Any stories of encouragement for those with hpd?

I have recently seen a woman with whom I've been friends with for 22 yrs., the past 5 of which I chose not to have contact with when our relationship became massively strained due to her histrionic way of life and apparent inability to change. Im far from perfect but without belaboring details It was really to difficult for me to be a part of her own destructive life. It stressed Me out. Extremely demanding of my time and laid-back mind set. We never really had difficulty prior due to the fact that we never lived near each other and the last few years we did.
Anyway, After a three year marriage to some poor sap she tracked me down and contacted me. I have refused for the past two years to see her despite Many many requests and attempts to invite herself to my home. We live three states apart and despite having a real affection for her thought I needed to stay clear. I've known for about 8 years about her hpd. She has always been in denial minus the occasional concession when truly pressed with hard evidence. This I know has only been to appease me momentarily.
My question is this. I have been making what I believe to be some progress with her in terms of getting some treatment. Who knows where that will go but can anyone out there share any stories of hope for those with hpd who have sought treatment and gained something by the treatment. Stories from spouses, relatives, anybody. And i mean treatment specifically for Hpd. What type of therapy, how long, what can reasonably be expected. I've heard of the unfinished treatment when crisis is over etc... but cant believe there are no positive outcomes with those afflicted. This forum is killing me, its as if there is no hope. Can someone please come forward with something good. Thanks

"Anyway, After a three year marriage to some poor sap she tracked
me down and contacted me. I have refused for the past two years to see her despite Many many requests and attempts to invite herself to my home. We live three states apart and despite having a real affection for her thought I needed to stay clear."

You're doing the right thing.

Continue this.

"I've known for about 8 years about her hpd. She has always been in denial minus the occasional concession when truly pressed with hard evidence. This I know has only been to appease me momentarily."

Yeah its just a lie.

She doesn't really believe she has HPD but she'll say whatever it takes to get to you.

"My question is this. I have been making what I believe to be some progress with her in terms of getting some treatment. Who knows where that will go but can anyone out there share any stories of hope for those with hpd who have sought treatment and gained something by the treatment. Stories from spouses, relatives, anybody. And i mean treatment specifically for Hpd. What type of therapy, how long, what can reasonably be expected. I've heard of the unfinished treatment when crisis is over etc... but cant believe there are no positive outcomes with those afflicted. This forum is killing me, its as if there is no hope. Can someone please come forward with something good. Thanks"

Treatment for them takes 1-3 years and for a full rundown of the therapy types have a look at this site...

http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Hi ... order.html

Also a guy I met on this forum a while back told me that he asked his therapist if HPD's could be treated and the therapist said its possible for them to get better/improve but yeah I don't think these girls can ever be completely cured.

There was a girl who called herself Lina that posted here a while back who said she was diagnosed as having HPD after she lost a lot of weight and began seeking constant attention. Supposedly treatment has helped her improve from it so though all of this looks grim it seems there is a faint ray of hope for these girls.

Just keep in mind you can't save yours and that goes for everyone who is involved with an HPD. They have to want to be saved and then they have to decide to take the steps to save themselves.

People can feel free to support them as friends once they're getting treatment but any excess of attention before that just helps to make them sicker according to what I've read.

I think a lot of people who fall for these chicks have a knight in shining armor rescue the damsel in distress fantasy that these HPD chicks make real and milk for all its worth so they can get your time, attention and love.

If anyone involved with an HPD identifies with what I just said they need to realize that even before they were involved with an HPD they were in love with a fantasy idea and thats one of many things that made them vulnerable to the HPD's manipulations in the first place.

johnny old mate,
I know you said you have known this girl for 22 years and you say she is your friend and you" have a real affection for her" ..... but let me remind you of what you also said;

1. "the past 5 of which I chose not to have contact with ....."
2. "difficult for me to be a part of her own destructive life..."
3. "Extremely demanding of my time..."
4. "After a three year marriage to some poor sap ..."
5. "I needed to stay clear...."
6. "This I know has only been to appease me momentarily..."

YOU already have the answers johnny.

Clinicians state that if any progress CAN be made with a HPD, psychological treatment can last from a few years (as KX said) to a lifetime. However the person must want to change ... its the old "you can lead a horse to water..." you know the rest.

KX is spot on! "I think a lot of people who fall for these chicks have a knight in shining armor rescue the damsel in distress fantasy ...." and that is our problem which we must let go. I'm not saying that we should turn into utter bastards and not help anyone anymore .... but we must realise that people ultimately must look to help themselves.

Professionals have the advantage of helping these people without (hopefully) forming a close personal bond with them ... ie: they have the emotional distance. So they can be objective without feeling like they are being cruel to them. This is what they get paid for and are trained to do so.

They paint themselves as someone they are not .... they model themselves on their victims so thats why we feel they must be "the one!" and they manipulate you to get the attention they think they NEED.

But you know that already.....

Having a close friendship or an intimate relationship will be almost impossible. It sounds to me like you want to hook up with her. Don't do it ... at least not yet. She has to prove to herself that she is willing to travel the hard road and face some harsh personal realities. If you go in to help save her now, she will immediately become dependant on you and will suck the life out of you. That is why she must make the first move in seeking help and to continue to do so.

