moving on to next relationship very easily... changed?

Before I had no problem with moving on in relationship. I could NEVER understand
if why people need some time space between relationships.
For me it was maximum 0 second... between relationship... which means I'd start another rl while I am in rl and move on VERY~ easily.
And when I date new guy, the formal bf is like completely, out of sight. It was always that case no matter how I liked the ex.
Then for the first time in my life....

so I'll write down my story here - very private i hope mods to help me edit out later T.T -

So I was frustrated with my life about 6 months ago, in January 2013. I thought the world would end in December , 2012 and the suffering ends but it didn't end....
I was still left alone in this damned world.
It was too painful. I was completely alone. For a year while I live alone I have never eaten meal with someone or anything. I had numerous occasions which some guys approached but I just couldn't deal with them. It was too much of a pressure to be around people and stay normal. I failed to pass 3 courses, etc, my function level was at the worst point. I was flirting with many guys through the internet but I was lonely.
So, I decided to do something self-destructive out of desperation.

Around that time I had a interest in BDSM, as a dominant. So I decided to meet someone with same interest through the online. Then may be I will feel more ruined, and hopefully less painfully bored.
I randomly clicked some registered users and messaged. One guy said he could meet right now. I didn't ask for his picture, I didn't ask for his name, I didn't ask anything, and told him to meet me in 2 hours. He said ok.

And I met him like that suddenly, one night, in the first month of 2013.
The most handsome, nicest, angelic guy I ever met in my life, who saved me from abyss and put me back into functioning girl. He was a white guy from US. He told me my name and I said I don't like it. So I started to call him using his middle name.

We went to bar, and he ordered some foods. It was cold winter, windy, and very late, and I felt too tired to go home. Actually and it would be too lonely. I was alone at christmas, new years eve and everything so I probably didn't want to. So we went to a hotel. in Japan love hotels are exceptionally great places everywhere, better than normal hotels in lot of cases, I heard it's not the case in west but anyway, we went to love hotel.
I ve never been to love hotel before... but anyway. We went there and we... slept. Literally. just slept. Zzzz sleep.
He was holding me all night giving me back massage. I thought he will tire out after a while and fall asleep but he gave back massage all night. I fell asleep and when I opened my eyes in the middle of night, a few times, he was still giving me massage. He had really gentle touch, I could feel the real affection in it. He did it for 6 hours something, I couldn't believe it. He was always unbelievable afterward too. He was always caring to extreme.
While I sleep he stroked my hair a few times and murmured 'beautiful, so beautiful.' Though I thought he is lying. Wherever we go people were busy complimenting him. 'You are really handsome.' 'You are incredibly handsome.' He was indeed. He was never pushy about sexual anything. it seemed like he never will and he never did during all the time I've known him. He was a strong feminist, and most condemned kind of guys who try to exploit girl's sexuality. We have had some occasions which we did slightly sexual things but that was only when I strongly wished.
He started to call me princess. 'my princess.' But I wasn't SO happy still because, I thought,
he is very sweet and respectful but he is just one horny guy who is turned on by treating me like princess, filthy. This is not romantic or whatever. Even though it very much felt romantic. Logically it couldn't be romantic or anything valuable.


And we started to meet more after the first day. It was amazing. He acted like a trained knight, his smallest behaviors were so caring, respectful, making me special. He bought me whatever food I like, brought me to the places wherever I want to, and when I have to take my shoes off he will kneel on the floor and take them off in a very caring way. I really loved 'sleeping-literal' with him, one time, we had to sleep in some sofa at night for some reason in the middle of tokyo city, I was lying down on sofa and he was kneeling on the floor holding my hand with his both hands, and if I call his name he will answer 'yes, I am here princess' and he will pour kiss on my cheek, on my nose, on my forehead, on my head... and in the morning I will complain I look so bad with my makeups smeared over night and he will say 'no you still look great princess.' I loved sleeping with him always. He will rarely fall sleep and if I call his name he will be always there looking at my eyes 'yes princess I am here' (i feel insecure often while sleeping if there's no one answering)
and pour kiss on my face, stroke my hair or arms, and whispering in most gentle voice 'Princess, princess, princess.' - I can still not understand how can he not sleep- though he fell aslept at one point finally.

