously aimed at me. I don't think she is the type that would threaten suicide let alone attempt it (she already used that one telling everyone that her ex-hubbie attempted suicide which I now believe is a BS story she made up), but I'm now begining to wonder if she is capable of actual physical violence, maybe even the big "M"!

Maybe I'm getting paranoid ... but any comments would be helpful.

Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.

Violence and stalking isn't really the pure HPD's territory.

It is however that of some BPD's.

BPD's do the same act HPD's do to draw in an unsuspecting man.
The only real twist to it where you can seperate their act from the HPD's is they act overly nice whereas the HPD will just build you up act cute and obsessed with you and as a result you fall in love with her.

The BPD's do that too but with their behaviour comes the overly nice act.

So anyway what I advise you to do if your gut instinct is telling you something really bad is about to happen is notify her parents but before that file a restraining order against her.

The case stories I've read of some of the worst BPD's the girl either committed suicide when her attempts to get a man back failed or one of them drove her car into the guys house hoping she'd kill him and herself.

Take all of this very seriously.

Your life may very well be at risk!

Yeah though definitely contact the police.

Your freedom could also be at risk!

Some of these girls when they feel they are slighted will claim you raped them and try to have you arrested or she might beat herself up and claim you did it and you'll be jailed and possibly imprisoned later.

However I feel that if you contact the authorities first and explain the situation and get that restraining order filed she may have less of a chance of pulling this b.s on you and succeeding.

Also you may want to contact your phone company and get records of the calls that happened from her as that will help if you have to go to court to prove she is stalking you.

If you are able to record her calls too that will help if you have a setup where people that call you can leave a voice message without you picking up.

Man - you have some serious fears there.

With allt he craziness regarding my troubled ex-lady...I dont fear getting offed!

You need a restraining order and talk with her parents.

When I realised she had some sort of PD I did read up on BPD as well. There are a few things about her that make me think she is HPD rather than BPD.

1. Her phantom pregnancy many years ago.
2. No known history of violence.
3. Her own reaction to aggressive behaviour against her from her ex-husband. Basically her bowels would turn to water whenever confronted by him in this manner.
4. Her history of affairs.
5. The numer of sexual partners she has had since I left her. That number was 3 back in February after only 6 weeks since she claimed that I rejected her for a meeting on New Years Eve.
6. Her distorted and unrealistic fears of aging and losing her looks.
7. Her "mystery" chest pains that would come and go with no pattern and certainly no medical evidence of any cause.
8. Shallow and rapidly shifting emotional states.
9. By her own words, her capcity to be able to love more than one person.
10. Her claim, at the begining of our relationship, that her and I are soulmates.
11. Her feelings are very easily hurt ... cannot take any critisism.

There is other stuff that I wont go on with but they all seem to be mostly in the realm of the HPD. Granted though, I am certainly no expert and the similarities between the 2 disorders are definately there so maybe she could be BPD.

Also, I believe that the reason she is constantly trying to contact me is because she really does just want me back in her life. I don't think (at least at this stage) that she wants to hurt me.... but that may change too. I don't know.

I will certainly be on the lookout for signs of aggression and malicious intent in her communications to me, and at the first sign I will call the cops. I have already started marking on the calendar the days she has attempted to get in touch with me.

I think we need to realize that as much as me love and care for these girls (or guys), that they do not operate and play by the sames rules that we do. They are unpredicable, erratic, volatile....and are capable of things that we cannot comprehend.

They themselves dont know why they behave the way they do - so they rationalize, repress, and deny in a desperate effort to avoid facing the fact thay they are suffering from some mental disorder. Trying to help them is trying to tear down there whole sense of reality.

My HPD almost had a nervous breakdown when I would try to force her to face some of the realities of her past actions. Its like she knew the truth deep down, but had to force herself to believe a different version of certain incidents to be able to liver with herself.

Before I knew she had a disorder, I would sometimes confront her about certain things and tell her she was not being a decent person. She would freak out and tell me "I am a good person, I am..." as if she was asking me to reassure her.


My point is, they are not trrying to do bad things or be bad people, they just can't help it. And their potential for erratic behavior should cause concern for anyone who plans of spending time with these people. As a friend put it to me, rahter harshy "You play with fire, dont be surprised if you get burned"

What you say is true for a pure HPD or BPD case spiral but not for an HPD or a BPD thats dual diagnosed with NPD or ASPD.

The dual diagnosis ones know what they do they just don't care either way because their emotions are so shallow and fickle or they are just out for themselves but the point is the ones that are dual diagnosed know all of the bad things they do and have full control over their actions.

Hey guys.
How are you all doing.

Personally, do you think that these people ever really think about what their Dx's could be - and in general, have they ever put themselves out there for dxing?

A question i would like to put to you all if you dont mind.....

Have any of your partners/ex's that you now think could have problems actually been to a psychiatrist/psycologist????

If not, why do you think that is.

Have you actually told them that you think they had a problem - if so how, and how did they respond??

How did you realise that they had a problem?? (aside from the usual behaviour problems, what drove you to look deeper and why are you here?)

I also have to ask you all - how open are you to counselling/therapy yourselves.

How much did you think you needed it before, and how much do you think you need it after interacting with this person?

Were you open to therapy in the first place - or not and have learned what you have since and if you werent what has changed your minds?

