Is my ex-girlfriend HPD (or just a little strange)?

Wow - this has all been very enlightening. I feel like I've had my eyes shut for the last year and a half.

Well, the girl still tries to keep in touch with me and tells she is still in love meand that she still wants to be a part of my life, etc.

I am choosing to just ignore her completely and cut all ties. We have mutual friends and live in the same town, so it will be hard.

Her friends just think she is "unpredictable" and a little weird. Too bad they havent seen everything that I have seen. She has such a good act going - but I finally see her for what she is.

I would like to endorse the other posters on this thread that have stated that this lady has HPD. She shares a number of very telling traits with my ex girlfiend.

"I always had strong reservations about her being a potential wife (too fickle, demanding, quick-tempered, irrational, etc.) and mother (far too selfish, capricious, and short-sighted.) She often said unusual things and offensive things to me. She was far too impressed by superficial qualities (financial success, nice cars, clothes/style, grooming) and not very interested in deeper things like philosophy, politics, theories, etc. "

A lot of normal healthy people have no interest in politics, philosophy, etc, but apart from that she is HPD.

The sex was great in many ways, though she could be a selfish lover, she was great at stroking my ego. She was adventurous and wild, and I ate it up. I thought I was just giving a horny, ignored girl some much needed loving.

She knew exactly what you needed to be hooked.

She would go to her parent's home for the weekend (or her bf's home - she lied to me about this),

She knew that you wouldnt accept her behaviours if she was being honest with you.

She admitted to having seperation issues and found it hard to let go of anyone (she tries to keep in touch with old bf's) and I accepted this as irrational but not a completely deplorable characteristic.

This was definitely a red flag, but at least one that she admitted to and knew herself. Most people with HPD have seperation issues.

Throughout this period, she was emotional, cried often, complained that she felt like she was going crazy and "had two boyfriends." All the while, she insisted that she was only having sex with me.

When you say she complained - what do you mean? Did you not tell her that she had the power to change this situation - if not why not?

She exagerrated stories and conformed facts to fit her perception of reality. She was also very demanding, needy, and quick-tempered.

What sort of stories did she exaggerate, pity stories or stories to make you think she was a better person? This is also common with hpd, and either way is a need for attention. In what way was she quick tempered? When you didnt agree with her way, or in general?

The other red flags (lying to others, denial, repression of events)

Why would you, or did you accept this as ok behaviour - it clearly upset you. Did you ever call her on the lying or try to push your opinion with regard to the true series of events that had happened? If not why not?

however, from what i had heard they had a one-week fling during which time she had another boyfriend (in all of her stories involving cheating, she would always tell me they were on a "break")

From what you had heard from who? From her, or from others? Is it that she was able to tell you things that she didnt tell others or that you heard these things from others? Why do you think she had to tell you that they were on a break, do you think that is because you wouldnt see her in such a bad light?? If this is the case, did you ever question her motives??

That night, she was receiving many texts at dinner.

Did you question her on who was texting and show your dissaproval, if not why not? If you did what happened?

and I heard a male voice. She told him she would meet him up. Then, she told me she wanted to meet up some h.s. friends for an hour. She said they would be all girls and she would only be gone an hour. I let her go and stayed in her apt until she returned an hour later.

It seems from this that even though you were fairly sure that you heard a male voice, you did not question her on her lie about it would be all girls, until her return -have i got this right, and why did you decide not to intercept her lies before she went out???

Then, she wanted space...she told me that she was having doubts about me being "it" for her

.

This was because you were on to her, and her lies,and she knew that she couldnt pull a fast one on you easily. You had already called her on a big one.

She just wanted time to think. We spoke on the phone during space, but I noticed she was less available. She always had stories. So, after a few days, I told her I couldnt handle space and we ended it.

What did she want time to think about? The fact that you knew she was a liar? What stories did she have?
Why couldnt you handle the space - was it the space or was it the stories and lies and the fact that the space meant you needed to trust her and you didnt, because she was a liar? Did you explain this to her - if not, why not?

I asked her for reasons, but she never had any good reasons - it was her gut.

It was the fact she lied. She knew it and you knew it, yet you still wanted her. She knew you had her rumbled but didnt know why you would still want her. Why did you still want her?? (Honest question not sarcasm).

I was confused by the light switch ability to let me go when she previously couldnt let me go away for the weekend w/o calling me 20 times a day.

This is the running like hell bit, as they have met their match. She has realised, as you caught her out in her lies, and called her on it (cardinal sin) that you are not a stupid push over. Yet, at the same time, she respects you for this, as you meet her needs in the intelligence stakes. The respect for your intelligence might be something that she has not had to deal with before, or in a while so is a bit alien to her, and throws her feelings into chaos. She is used to being able to use her guile and her flirtiness to get out of any situation.

Then, a mutual friend told me that while she was talking to me (and stringing me along) she was spending time with the same guy she lied to me about meeting up with. Her lies during this period were pervasive and her ability to deny the truth was impressive.