All I can say is at the very MOST, observe from a distance and see where she goes with this.

After all, you want to have a life too ... yes or no?

Thank you ConrollerX and Mybrainismelting. You both are quite astute in perception. And yes I have been entertaining the idea of hooking up. She's been stroking the ol' ego and it has been getting to me despite my awareness of the inevitable problems that would evolve.
Would it be ill advised to attempt some sort of a "get help or get lost" ultimatum. Maybe a bit gentler than that exactly? I feel it would be self serving in that I could possibly get some closure and lessen the sting of any guilt i'll feel when she in all probability does'nt follow through with treatment. Is that plain ludicrous? In my mind what she does or does'nt do in terms of getting help would then be the choice SHE makes. It frees me. You see? There is some emotional attachment on my part at this time.
I'm at a loss but do understant that in fact My sanity is most important. I will check the links you've left and thank you for that. I am still in search however of anyone out there with any case studies or personal stories of at least semi productive treatment scenearios regarding an hpd. Thanks fellas, J

"Would it be ill advised to attempt some sort of a "get help or get lost" ultimatum."

Generally ultimatums are not a great thing to do but in this case it sounds like its your only real option for a somewhat healthy relationship should you choose to allow this woman into your life.

See if I'm getting involved with a girl but then a few weeks down the line I find out she's a smoker I'm not gonna throw an ultimatum at her of quit or lose me because I know that is who she is. A smoker and though if I meant enough to her she might be able to quit for a while, in the long run the smoking would return because again. She's a smoker.

In that kind of situation I would do it differently and politely say to her that she should of told me she was a smoker up front because I don't get involved with them due to concerns about my long term health.

Then I would wish her a nice life and move on.

No ultimatums and if I meant a huge enough deal to her she might break down and promise to do anything she could to quit.

I would then politely say promises are not enough.

I need to see action and she would have to then get into some kind of treatment program to help her kick the habit.

See in this way I'm not controlling her she is controlling herself to do a certain thing because she wants me so bad. In short I meant more to her than smoking did so she is actively trying to change that part of herself because she wants me more than another cigarrette.

Thats the difference between an ultimatum and my method which says do what you want.

In my method you find out if the girl really cares about you and deeply at that because if a chick is willing to give up a lifelong habit for you and go to any lengths necessary to do that well all I can say is thats love and it was brought about not through trying to control her but letting her decide to live a life with her drug of choice or with you.

LOL, I'm rambling now I know but I hope you guys got what I'm trying to say.

I just threw that out there as some advice for normal relationships.

The polite ultimatum may actually be a better thing to do with the particular HPD described in this thread since she is giving you all the power now currently.

She wants you but you are pushing her away.

Absolutely make her agree to your terms if you two are to have a relationship.

Excellent metaphor KX. I also Just picked up Emotional Vampires which I've seen you reference in other posts. I'm commencing to dive in to that just now. Thanks for your perspective. You've given me much to consider. The earlier link was damn informative as well. Any knowledge of hpd that I have had until finding this sight has been cursory at best and I'm learning much more now.

my only concern about the ultimatum thing is that quite possibly she will use this against you in the future.

"...you f***ing asshole, you said you would stay with me if I tried the therapy...."

mmmm..... I can just hear it now.

she will have you in the car going down "Guilt Trip Highway" faster than than she can do 100 chores. (If you haven't noticed, they cannot stay still for extended periods of time. This minimises the time available for dwelling on internal issues.)

In other words, and this is similar to KX's comment, don't put conditions on it. It's quite possible it will all backfire in your face .... (as the carnie starts the merry-go-round .... again!!)

Even if you do it subtly as KX suggests, if it all goes pear shaped she will blame you for making the suggestion in the first place ... then leaving her! This is what they do, twist it around, make you look like the bad guy ... thus alleviating their responsibility, making you miserable in the process.

This is a distinct possiblity ..... think heavily first my friend!

Thanks dudes.

My sister has hpd. My family tried for years to get her to stick to a treatment that would help her. Finally we sent her to a place called Three Springs which is akin to a wilderness treatment camp. The camp is all about internal reflection, identifying personal issues/emotions and then making a plan of action to deal with these issues in a constructive way, as opposed to falling into typicay hpd patterns. It was an intense process, involving the whole family. She lived at this place for about 2 years. She graduated the treatment program last month. She is home now, and doing well. She has visited old friends, she has a job, manages money (paying rent, car insurance, etc). She still falls into old patterns sometimes, but now she knows what is appropriate and what is not. She no longer dresses provocatively, she's decided not to drink until she's 21, and just got accepted to college.

My sister is a success story. However, we were able to treat her while she was young (she was 17 when she entered the program) and the treatment was expensive. But treatment works! Don't give up hope. I'm not telling you to hook up with this woman, because she is really unstable right now, but you said you needed a glimmer of hope. I hope this lifted your spirits a bit.