Have you ever suggested a disorder and or therapy to the now ex/or current partner in your life whilst they were still with you and if so what was the response?

I'll answer as best as I can starzie....

Have any of your partners/ex's that you now think could have problems actually been to a psychiatrist/psycologist????
Yes definately. Mine told me that she had been to all of the flavours of help in a two week period ie: psychiatrist, psycologist, counsellor, meditation classes and philosophy classes (?? go figure that one) because she said she was in the deapest darkest depths of depression after I "rejected" her on New Years Eve.

Have you actually told them that you think they had a problem - if so how, and how did they respond??
When I left her, I did suggest some counselling to help her "find herself". You see, she left her husband to be with me and she never had the chance to be alone, to find peace in herself and to deal with her past. She went from one relationship immediately into another. I never had the chance to tell her I thought she had an actual diagnosable problem. When I left her I did remind her of all the behavioural stunts that she pulled on me over the time and how I felt about them ... and she responded immediately with apologies, sadness and sorrow ... all of which seemd a bit fake. I didn't realise that she had HPD until about 3 months afterwards.

How did you realise that they had a problem?? (aside from the usual behaviour problems, what drove you to look deeper ...
After I left her, with all my confused states of emotion towards her... ie: not knowing if I still loved her, I felt guilty for leaving, would I go back to her if she addressed her "issues" ... all this stuff but I found out she slandered me to her family and MOST IMPORTANTLY I knew I left her because she manipulated me emotionally and twisted the truth around to constantly make her look like a victim. With all of that going on in my head, I was reflecting (post-relationship) on a story she told me at the begining of our relationship. She told me that about 9-10 years ago she had a Phantom Pregnancy. I got to wondering what do the psychologists say about that. A lot of the stuff I found was "intense WANT for a child", abusive marriage/partnership and Histrionic Personality Disorder. Never hearing about this before I continued to look up what HPD was all about.
OHHH MY GOD .... all the symptoms from the DSM-IV were right there in front of me like someone had been taking notes through every moment of our relationship. "$#%^" I thought .... there is actually a whole disorder associated here!

... and why are you here?)
Even though my friends and family have been very supportive, I felt as if none of them could really understand why I was behaving so confused, why I was unsure of myself, why I felt guilty and angry at the same time, why I felt "ripped off". It certainly didn't help with the fact that she continued to ring me, text me, send mail, drop stuff around ... I felt like she was stalking me and I was starting to suffer from anxiety .... I was starting to freak out with her incessant contact. No-one I know has ever had the pleasure of coming across someone like this in an intimate relationship. Ultimately my family and friends were starting to say things like "you just need to forget about her and move on". I knew that I had to let go but I found it just so hard to put it all behind me. I felt like an empty shell after she sucked me dry of my emotions and attention. Even though my friends and family had the best intentions, none of them understood. I needed more help. I started to look for sites, forums etc with advice from people who are ex-partners of people with HPD. I felt if I could listen to what other people with similar experiences had to say, I could understand her situation a bit better and I could understand what was going on in my head better. All with the idea to help me get over her, respond in the right way, get my own thoughts back in my head, start living my life again, look forward to the future ... that sort of stuff. So here I am ... I found this place ... hence my first post here "Trying to let go...".

I also have to ask you all - how open are you to counselling/therapy yourselves.
I am open to the idea and have actually already considered it. If at the very least to get advice on how to deal with her (although this forum has been great in that regard, thanks everyone), and also maybe to look at the reasons I perhaps fell into this relationship.

How much did you think you needed it before ...
My sister is actually a counsellor and she is about 7 years my senior. She has helped me over the years with my lack of confidence when it comes to meeting women. In a work or social environment I have no problems, but when it comes to taking that next step to approaching a woman to talk to her and to ask her for a date, I find that a bit difficult sometimes. I would prefer to get to know someone through a social activity first (eg: through my local swimming or cycling club) then go from there .... going to the local pub to "pick up" has never been my forte.

...and how much do you think you need it after interacting with this person?
If I didn't have a great bunch of friends and family I probably would have already gone by now, but as I said before, just to get advice on how do deal with her from here on in (which I believe I'm making good ground in that area from talking lots to my family and friends and on this forum, reading books etc). Although there is the confidence issue which I would like to get sorted out.

Were you open to therapy in the first place ...
Apart from talking to my sister heaps over the years, I went to a counselling session many years ago but found it to be quite a strange experience. I just didn't feel comfortable with the counsellor.

... or not, and have learned what you have since, and if you weren't (open) what has changed your minds?
N/A.

Have you ever suggested a disorder and or therapy to the now ex/or current partner in your life whilst they were still with you and if so what was the response?
I didn't suggest a disorder while I was still with her as I was not aware that one actually existed. I wasn't even aware of what she was doing to me (manipulation of me, twisting of the truth, all to make her look like a victim and make it look like I was victimizing her) until one night she went totally overboard with the "I'm a victim" act, but when I left her I did suggest some counselling to help her "find herself". The reason I suggested this was because I told her I was leaving her because of her constant manipulative behaviour which I couldn't handle any more and she responded by blaming her behaviour on her ex-husband. She called it "learned behaviour" from him. At the time I simply accepted her explanation as fact and suggested she get some counselling to get the "learned ex-husbands behaviour" out of her system.

Her response was accepting of the prospect for counselling.

There you go starzie .... I hope this helps!