This is the fall back method. For some reason people with HPD need to have a supply of attention, in any sort. This means that any slight attention she was able to gain off you, whilst keeping the other guy on the fence and receiving his attention was a form of comfort for her. It helped to quell her uncertainty of being totally alone. Something that i think a HPD wouldnt like too well.

I was pretty sure she did something she regretted and began acting strangly after this day. But before this incident (that same night) she was sending me texts about how much she loved me

I do not believe that HPD's are without guilt, especially over somethings they do. Its just that they do not think about these things at the time they are happening. Its almost a non-sensical way of processing information at the time it is happening. Like they just cant make the right judgement calls at the time, and decide to go with the moment. Their exhuberence and feeling that they can evoke in others when in this mood is infectious to those around. They are persuasive. They can almost fool themselves, in that moment, that what they are doing is not wrong, and then the reality hits them afterwards. I have no idea why this is as my thought processes are not the same. I try to think of the consequences of what i do.

I would try to point out why she was a flawed human - she would deny her actions and say "things happen - thats life

From what i have read, this would be a fruitless enterprise, as people with PD's, in general, cannot see life as others can, and therefore just cannot see where they are going wrong. They make the same mistakes over and over again.

She never likes talking about the details of our breakup shadiness (she calls me sick when I go over the details and question her about them)

The reason she cannot discuss these details is probably because she doesnt like the things she does, and sometimes, cant understand herself why she does them. This is one of the main reasons why it is so difficult to get a person who needs help into therapy. They have to want to do it themselves. If they cant or wont or dont want to admit their own mistakes enough to want to get help, then this is why this behaviour continues. Its a nasty spiral. I would think more so for them, as, as the years go by and they do more bad things, and more people get hurt, I do believe that they carry this with them, but it is easier to become the victim rather than the person who has caused these things to happen. The mind can play wonderful tricks on us.

By this post to you, Im just trying to ask you why you did certain things you did, and why you let certain things go.

I think that at some points in the early relationship, you had many times where you could have asked questions that you didnt, or called her on lies or behaviours that you didnt. I am curious to why this is. As some people would have done these things and not thought that they were wrong for doing so.
I understand that it is easy looking from the outside in, and here i stand. I am just curious.

What sort of stories did she exaggerate, pity stories or stories to make you think she was a better person? This is also common with hpd, and either way is a need for attention.

She exagerated stories to make them more interesting or entertaining. She would also distort the truth to make herself seem like a better person and to help her better rationalize her often irrational actions.

In what way was she quick tempered? When you didnt agree with her way, or in general?

She was quick-tempered with regards to a number of things - when I didnt do things her way, when I disagreed with her...a simple disagreement in her mind was an "agrument." She was quick to show her disapproval - which was often not in proportion for the "infraction". She had a bad temper.

Did you ever call her on the lying or try to push your opinion with regard to the true series of events that had happened? If not why not?

I learned early on to pick my battles with this girl. She usually lied that made it easier for her to live with herself or to make her appear to be a better person that she was. I thought she was just doing this to deal with this particular situation, rather than it being a pattern of behavior. So I cut her some slack sometimes.

however, from what i had heard they had a one-week fling during which time she had another boyfriend

From what you had heard from who? From her, or from others? Is it that she was able to tell you things that she didnt tell others or that you heard these things from others?

I heard this from her and from her friends.

Why do you think she had to tell you that they were on a break, do you think that is because you wouldnt see her in such a bad light?? If this is the case, did you ever question her motives??

Yes, definitely. She didnt want to appear to be a unfaithful or "loose" woman. She told me many versions of stories with her ex's and the flings that supposedly occured between her long-term relationships. However, as time went by, her stories were often inconsistent (timing, events, her motives, etc.) However, I could understand why she would lie about some past indiscretions. I was naive to believe it was all in the past

That night, she was receiving many texts at dinner.

Did you question her on who was texting and show your dissaproval, if not why not? If you did what happened?

I thought it was just her friends texting her - however, I was annoyed and made her stop.

and I heard a male voice. She told him she would meet him up. Then, she told me she wanted to meet up some h.s. friends for an hour. She said they would be all girls and she would only be gone an hour. I let her go and stayed in her apt until she returned an hour later.

It seems from this that even though you were fairly sure that you heard a male voice, you did not question her on her lie about it would be all girls, until her return -have i got this right, and why did you decide not to intercept her lies before she went out???

At first I was shocked. But then, I wanted to see how far she would go with this lie. I was also perplexed by why she was lying to me - to meet up with some guy for an hour?

What did she want time to think about? The fact that you knew she was a liar? What stories did she have?
Why couldnt you handle the space - was it the space or was it the stories and lies and the fact that the space meant you needed to trust her and you didnt, because she was a liar? Did you explain this to her - if not, why not?

During this time, I was heartbroken, shocked, and confused. She has since told me that she wanted space b/c she was lying to me and she didnt know why and I deserved better than that. Of course, I believe she lied to me and I called her on it and she freaked out. As far as space, I did not trust her, in light of the fact that she was less available. Also, originally, due to her clingy, needy nature, I thought she would call off space time in a few days. When she did not, my gut told me it was over.

I asked her for reasons, but she never had any good reasons - it was her gut.

