by MyBrainISMelting » Sat May 20, 2006 3:50 pm
I'll answer as best as I can starzie....
Have any of your partners/ex's that you now think could have problems actually been to a psychiatrist/psycologist????
Yes definately. Mine told me that she had been to all of the flavours of help in a two week period ie: psychiatrist, psycologist, counsellor, meditation classes and philosophy classes (?? go figure that one) because she said she was in the deapest darkest depths of depression after I "rejected" her on New Years Eve.
Have you actually told them that you think they had a problem - if so how, and how did they respond??
When I left her, I did suggest some counselling to help her "find herself". You see, she left her husband to be with me and she never had the chance to be alone, to find peace in herself and to deal with her past. She went from one relationship immediately into another. I never had the chance to tell her I thought she had an actual diagnosable problem. When I left her I did remind her of all the behavioural stunts that she pulled on me over the time and how I felt about them ... and she responded immediately with apologies, sadness and sorrow ... all of which seemd a bit fake. I didn't realise that she had HPD until about 3 months afterwards.
How did you realise that they had a problem?? (aside from the usual behaviour problems, what drove you to look deeper ...
After I left her, with all my confused states of emotion towards her... ie: not knowing if I still loved her, I felt guilty for leaving, would I go back to her if she addressed her "issues" ... all this stuff but I found out she slandered me to her family and MOST IMPORTANTLY I knew I left her because she manipulated me emotionally and twisted the truth around to constantly make her look like a victim. With all of that going on in my head, I was reflecting (post-relationship) on a story she told me at the begining of our relationship. She told me that about 9-10 years ago she had a Phantom Pregnancy. I got to wondering what do the psychologists say about that. A lot of the stuff I found was "intense WANT for a child", abusive marriage/partnership and Histrionic Personality Disorder. Never hearing about this before I continued to look up what HPD was all about.
OHHH MY GOD .... all the symptoms from the DSM-IV were right there in front of me like someone had been taking notes through every moment of our relationship. "$#%^" I thought .... there is actually a whole disorder associated here!
... and why are you here?)
Even though my friends and family have been very supportive, I felt as if none of them could really understand why I was behaving so confused, why I was unsure of myself, why I felt guilty and angry at the same time, why I felt "ripped off". It certainly didn't help with the fact that she continued to ring me, text me, send mail, drop stuff around ... I felt like she was stalking me and I was starting to suffer from anxiety .... I was starting to freak out with her incessant contact. No-one I know has ever had the pleasure of coming across someone like this in an intimate relationship. Ultimately my family and friends were starting to say things like "you just need to forget about her and move on". I knew that I had to let go but I found it just so hard to put it all behind me. I felt like an empty shell after she sucked me dry of my emotions and attention. Even though my friends and family had the best intentions, none of them understood. I needed more help. I started to look for sites, forums etc with advice from people who are ex-partners of people with HPD. I felt if I could listen to what other people with similar experiences had to say, I could understand her situation a bit better and I could understand what was going on in my head better. All with the idea to help me get over her, respond in the right way, get my own thoughts back in my head, start living my life again, look forward to the future ... that sort of stuff. So here I am ... I found this place ... hence my first post here "Trying to let go...".
I also have to ask you all - how open are you to counselling/therapy yourselves.
I am open to the idea and have actually already considered it. If at the very least to get advice on how to deal with her (although this forum has been great in that regard, thanks everyone), and also maybe to look at the reasons I perhaps fell into this relationship.
How much did you think you needed it before ...
My sister is actually a counsellor and she is about 7 years my senior. She has helped me over the years with my lack of confidence when it comes to meeting women. In a work or social environment I have no problems, but when it comes to taking that next step to approaching a woman to talk to her and to ask her for a date, I find that a bit difficult sometimes. I would prefer to get to know someone through a social activity first (eg: through my local swimming or cycling club) then go from there .... going to the local pub to "pick up" has never been my forte.
...and how much do you think you need it after interacting with this person?
If I didn't have a great bunch of friends and family I probably would have already gone by now, but as I said before, just to get advice on how do deal with her from here on in (which I believe I'm making good ground in that area from talking lots to my family and friends and on this forum, reading books etc). Although there is the confidence issue which I would like to get sorted out.
Were you open to therapy in the first place ...
Apart from talking to my sister heaps over the years, I went to a counselling session many years ago but found it to be quite a strange experience. I just didn't feel comfortable with the counsellor.
... or not, and have learned what you have since, and if you weren't (open) what has changed your minds?
N/A.
Have you ever suggested a disorder and or therapy to the now ex/or current partner in your life whilst they were still with you and if so what was the response?
I didn't suggest a disorder while I was still with her as I was not aware that one actually existed. I wasn't even aware of what she was doing to me (manipulation of me, twisting of the truth, all to make her look like a victim and make it look like I was victimizing her) until one night she went totally overboard with the "I'm a victim" act, but when I left her I did suggest some counselling to help her "find herself". The reason I suggested this was because I told her I was leaving her because of her constant manipulative behaviour which I couldn't handle any more and she responded by blaming her behaviour on her ex-husband. She called it "learned behaviour" from him. At the time I simply accepted her explanation as fact and suggested she get some counselling to get the "learned ex-husbands behaviour" out of her system.
Her response was accepting of the prospect for counselling.
There you go starzie .... I hope this helps!