It's not always our fault

I have to say this, because overwhelmingly it feels like the atmosphere here is "why did she do it?!" HP's are people too. We may speak a different love language, but we feel and hurt, same as any person. In every relationship, both people involved are not perfect. It's really bothering me, because I'm currently "on the wagon" but I'm barely hanging on by just my fingernails, and when I fall, it will be all my fault, no matter what happened to push me to that point (and believe me, I've been pushed!!). . There's 2 sides to every story people.

Hi. I agree, it's not a person's fault that they have a personality disorder, and those who have self awareness and are taking steps towards recovery are taking responsibility for themselves, which is one of the first steps in beating the disorder. Telling your story honestly can help others to understand and have empathy towards those who have HPD.

Very often the people who have been involved with those who lack self awareness or motivation for recovery are in the anger stage of their own healing, and this can colour their views and opinions of those who have the disorder. Their comments are usually directed towards their own partners and not towards people in general with HPD. If a person is disrespectful we as mods will deal with them.

A lot can be learnt from a healthy dialogue between nons and people with HPD, who both express their issues openly and honestly, with mutual respect. This type of dialogue can increase understanding on both sides.

Posts that specifically deal with a partner's own issues are usually moved to the Significant Others Forum, as that forum is predominantly for them, just as the HPD Forum is predominantly for people with HPD and those who wish to be educated about the disorder.

I think it's healthy to try to see beyond fault and blame...the chemistry between the HPD woman and Non man is often irresistable for both. The Non guys who get involved are often vulnerable or over-stodgy or for whatever reason they are stimulated by something risky, even dangerous, to fill some unmet need, some personal void.
So yes, Torn, you are right, it takes two people to create a relationship, whether it ends good or bad. Moreover, on a deeper level we are all pretty much powerless to control our development as children-we trusted our parents and other adults, but since they are human, they all made mistakes, in some cases small ones, in other cases very big ones. But, hopefully we can make constructive changes now...why we are all here.
That movie "Something Wild" starring Melanie Griffith and Jeff Daniels is a near perfect representation of the HPD relationship (credit to Musician for using Daniel's image for an avi ), ha ha they even had Ray Liotta as the AsPD bad boy. At the end of the film the Griffith's HPD and Daniel's Non reconcile...she communicates to him with her eyes, he seems to acknowledge deep meanings. It's an interesting, ambiguous twist on the traditional 'good guy gets the girl' ending.
But since we are in reality and most of the Non guys here did not get that HPD girl who so thrilled them, while the HPDs have periodic disillusionment with their lives, hopefully understanding will prove to be something more valuable...for everyone involved.

Excellent replies, thanks guys. You are absolutely right and I shouldn't take it too personally when ppl are upset with the HP in the scenario.

No, it's not always our fault, no... but sometimes it is... so what...?

People suffering from the disorders of the self are challenged in many areas of psychological functioning - to name a couple...
[“Continuity” (subjective emotional self-sameness and stability over time)]
and
[“Coherence” (cognitive clarity of self-definition and consistency over situations)]

How would it even be possible for someone
who goes to bed as Snow White and and gets up in the morning as the Seven Dwarfs
to know "whose fault it is" ...

It takes years of therapy to replace severe identity diffusion with identity integration.

On a different note,

orion8591 wrote:That movie "Something Wild" starring Melanie Griffith and Jeff Daniels is a near perfect representation of the HPD relationship (credit to Musician for using Daniel's image for an avi )

For whatever it may be worth...
It seems to me that Musician is using Bill Pullman's image from David Lynch's "Lost Highway".
http://lbcinema.org/lost-highway/

True, and by the same reasoning, it is fair enough to say that AsPD types who end up committing crimes, likewise alcoholics and other drug users, who end up harming themselves and others are not at fault for whatever genetic/environmental factors lead up to their condition.

I suppose overall our society is better off for recognizing that some people do have disorders/issues with which they need help, and offering help is a positive step (certainly it's an upgrade over blaming issues on demonic possession, or a belief in pure willpower).

Still it remains fair that those negatively affected by a disorder, drug abuse, etc., will push for changes in behavior, and still it remains up to the affected individual to make a choice to get help or not.

TornPrincess wrote:I have to say this, because overwhelmingly it feels like the atmosphere here is "why did she do it?!" HP's are people too. We may speak a different love language, but we feel and hurt, same as any person. In every relationship, both people involved are not perfect. It's really bothering me, because I'm currently "on the wagon" but I'm barely hanging on by just my fingernails, and when I fall, it will be all my fault, no matter what happened to push me to that point (and believe me, I've been pushed!!). . There's 2 sides to every story people.

best I can tell Torn, it's only the NON's that have a problem with HPD's.

*shrugs*

- Labor.

Not sure that's entirely true labor.

I noted in the woman I met that she could be very mean when other females exhibited HPD like behavior and took the center of attention spot.

On a more extreme scale, it's sort of like saying only NON's don't like AsPD behavior, which also isn't true; AsPD types dislike each others behavior when they are negatively affected by it.

masquerade wrote:Their comments are usually directed towards their own partners and not towards people in general with HPD.

Nailed it there. When the Non rages over his/her traumas, they only see one face.

Naine Noir wrote:

masquerade wrote:Their comments are usually directed towards their own partners and not towards people in general with HPD.

Nailed it there. When the Non rages over his/her traumas, they only see one face.

And I guess the symmetrical question is...when the HPD reads reads the Non's account, why do some think it is they who are being personally being attacked? Is it simple guilt, and then the usual human defense mechanisms? Maybe, but sometimes it seems like a deeper problem - namely that the"one face" that Naime Noir speaks of cannot be understood as an abstract concept by some HPDs?

Not all HPDs are like this. Those who are less influenced by raw reactionary emotion seem to grasp abstract concepts concepts and logic as well as anyone.

???