I don't know if I have HPD...

I'm a female senior in college. Throughout most of my young life (12ish-18ish) I was in and out of therapy for depression, but I'm not sure I was ever really depressed. In middle school I'd just start crying at inappropriate times, but I really think it was more out of frustration than any feeling of intense sadness. I'm constantly confused about what I'm feeling and have pretty much stopped caring.

I don't go to all lengths to get people to like me and I totally avoid people who don't show a pretty strong interest in me. I get a lot of anxiety in large groups of people I don't know, and am extremely withdrawn until I'm in a situation where I know everyone likes me and will approve of and praise the things I do and say. In those situations, and when meeting new people in smallish or one-on-one groups, I'm extremely bubbly and especially flirtatious.

I've been in a relationship with someone for close to five years, but I feel like I've never gotten close to him. Our relationship has deteriorated a lot, and sometimes I feel total disdain for him, but I'm afraid to do anything about it. I am afraid I can't cope on my own, even though I think I don't love him. I'm also afraid that I'm never going to love anyone, and in that case I might as well stay with him, as we have a history and he does love me for some reason.

I have a group of mostly male friends (I've recently begun to wonder if I have any real connection to them other than flirtation) and over the course of the past month I slept with one of them a few times. This is the first time I've cheated on my boyfriend, but I don't feel any real remorse. I'm just vaguely confused about how to feel about the situation. I get the feeling I'm being used and I'm using this person I've been having sex with, though we've been friends for years.

I'm definitely beginning to think that I don't have a single meaningful relationship in my life, and it scares me. Everyone is transiate, or if I do keep them around, the relationship is shallow. I truly want to connect with the people in my life, but feel unable to do so on any real level.

I am terrified of the future, and of taking care of myself. I've totally avoided thinking about it. Classmates are going on job interviews and making living arrangements, and I'm just stuck. People ask what I want to do, where I want to live, and I just completely avoid the question. I feel like there's this drop off on the horizon and I'm just panicing instead of jumping. I feel like someone should be along to save me from all this uncertainty, to tell me what to do...

I'm just beginning to think that my whole purpose up until now has been to win the affection and praise of people with minimum effort, and now I really want there to be more to it. But nothing else gives me any satisfaction.

I don't know if any of this is HPD related, or just it's very own cocktail of personality flaws. I've been thinking that when I can afford it I'll start seeing a therapist, and would like to have some basis for analysis as I'm really awful at expressing how I feel, or knowing how I feel. At least telling her that I suspect I have HPD would give her an idea where to start, I think.

Any advice on all this is really appreciated.

"I'm a female senior in college. Throughout most of my young life (12ish-18ish) I was in and out of therapy for depression, but I'm not sure I was ever really depressed. In middle school I'd just start crying at inappropriate times, but I really think it was more out of frustration than any feeling of intense sadness. I'm constantly confused about what I'm feeling and have pretty much stopped caring."

This sounds like my HPD.

I believe the reasons she cried for was what you posted the confusion and frustration but she also used it to manipulate the protect and provider instinct in her male targets to make them more hooked on her.

Although there was one other more real type of crying she would do I've learned from a very close friend and another past victim of hers that was hysterical.

I asked an Anti Social Personality Disordered individual the most dangerous type in Cluster B what reason an HPD with very shallow emotions would genuinely cry about anything and he gave the very insightful reply of "Maybe she is crying for herself" it all made sense to me then after he said it because I remembered reading Cluster B's are pretty much completely self centered so if she was genuinely crying to these guys at times it wasn't because of her being sad over any trouble in their relationships it was her crying out the tears of a dissapointed and broken childhood as her father was very abusive to her.

"I don't go to all lengths to get people to like me and I totally avoid people who don't show a pretty strong interest in me. I get a lot of anxiety in large groups of people I don't know, and am extremely withdrawn until I'm in a situation where I know everyone likes me and will approve of and praise the things I do and say. In those situations, and when meeting new people in smallish or one-on-one groups, I'm extremely bubbly and especially flirtatious."

HPD's but moreso the Narcissistic Personality Disordered are pre-occupied with being loved and praised for just existing.

However if you are HPD you may better fit the passive aggressive HPD profile as I read in the book Emotional Vampires of at least two types one called Ham it up Histrionics where they put on a show to get people to like them and the Passive Aggressive types who I believe use more subtle means or just outright look for people that like them rather than having to work at it as you are saying you do.

