Misery of being less HPD and being more 'nice'

by **yYyYy** » Thu May 30, 2013 10:55 am

Ever since I became aware of HPD, I have tried to get empathy and maintain relationship etc
and things are good except one thing.

Before, when I was fully HPD,when my bf does something disrespectful or irritate me, I broke up with him without single hesitation and broke up forever. Or I would be really cold really cruelly so he'd sense that I am very serious and immediately fix his behavior.

But now, I am just like all the other women on earth and in history. My boyfriend acts inappropriately, but I put up with it. I can't break up with him or get really cold. So what happens is he doesn't listen to me. For example
we haven't had much conversation lately. He has changed. When I talk to him he is just passive, like 'ok. great. good.' and like that today, day before today, 3 days ago, last week, a month ago.....
I wanted him to tell me about something, anything that's substantial and not passive. But he is like 'nope.' And he says: 'you are trying to create problem when there is no problem.' 'you enjoy fighting so you just make up excuses to fight' 'you have been satisfied/happy just by yesterday and you suddenly explode, you are crazy'(men from mars w from venus explains that men always make this mistake. they don't know that women have been angry/annoyed for long time and didn't express it so they think it's all of a sudden) 'I am satisfied with everything and you are pulling the s*it again' 'cut it out yyy really i am the victim here'

I even asked it nicely, 'can't you just say something for me? just anything? politics? weather? science? history? or ANYTHING at all you know? instead of doing that 'ok. nice. great' forever?'

and his response is like 'no no no'

and i am really irritated. i have brought this issue out for a few days in a row, and he doesn't take it seriously. If it was past-me i wouldn't put up with it and punish him until he takes me seriously, but current me just can't do it. The only thing I can ever do is just threatening him with leaving or complimenting other guy who is great talker. but he doesn't really give a s*it cuz he knows that i am not leaving him. The only time he says sorry and listen to me is when i actually leave him. but if i come back, right from next day, same old pattern....
i think most of women just live with that. With their not-really-caring husbands who forget every anniversary and busy playing with his friends, complain that the wife 'nags' him for no good reason....
I really don't want to be one of those women who just spend life like that....
but it seems like when a woman actually likes a man, a man just becomes less attentive and less caring. I swear when I was full HPD I had 200% respect/care from men. But now?
Nothing.
being nice emotional non woman sucks

ALSO THIS SITUATION REPEATS:(FROM MEN FROM MARS WOMEN FROM VENUS)

"The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps
doing the same thing. "

if below was introduced as example of hpd it won't be weird at all...
but actually happens to every couple:

For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."19
Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like
to do."
Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."
Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do."
Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."
Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."
Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."
Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."
Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"
Tom says, "I am listening."
Mary says, "Why do I even bother?"

by **katana** » Thu May 30, 2013 11:25 am

Huh?

I think you have recovery back to front. If someone is being a jerk and you did have HPD or some other PD and now you're recovering, you find it easier to walk away not harder, right?

As for punishing people with your behaviour, its ######6 useless thing to do, because it doesn't actually change other people's behaviour. If you have to do that to maintain a relationship, it isn't one you want to maintain. If you stop doing it and it no longer maintains itself, it will sort itself out one way or another.

Either you both end up changing your behaviour, or the relationship eventually ends because you no longer provide what the other person "wanted". For example, me getting control of my anger management issues in some senses might make me less interesting to a person who wants to wind me up, if that's all they want me for. Time tells.

people with HPD are generally emotional. You sound like what you need more of is self respect.

Men/women books etc? I never read that one properly I think. I read bits of some ebook at some point. What it taught me was that according to these people, I'm not a woman, and I'm ok with that.

by **yYyYy** » Thu May 30, 2013 12:01 pm

HPDs are as effective in the combat with the people who love them as Navy SEALS are with terroriss
Emotional Vampires

You haven't seen how myp unishment works. It works so well.
and men love my 'such self' more than current self
they view as my current mellow self as 'annoying and nagging'
but my hpd self as something more 'respectable'
like men work well in hierarchical, work like environment

by **yYyYy** » Thu May 30, 2013 12:46 pm

"The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps
doing the same thing. "
These are five common misunderstandings:
1. When she says "You don't listen," he says "What do you mean I don't listen. I can tell you
everything you said.
2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I'm not here?
Of course I am here. Don't you see my body?"
3. When she says "You don't care about me," he says "Of course I care about you. Why do you
think I am trying to solve this problem?"
4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That's ridiculous. Of course
you are important."