It was the fact she lied. She knew it and you knew it, yet you still wanted her. She knew you had her rumbled but didnt know why you would still want her. Why did you still want her?? (Honest question not sarcasm).

I was very much in love with her and I wanted to believe she was just having a crisis. Prior to this time, we were talking about moving in together (she brought this up) and she now says that this was the reason she needed space...she didnt know if I was "it" for her. However, I never pressured her into anything - in fact, I didnt really want to live with her at this point. So it's strange - this girl pushed me to consider moving in with her, and then claims to need space b/c she is not ready to move the relationship forward.

As far as wanting her after the lie, I really wanted her to beg for forgiveness or take some action to make me take her back. You see, at this point, nothing short of that was going to save our relationship. Also, even if the relationship could not be saved, I still wanted the TRUTH!

I was pretty sure she did something she regretted and began acting strangly after this day. But before this incident (that same night) she was sending me texts about how much she loved me

I do not believe that HPD's are without guilt, especially over somethings they do. Its just that they do not think about these things at the time they are happening.

I think I would agree with this, at least with regards to my experience with this girl. its almost like they are childish - they cant see the repercussions of their actions. Or maybe it is that, in the moment, they just dont care and believe they can lie their way out of it.

She never likes talking about the details of our breakup shadiness (she calls me sick when I go over the details and question her about them)

Its a nasty spiral. I would think more so for them, as, as the years go by and they do more bad things, and more people get hurt, I do believe that they carry this with them, but it is easier to become the victim rather than the person who has caused these things to happen. The mind can play wonderful tricks on us.

I am curious to why this is. As some people would have done these things and not thought that they were wrong for doing so.
I understand that it is easy looking from the outside in, and here i stand. I am just curious.

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I am curious how this event appears to third persons, especially to those who have some insight into HPDs or other PDs.

First, let me thank all of those that responded to my (often lengthy and detailed) posts many months ago. You helped me sort of many things during a time of unprecedented confusion in my life.

Since my breakup with the HPD ex, I have kept my distance, though I had not completely cut-off contact (we share mutual friends and live near each other.) I had become seeing someone, but we ended it a month ago. My ex had seen me around town with this girl (and I had seen her with her new boyfriend).

Within days of seeing me with this girl, my ex began sending me texts and email, asking if I wanted to get dinner with her. I always declined, until a few weeks ago. Somehow she talked me into...I think I went b/c I want to reject her advances (childish I know - but I still have some bitter feelings towards this girl for the way she treated me). Now, this was not planned, but we ended up sleeping together... twice.

Mostly, I just wanted to be able to have sex with her and leave, without saying a thing. And i did just that. I know its wrong, but revenge is so sweet. Most recently, she left me a voicemail crying and trying to ask me why I am treated her so badly (why???This amazes me that she can even wonder??)

I may tell her boyfriend about, not to mean to him, but just to let him know the kind of psycho-b*tch he is dealing with.

spiralingconfusion wrote:First, let me thank all of those that responded to my (often lengthy and detailed) posts many months ago. You helped me sort of many things during a time of unprecedented confusion in my life.

Since my breakup with the HPD ex, I have kept my distance, though I had not completely cut-off contact (we share mutual friends and live near each other.) I had become seeing someone, but we ended it a month ago. My ex had seen me around town with this girl (and I had seen her with her new boyfriend).

Within days of seeing me with this girl, my ex began sending me texts and email, asking if I wanted to get dinner with her. I always declined, until a few weeks ago. Somehow she talked me into...I think I went b/c I want to reject her advances (childish I know - but I still have some bitter feelings towards this girl for the way she treated me). Now, this was not planned, but we ended up sleeping together... twice.

Mostly, I just wanted to be able to have sex with her and leave, without saying a thing. And i did just that. I know its wrong, but revenge is so sweet. Most recently, she left me a voicemail crying and trying to ask me why I am treated her so badly (why???This amazes me that she can even wonder??)

I may tell her boyfriend about, not to mean to him, but just to let him know the kind of psycho-b*tch he is dealing with.

It takes a while to get through all these posts but you have almost replicated my experience with my recent ex. I'd say there was like an 80-90% fit with what you have described. As I have posted on some other threads the HPD gives a very clear explanation of why they are and why they do what they do. Not that they know what they do.

Like you, I think she is back with her ex-BF, and I don't think he has any conception of what he is dealing with, and I want to let him know.

And I would still sleep with her in a heart beat if I could. That part of it was amazing

Maybe I am not understanding the situation, but doesn't this make you as bad as her. I mean, from what it sounds like, she couldn't really help her actions, while you on the other hand seem to be causing her pain on purpose.

As for my own issues with potential HPD, after reading this and other posts, I dont think I have it.

well...as a previous poster alluded to...the sex is really good. It was good when I was in love with her, but now that I am not, its even better (for the time being). I'll spare the details, but i dont think it completely about me getting revenge (thought it was at first), but more about me bedding her even if it means that she will be driving herself crazy when I dont give her the attention she wants (aside from the sex).

But anyways, ive decided to cut off contact and I suspect she will eventually do the same (she still contacts me from time to time, but not with severe frequency)