We had great times, then one day, I ended relationship with him, at our peak, all of a sudden.
It was warm but slightly cold sunny spring day. We met in the early morning and walking outside feeling the air, enjoying the spring sunshine. I felt so good and I held him and we ball danced on the street under the cherry blossom trees. I was singing. I was holding a pink flower he bought for me. We often ball danced outside, in the raining night at outside of music bar, etc, and he most liked to dance with me out of all, he often said. Later that night we went to one of the very old streets in Japan and went into a very very small old bar. The old woman who was owning a bar was obviously impressed by him and kept complimented him, and envied me. She said how much did you guys have been bf/gf?
I said in cold voice 'I am not his girlfriend. We are not dating.' The woman was confused because the guy was obviously acting like he loves me, stroking my back, talking to me in a very loving voice.
I had a bf(online) and I felt guilty so I had to say I am not this guy's gf. I 'dumped' the pink flower he gave me there. I just gave it away to the bar owner.

Next day, I said let's stop meeting each other. He was surprised and shocked and asked why?
I said, well, you are just nice toward me because you are into such~ sexual things. We are not like romantic relationship, it's just sexual, if you find anyone else who is dominant woman out there you will do the same like you do to me.
and you haven't even tried to sexually advance with me, which means you don't even have sexual attraction toward me so what is the point? anyway, I hate it.

He started to explain that's not the case, it's not simple bdsm, 'you are my "princess"'
and he said on the first day he couldn't sleep all night because he was so happy to be with me and didn't want to waste a single second, bleh bleh bleh
but I was still like, 'f*ck you'
He said he was in love with me. I said I never was. I said I behave like that to everyone, same, it's not like he is special. He said he didn't know that I behave that way toward everyone. Anyway he got so angry, etc and he started to cry finally at the restaurant. I felt bad, but, what is this
it's just dirty filthy shallow bdsm relationship.

He said, then let him be 'just friend' literally. Like a friend. normal friend. Like 'classic' friends everywhere. I said ok...

Things were still ok by then. Real disaster came when I told him I have 'bf'. He felt so betrayed and frustrated. He couldn't understand I choose an online bf I've never met over him.

Our awkward relationship started from there. He helped me when I needed help, etc
but I pushed him off more and more(I had some anger toward him always, for have used me 'sexually' when he actually never did except treating me like princess. but if that's his fetish that's 'using me sexually' isn't it? I thought.) He just really tried to be 'friend' but...

And I remember, one day I asked him while he was still my 'bf/slave'
'so... if it wasn't me and some other woman turned up you'd be all the same toward her right?'
'Probably.'
'All nice, caring and all just like you do to me?'
'yes.'
'...'
'Though it wont be not exactly same. I will never do somethings with other people, it's only you. You know it feels to me like... I gave my virginity toward someone I really love.. like the girls would feel'
'what lol well so if I stop be your owner... you will just find new mistress right?'
'yea... but it will take very long time. Very, very long time. Because I am used to you and all, I would need very long time to forget you and be able to serve new woman.'
'what are you talking about. That's stupid. you need long time to move on bdsm relationship?' (understanding level 0)
'really, I will need really long time to do that'
'No way, you are lying. it's just about sexual fetish and there's no way it'd be like that' - I never understood the time people need inbetween 'normal relationships' so in bdsm relationship? of course there is no way i can understand it even a very little.

I've been talking to numerous~ other submissive guys all the time I was with him etc and sometimes even met them (for meals/chat) etc. and I would talk about them to him, etc. About how wonderful or stupid they are, Just like I do when I have a 'bf'(I will talk about all the other guys around me)
but this time, I was 'princess' so he couldn't complain.