"I want more romance." "Are you saying I am not romantic?"
"You don't love me anymore." "Of course I do. That's why I'm here."

"You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is
used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how
a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the
biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I
don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her
feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a
woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though
you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show
me that you are interested in what I have to say?"

"I am so tired, I can't do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much
today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support.
Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest?"
Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can't do anything" a man may
hear "I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so
hopeless. I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake."

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid I am boring to you. I
am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give
me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants
to hear what I have to say.
Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I
give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring 44
person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that
person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."
"You don't love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you
don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so
much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and
tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."
Without this translation, when a woman says "You don't love me anymore" a man may hear "I
have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are
selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about
anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."
Men are from mars W F V

are these conversation similar to any exbf of hpd??

by **yYyYy** » Thu May 30, 2013 12:50 pm

"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so
hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone
without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me
with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."
Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You
don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely
inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have
been with."

oh this this too lol

by **xdude** » Thu May 30, 2013 3:27 pm

yyyyy -

Misc thoughts:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written for people in general, so not specific to HPD. The title of the book however is not that Venus is better than Mars, or that Mars is better than Venus. The male/female roles exist whether we blame that on genetics, societies, or both, they exist in human cultures, and roles exist in many animals/insects as well, even if one does just end up being a warrior ant vs a scout ant.

In general I think it is true that BOTH sexes try harder to be accommodating during the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Perhaps you find yourself listening more to him, perhaps he finds himself listening more to you. As that phase dies down it's common enough to see both halves withdrawing some of that and asking for more of what they want.

Speaking as someone who has grown up as a male, it is true that the male role in the society I grew up in, and many I've visited, teaches us men to be less emotional, to talk less about our problems, and solve them (i.e., don't be a whiny baby, be a 'man', take responsibility). It's not just men who teach us this either; women too like a confident, strong, problem solving male figure. Happens. Ultimately men are no less affected by society than women, and both sexes encourage the roles in each other to a degree, even if they are not consciously aware of it.

Still, I don't think either sex really wants everyone to be from Mars or Venus. There is an attraction to the differences between the roles, even if the differences are also the cause of some strife between them too. Maybe the differences are a good thing from a survival point of view? Maybe it provides a balance and tension that benefits our species.

You also wrote about he said you are just trying to create a fight sometimes. When it comes to cluster B types though, especially BPD, but from my experience HPD as well too, there is truth to the belief that sometimes one is just trying to create a fight. The push/pull dynamics we've talked about in many threads on this forum. From my own limited experience, the woman I met really did want the fights. Plus for every fight we got back together over afterwards, it was a kind of proof I really cared. Is he withdrawing because he feels like the conversations of any depth are headed toward a fight that deep down you do really want?

by **thisislabor** » Thu May 30, 2013 9:11 pm

just stop talking to him. find someone else to talk to. when he feels like he has the time to talk he will or you will find a newer better partner.

- Labor.

by **katana** » Thu May 30, 2013 9:19 pm

yYyYy wrote:
HPDs are as effective in the combat with the people who love them as Navy SEALS are with terroriss
Emotional Vampires

You haven't seen how myp unishment works. It works so well.
and men love my 'such self' more than current self
they view as my current mellow self as 'annoying and nagging'
but my hpd self as something more 'respectable'
like men work well in hierarchical, work like environment

I don't think that's really respect, I think its denigration disguised as respect but that just IMHO, unless you mean the part where you would seem fun and entertaining, but that isn't a state that's exclusive to HPD, happy, relaxed, people tend to be fun and entertaining more than stressed, miserable people.

Where in the mars/venus book does it deal with people who have no interest in getting any kind of love, conversation etc anything like that, and are only interested in winding the other person up?

by **yYyYy** » Fri May 31, 2013 10:02 am

are you guys ever in a relationship?
just seem like you have never been a relationship recently based on how you talk

Misery of being less HPD and being more 'nice'

Misery of being less HPD and being more 'nice'

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