"I've been in a relationship with someone for close to five years, but I feel like I've never gotten close to him. Our relationship has deteriorated a lot, and sometimes I feel total disdain for him, but I'm afraid to do anything about it. I am afraid I can't cope on my own, even though I think I don't love him. I'm also afraid that I'm never going to love anyone, and in that case I might as well stay with him, as we have a history and he does love me for some reason."

Well this is certainly unlike an HPD as most of them can hardly keep a stable relationship for 3-5 months let alone five years as they need all that fresh new male attention as well as leaving their previous guys in the past as marks of their tortured souls they'd like to forget and put behind them but anyway do you have any particular reason for your disdain of your boyfriend?

If there's a good reason you are having bad feelings about him then thats another mark for you not having this disorder and likely having something else because if your disdain just comes to you naturally and you don't know why then that screams HPD or something else in Cluster B to me.

"I have a group of mostly male friends (I've recently begun to wonder if I have any real connection to them other than flirtation) and over the course of the past month I slept with one of them a few times. This is the first time I've cheated on my boyfriend, but I don't feel any real remorse. I'm just vaguely confused about how to feel about the situation. I get the feeling I'm being used and I'm using this person I've been having sex with, though we've been friends for years."

Now this cheating is definitely HPD and this lack of remorse is Cluster B behavior in general.

Also if you'd like to know how a normal person would feel about cheating on their partner they would feel huge remorse, massive regret and a ton of guilt that would eat and gnaw away at them until they either told their partner or found some way to rationalize their bad behaviour away to soothe their troubled conscience.

In closing this section my HPD once told me she had to be careful around guys as she was very gullible and believed she was being used a lot of the time so again this section fits for you being HPD.

"I'm definitely beginning to think that I don't have a single meaningful relationship in my life, and it scares me. Everyone is transiate, or if I do keep them around, the relationship is shallow. I truly want to connect with the people in my life, but feel unable to do so on any real level."

Yep, I've read that HPD's see everyone else in the world as similar to a 2D cartoon character and they are the only ones that are 3D a whole full person deserving of love and respect a mindset which allows them to hurt plenty of people.

Not that they hurt people maliciously like an ASPD would do but they hurt people out of their extreme self centeredness.

They approach life as being completely out for self and naturally view others as not as important as them ie going back to the 2D thing I mentioned so they don't really feel other people have needs that should be considered like they have.

"I am terrified of the future, and of taking care of myself. I've totally avoided thinking about it. Classmates are going on job interviews and making living arrangements, and I'm just stuck. People ask what I want to do, where I want to live, and I just completely avoid the question. I feel like there's this drop off on the horizon and I'm just panicing instead of jumping. I feel like someone should be along to save me from all this uncertainty, to tell me what to do..."

Many HPD's are afraid of the future because in it they grow old and will no longer be attractive enough to lure new victims in to get their attention fix and ego boost but they quickly remedy this in their elderly years by exaggerating or completely making up some illness or infirmity to extract sympathy from people.

Also reading the BPD board the mod there often says BPD's look for a rock in a partner meaning some guy thats not going to crack or leave them at any moment. They need someone stable that will anchor them. You sound a little like this with needing someone to save you from your uncertainty but I've read HPD is a milder form of BPD but really if you read enough about Cluster B you realize that all four of the disorders within it share so many common characteristics that you can compare one to any of the others in the Cluster with the symptoms.

Yeah though HPD as a milder form of BPD makes sense as you aren't exactly saying you're going to fall apart without a guy like a BPD might say about herself but you do sound like you need someone which is how an HPD would act and feel.

"I'm just beginning to think that my whole purpose up until now has been to win the affection and praise of people with minimum effort, and now I really want there to be more to it. But nothing else gives me any satisfaction."

It is this desire for something more that will set you free if you are committed to becoming free of this disorder if indeed you have it.

Hell if you've got something else entirely again the desire to change is the only thing that will pull you through to something greater.

Keep with it.

"I don't know if any of this is HPD related, or just it's very own cocktail of personality flaws. I've been thinking that when I can afford it I'll start seeing a therapist, and would like to have some basis for analysis as I'm really awful at expressing how I feel, or knowing how I feel. At least telling her that I suspect I have HPD would give her an idea where to start, I think.

Any advice on all this is really appreciated."

If you'd like to chat just give me your AIM or MSN name in this thread if you use those programs or even your email address.

And yes HPD's definitely have a bad time expressing their feelings so unfortunately you are fitting the profile again.