So far I illustrated my experience,
and I will get to the conclusion
After I ended relationship with him after 6 months, WHOEVER I meet, new guy, whoever,
I just miss that guy so much and so much and so much and I end up not being able to get into new relationship.

but even having a single meal, or just walking, or kissing my cheeks, physical touch, holding hand,
normal guys-even if they are slave- treatments of me are NOTHING like his 'my most precious princess treatment' I just have never met anyone who is nicer than him, (he has mind of angel, he is nice toward EVERYONE any stranger on street and anyone he knows...)
It's completely different. He will look at me with utmost adoration, admiration, love, and take care of me in every small way one can imagine, with the greatest love inside
one more episode that was very impressive to me...

One time we met and he was so sick. its probably after we became 'friends' I was like 'why didn't you say that you are sick then we wouldn't have met today' and he said 'if I said that you'd say we don't have to meet today stay at home rest, but I wanted to meet you' but finally he was tooo sick so he decided to go home at 3 pm. I had some abused-people meeting afterward at 7pm
near the place we were, and I said that to him so I can't go home til then, but he should go home.
and when he heard that he said, I will stay til 7 with you. I said no you shouldn't. He said he will. I said well then I will go home then you can go home too right? he said whether I go home or not he will stay here til 7, so if I want to go home, go home by myself.
oh I was so touched. he was REALLY sick. It's one of the impressing-bpd self moment. and when it was 7, I thought he is going home, and I decided to take him to the station, and followed him but it was not toward station so I said '? this is not station' he tried to take me all the way to the place i was supposed go, he was worried i wouldn't find the place. I was touched, but well I sent back home. Told him I can find it by myself.

ah and you know, I ended relationship with him and I met other guys
and even if they love me a lot
they just ... I don't know
and this is so new to me. I just , can't , move on. I am so sad when I am with other guy.
Even if I meet really really really great guy who is almost perfect, and even more compatible with me than the guy in this story
I am just not happy and my head is filled with him so I end up ending the new relationships.

so some people say(like my counselor)
'you love him'
but you know I don't. I really 100% don't.
why? his personality doesn't match me. He is too nice, too moral, too upright, too diligent
and when we watch something funny he laughs every 5 second and I wouldn't laugh even once... etc
and he couldn't understand me very well I felt always. He grew up in loving family etc and when he hear about my agony he just.. can't understand it. Doesn't believe it. Think I am exaggerating about the abuse of parents. Parents all love their kids he think. So you see, I always felt he can't connect with me in deepest level
even though he makes me so happy by taking care of me I always felt not understood.

And you know I love my bf... I 've met him real life once.
but then everyday I am so sad and confused.

Are you supposed to be 'not able to move on' from the bdsm relationship you had?
that's just stupid right? you can have with anyone you meet randomly...
i'd be able to change my submissives on daily basis

but after I wrote this post now I understand
what he was talking about. he said it's something much more than simple fetish relationship
I never have understood that when he says that (everything we do is out of fetish i thought)
but now I see that how it is like that.

This relationship was somehow very shocking to me because i've never met any guy who do NOT try to have single sexual advance with me from his side and was so caring about me to that EXTREME extent
and it's my first time in my life ever which I can't be happy in relationship with guys because i am still trapped by the ended, ex relationship.
anyway I felt sorry toward him and I gave him lot of presents afterward, try to be really nice,
buy him meals etc

what do you guys think?
does it look like somehow 'significant change of hpd'
or... just hpd being simply depressed with losing supply?

I think it's former because... I have had numerous great new supplies after him who were really amazing, more amazing than him in some ways
but.... I just can't enjoy the new supplies.

yYyYy wrote:but.... I just can't enjoy the new supplies.

Could it be that some trigger went off? That this may indeed be - if not your gallant Prince - someone that you can relate to in a far deeper degree than previously? Take your time and explore the new sentiments and how they reflect on or even re-shape your character and convictions.

You are still very young y*5. You'll come to meet many average men, some out to hurt and a few exceptional ones.

Keep us posted

I think it looks like you loved him and than you broke it off for no good reason as far as I can tell.

- Labor.